INFJs: Not knowing what I feel...

INFJs: Not knowing what I feel...

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This is a discussion on INFJs: Not knowing what I feel... within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I've developed a shame-based personality over time and I think a major part of it is due to my slow ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    INFJs: Not knowing what I feel...

    I've developed a shame-based personality over time and I think a major part of it is due to my slow processing -- almost inaccessible Introverted Feeling function.

    It's not only about having a hard time knowing what I feel, but feeling deeply divided as well. My therapist would start off every session asking me how I felt about this or that and I would draw blanks each time...

    I also find that when I'm in the midst of some kind of heated conflict with someone, my Introverted Feeling button gets stuck, so that I don't know what to answer back in a moment when I should be defending myself. I get the answers much later when the conflict is long past.

    Can anyone relate to this? Why is it I feel so lost in this area of my being?
    Blue Heart, INFpharmacist, susurration and 1 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by RomanticEditor View Post

    It's not only about having a hard time knowing what I feel, but feeling deeply divided as well. My therapist would start off every session asking me how I felt about this or that and I would draw blanks each time...
    For me that was because I was told so much growing up, "you shouldn't feel that way". So I got to a point in adulthood where I didn't even know how I felt, other than maybe bad. I remember my counselor asking me, "do you feel mad, sad or glad?" and I would really have to think about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by RomanticEditor View Post
    I also find that when I'm in the midst of some kind of heated conflict with someone, my Introverted Feeling button gets stuck, so that I don't know what to answer back in a moment when I should be defending myself. I get the answers much later when the conflict is long past.
    I am the same way, but I don't know why...I don't think that fast on my feet for some reason. Maybe it is a good thing to not be so glib.

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    You're having an introverted discussion with yourself. I often have these types of interactions in my head where I forget or just neglect to speak, instead responding with brief or single word answers.

    It's far easier to just claim that "I don't know" how I feel or give a cryptic, non-sensical response than delve into my true feelings.

    In heated conversations, I choose not to respond, because it's typically done out of anger or frustration. My first instinct is to end the conversation through physical violence or abusive language and yelling. In order to avoid self-destruction, I become less of a participant and more of a listener. In reality, I simply internalize the negativity in order to keep it from flowing out onto other people.
    RomanticEditor and rambleonrose thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Ygnacia View Post
    For me that was because I was told so much growing up, "you shouldn't feel that way". So I got to a point in adulthood where I didn't even know how I felt, other than maybe bad. I remember my counselor asking me, "do you feel mad, sad or glad?" and I would really have to think about it.



    I am the same way, but I don't know why...I don't think that fast on my feet for some reason. Maybe it is a good thing to not be so glib.
    In my case I think I struggle in this area primarily because of how I'm wired and not so much my family background. I can attribute many things to my childhood but not that. I think.

    I'm fast on my feet when it comes to being witty and joking, but when it comes to feelings, I get somewhat constipated.

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Slider View Post
    You're having an introverted discussion with yourself. I often have these types of interactions in my head where I forget or just neglect to speak, instead responding with brief or single word answers.

    It's far easier to just claim that "I don't know" how I feel or give a cryptic, non-sensical response than delve into my true feelings.

    In heated conversations, I choose not to respond, because it's typically done out of anger or frustration. My first instinct is to end the conversation through physical violence or abusive language and yelling. In order to avoid self-destruction, I become less of a participant and more of a listener. In reality, I simply internalize the negativity in order to keep it from flowing out onto other people.
    My first instincts are quite raw and primal. I therefore have to resist the temptation to express myself because it becomes too intense for me... very life threatening and I tremble for days...

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    What? Feelings? I don't have those. Lol!

    I understand how you feel RomanticEditor.

    Whenever I get mad or angry, it's like things start to bounce off and away from me towards the other person or event. I have to get really, really mad with something I did before I start to feel bad inside. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, but I think it's a suppressed Fi.

    And I'm thankful that I don't need to use Fi. I couldn't imagine trying to navigate the external world with internal feelings. I'm already sensitive to seemingly insignificant nuances, and to associate my feelings with those kinds of things, e.g. "You're making me feel bad", would kill me! I would feel so helpless, because other people would be able to make ME feel bad (instead of being able to point the finger at the culprit himself).
    RomanticEditor and Winifred thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by INFpharmacist View Post
    What? Feelings? I don't have those. Lol!

    I understand how you feel RomanticEditor.

    Whenever I get mad or angry, it's like things start to bounce off and away from me towards the other person or event. I have to get really, really mad with something I did before I start to feel bad inside. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, but I think it's a suppressed Fi.

    And I'm thankful that I don't need to use Fi. I couldn't imagine trying to navigate the external world with internal feelings. I'm already sensitive to seemingly insignificant nuances, and to associate my feelings with those kinds of things, e.g. "You're making me feel bad", would kill me! I would feel so helpless, because other people would be able to make ME feel bad (instead of being able to point the finger at the culprit himself).
    I've never thought about the idea of not having Fi as an advantage. Hmmm? I'll have to think about that one (in case I cannot feel it). Ha ha.

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by RomanticEditor View Post
    I've never thought about the idea of not having Fi as an advantage. Hmmm? I'll have to think about that one (in case I cannot feel it). Ha ha.
    Lol!

    But could you imagine Fi? Someone cuts you off in the parking lot, you feel bad. The dinner rolls get burned, you feel bad. Your neighbor lets his dog relieve itself on your grass, you feel bad.

    I'd be afraid to step outside of my house if I had to go by Fi! At least with Ni, if something doesn't fit or add up, then it just doesn't.
    RomanticEditor thanked this post.

  9. #9
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by RomanticEditor View Post
    I've developed a shame-based personality over time and I think a major part of it is due to my slow processing -- almost inaccessible Introverted Feeling function.

    It's not only about having a hard time knowing what I feel, but feeling deeply divided as well. My therapist would start off every session asking me how I felt about this or that and I would draw blanks each time... I also find that when I'm in the midst of some kind of heated conflict with someone, my Introverted Feeling button gets stuck, so that I don't know what to answer back in a moment when I should be defending myself. I get the answers much later when the conflict is long past.

    Can anyone relate to this? Why is it I feel so lost in this area of my being?
    I think my Fi is quite low for an INFJ which might be kind of sad because I have usually wondered why it might be so low. I have over time especially now developed my Ti highly over a short time period so I think a consequence of doing so have caused me to ramp down my Fi quite well and I think it is similar for other INFJs as well at a point during their lives. I don't know what time years you are at but it is said according to theory that an INFJ's Ti begin to develop quite intense in early adolescence so that might be the case for me at least.

    I think a good thing with us INFJs is that we might have capacity of high empathy and being aware of our to a certain extent and others emotional / feeling (and perhaps mental) states to a high degree and have the capacity to stay “calm” at the same time. Think it this way that a healthy INFJ (in my opinion, of course) should have highly developed Ti but also Fe. I think I handle conflict quite well even though I do not like it and would prefer to avoid it and so on. I don't get easily offended (well I might; but I sort of get over it quite quick) and I can handle bluntness and people can generally be honest with me so long as I am not feeling too bad (I am a HSP to boot).

    I think I am excellent at handling situations diplomatically AND "rationally" to a certain extent and avoid pitfalls that perhaps the average person might fall into. Perhaps this has nothing to do with me being INFJ but perhaps a skill in general; I don't know. It is like being detached and emotionally aware of others (feelings) at the same time BUT not always myself I can tell -- I'm feeling confused a lot of times when somebody ask me how I feel as I can't honestly always answer it. To be honest I think there are times when I know what others feel much more than what I feel myself and I wonder how the hell that might work out. However I've developed an ability to stop worrying when I might otherwise feel worry and I consider that an improvement. I identify my emotions of both myself and others just as they come up and I generally control my own quite well at will.

    Yeah so you are not alone. I definitely don't want my Fi lower than it is now because I think a lot of personal motivation and beauty of human existence comes from that function and I think even as I don't have it that high does not mean Fi is less useful (on the contrary). I think I envy domFi's to a certain extent and repressing Fi might be dangerous. I've heard people with high Fi are able to do the stuff that I explained here as well so none of my post intend that those with high Fi does not have capacity to control emotions (and feelings) and I think on the contrary. Still remember considering you are INFJ that Fe can imitate somewhat of a Fi thanks to Ni but it is nothing like the real Fi.
    Last edited by Kysinor; 11-23-2009 at 08:44 PM.
    RomanticEditor thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I have had many times where something horrible has happened and I feel apathetic to it til after. (Break ups, being robbed, watching someone get killed, having someone close die)


     
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