[INFP] Fellow INFPS, how do I get out of this dreaded TE grip? - Page 2

Fellow INFPS, how do I get out of this dreaded TE grip?

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This is a discussion on Fellow INFPS, how do I get out of this dreaded TE grip? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; i'm just going to dive in and dive out because i don't think an intj is a very good person ...

  1. #11

    i'm just going to dive in and dive out because i don't think an intj is a very good person for advising infps on how to get away from te. but i wanted to say, op: a lot of what you described sounds like the aftermath of healthy person still recovering from an abusive relationship. so i had some general points that were about that rather than being about mbti functions in any way.

    - it's difficult to let go of the hypervigilance and the strategizing that abusers force you into using while you're under their power, just to survive.

    - abuse often causes you to stockpile emotions, because you're not free to feel or express them - or process them, or act on them - while you're still in. so after you do get away there's a lot of stockpiled stuff that falls out of that closet onto your head.

    - at the same time it causes you to repress them, and your ability to feel and process takes a while to come back. like sitting on a limb that goes numb.

    - when i first heard the idea of having to grieve over a relationship i couldn't wait to get out of, i thought the speaker was nuts. but it's still true, because what i got (and eventually left) was NOT what i thought i was going to get when i got into it.

    - same person told me i needed to forgive myself, and i thought she was even nuts-er, for that. but she was right. somewhere underneath all the logic i was angry with myself for getting myself into it. really, i was just angry. it shouldn't have happened.

    - abusive people plant tapes in your head, especially if they like the emotional path. you're stupid, you're worthless, that's useless, you can't yada blah blah. those reflexes take time to go away too, because one of the things you do to survive is start anticipating them so you won't have to hear them from the bad guy. instead of beating yourself up for being te on yourself, you could try recognizing that critical voice as not even yours. and then remind it that it's not the boss of you anymore and tell it to shut up.

    also \o/ \o/ you for getting away \o/ \o/. i love it when that happens and the good guys win out.
    RubberNipples thanked this post.

  2. #12

    What works for me is to not directly try to extinguish the Te, but rather to turn it around. Use that aggressive energy to basically give the middle finger to everything you deem as "appropriate" or whatever. I've had to tell myself that perfectionism and caring is indeed what is idiotic and go after that instead. Cannibalize that Te. It doesn't even have to be in a super outrageous way that's going actually affect your life. Make some ugly artwork just because you can and revel in the chaotic stampede that you just caused on that piece of paper with a bunch of colored pencils who serve at your will. Stop combimg your hair, start wearing pajamas to the grocery store, because you damn well can. You are the boss of this ridiclous mess. And there you have it, ridiculous and messy is back. Ne can set up and camp here. And Fi kinda likes it.

  3. #13

    Hey, @lilysocks thanks for posting on my thread! :D



    - it's difficult to let go of the hypervigilance and the strategizing that abusers force you into using while you're under their power, just to survive.

    - abuse often causes you to stockpile emotions, because you're not free to feel or express them - or process them, or act on them - while you're still in. so after you do get away there's a lot of stockpiled stuff that falls out of that closet onto your head.

    - at the same time it causes you to repress them, and your ability to feel and process takes a while to come back. like sitting on a limb that goes numb.

    - when i first heard the idea of having to grieve over a relationship i couldn't wait to get out of, i thought the speaker was nuts. but it's still true, because what i got (and eventually left) was NOT what i thought i was going to get when i got into it.

    - same person told me i needed to forgive myself, and i thought she was even nuts-er, for that. but she was right. somewhere underneath all the logic i was angry with myself for getting myself into it. really, i was just angry. it shouldn't have happened.

    - abusive people plant tapes in your head, especially if they like the emotional path. you're stupid, you're worthless, that's useless, you can't yada blah blah. those reflexes take time to go away too, because one of the things you do to survive is start anticipating them so you won't have to hear them from the bad guy. instead of beating yourself up for being te on yourself, you could try recognizing that critical voice as not even yours. and then remind it that it's not the boss of you anymore and tell it to shut up.

    also \o/ \o/ you for getting away \o/ \o/. i love it when that happens and the good guys win out.



    Yeah, I agree there. It got to the point where he started to gaslight me constantly. When I was genuinely upset about something, he'd reflect the blame back on me, making me out to be a crazy nag... and then I'd start feeling horrible/guilty about ever being upset in the first place. So, the majority of the relationship was me, saying sorry for getting upset about things which he described as being 'little', but they meant something to me. He also had little passive-aggressive ways of undermining my intelligence, and one time that he didn't want a career girl he wanted a stereo-typical wife... which stayed home, no job, and looked after the kids. This was during the time I was pursuing my Masters Degree. When he'd check up on what I'd be doing, I'd tell him research for my final presentation, and he'd somehow make out I was "Bragging" or "Gloating' when I was actually just answering his question. I told him he hurt my feelings, and he just shrug it off, not giving a shit.

    It took a lot of strength to break it off, the first time I was going to do it. He threatened to kill himself, and was crying that he couldn't live without me and all of this dross... that made me feel absolutely terrible. So I stayed with him for another 5 months, after he made promises of not being a judgmental douchebag. Turns out that was a load of shit... as the final straw for me was when he threw it back in my face - the fact that I apologized and took him back, he said something like "If you were going to leave me, you would have done it ages ago." And all of this manipulative bullshit.

    And it is true. I'm angry at myself for getting involved with him, and being deceived. The trouble was that, at first I assumed he was perfect for me, and idealized him horribly. I thought he was the "One", and that tricked me into believing a lot of his lies all during that period.

    I would reveal a lot more unsavory behavior, but in fear of him identifying me I'm withholding. After breaking up with him, he began to tirelessly stalk me at home, and my place of work... I still fear that he's stalking me to this day, months after. I have withhold all contact with him, because reading stalker articles... any bit of contact would encourage them to pursue it further. I just rightly hope, it's done the job.

    And thanks again for messaging me, and giving support. That means a lot, especially after a hard time like that :) Props to you too, dude! Screw them both.
    lilysocks and sippingcappucino thanked this post.

  4. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by Missaltoe View Post
    What works for me is to not directly try to extinguish the Te, but rather to turn it around. Use that aggressive energy to basically give the middle finger to everything you deem as "appropriate" or whatever. I've had to tell myself that perfectionism and caring is indeed what is idiotic and go after that instead. Cannibalize that Te. It doesn't even have to be in a super outrageous way that's going actually affect your life. Make some ugly artwork just because you can and revel in the chaotic stampede that you just caused on that piece of paper with a bunch of colored pencils who serve at your will. Stop combimg your hair, start wearing pajamas to the grocery store, because you damn well can. You are the boss of this ridiclous mess. And there you have it, ridiculous and messy is back. Ne can set up and camp here. And Fi kinda likes it.
    Hahahah! I love it! Genius.

    Stick it to Structure, and own it. That truly is a beautiful attitude.

    Fuck it, this is the mess I made... and I'll bloody well own it.

    "...Just because you can and revel in the chaotic stampede that you just created on that piece of paper..."

    Thank-you, Missaltoe. That's awesome advice! I'll try and implement a bit of that in my own life, with all the other great advice I've received from everyone as well.
    Miss Thevious thanked this post.

  5. #15

    I will just quickly reply by saying this : I've always wanted to write music, but nowadays I don't even start a song because I hear this voice telling me "what are you gonna do with it then?". I'm a 4 btw.

    The only way I can properly function, is when I'm faced with repetitive actions (example having a 'regular' non artistic job ).

    It might be an OCD thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Missaltoe View Post
    What works for me is to not directly try to extinguish the Te, but rather to turn it around. Use that aggressive energy to basically give the middle finger to everything you deem as "appropriate" or whatever. I've had to tell myself that perfectionism and caring is indeed what is idiotic and go after that instead. Cannibalize that Te.
    Wow, that sounds so brutal (and advanced). How did you learn to do that ?

    Quote Originally Posted by sippingcappucino View Post

    -walking alone/spending time alone: you are able to think while looking around the surroundings
    Probably one of the best suggestions. I always have to force myself to GET OUT. But afterwards it feels better and everything is put into perspective again.
    Last edited by The Eye; 12-14-2017 at 07:24 AM.
    Miss Thevious and RubberNipples thanked this post.

  6. #16

    Quote Originally Posted by The Eye View Post
    Wow, that sounds so brutal (and advanced). How did you learn to do that ?
    Te is first and foremost your worker bee, at least in xNFP; it is there to carry out a function and be magnificent at it. But the secret is, you can be the one to tell it what to do, it only goes by the standards it knows. The way you can trick Te is by convincing it that its "boss", the laws of appropriateness and perfection, are playing it for a fool. They aren't really getting to do their executive functioning job if it's to an outsider's accord. Te wants to be CEO, even though we know they never will be, but you just might get them to take a CFO job at your new start up once they realize they will have more power on your team.
    The Eye and RubberNipples thanked this post.

  7. #17

    I like to remind myself that my feelings do not determine my attitude. Naturally this is easier said than done, but not impossible. I think it's just one of those learned mental hygiene behaviors.
    RubberNipples thanked this post.

  8. #18

    Hey @The Eye , thanks for posting on the board dude!

    The same goes for me in terms of any creative work I do, hahahaha! I always have this need to assign a purpose to it... It has to have some kind of logical contribution to the world, otherwise I just feel like the act of creation is pointless.

    The only way I can properly function, is when I'm faced with repetitive actions (example having a 'regular' non artistic job ).


    Yeah, that's probably the main reason why I got into research as a career. Truth be, if I don't have a structure of any kind that's well... methodical I don't get anything done. I've started a lot of projects over the years, crazy ones which I've abandoned half-way because I haven't had the uhhh attention-span or... uhhh drive to carry it through. Also I end up convincing myself to quit it by saying stuff like: "These are shit ideas anyway, no one is going to like it. And everyone is going to criticize how horrible it is anyway. Abandon it."

    If I'm going to make a confession, truth be I feel like a lot of my artistic endeavors are kind of selfish WHEN they don't have any logical application to the world. I.E: Contributing to research, or a study of some kind. I know that sounds weird, it probably does. If I do draw something pointless, with no intention except to channel my emotions I sort of say to myself:

    "Who the hell is going to give a damn about any of this?"
    "What's the purpose of this? Why create this."
    "What's the point of continuing further."

    I kind of have this urge to do a "Bob Ross" and give my sketches/ art away... maybe that will assign some kind of purpose to them and encourage me to make more? I feel they're just useless sitting as a myriad of sketchbook piles/ loose sheets in the corner of my study room.

    It's probably TE talking. As @Missaltoe said, I should probably just own what I do and not worry about its definite application or purpose... because I bloody well can do.
    Last edited by RubberNipples; 12-14-2017 at 09:29 PM.
    The Eye thanked this post.

  9. #19

    @littlemoon This is a very good reflective approach, dude. It reminds me of the meditation articles I've been reading up on, which was suggested as a post on this forum earlier. It really does reset your approach to the world.

    "I may feel X, but it doesn't mean I am X."
    sippingcappucino and littlemoon thanked this post.

  10. #20

    Quote Originally Posted by RubberNipples View Post

    If I'm going to make a confession, truth be I feel like a lot of my artistic endeavors are kind of selfish WHEN they don't have any logical application to the world. I.E: Contributing to research, or a study of some kind. I know that sounds weird, it probably does. If I do draw something pointless, with no intention except to channel my emotions I sort of say to myself:

    "Who the hell is going to give a damn about any of this?"
    "What's the purpose of this? Why create this."
    "What's the point of continuing further."

    .
    Well, it's your high expectations talking here. You put a lot of pressure on your drawings / sketches . I, for instance, being a musician, have ZERO expectations out of my drawings.... that means I could draw just for fun, just to enjoy the creative process..... and maybe that's the right mindset we should try to achieve..... of course habits are hard to leave..
    RubberNipples thanked this post.


     
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