[INFP] Dilemma, dilemma..

Dilemma, dilemma..

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26
Thank Tree30Thanks

This is a discussion on Dilemma, dilemma.. within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I have been together with a wonderful INTP for almost 8 years. But a few months ago, le wild crush ...

  1. #1

    Dilemma, dilemma..

    I have been together with a wonderful INTP for almost 8 years. But a few months ago, le wild crush of all crushes (INFJ) appeared.

    We started out online, being playbuddies. We evolved quickly into friends, by connecting unearthly well. When I wasn't online/was at work or visited my relatives etc, I missed him so bad. His warmth, presence. His awesome dadjokes, his everything. I didn't know what the word "soulmate" means before I met him. We say the same things at the same time, we think the same things. We are in sync. We sense each others' happiness, and encourage and puke rainbows at each other during our happymoments.
    It's also intimidating cause we sense each others' emotions too well. When I'm down, he is down, and vice versa. It can sometimes form into a loop of accusations, while all we need is time out from each other. But we hate to leave problems unsolved for the sake of peace, and then we clash and mend things immediately.
    We are in love with each other, and we both know our feelings towards each other. Please don't kill me, I am well aware that I'm cheating my boyfriend emotionally. Anyways.

    My INTP had somehow tamed me, without me realizing it. I locked my emotions inside (so i wouldn't clash with his rational Ti). I think I tried to use my not-too-strong Te, and i was so judgemental towards other people, their actions. I was cynical, and I couldn't make friends, or keep them. This all went on until I met the INFJ. I'm emotional again, and I'm not afraid of showing them. We are both HSP too. He cracked my shell, and understands me like nobody else does. He feels the same - as if he finally had found someone who understands him for who he is, and loves him no matter what.

    Don't get me wrong - I love my INTP to the moon and back, but we just don't connect. Our interests are different. He likes going outdoors, and I rarely do it. I need a reason/goal to go out. I can't just walk in the bog. And he can't stand the idea of going to metal concerts with me, and it's all normal.
    The things that connect us in some way are home, our pets and our mutual games we play/movies we watch. Ok, travelling also, but we don't do it often, since it's expensive. Plus we aren't on nomad mode.
    He is not into humanitarian subjects, while I'm dying to talk about people and psychology, music, artsy things. But what draws me to him is his calmness and having his shit together, no matter what. He can be a rock when I get emotional. He doesn't offer emotional support, sadly, but he can rationalize my irrational thoughts, and within a few minutes I see that it's not that big of a deal, or it's out of my reach etc. Sometimes, though, I wish he didn't offer rational solutions to my irrational thoughts. I just need to vent and 100 hugs and kisses and words like: "It's gonna be alright" which I don't get from him.

    We also had some problems with the INTP, but I confronted him a few months ago, and he has been trying really hard to fix these. We have bought like 4-5 concert tickets for summer, we have gone out to play boardgames, we have been to movies, theatre. We do things. He has finally started showing affection after almost 8 years of being together (random kisses, hugs, "iloveyous" (HE HAD NEVER SAID IT FIRST BEFORE!)).
    I see his efforts, and it hurts me so bad that we actually could make it work. But the question is - will my infpish neediness of emotional support, compliments etc be satisfied with him in the long run? Am I still with him because I'm in my comfort zone, and possessive of him? What if I chose to stay and fix things, and find myself in the same sad situation after 2 years, while maybe being married to him, and having kids with him?

    At first I was fixating on the first couple of beautiful years with him, but now I'm Ne'ing possibly beautiful future with him. I'm also Ne'ing possible (even more beautiful and understanding) future with INFJ. The time has come so far that I need to make a decision, for all of us, to move on with our lives, and I can't seem to let either of them go. How do you handle such dilemmas? How does it look to an outsider? I can't seem to ask myself the right questions to make the leap...



  2. #2

    The only way to know is to wait and see if anything changes. If you see that he is starting to drift back to the way things were before then you know it is temporary.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonneh View Post
    The only way to know is to wait and see if anything changes. If you see that he is starting to drift back to the way things were before then you know it is temporary.
    The INFJ won't wait for me, and he does not agree to be anyone's second choice. And he is right in that sense.
    entheos thanked this post.

  4. #4

    If you stay with the INTP, cut off contact with the INFJ. In doing so though, you never really fix the real problem which is the lack of emotional connection. I'd probably end it with the INTP if I were you and go for the INFJ or if not, then look for someone who can fulfill you emotionally. You can still care for someone deeply, but in a relationship if your needs aren't being met then it's no point dragging it out. You have to be a little selfish with that otherwise you just lose yourself and will remain unhappy and probably resent them long term.

    Anyways, good luck. It's always a tough thing to do but you have to put yourself first at the end of the day.

  5. #5

    Hi @fmliminfp ... that is quite a dilemma. I feel awful for all three of you because there is no fairytale ending to this one. Any which way you look at it, someone is going to get hurt. Having been in a love-triangle myself, I know that no matter who you choose, there will be (what I call) guilt residue, because you are a decent human being.

    Imho, there is no 100% right or wrong answer. All I see here are shades of grey.

    This is what I see (as an outsider):
    - You deserve to be happy
    - All three of you deserve to be happy, but you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness; only your own
    - Your INTP is a stabilizing influence but that stabilization is starting to feel like suffocation
    - Your INTP deserves at least some measure of loyalty for trying to fix things
    - It is your choice as to how to show that loyalty (e.g. tell him the situation and work through it together, drop the INFJ and protect the INTP from the knowledge, make a decision and let the INTP be the first to know etc)
    - You are bored ... it is called the 7 year itch ... it's a real thing
    - 7 year itch does not mean that there isn't a real connection between you and your INFJ, but it may make you more prone to idealising the newer relationship (that's how it works for me)
    - The INFJ stimulates areas of your brain that you have allowed to go dormant ... and it is intoxicating ... it feels like a re-awakening
    - You need to evaluate what the "staying power" is for each relationship. Be honest with yourself and examine the gaps. When you and the INFJ argue, do you find yourself leaning on the INTP's presence to readjust yourself and rationalise? When your INTP is cold and distant, do you lean on the INFJ for affection? Both represent gaps ... neither guy can give you all of it ... you have to figure out which qualities are best for you in both the short and long term.
    - Something is obviously not right between you and the INTP or you wouldn't be vulnerable to intense emotional/romantic connection with others (I am assuming that you are monogamous by nature here). Evaluate whether the relationship is so damaged that if you said bye-bye to the INFJ, another feeler type may be equally (though differently) fascinating
    - You also need to ask yourself whether the INFJ is emotionally intelligent enough to get past you emotionally cheating on a former partner ... it is natural for people to assume that if you cheated to be with them, you may cheat on them in the future. Not everyone is capable of dealing with that ... especially if you happen to be generally flirty by nature (like I am) ... that can start a very messy jealousy cycle

    What should you do? Only you can decide what is right for you. You have a classic dichotomy here ... a choice between the head and the heart. I do not envy you, but I do know that you need to resolve it before the INTP finds out on his own. He deserves that much and, be honest, you know you will feel better about yourself in the long run if you own it.

    Best of luck to you and hugs if ya need them.
    Last edited by Sangoire; 05-19-2017 at 12:10 AM. Reason: clarification
    fmliminfp and Baf thanked this post.

  6. #6

    I think I know what to do. Thank you all for your valuable thoughts. I knew this is the right place to ask :)

    My plan is to:
    1. Move out, and tell him that I'm having an emotional affair. I'd rather protect him from this, but I know he won't find peace until he knows for sure what happened. I want him to know it's not his fault, and it would be easier for him to move on. If I go with the INFJ at the end of the day, he will figure it out anyway. And I'm sure he has sensed I'm out of the door with one foot.
    2. See what happens with the INFJ. Btw he lives in another country, so it would mean the biggest life change I have ever had, which I have to come to terms with. But I think it will be easier to deal with, once I'm "available".
    Sangoire, Eefje and Stable Genius thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by fmliminfp View Post
    I think I know what to do. Thank you all for your valuable thoughts. I knew this is the right place to ask :)

    My plan is to:
    1. Move out, and tell him that I'm having an emotional affair. I'd rather protect him from this, but I know he won't find peace until he knows for sure what happened. I want him to know it's not his fault, and it would be easier for him to move on. If I go with the INFJ at the end of the day, he will figure it out anyway. And I'm sure he has sensed I'm out of the door with one foot.
    2. See what happens with the INFJ. Btw he lives in another country, so it would mean the biggest life change I have ever had, which I have to come to terms with. But I think it will be easier to deal with, once I'm "available".
    Imo, you are being amazingly brave and as ethical as you possibly can be. Please come back here if you need support and feel free to PM me if you need a non-judgemental wonderwall or shoulder to cry on.
    fmliminfp thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by fmliminfp View Post
    The INFJ won't wait for me, and he does not agree to be anyone's second choice. And he is right in that sense.
    But he is second choice whether he likes it or not, he met a great person, but she is not available. That's his own fault because he knew (or knows now and chooses to stay around anyway trying to fish).

    Anyway, if you are having a stable and good relationship of 8 years with INTP, it seems like a big deal to throw that away to pursue a ''dream'' or ideologically fabulous relationship with the INFJ. It may be all nice and roses now, but you don't know what happens if you are with the INFJ for longer periods of time and more invested together. I don't know how long you have been talking with him, but it would be a bit naive to think that the INFJ will be your ultimate relationship that outlasts everything based on what you know now. I don't think you can ever compare or predict things like that. So again, it seems like a big thing to throw away a stable and consistent relationship for a gamble and a honeymoon-stage daydream with the INFJ.

    I think commitment, loyalty, determination and perseverance are one of the greatest traits in a person relationship-wise. No, it is not everything, but it is a very good basis. Both you and the INTP have shown that you have those which is great, so maybe you want to think a lot before quitting.

    Moreover, I don't understand why the INFJ would be interested in luring someone away and date someone that gets just out another relationship for them. Then you just KNOW that the person you date is capable of switching or leaving abruptly after many good years. Besides, thats tacky towards INTP and convenient for you. Either leave INTP first and be single first, or try to stay and work on your relationship.

    Seems like you're doing either of that. I hope you end up in a good place and that the plunge into the deep will bring you more than that you gave up. Have you have ever literally told INTP though that you are unfulfilled and thus thinking about the possibility of leaving him?

    Quote Originally Posted by fmliminfp
    I think I know what to do. Thank you all for your valuable thoughts. I knew this is the right place to ask :)

    My plan is to:
    1. Move out, and tell him that I'm having an emotional affair. I'd rather protect him from this, but I know he won't find peace until he knows for sure what happened. I want him to know it's not his fault, and it would be easier for him to move on. If I go with the INFJ at the end of the day, he will figure it out anyway. And I'm sure he has sensed I'm out of the door with one foot.
    2. See what happens with the INFJ. Btw he lives in another country, so it would mean the biggest life change I have ever had, which I have to come to terms with. But I think it will be easier to deal with, once I'm "available".



    Last edited by nicoloco90; 05-19-2017 at 01:51 AM.
    fmliminfp thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I don't want "what if's" in my life. Therefore, I need to come clean, and be alone for a while to re-evaluate.
    Stable Genius, entheos and Sangoire thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    Anyway, if you are having a stable and good relationship of 8 years with INTP, it seems like a big deal to throw that away to pursue a ''dream'' or ideologically fabulous relationship with the INFJ. It may be all nice and roses now, but you don't know what happens if you are with the INFJ for longer periods of time and more invested together. I don't know how long you have been talking with him, but it would be a bit naive to think that the INFJ will be your ultimate relationship that outlasts everything based on what you know now. I don't think you can ever compare or predict things like that. So again, it seems like a big thing to throw away a stable and consistent relationship for a gamble and a honeymoon-stage daydream with the INFJ.
    There are some things I just know. Intuitively. Plus I know things about his past that I can't spill out here. He has been through hell, and come back as a winner. Yes, ofcourse it won't be all rosey and full of rainbows - we have had clashes when the INFJ partially doorslammed me. I made it clear, that I won't tolerate it, and we will talk through everything. We have a lot of turbulence, due to me being paralyzed to do anything about this situation. I know once I will step up and take action, and take responsibility for what I have done, it will get better.

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    I think commitment, loyalty, determination and perseverance are one of the greatest traits in a person relationship-wise. No, it is not everything, but it is a very good basis. Both you and the INTP have shown that you have those which is great, so maybe you want to think a lot before quitting.
    The INTP doesn't give me the affection I need. It is uncharacteristic of him. Even if he does it now, it will drain him eventually. I have been contemplating over this dilemma since February, so yes, I have given it a lot of thought.

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    Moreover, I don't understand why the INFJ would be interested in luring someone away and date someone that gets just out another relationship for them. Then you just KNOW that the person you date is capable of switching or leaving abruptly after many good years. Besides, thats tacky towards INTP and convenient for you. Either leave INTP first and be single first, or try to stay and work on your relationship.
    The INFJ knows I'm monogamous by nature, and he sees through me. This is why he is still here.
    The years were good/harmonic, because I suppressed myself. I shouldn't have done it, and I should have communicated my needs to him right away, when I felt something is off. But this is who we are. we BOTH hate conflicts, and this doesn't do good to us that we avoid such discussions.
    To me it would be more comfortable to stay in this relationship, and not tell him about the affair, and try to work on the intimacy, and ditch the INFJ. But I would have "what if".
    Never tell me my choice to leave him is comfortable and easy. This is the hardest thing to do, and this is why I have been in this dilemma for so long.

    Quote Originally Posted by nicoloco90 View Post
    Seems like you're doing either of that. I hope you end up in a good place and that the plunge into the deep will bring you more than that you gave up. Have you have ever literally told INTP though that you are unfulfilled and thus thinking about the possibility of leaving him?
    I communicated with him about our problems, and this is what I told in the first post. He is trying to fix them, but the more days pass, I just realize that I need a connection with whom I spend the rest of my life with.
    Last edited by fmliminfp; 05-19-2017 at 02:44 AM.
    Stable Genius, Sangoire and entheos thanked this post.


     
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Dilemma
    By Razvan in forum NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 11-06-2014, 11:18 AM
  2. S vs N: My Dilemma (E-FP)
    By Wings of Nike in forum What's my personality type?
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-24-2014, 02:42 PM
  3. S/N dilemma
    By Inklinacja in forum What's my personality type?
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-19-2013, 01:54 PM
  4. [ISFJ] Please help me with my dilemma
    By Mendi the ISFJ in forum ISFJ Forum - The Nurturers
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 09-30-2011, 10:47 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:49 AM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0