[INFJ] INFJ Random Thoughts Thread - Page 3651

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This is a discussion on INFJ Random Thoughts Thread within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Well, I guess that cinches it, that bipolar runs in my family. I've suspected it forever, since most of my ...

  1. #36501
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Well, I guess that cinches it, that bipolar runs in my family.

    I've suspected it forever, since most of my biological family has a slight mood swing thing going on, but none of us except the one cousin ever had mania, just a light "punch-drunk"-ness now and then, or spurts of creativity, for the artists among us. Then the past month, I tried anti-depressants for the first time in years, as a little boost for this mental health jag. They were fine. Gave me more energy. And then...I started only getting only 4 hours of sleep every night. And then...only 2. And I didn't miss it. Or rather, I knew in that funny way you sometimes get with pain medication, that my body was NOT happy with me and was going to have words with me later, but my mind didn't care, because it couldn't feel a thing. So on it went.

    That's what anti-depressants do if your depression is of the bipolar kind. They shoot you through the roof. I didn't quite get shot through the roof (I was on the lowest of the low doses possible, and this appears to only be a chemical tendency, nothing close to the full disorder), but with that sleep schedule, it was probably going to happen eventually if I stayed on it.

    So. Off of that. Trying an ADHD medicine, of all things. Sleep schedule took a week to get back to normal as the anti-depressant left my system. Now the stimulant is one of those that if I take it in the morning, I'm up. I won't be able to go back to sleep. It's...amazing, for the first time in my life, being able to get out of bed and not feel like a bear. (I don't drink coffee. Now I think I understand.) And...setting my clock for an early time (for me), with hope because I'm not going to feel like #%*# getting up then, even if I didn't get my full 8 hours before. Used to be it was such a struggle to function on less-than-adequate sleep, that if anything else challenging in my life was going on, it'd near well wreck me.

    I think it might be cutting down on the ruminating problem, too. I'm starting to think ruminating was lack of focus--I knew on some level I kept repeating stuff in my head so I could remember it, not forget it. Sounds a bit like ADHD, right?

    But... I never wanted to be stuck on medicines for the rest of my life. I still don't. Beyond a few disorders that almost purely chemical, I don't consider them as necessary, and sometimes with nasty side effects. So I suppose they will teach me a little bit more about how my brain works, give a little more insight into downswings, when they come, but the real problem has always been me running into that certain breed of person who uses me. And they say if you keep doing that, it's not them, it's you.

    Well, maybe, the other night, when I was thinking about this, I found the answer. When I was a kid and suicidal and no one believed me about the nasty going on at home, I vowed to myself I'd never just stand by if I saw someone else going through that. That I'd give others the help I had so desperately wanted but ever got myself. And so I did. But...at least online, that put me in contact with a lot of people who just wanted to take advantage of my sympathy, and I was without the IRL cues that would have otherwise told me they were just a drama-queen instead of someone temporarily at a low spot that needed some help. Not to say drama-queens aren't a bundle of pain and issues too, but there's so much less you can do for them--and it is dangerous to at times, because of how manipulative and controlling they can get.

    So I played into the rescuer role of that Karpman drama triangle, and got what I deserved from there on out. I'm still torn on laying aside that old promise of mine, because I think it IS necessary and helpful for some. But maybe one of the rules I have to lay down is never for anyone on the internet. For one, there's just not much I can do when it gets serious, beyond at the very most tracking an IP address and calling the police in the area, and that's only if anything immediate is going on, instead of a slow downward spiral or persistent ant's nest of chaos like most of these folks do.

    IRL it's barely happened. I've got better sense and know when to keep my mouth shut, just let things be. But I am getting out of the psychology field. I feel on some level it was necessary for me to gain the necessary boundaries and perspective on my own life, but it just isn't really a healthy field for me. Certainly not right now when it's being battered by identity politics and the like. But I also don't think I need the excuse to become enmeshed with unhealthy people, and I certainly certainly don't want to handle any malpractice lawsuits as is the kind landing on doctors (mental and physical) at an alarming rate these days. I don't know, that one's a bit like...everyone's stressed and upset, so they go after the ones they think should be able to do something to fix it, when really...no one can. And it's scary, like a witch-hunt as we eat our brightest and kindest alive, to satisfy the black hole within.

    Well. At least I can survive to doctor another day, if at some point I decide to go back into that field, and the politics are no longer so crazy. What I'm doing now feeds me, even though the motivation is so hard to come by some days. That is still one last wrinkle to iron out in this mental health business; maybe this time, I will finally not be having any nutcases involved and making things that much more complicated for me, though.
    ohTOMICho, warweasel and AnneM thanked this post.

  2. #36502
    INFJ


    Trust is something that I've always struggled with. I don't really trust people unless I've known them for years and years.

    This world is such a harsh place. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I've learnt how to protect myself over time.

  3. #36503

    I took a new (to me) brand of allergy meds thinking they were non-drowsy and took my regular dose of melatonin for nights I struggle to sleep...ended up doubling on the drowsy meds unwittingly and slept until 2:30PM today. I thought I was dead. Haven't slept that long in a while...luckily I was off today. But imagine having to explain to your boss you accidentally drugged yourself too hard.
    warweasel and AnneM thanked this post.

  4. #36504

    Quote Originally Posted by Schizoid View Post
    Trust is something that I've always struggled with. I don't really trust people unless I've known them for years and years.

    This world is such a harsh place. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I've learnt how to protect myself over time.
    What is worst, is when those you are close to and you've known the longest, hurt or betray you.
    ohTOMICho and Aizar thanked this post.

  5. #36505
    INFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Aizar View Post

    So I played into the rescuer role of that Karpman drama triangle, and got what I deserved from there on out. I'm still torn on laying aside that old promise of mine, because I think it IS necessary and helpful for some. But maybe one of the rules I have to lay down is never for anyone on the internet. For one, there's just not much I can do when it gets serious, beyond at the very most tracking an IP address and calling the police in the area, and that's only if anything immediate is going on, instead of a slow downward spiral or persistent ant's nest of chaos like most of these folks do.
    Aizar, I love your posts; they are very wise. This is a rule I need to make for myself as well. I got in way in over my head on PerC the first few months, a total flare-up of my E2 Messiah complex. I definitely overestimated my ability to help people. I suppose there's a reason why people train for the mental health field....and it's very apparent to me (now) that I lack that training, and have only my bleeding heart to compensate. What makes me saddest is not being able to keep it up; I feel like I stopped so abruptly that it was worse than not trying to help at all in the first place.
    ohTOMICho, warweasel and Stopping By Woods thanked this post.

  6. #36506
    INFJ


    Quote Originally Posted by Stopping By Woods View Post
    What is worst, is when those you are close to and you've known the longest, hurt or betray you.
    And this is also why I'm selective in who I trust. A person can only hurt/betray you when they didn't care about you. So I only trust those who care about me.
    If I sensed any indifference coming from a person, I won't bother to give them my trust.
    warweasel and Stopping By Woods thanked this post.

  7. #36507
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by AnneM View Post
    Aizar, I love your posts; they are very wise. This is a rule I need to make for myself as well. I got in way in over my head on PerC the first few months, a total flare-up of my E2 Messiah complex. I definitely overestimated my ability to help people. I suppose there's a reason why people train for the mental health field....and it's very apparent to me (now) that I lack that training, and have only my bleeding heart to compensate. What makes me saddest is not being able to keep it up; I feel like I stopped so abruptly that it was worse than not trying to help at all in the first place.
    Thanks..sometimes it just feels like flailing around on the dark when I'm honest, but then if I get lucky I think I'll stumble upon a treasure chest and then--ow. Nope. Just the corner to the coffee table. GORRAM IT.
    ohTOMICho, warweasel and AnneM thanked this post.

  8. #36508

    @Aizar I had a mind-blown moment reading your post. With all the gender identity crisis going on lately, it never occurred to me the kind of impact it would have on those working in the mental health field.
    Aizar thanked this post.

  9. #36509
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I'm glad I've just one day of work left. Being under the weather (better, but still) and having to trudge along every night to some place you hate is just draining. I did it, but it is an energy sucker.

    I stopped my antibiotics 1.5 days early because I was tired of the shitty (literally) side effects. Done with having to shower multiple times a day, done with having to do laundry multiple times a day, done with living in fear that shit will just happen without cause. Because it has... awake, asleep... fucking hell, man.

    Hoping that ship will right itself in a day or two.

    I'm reading another Wally Lamb book. I don't remember the title, but it's the one about the couple who worked at the Columbine high school when the mass shooting happened. I'm probably a good 3/4 of the way through it, but it's a thick book. Not 100% certain if I like it or not. I mean, it's well written. Dude can tell a story... but he tends to tell more than one, at the same time, and with this book at least, I've no interest in the 2nd story. At all. I have no shits to give about the protagonist's great grandmother, is what I'm saying. At least, not to the depth that he goes into, anyway.

    Either way, I don't think it will have been a waste of time, whether I end up liking it or not.

    Trying to see if RN & I can make some plans for NYs eve or day... we've not hung out in forever. Not truly hung out, I mean. We've met up to have food a couple of times, but that's been the extent of it all. So, we'll see how it plays out, I guess.

    Our population is still high. I'm two away from having a completely full unit. It's just so much more work when there are more inmates. Obviously. And I'm not feeling it. It also causes too much stress among the inmates. We've had a couple of staff assaults, which I think I've mentioned previously. Also inmate vs. inmate assaults are getting started. One of the boys on my unit broke his hand on the face of another boy on my unit. So that's fun. Oddly the broken handed slugger is usually very docile and never causes any problems whilst he's in our care. (He's aggressive "on the outs", though, which is why he keeps ending up in jail. As tempting as it can sometimes be, you can't just go around beating up the ones you don't like, eh?)

    All of the units were running modified schedules... and they were doing that because so many of the kids on each unit wanted to fuck up other kids on those same units, sooooooooooo... the way to try to prevent that is to not allow those who are beefin' on each other to be out of their cells at the same time. So this means constantly rotating some (or all) of the inmates every hour. Good times.

    A huge pain in the ass for staff, obviously, but... also a bit of a blessing as nobody's dealing with an entire unit at once that way and also the ones that are more likely to get into fisticuffs are separated from each other, so... double edged sword, perhaps?

    There was recently a story about a company that gave it's employees $10 million in bonuses... the people that had worked there the longest got bonuses of $270,000. Which... fuck yeah. I'd take that. Or anything, really, cuz I'm not greedy. But... I'd obviously prefer the $270,000... which right around what I'd make in a 5 yr span... so obviously, that'd be the best.

    Isaiah and I were talking about that... how wonderful it would be to be appreciated. Or even feel like you were appreciated, even just a wee bit, because... nobody has any fucks to give about us, lest of all our glorious administration.

    They get $270,000 bonus checks and we can't even get a nice little bag of go fuck yourself!

    That's what I told Isaiah because it's true. The supervisors will all get bags of goodies... which will be sitting right in admin for all of us peons to see. And us? We'll not even get that nice little bag of go fuck yourself. Not a pencil or pen or pad of sticky memos. Not an eraser... or anything goddamn thing.

    I don't get upset about it. It's been this way ever since this ignorant cunt took over... it's just been getting steadily worse as the years go rolling by. But... it does make me a little envious, I must admit. How does one get so lucky as to work for an employer who actually gives a fuck or two about their employees? I wouldn't know, as I've never ever worked at such a place. Not once. And I'm reasonably sure that I'm never going to, either.

    These little gems of companies must be exceptionally rare... cuz I don't know anybody, personally, who's ever worked at a place even remotely close to being like this... not even in the broadest of senses.

    Some folks have all the luck, I guess.

    It's getting up to being the latest I wish to drag my carcass into bed, so I suppose I should post this up and get along to that wonderful, lovely bed of mine. (It is a delight. It was also extremely expensive, but worth every fucking penny!) Get some sleep... I don't seem to be able to get enough of it since I've been under the weather.

    Oh... just remembered this; I woke up yesterday afternoon, after sleeping like a damn rock most of the day, when the wee pup fell out of the bed. He must've been lying close to the edge or something. I have no idea... I was asleep! What woke me was the frantic pawing... but I didn't even know what was happening, as that was over before I even got my eyes open... and then there was this little *thump*. Nothing else... just a little *thump*.

    And then... I sat up and the wee pup was gone.

    I called him and he jumped back up on the bed, silly dog. Made me laugh, but I'm glad he didn't hurt himself... the bed's pretty tall and he's such a wee one.

    I'll leave you with this. Though I generally like Christmas music, I tend to muchly prefer the "standards" or whatever you'd like to call them. Christmas songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. I do like a few modern songs and modern performers, but I really like the Burl Ives and Bing Crosby and Andy Williams and that lot than I do more modern stuff.

    This Christmas song? I fucking hate it. HATE IT. With a passion. But... this metal version is far more tolerable, me thinks.

    ohTOMICho thanked this post.

  10. #36510

    Quote Originally Posted by warweasel View Post
    Ok, Boomer...

    It's a generational thing, if you don't already know that. You probably do, probably because most of you are not boomers... not that not being a boomer means anything. Other than you're younger, anyway.

    I guess this is supposed to be... sarcastically disparaging? Sarcastically dismissive? I dunno. I find it amusing, honestly.
    Yeah, my 14 year old daughter has been saying 'ok boomer' to me for the past year and no one knew my frustrations until the last month or so since it's 'caught on.' Right away I got triggered: "I'm GENX, I ain't no boomer!" I realized quickly, yes, it's to insult anyone. Hell, the kids call each other that. One day driving in my apartment complex, by daughter to my right, I was going over a speed bump and saw some kids her age, I rolled down the window and smiled at them and yelled: BOOMERS! The look on their faces, was priceless. Another thing she does: "Oh hahahaha, you are SO trendy, so quirky, oh yeah!!!" in attempts to undermine. Yeah, these kids are coming up with interesting ways to say: 'fuck you' to the older generations. We've all done it. And the generations after them, will do it to them. ::rubs hands together manically::
    ohTOMICho, warweasel and AnneM thanked this post.


     

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