This is a discussion on Walls and INFJs: help me out with an INFJ girl, please? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Vivid Melody It sounds like you reached a dead end where she is concerned and it also ...
How to grow a pair:A bit blunt, but it gets the point across.At risk of sounding like a Seinfeld episode, I think every man should do the opposite of what a woman says. A woman’s advice is pretty typical anyways: they either tell you to give more attention (i.e. try harder) or be patient. When you hear these, it usually means you are probably putting in too much work and need to withhold attention while being more firm with your needs. Your best bet is always to get advice from a man who actually, you know, fucks women.
@Vivid Melody and other girls here may be well-meaning, but don't let their attaboys make you complacent. And manipulation is not necessarily evil. It's just another word for persuasion and getting what you want. Read some other threads about how female INFJs play coy to "test" guys before "coming out of their shells". That's manipulation too, and they play it well. It's just part of the game, and the key is to remain objective here.
Don't get me wrong; INFJs are special and nice in their own way. But in my experience, females are generally pretty predictable. There is a certain amount of variability due to mood, background history, etc., but the basic biologically-based attraction buttons are generally the same.
There's a bunch of things wrong with your picture already. First, treating this girl as someone to intensely focus on. Second, letting your emotions take over. In the overall big picture with this girl (maybe or maybe not with your life in general too, but not enough info. to generalize yet), you're being a big pansy.
INFJs, the sensitive fairies they are, will smell desperation from a mile away. The three-day hiatus I'd suggested is meant to wean you off of your emotional dependency which causes that desperation. It'll also give you an opportunity to grow a pair by putting on your mind stuff that matter more than females (of course girls are important, but there are other things in the world besides women, and especially besides one woman).
"Half jokingly accuse..." is just one tactical suggestion. It's not necessarily a scientific formula to study. It's something that happens in the field. I'm sure if you flirt with other girls and get more experience, you'll understand that there are many variations on the theme of building attraction with girls.
There is also the possibility that there are no set rules or basic principles here for getting through the walls of an INFJ girl. In fact, I'm a bit skeptical that there are any rules for initiating relationships with anyone, and it weirds me out when people want to base their approach on personality type - this means that you're not approaching the person as an individual.
Bottom line: you can't make someone like you. You can't make someone decide to change their mind about relationships. And you can't make someone come out of their shell with any tricks or maneuvers. That part is entirely up to them. Forgive my cynicism, but this part of relationships is the part over which you have absolutely no control whatsoever.
my advice is: go slow and treat it as friendship at first. it may or may not develop into more. i wish i could give more hope and encouragement...but there aren't completely clear indications one way or the other.
for some reason she's not sure yet about you, or i think she'd throw herself wholeheartedly into a relationship with you. not all INFJs are this way, but the general tendency is to be 'all or nothing' in a romantic sense.
1) it may be that she's not ready for a relationship (or another one, if she had a bad one in the recent past).
2) it may be that she is not sure yet how she feels about you, whether she wants more than friendship with you. if that is the case, your pulling back may indicate to her just what her feelings are - whether she can stand to lose you or not.
3) she may not yet know if she can fully trust you yet not to hurt her (nothing to do with you per se, but possibly just with the INFJ semi-skeptic nature and with her possibly having been hurt by another guy in the past). if that's the case, it's just going to take time of you being her friend and getting to know each other, for her to realize whether she truly trusts you.
pulling back is potentially dangerous. it might get you what you want, or it might ruin all your chances. why? for several reasons:
1) you don't know how confident she actually is. (women sometimes appear more confident than we really are, since we don't want to broadcast all our insecurities. if she's not confident, your pulling away may cause her to conclude she was wrong in thinking you were interested at all, or that your interest was only casual and not serious.)
2) you also don't know if she's just unsure whether she wants more than friendship with you or if she's unsure about you yourself. if it's the former, pulling away could help, but if it's the latter, pulling away could be just the evidence that you are unreliable that would make her believe she can't trust you to be faithful to her. and it's unlikely she is going to open up and tell you why she is not letting this relationship happen...based on the fact that she won't allow the 'relationship talk' that you would like to have to happen.
it's not a good idea to show interest in multiple women or flirt around a lot if the only girl you actually want is her. typically INFJ women are looking for seriously interested people, not someone who likes us and another girl at the same time and would go for whoever took the bait...that indicates 'shallow interest' or 'lack of real emotional connection' or 'casual, not serious' to us...not the sort of relationship we typically desire. (of course this is not an absolute rule and there are INFJs who want casual flings. but if an INFJ is looking for an actual relationship, we're going to want the other person to be as serious about it as we are.)