[INFP] Dilemma, dilemma.. - Page 2

Dilemma, dilemma..

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This is a discussion on Dilemma, dilemma.. within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; @ fmliminfp Alright, though i'm still curious. How much in-between time for the self will you take if you leave? ...

  1. #11

    @fmliminfp Alright, though i'm still curious. How much in-between time for the self will you take if you leave? And again have you explicitly told INTP you would leave him? And if/when you do, will you stick with him too until he found alternatives for him to find a hold-on or fulfilment. I mean the longer you stay with INTP (and leave him in the dark) and the more you get involved with INFJ, the more it seems like you will have a decent option B to distract your heart and mind with. Will you grand INTP time to process and redirect is heart and mind as well?

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Hombre View Post
    ...the real problem which is the lack of emotional connection. I'd probably end it with the INTP if I were you and go for the INFJ or if not, then look for someone who can fulfill you emotionally. You can still care for someone deeply, but in a relationship if your needs aren't being met then it's no point dragging it out. You have to be a little selfish with that otherwise you just lose yourself and will remain unhappy and probably resent them long term.
    This.

    While having more time is necessary in order to make the absolute best choice for your life -time to see if the INTP behavior is serious or just a bandaid- the INFJ is right in demanding that he's not anyone's second choice. I applaud his self-respect.
    It's been my personal experience, including my observations of the relationships around me, that people's change of behavior in order to save a dying relationship are only bandaids. Over time, they will resort back to their natural state of being. Since I don't know the INTP, I can't speak with any certainty, but it's my observation that it's very weird that he didn't change behavior in all these 8 years, and now suddenly he's making an effort to save his sinking ship last minute. The question here is... is this a true change of personality? Or just a temporary panicky bandaid? I find that it's not common that people change their personality overnight.
    The way I would go (and have gone in the past) about something like this is forgetting the INFJ for a second, and looking at life with the INTP for what it really is. Do you long for emotional support? Do you secretly daydream of personality traits that he doesn't have? Do you make many excuses for why you're okay not having certain needs met? And are they needs, or are they wants? Like Bad Hombre said, get selfish here. What do you want for your life, for you? First, have the vision for your life and what you want to experience with a mate. And then, only after the vision, check your reality and see if things are really going to be good long-term or if it's only a phase.

  3. #13
    Unknown

    There are some things I just know. Intuitively. Plus I know things about his past that I can't spill out here. He has been through hell, and come back as a winner. Yes, ofcourse it won't be all rosey and full of rainbows - we have had clashes when the INFJ partially doorslammed me. I made it clear, that I won't tolerate it, and we will talk through everything. We have a lot of turbulence, due to me being paralyzed to do anything about this situation. I know once I will step up and take action, and take responsibility for what I have done, it will get better.
    . . . the thing with INFPs is that our intuition tells us that something is very right. Our expectations of this person leads us to imagine an amazing relationships with very little evidence. I know because I've done it. I met a man, and our first date, I looked into his eyes and thought "I could marry this man". We were very much attuned to each other, physically, but emotionally . . . he destroyed me. (He was an ISTP btw). After a year and a half of this, I had to admit that I was at fault for putting expectations had no plausible reason for existing yet, and I was finally able to walk away.

    Basically, I'm saying don't always trust your intuition. It can be a fickle thing, especially if we're unconsciously pointing it in a certain direction - i.e. your discontentment with your current relationship, and you conveniently finding an escape with this INFJ. I would say if you're truly unhappy in your relationship with the INTP, then, of course, take a break. But don't rush into anything with the INFJ. Really take the time to figure out if you want the INFJ, or an escape from the INTP, because the two are completely different things.
    silver lining thanked this post.

  4. #14

    When you've known someone for a short time, you don't really know them, you don't know what goes on in their mind. What you really see are your own idealized projections, your own low-resolution abstractions of who you think or who you would like that person to be. A lot of relationships fall apart after the honeymoon phase because people get to truly know each other and those idealized projections fall apart.

    It's possible that all the positive qualities you see in the INFJ is actually a mirror to the things that you've been missing or denying yourself in your current relationship. It might not really have to do with the INTP or INFJ, it could be about you, maybe you lack assertiveness or maybe you haven't paid attention to what you're really looking for.

    The fact the INFJ is in a foreign country, it adds another spin to this. You haven't met him in person, you don't know if you have chemistry, concrete living and working arrangements are going to be very complicated. It sounds like you're chasing after a dream behind a computer screen, it's foolhardy, it could easily fall apart. You could leave the INTP all the same, but you're much more likely to find concrete prospects by dating people where you live, real people you have physical access to.
    entheos thanked this post.

  5. #15

    Quote Originally Posted by entheos View Post
    This.

    While having more time is necessary in order to make the absolute best choice for your life -time to see if the INTP behavior is serious or just a bandaid- the INFJ is right in demanding that he's not anyone's second choice. I applaud his self-respect.
    It's been my personal experience, including my observations of the relationships around me, that people's change of behavior in order to save a dying relationship are only bandaids. Over time, they will resort back to their natural state of being. Since I don't know the INTP, I can't speak with any certainty, but it's my observation that it's very weird that he didn't change behavior in all these 8 years, and now suddenly he's making an effort to save his sinking ship last minute. The question here is... is this a true change of personality? Or just a temporary panicky bandaid? I find that it's not common that people change their personality overnight.
    The way I would go (and have gone in the past) about something like this is forgetting the INFJ for a second, and looking at life with the INTP for what it really is. Do you long for emotional support? Do you secretly daydream of personality traits that he doesn't have? Do you make many excuses for why you're okay not having certain needs met? And are they needs, or are they wants? Like Bad Hombre said, get selfish here. What do you want for your life, for you? First, have the vision for your life and what you want to experience with a mate. And then, only after the vision, check your reality and see if things are really going to be good long-term or if it's only a phase.
    The INFJ is not right with that so no, no applause, and he doesn't respect others' relationships, simple. Besides, I find it quite a big assumption of yours towards the INTP that he is somehow ''suddenly saving ship'' after 8 years. If OP never mentioned her needs before these few months ago, INTP may not have seen that shortcoming and whatnot. That wasn't explicitly stated, so there may still be enough to say about OP's communication style as well in the relationship as a whole, in terms of voicing her needs.
    Anyway, I read quite some other posts of yours Entheos, and generally you seem quite misandrist. I probably get shitface'd saying this and asking women tough confronting questions (or just get ignored with no answers) ... and not essentially cheering their own perspective and thats it. But, on the other side it seems that criticism/complains about men go with free pass around INFP section, balance is off. Ehh.

    I don't know, I mean it is easy to know what kind of reply is popular and deemed ''supportive'' -> yay go be free, go be happy, you deserve more, you deserve different, go be selfish because it's good and healthy now. But I also don't agree with @Sangoire suggestions that the relationship with INTP is faulty or lacking because the INFJ can offer different things that OP gets attract and excited about. Duh, that will always be the case no matter with whom you are, left or right. So I find it all too simplistic to either highlight shortcomings in this relationship as clearcut arguments to support a decision to just drop it all, and too simplistic to criticise INTPs input without knowing how they even got to that place in the relationship in the first place, other than a synopsis of the last few months.
    fmliminfp thanked this post.

  6. #16

    @nicoloco90 Can't "thank" your post cause I disagree, but thought I'd reply sort of, in a kind of 'I hear you' way.
    I do agree with the part where you say (paraphrasing) the "problem" is hers because she lacks assertiveness in the relationship. Beyond this, there's not much other information. Which is why I said it's best to forget about the INFJ and focuse on herself and INTP, because the INFJ is a new shiny distracting thing, not a true oasis.

    And about misandrist, you havent read enough of my posts then, because I'm not. That is all.

    Have a good weekend.
    Last edited by entheos; 05-21-2017 at 02:21 AM.

  7. #17

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    The INFJ is not right with that so no, no applause, and he doesn't respect others' relationships, simple. Besides, I find it quite a big assumption of yours towards the INTP that he is somehow ''suddenly saving ship'' after 8 years. If OP never mentioned her needs before these few months ago, INTP may not have seen that shortcoming and whatnot. That wasn't explicitly stated, so there may still be enough to say about OP's communication style as well in the relationship as a whole, in terms of voicing her needs.
    Anyway, I read quite some other posts of yours Entheos, and generally you seem quite misandrist. I probably get shitface'd saying this and asking women tough confronting questions (or just get ignored with no answers) ... and not essentially cheering their own perspective and thats it. But, on the other side it seems that criticism/complains about men go with free pass around INFP section, balance is off. Ehh.

    I don't know, I mean it is easy to know what kind of reply is popular and deemed ''supportive'' -> yay go be free, go be happy, you deserve more, you deserve different, go be selfish because it's good and healthy now. But I also don't agree with Sangoire suggestions that the relationship with INTP is faulty or lacking because the INFJ can offer different things that OP gets attract and excited about. Duh, that will always be the case no matter with whom you are, left or right. So I find it all too simplistic to either highlight shortcomings in this relationship as clearcut arguments to support a decision to just drop it all, and too simplistic to criticise INTPs input without knowing how they even got to that place in the relationship in the first place, other than a synopsis of the last few months.
    -
    Last edited by fmliminfp; 05-21-2017 at 05:59 AM.

  8. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by entheos View Post
    @nicoloco90 Can't "thank" your post cause I disagree, but thought I'd reply sort of, in a kind of 'I hear you' way.
    I do agree with the part where you say (paraphrasing) the "problem" is hers because she lacks assertiveness in the relationship. Beyond this, there's not much other information. Which is why I said it's best to forget about the INFJ and focuse on herself and INTP, because the INFJ is a new shiny distracting thing, not a true oasis.

    And about misandrist, you havent read enough of my posts then, because I'm not. That is all.

    Have a good weekend.
    Yeah, I saw that you addressed that in the second part of your post, I noticed. Yet, it didn't seem to be the main/most important thought or perspective from your end and that worried me.
    Well, you do post a lot :p - it seemed a bit like a recurring theme shining through as of late.

  9. #19

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    Yeah, I saw that you addressed that in the second part of your post, I noticed. Yet, it didn't seem to be the main/most important thought or perspective from your end and that worried me.
    Well, you do post a lot :p - it seemed a bit like a recurring theme shining through as of late.
    Which proves that I can write whatever and you'll read whatever you want into it, and pick and choose what you think that I think is important. If u know what I mean.
    Projections from your part, imo tbh.
    But anyways...

  10. #20

    Quote Originally Posted by entheos View Post
    Which proves that I can write whatever and you'll read whatever you want into it, and pick and choose what you think that I think is important. If u know what I mean.
    Projections from your part, imo tbh.
    But anyways...
    ehh it's not about us so i'm fine with your concluding argument, you may have it.

    More importantly it is just this subject, and more often than not I see lots of supporting posts on the the OP's behave in threads like these (which you also participate in most of times) - which of course is important to do, but at some point it itches me too much when not many dare to question OP themselves and explore other perspectives. It's deemed less 'kind' maybe (or less ''thank''-worthy), but therein may just as well lie important information and support for OP.
    It is why I sometimes decide to try to confront/criticise, even if that puts me in a bad spot. For example you essentially saying that the INFJ can be applauded for a self-centered agenda (really? pressuring someone in a relationship with a timeframe?) and that when it comes to relationship-contexts that being selfish is a good thing. I find it worrying and shortsided based on info at hand, and basically already supporting an exit-strategy in terms of the relationship instead of first exploring other parts (e.g. communication, history). Yes you provided it, but it was more like second-hand.
    I mean if enough people start off that way with that sort of ''support'' that fits the exit-strategy for OP, it is already very much leading. (I don't want to suggest that anyone per se lets themselves be influenced by some forum when it comes to life-changing decisions). ... but still. So yeah, my motivation behind it.

    Anyway sorry I shouldn't have dropped the ''misandrist'', that was harsh/uncalled for. Bit too emotional-fueled there. But again it's this subject (tho not an excuse no), but I like you otherwise just pretty fine in any case.

     

    from other place:
    Quote Originally Posted by entheos
    @.... Both you and @... made good points.

    On the one hand, I know exactly what you mean about men in their 20s being liars and whatnot. However, don't think that it gets better in your 30s xD It's just more of the same. I don't see a maturity, tbh, men in their 30s are still lost and immature, but what's worked for me is to meet a ton of people over the years, and I do mean a ton, because a few of the people in that gigantic pool turn out to be decent men.


     
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