This is a discussion on Infjs and Detachment(or disillusionment), is it common? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Shodan Sorry, it's one of those moments when I know exactly how I feel about something and ...
as far as b,
i don't know if this is necessarily an infj thing, or just a defense mechanism against anxiety, but when i'm not actively interacting with people and dont feel the need to be in that world of extraversion, i'm a passive observer of outer life, taking a more active interest in my inner life. i'm either watching everyone do their thing and just experiencing it, or im in a state of daydream where my objective reality, history, physicality, isn't taken into account. But I can snap out of it, if i really feel like i need to, like to get a new job, or something where my subjective experience has no use and is a burden. so in that sense, i feel like i dont really have that much in common with other people, since i invest so much time in my own world.
but yeah, i don't feel like i owe anyone anything except respect for their boundaries.
c) not feel as emotional as you thinnk you should or have controlled emotions.
YES, i always observe emotions arising in myself before i experience them. i experience emotions totally on the inside and really none of it seeps out spontaneously, so i think theres usually a disconnect between what im actually feeling and what others think im feeling. but this is probably because im a guy that was raised in a macho male type of family where crying is for sissies. i think as a result, i just intellectualized or bury emotion rather than purely releasing it.
I get into an argument with my brother.
I feel angry at first and leave, then I feel down. This inner pain tells me that something isn't right.
To find out what isn't right, I have to reflect on what happened objectively (not emotionally). What did I want? What did he want? What did each of us do INSTEAD that did NOT get us what we wanted? Was I more interested in being right than in being a good and happy brother?
Make a rational plan how to come back together and undo the tension, and work towards a win-win. How can I listen better and ask more questions, and how can I assertively state my wishes?
Now I still feel down and have a sense of urgency to fix, but I also feel a sense of hope. I will allow these feelings to be the gas in my engine, motivating me to smooth things out with my brother.
Hard to explain my thoughts on this, but I totally get the original poster's question.
I'm a pretty detached person. Even when I'm in a relationship with someone and I allow them "in" and let them get close to me, I still feel a bit detached, always. And, I am very good at separating feelings and reason.
That being said, I can be very empathetic. I donate to charitable causes, listen to friends and give advice when I can, and am a good friend. You might not hear from me for ages, but if you contact me and need help, I'm there for you.
In general, I don't think I'm always in touch with my emotions, nor are they the guiding factor in my life. There's a lot of detachment in the method I'll use to come at something: take in as much information as possible, reserve judgment until I've accumulated an adequate amount. And then hopefully my decision is both ethical and based on sound judgment.
When it comes to disagreements, I don't feel vast amounts of hurt or anger or passion. It's just a sort of hollow, sick feeling. And then once I understand what's going on and where everyone is coming from, I'm fine. Being able to wrap my head around something translates into regaining my emotional equilibrium.
Just found a link about this, thought I'd share.Source: INFJ Extraverted Feeling (Fe) and Making It Work for You - INFJ Ramblings1. You need to start noticing Fe and how your emotions fuel you in your everyday life. You need to realize how much your feelings control your well being, and how much the external control your feelings. Notice how your negative thought loops are often created from what happens out in the environment around you. How other peoples feelings somehow affect and get ahold of yours. How the external world often creates all the thoughts and feelings you experience at the moment. Practicing meditation is also a fast way of gaining this realization because when you shut out the external often, you start to realize that without it what you are left with inside is stability, calm, clarity and peace. That without all the things happening around you a lot of the negative feelings you might experience start to fade away. Use this as proof to help you understand how really extraverted your sense of feeling is. INFJs depend much on their environment for how they feel inside. Surrounding yourself with loving and caring people is crucial for your development.
2. Your second step is to start to predict your emotions. Understanding and predicting what causes you your pains starts to separate you from it. It helps you understand that even though your feelings can sometimes take ahold of you or jump out and surprise you, it is not who you are. When somebody gets you angry, it is really that external energy that affects you and how you choose to react to it determine how you will feel towards it. Your emotions are not much different then any other sense in your body like smell, taste etc. With practice you can change how it affects you.
3. The last step is to learn to let go. When you respond with anger or sadness to what somebody did to you or something that happened, what you really did in your mind before that was to create presumptions on how something should turn out. You create an ideal of how you want something to be or how somebody should act. You have to realize that trying to control what other people do or what happens in the outside world is pointless because you simply can’t. Hence chasing negative emotions that result from them is only you causing yourself more pain because you can’t control the situations. Every time it happens to you again, your mind is as surprised as the previous time and have failed to learn that grasping ideal situations really is pointless. The mind is fascinating in that way that it still thinks it can control the situation the next time and ends up letting itself down over and over. I like to picture it that it is no different then hitting your head against a brick wall, over and over.
I think nr 3 especially is very helpful to me. I often have an idealized image of people and get disappointed, leading to emotional reactions when I get pressed on the topic. This list really helped me make sense of why I react this way... although I'm not sure how to counter it yet. Working on it I guess :P