Hi, fellow INFPers.
I've been miserable lately, and I've found that it may be correlated to this dreaded preference I have towards TE, ahead of my other Functions.
If we were to relate this to a metaphor of some sort, I'd like to say this grip was brought on by a chain-reaction of sorts: I've had a very stressful year, studying my masters and keeping up with deadlines. I nearly failed this year, due to a very abusive relationship taking hold of a lot of aspects of my life, in the month I had left I had to organize my time to the point of it nearly driving me mad. Breaking up with this individual, and his constant stalking also didn't help. To play catch up, I'd be sitting for up to 12 hours a day drawing, for the entire month, no joke... it made me incredibly miserable. I think personally, this resulted in my using TE a lot more. Now that it's the break, this preferential behavior has stuck around and I still feel extremely miserable.
I've been reading up on the subject online, and found that:
"Being Responsible, pious, and or/organized (TE) will bring me wholeness." For the INFP stuck in this grip, and that fits me to a T.
What I'd like to ask is, how do I snap out of it? How do I utilize the proper use of FI-NE? I read that doing art, or something creative is ideal, but whenever I do art, I always feel TE creeping in. Judging it, and criticizing it unrealistically. Thinking to myself "This piece of art has no logical application to the real world, you idiot. People will see what an idiot you are. What of piece of crap this is, it isn't even symmetrical." I think that utilizing TE, by arranging and micromanaging my life will bring happiness to myself, and I have this desire to do tasks but I procrastinate to avoid the feeling of self-criticism. This sadly leads to even more criticism of myself, for having procrastinated in the first place. Hahaha, I know... that's the dumbest logic out there.
I feel lately, I am also very judgmental and critical of others whom don't fit up to my standards of structure. This... it just isn't me. It honestly isn't, and I don't like it. I just can't seem to snap myself out of it. After being through that difficult time, I don't feel like I'm the same person I was. I feel a lot of cynicism, and I feel jaded towards the world. I had these ideals of romance, and I day-dreamed a lot about it... how great it would be. Then I had a real experience. Now I think that all of that the anticipation I built up for myself, that entire time, was a whole ton of bullshit (probably TE talking again).
Here are some other ways TE manifests itself, in a horrible way when it comes to myself:
> Crippling perfectionism. Any creative endeavor done, has to have some kind of logical application to the real world, I.E: Fantastical dreamscapes, or anything I would think of/imagine would be shot down immediately. My inner-monologue would say: "That's fucking stupid. No wonder no one likes you. You're fucking crazy."
>I've lost a lot of compassion, and open-mindedness towards the world and people. I have a negative view on the world, and the people in it. I have isolated myself in the past few months, being afraid of engaging with people in fear of being criticized. I feel very numb towards socialization, seeing it as a task to get over and done with as quick as possible. (I'm closing myself off to new experiences, which feeds NE)
>I have been heavily critical of others I've engaged with, and how they don't fall-in-line with my own ideals.
>I may be critically heavy on others, but that doesn't hold a candle to how critical I am to myself. Whenever something happens, I direct sharp insults to myself telling me how worthless and how much of a piece of shit I am for procrastinating. Even after all of my achievements, and achieving the highest grade possible... I still feel it isn't enough, and it didn't make me happy.
>I can't see the possibility anything, no matter how hard I try. I know this is the antithesis of a healthy NE. Whenever I do snap into that natural state of day-dreaming, I feel the need to punish myself because of how "Dopey" it is.
>I am also very sensitive to situations, often reading into them too much. Such as social situations, I end up beating myself up again, and expecting better from myself.
If anyone is going through something similar/ has gone through something similar and has any advice. I would be extremely grateful. It would be nice to know I'm not alone, and it certainly would be nice to figure out some way out of this fresh hell I've creative for myself... so that I may appreciate myself for the "Crazy shit" I do.
TDLTR: I'm stuck in a dreaded TE grip, what activities should I engage in to utilize proper use of my FI-NE?