Question for INFP's or people with long time experience with INFP's.

Question for INFP's or people with long time experience with INFP's.

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This is a discussion on Question for INFP's or people with long time experience with INFP's. within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I've been going out with an INFP for a long time. We were both pretty clueless to the MBTI assessment ...

  1. #1
    ISFP - The Artists

    Question for INFP's or people with long time experience with INFP's.

    I've been going out with an INFP for a long time. We were both pretty clueless to the MBTI assessment until recently (2-3 months ago). I just need some advice on how to make him feel better about himself and about life. I'll give some example of how he is some days. He gets into very deep moods and has unreasonable expectations of himself and others, it's not just me that thinks it because he will admit to being unreasonable. He focuses on every little detail which ends up getting himself frustrated. He starts to question everything (life, job, relationship, where he lives) when he gets in these types of moods. For years i've tried different things to cheer him up. It bothers me that i'm not able to do/say the right things. I just want him to be happy. If he was fine with being in those moods I wouldn't worry or be concerned, but he's said many times he wishes he wasn't that way. He gets really frustrated in these moods and feels like he wants to just give up on things. I know i've repeated "frustrated" a lot, but that seems to be his biggest problem. He gets soooo frustrated and wants to give up. When he took a few tests and read the results he said "this is totally me!!!!!!" I read it myself and was pretty in shock. The thing is, after he read it, he said he wishes he wasn't like that at all. He says because of his personality life has been hard, especially when it comes to his job and how he focuses on detail to the extreme.

    A lot of my family and friends have told me for a long time now to start seeing other people. Not only because of his moods and other issues, but a few other big incidents in our relationship on his behalf. I truly love him, the person he is, flaws and all. Afterall, nobody is "perfect". Our relationship can get pretty rocky when he gets into his moods and I just want to try things I haven't already to make it better.

    I would love to hear from the INFP's on what they do to get themselves out of that frustrated/question everything mood? What kinds of things do people do that help? I noticed some INFP's on here saying "growing up my mom knew just the thing that would help". What has your husband/wife bf/gf done that has helped? Is it just a matter of time for you to feel better? Does reading help? Music?

    I would also love the hear from people that have experience with INFP's. What have you said/done that works?

    Thanks!
    Last edited by Mina; 01-22-2010 at 10:03 AM.
    refugee, Acey, under skies and 34 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    Hey Mina.

    This sounds very similar to a relationship I had once. Except it was the opposte - I'm the INFP and she was an xSxJ (i think looking back, probably e, f). Anyways, she was the one that would get into those moods and hate it and I could not understand it or how it was triggered. I don't think his behavior with those moods are just an INFP thing. I think its just depression rearing its ugly head. I have down days like everyone, but I've never had anything like these moods and I'm an INPF...

    as far as things that make me feel better on those bad days:
    1. Music. I have my certain "therapy songs" that I listen to and they just relax me immediately and my spirits raise. My freinds find it odd that I'll stick the same song on repeat for like an hour but it what the doc ordered
    2. Friends - I'm talking about good friends and I specifically mean going out and doing something. Nothing helps me forget and get over bad days than going out for some fun - be it to a friends house for a video, hiking, or going bowling...
    3. Comedy. comedy is medicine and I truly believe it. Throw on youtube and look up funny videos for an hour. he'll feel better.
    4. someone who cares. Let him know how much you do care. If he's an INFP he'll note it (but don't keep repeating it, the effect wears off with too much use) and appreciate it. Give him a hug or make him dinner or something thoughtful to "prove it" - that would always help me.

    hope this helps..

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by gloosle View Post
    as far as things that make me feel better on those bad days:
    1. Music. I have my certain "therapy songs" that I listen to and they just relax me immediately and my spirits raise. My freinds find it odd that I'll stick the same song on repeat for like an hour but it what the doc ordered
    2. Friends - I'm talking about good friends and I specifically mean going out and doing something. Nothing helps me forget and get over bad days than going out for some fun - be it to a friends house for a video, hiking, or going bowling...
    3. Comedy. comedy is medicine and I truly believe it. Throw on youtube and look up funny videos for an hour. he'll feel better.
    4. someone who cares. Let him know how much you do care. If he's an INFP he'll note it (but don't keep repeating it, the effect wears off with too much use) and appreciate it. Give him a hug or make him dinner or something thoughtful to "prove it" - that would always help me.
    Thats my remedy..along with video games.
    Mina, SalvinaZerelda, xIrony and 4 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    Some times people just need to get through some stuff. Just let them deal with it. You can try to cheer them up but some times time is the cure.
    Blue Heart, under skies, agreenbough and 5 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ISFP - The Artists

    Thank you for the information Gloosle! :]

    It's not depression, it's definitely his personality. I'll give an example of how his mood changes based on an INFP characteristic. He will be totally fine, he starts doing something/anything for quite a long time, and if it's not going the way he wants it or it doesn't end up perfect he gets EXTREMELY frustrated and upset. Then he gives up and acts really down. Many times I have tried to help do whatever it is he is trying to do, but I end up in his mind doing a worse job than he would have done. So i've learned to not really help that way anymore unless it's something i'm really good at.

    Other times he will just question EVERYTHING. The purpose/meaning of everything. His job. Nothing I ever say seems to help. We do have different views on a lot of things, but I'm not sitting there forcing my views down his throat. I have stated my views in the past and it just ends up in an argument because we are very different in some ways. So after that didn't work I started to engage in the conversation by asking questions, like.. why are you feeling this way? What do you want to do to fix the problem you are talking about? But that just made him think/talk deeper and then he starts getting mad because he says he wishes he didn't have such unrealistic thoughts about reality. I've told him it's good to vent and that if he wants to vent I will listen but then he says he wants answers to his questions. So it's like I never know what to do!!

    I have also tried to take the "let him deal with it on his own" approach as GBer suggested (even though that's totally not the type of person I am), but then he starts saying/thinking I don't care or that i'm getting fed up with him.

    The relationship is pretty much this in one sentance. When things are good they are really good, but when they are bad they are really bad. There's no median. We both have a connection we are sure of and we love each other, but it just seems like the communication is suffering more and more.

    I guess my question should have been are their any INFP's here that can relate to this? Or any ISFJ's or similiar personalities that have experience in these types of situations with an INFP?
    Last edited by Mina; 01-22-2010 at 10:21 AM.
    bananatree thanked this post.

  6. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    One of my good friends is an INFP and he seems to get into weird phases and just make no sense. He's an intense person and I think things are either amazing for him, or awful. When things are 'awful' he doesn't seem to think clearly at all and it seems like everything anybody says is 'the wrong thing'. I don't really know how to help but I don't think that putting all your emotional energy into one 'project' that could go wrong is a healthy thing. Seems like he's intensely looking for some 'answer' and every time he doesn't find it it's shattering. I don't know what kinds of projects he focuses his energy on but maybe he should focus it on something 'concrete' that's less likely to go 'right' or 'wrong'.. or kind of... get involved in a project for the sake of being involved with it rather than the potential outcome. That might be the issue - that he invests all his emotional energy into the outcome of one particular thing? Do you have any way of communicating that to him, of suggesting that he doesn't invest everything into one thing? My INFP friend has invested all his emotional energy into one 'cause' and I feel that his cause is a bit insane to begin with..he's quite idealistic..and I'm kind of worried that the same thing's gonna happen to him as you describe, cos he's like that already - when things go wrong he gets really down.
    Except that when he's blinded by his 'cause' he doesn't take any advice at all, he's completely stubborn. Does your partner get like that? If so it might be an idea to point all this stuff out to him somehow before he gets his next 'cause' into his head so that he can be aware of it all before he gets too emotionally involved in something else?
    I hope this is helpful.
    Mina, Evgenia, EiNyx and 7 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ISFP - The Artists

    YES SUNRAIN!! When you said this "I think things are either amazing for him, or awful." I was like that is so him in so many aspects of his life!!!! I always tell him to try and find a good median, maybe it will help. But i'm starting to realize he just can't. It's either amazing and he's in his 7th heaven or its awful and it gets really bad. He talks a lot about how he would be happier if he was doing something he is passionate about, but the problem is he has no idea what his passion is. He says he's very confused. I've suggested kids? "no" animals? "no" elderly? "no" computers? "no" medical field? "no" cars? "no" the list goes on and on. He says he really doesnt think he has a passion for anything job or hobby related. He said his whole life he never really felt passionate about anything. And then he brings up, once again, how he hates his personality because a big thing with INFP's is doing something in their career they have a passion for or find meaning in it.

    Yes, he totally gets like that where he won't take any advice. Not even from professionals. He will say things like "nobody understands" and he will get very down. He says if he's confused himself how will anybody else help him.

    It breaks my heart to see him "struggling" with himself as a person and in life. I'm confused with things in life too, but he's confused to like the extreme. Many days I will sit and think about how I wish I could offer him better advice, or what advice I can give him.

    What kind of projects is your friend doing or have done that seem to be going successfully?
    Evgenia and Syches thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists


    He gets into very deep moods and has unreasonable expectations of himself and others, it's not just me that thinks it because he will admit to being unreasonable
    Sometimes infp's take every single criticism you give to them and actually believe it. So just because he agrees with you doesn't mean it's right. we often don't know what's wrong with us.


    He focuses on every little detail which ends up getting himself frustrated. He starts to question everything (life, job, relationship, where he lives) when he gets in these types of moods. For years i've tried different things to cheer him up. It bothers me that i'm not able to do/say the right things
    .

    I'm sure he appreciates it deeply. If he doesn't show it... take it from me.

    I just want him to be happy. If he was fine with being in those moods I wouldn't worry or be concerned, but he's said many times he wishes he wasn't that way.
    That's part of the problem. He doesn't realize his value. He needs to become conscious of his worth. You should tell him to get on here and talk to people on here....or even message me. It's hard to give advice when I don't know exactly what is tripping him up.

    He gets really frustrated in these moods and feels like he wants to just give up on things. I know i've repeated "frustrated" a lot, but that seems to be his biggest problem. He gets soooo frustrated and wants to give up. When he took a few tests and read the results he said "this is totally me!!!!!!" I read it myself and was pretty in shock. The thing is, after he read it, he said he wishes he wasn't like that at all. He says because of his personality life has been hard, especially when it comes to his job and how he focuses on detail to the extreme.
    It's not because of his personality. Everyone goes through struggles. Maybe because he is able to express it so well....his is most apparent....he should realize that he isn't the only one who suffers....which is hard .....when you don't actually see it ....you don't perceive it. Again....I would have to talk to him.

    A lot of my family and friends have told me for a long time now to start seeing other people. Not only because of his moods and other issues, but a few other big incidents in our relationship on his behalf. I truly love him, the person he is, flaws and all. Afterall, nobody is "perfect". Our relationship can get pretty rocky when he gets into his moods and I just want to try things I haven't already to make it better.
    Thanks :). He can get better.... he isn't stuck this way. He is just looking for some answers he hasn't found yet. I think you guys will be fine.... but he needs some answers. I reallllly admire your determination to keep the relationship going in the face of hardships....shows a lot about your character.

    I would love to hear from the INFP's on what they do to get themselves out of that frustrated/question everything mood? What kinds of things do people do that help? I noticed some INFP's on here saying "growing up my mom knew just the thing that would help". What has your husband/wife bf/gf done that has helped? Is it just a matter of time for you to feel better? Does reading help? Music?

    I would also love the hear from people that have experience with INFP's. What have you said/done that works?

    Thanks!

    I don't know exactly what kind of thoughts are making him feel this way. If I did I could help a lot more. I'm not gonna lie....MBTI helps A LOT! MBTI helps explain a lot about the positive and negative aspects of each type.....and ESPECIALLY if he gets interested in the deeper parts of it....I think he will begin to see a lot of connections he never saw before. But it's hard to tell what stimuli is actually causing him to get so frustrated and sad.

    As for what you can do? Love is all really. I think you are doing a lot already.... and I'm sure he realllly loves you for it. Just getting on here shows how much you care.

    But the best thing to do is just to be supportive. I don't think you are going to be able to solve his problems for him.....only he can get himself out..... but honestly....I could prolly help him if I talked to him one on one or something.

    Sorry i couldn't of been more help at the moment. Throw him on here though.... might be able to clear things up a bit.
    arc72, Blue Heart, Aßbiscuits and 10 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    ESTP - The Doers


    Hugs and kisses and saying I love you a lot and making sure you tell them how you're feeling and taking it easy with honesty.

    I've been raised by infps and enfps and that's all I can come up with, sorry
    chances2468, blu, mirrorghost and 3 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by thehigher View Post
    Sometimes infp's take every single criticism you give to them and actually believe it. So just because he agrees with you doesn't mean it's right. we often don't know what's wrong with us.
    Not knowing what is wrong continues on if there is no one there to help the INFP see otherwise. They may be introspective, but remember -- they gather information endlessly and may change their views according to what they have learned about themselves thus far.

    Also, I want to add that believing in the wrong things may happen because INFPs are usually chameleon-like, and absorb the colors and moods of their surroundings. Outwardly, he may seem to have agreed with you, but on the inside, he may be asking, "Is it true? Why do people say X about me, but I think Z about myself? How has this person come to believe these things? Do they know something that I don't know, or is it the other way around? Do I know something that they don't know?" And so on.


    Quote Originally Posted by thehigher View Post
    I don't know exactly what kind of thoughts are making him feel this way.[...] MBTI helps explain a lot about the positive and negative aspects of each type [...] But it's hard to tell what stimuli is actually causing him to get so frustrated and sad.
    I agree that this is a major problem for any type, especially those that live very much with their imaginations by their sides. We forget that the world exists in its own forms. Help the INFP see what they are dealing with -- and do not, I repeat, DO NOT add any SHOULDs or OUGHTs or "I can't understand why..." while helping. Examples:

    NO: You shouldn't be so upset because there's nothing to be upset about.
    YES: You look a little sad today. What happened?

    NO: I can't understand why you can't just stop thinking!
    YES: It seems like you have been thinking a lot lately. Have you been worried about your mom?

    Essentially, NOes focus on the way things should be that FEEL out of the INFP's control. YESes focus on facts as they stand, and encourage a path to other facts that may "feel better".


    Quote Originally Posted by thehigher View Post
    But the best thing to do is just to be supportive. I don't think you are going to be able to solve his problems for him.....only he can get himself out..... .
    I agree with half of this comment. YES, be supportive, but supportive in a way that is helpful to the INFP. YES, you can't solve his problems for him. But NO, I don't agree that "only he can get himself out". That very last statement stems from Western ideals/expectations of being able to do everything on one's own. I think what thehigher -- and other people who say this -- really means is that you can help him, but he ALSO has to help himself. No human is an island.


    Quote Originally Posted by assbiscuits View Post
    Hugs and kisses and saying I love you a lot and making sure you tell them how you're feeling and taking it easy with honesty.

    I've been raised by infps and enfps and that's all I can come up with, sorry
    Is that why you're so bubbly for an INTJ, assbiscuits??
    OrangeAppled, arc72, Blue Heart and 14 others thanked this post.


     
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