[INFJ] Turn of Events

Turn of Events

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This is a discussion on Turn of Events within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; As you might know, I recently posted, talking about an INFJ 8 I met who was interested in pursuing a ...

  1. #1

    Turn of Events

    As you might know, I recently posted, talking about an INFJ 8 I met who was interested in pursuing a casual and temporary relationship.

    However, she was definitely more romantic and intimate than I'd expected casual to be and we've been developing feelings for each other.

    Well, recently, this girl decided that instead of escaping to an overseas internship as she planned, that she was going to stay somewhat local (an hour north to work in an organic farming and sustainability internship). This would keep her close enough to me for us to stay together.

    I was pleased, but shocked. I didn't expect her to change her plans.

    But even more shocking was when she asked me to join the internship with her. She said that internships like this were "amazing for couples". Understand, this has come completely out of nowhere.

    Now I'm very confused. After spending all this time warning me not to get too close, and that she wanted to go away, she's staying close, and she wants me to live and work by her side? It's gone from expecting no commitment to asking for a rather heavy commitment all at once.

    I have a summer job lined up already, and the money I'd make would be extremely helpful in establishing my independence. If I stay and work here, she'll be an hour and a half's drive away.

    If I go with her, the internship is unpaid, looks pretty interesting on a resume, and seems like it'd be far more enjoyable.

    But then she tells me that she will still "probably" move to California when the summer is up so that it might just make "final separation all the more painful".

    I adore her and I'm falling in love with her, but hell, I'm baffled, and this feels like a terrible trap.
    Ntuitive and HorribleAesthete thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Well, at this point anything you do will probably result in a little heart ache, so it's all about the risks you're willing to take from here on, I suppose.

    I've been trying to type something up for the past 20 minutes, but I keep rereading your post and parts of your old thread and starting over and over and over. I don't want to tell you what you already know, but that's all I'm actually going to be able to tell you, I'm pretty sure.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Xistiller View Post
    Well, at this point anything you do will probably result in a little heart ache, so it's all about the risks you're willing to take from here on, I suppose.

    I've been trying to type something up for the past 20 minutes, but I keep rereading your post and parts of your old thread and starting over and over and over. I don't want to tell you what you already know, but that's all I'm actually going to be able to tell you, I'm pretty sure.
    This is so annoying. It feels like all the risks and problems fall within the margin of error. The more I look at it, the more it seems like there is no magic bullet here.

    Neither can I trust myself to follow my feelings, because she may not even return them.

    I don't want to pass up on a great thing. But I also don't want to just roll the dice, and find myself with my dick in the wind, having made another sacrifice for another dead-end relationship!

    Fuck.
    Ntuitive thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Btmangan View Post
    This is so annoying. It feels like all the risks and problems fall within the margin of error. The more I look at it, the more it seems like there is no magic bullet here.

    Neither can I trust myself to follow my feelings, because she may not even return them.

    I don't want to pass up on a great thing. But I also don't want to just roll the dice, and find myself with my dick in the wind, having made another sacrifice for another dead-end relationship!

    Fuck.
    Being in love with someone gives them power over us, and we don't just want to hand that power off to someone. I'm convinced that an INFJ in a relationship hides a considerable amount of the depth of their feelings until they're as sure as they can be that letting that person know they have that power won't end disastrously.

    Obvious things being obvious and assumed things being assumed, you're just going to have to be honest and straight-forward if you don't want to play stupid mind games that leaves room for misinterpretation. You can ask her how she feels. You can tell her how you feel. And only from there will you really have an completely informed way to make a decision about what the fuck to do.

    -To what level do I want the other person to factor into my plans?
    -To what level do I want the other person to factor me into their plans?

    These are sort of key questions that I would recommend to have as the core of the conversation.
    "I really like you. Do you really like me, and if so how much are you willing to factor me into your plans? How much do you want to be factored into my plans. I would like for you to factor me into your plans this much, and I would like to factor you into my plans this much."

    Or you could put the other person first if you'd rather.
    "I really like you. Do you really like me, and if so how much do you want to be factored into my plans? How much are you willing to factor me into your plans? I would like to factor you into my plans this much, I would like for you to factor me into your plans this much."

    For the sake of not copying and pasting shit and throwing more variations in there, I'll assume that you're a smart enough guy to be able to twist that to fit whatever needs you have, if not to just toss it out entirely and make your own which is a lot better suited to your situation and what have you.

    As an INFJ who changed big important life plans that resulted in me staying closer to my SO, I think that there's a very reasonable chance that your relationship with her was an important deciding factor in her taking this summer internship. She might not have chosen to stay simply to be with you (she sounds too reasonable, realistic, and independent for that), but you were probably a influence. And that says something.


    I HAVE SO MUCH HOPE IN MY HEART FOR YOU GUYS TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND OVERCOME DISTANCE AND TIME AND MONEY TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, LONG RELATIONSHIP. But at the end of the day you need to look out for yourself, so do that.

    It's pretty much just a complicated fucking thing, man. You love someone and you're willing to try, but you don't want to get hurt, and they're so reasonable and they like you so they don't want you to hurt yourself and they don't want to get hurt either, but they really want it to work out, but they're realistic so they don't expect it to, but it seems so great, and oh god, what if I get hurt, what if I hurt them. Hurting them hurts you and you hurting hurts them but where's the love and commitment and the gas money.

    Just talk to her. And be honest. And be straight-forward. You can be reasonable, realistic, and open to the possibility of love being an important thing in your life all at once. It's just a rough and constant balancing act.

    EDIT: OH GOD. What have I even written here? My bad, man. I tried to be simple but consider all the things I need to consider, but there's so much there and so much not there. The whole "writing well" thing sort of escapes me 99% of the time.
    Btmangan thanked this post.

  5. #5

    "Amazing for couples?" Why would she say that if she wasn't interested in a long term commitment? She says one thing but her heart wants the other.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Well if you worked, you'd still be able to visit her while maintaining your independence so it's not like working means the end of things. I guess it depends on how much you like the internship and how interconnected you want your lives to be. The moving to California thing is kind of confusing though. I'd ask her what the point of being so close would be if she's just planning on leaving.

  7. #7
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    whaaaat? wierd. Maybe she'll cancel her plans for California.

  8. #8
    Unknown Personality

    All I can say is take the unexpected opportunities that come up that are halfway reasonable. The more chances you take, the more chance you'll get lucky.
    Btmangan thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    If it were me, I'd look out for number one. But I'd hate myself for it.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Man, that's tough. Personally, I am a bet hedger. More than likely I would stick with the job, since the relationship does not seem like a sure thing in the long run. It will allow you to gain your independence and still see her on occasion. At least that is what I think I would do. Love's a tricky devil that doesn't play by the rules.


     
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