[INFP] I am becoming an adult, and it terrifies me. Advice?

I am becoming an adult, and it terrifies me. Advice?

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This is a discussion on I am becoming an adult, and it terrifies me. Advice? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello, first I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and respond to it, whatever kind ...

  1. #1

    I am becoming an adult, and it terrifies me. Advice?

    Hello, first I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and respond to it, whatever kind of advice I get will truly help me.

    When I was really young, I never imagined myself going into middle school, then once in middle school, I never imagined High School, or graduating for that matter. Reality hit my like a truck, and I am now going into my senior year of High School. I will be turning 18 in 6-7 months. I don't have a drivers license yet, I don't have a family to help me with that, as it's just my dad and I. We are waiting for the trust money to come in (from my moms death several years ago) to buy a car to practice driving for my license. I live in a very bad area where wrecks happen several times a day, all from texting in driving.

    I don't have very many friends anymore. I know a lot of people, and I only consider them acquaintances since we aren't close. My old best friend betrayed me and ghosted me out of the blue. I don't talk to people much, and I don't want to. Most people at my school do drugs, or gossip, etc. And those that don't are at risk of doing that. I also don't feel like wasting my time with people. I just want to focus on learning. Those who I do consider my friends however, I almost consider them family. I don't talk to anyone much, especially since I hate small talk.

    My dad says he feels sorry for me since I don't have friends, and he wishes I would go out more. Which is weird since he never wanted me to go out, I wasn't even allowed in the front yard growing up. (Yes, he was very over protective.)

    Based on this: Is it that bad that I don't really want friends? Is it bad that I don't care for talking to people?

    Now, my next point, I always feel like inferior to everyone. Yes, everyone. People I know, people I don't know. When I walk into a room, I automatically feel like the underdog. I feel as if I am one of the dumbest students in school, even though I'm in the top 25% and carry a 3.8 GPA. I am my own worst enemy. I can't handle criticism, which when I do, I try very hard to convince myself that it's not personal, and there's no need to put myself down. But the thing is, I do it anyways. No amount of self-reassurance makes me feel any better. I feel as if everyone dislikes me. I care too much about what other people think. I care too much about everything. I'm constantly thinking, diving inside my own head, and retreating into my thoughts. Which leads to overthinking, putting myself down, and fearing the future.

    For once I would just like to live my life without obsessing over what people are thinking of me. I do it constantly. I am not even over exaggerating.

    I fear being in control of my life. I grew up with an abusive dad and step mother (Now "Happily" divorced because she cheated) and I was used to being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never why because, "I said so!"

    I am studying for the SAT's the best I can. I want to do good on them, but I get very bad test anxiety and usually have panic attacks. My attention span is awful. I end up reading the information or questions several times, and still not understand it. Eventually once I calm down I understand what it's asking. I'm not sure what I can do about this.

    I am also trying to lose weight. It's very hard since my dad and I cannot afford healthier foods, as they are more expensive. I wish I had a job so I can buy things I need. Especially since it's my senior year and we need to pay for things.

    I don't plan on going to Homecoming, Prom, or my Senior picnic. I don't have friends to go with, and I don't want to since it usually involves socializing, drinking, drugs, etc. My boyfriend (LDR) thinks I should go. I just, really don't want to.

    It makes me sad since I pictured having friends, a car, a family, and a job. I don't have any of these things. I'm trying to get a job in my area that I can walk to, and I've applied for a few, but I haven't heard anything.

    I am nervous for college, since it's so new. I feel like a child still. Once this year is over, I'm just shoved out into the world, and I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Everything feels so new, and there's so much to do. I am beyond terrified.

    For some odd reason, I have contemplated suicide many times. I don't think I would do it, but I have thought about it as a "solution". It just seems easier than dealing with loneliness. (Did I mention I am extremely sensitive? Well, I'm extremely sensitive. Might just be my hormones. Not sure if I can get on birth control or if it will help with that.) Life just seems pointless.

    Any advice would be helpful, thank you. PM's are allowed as well. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.
    Pensive Fine thanked this post.



  2. #2

    I'd say you likely need professional help in the form of counseling.
    Perhaps a dietary and lifestyle change as well.
    If you have trust money coming in it's probably better spent getting good help to sort out your issues then a new car.

    In terms of your progress with regards to others, you're fine.
    Youth has a way of making mountains out of mole hills.

    When you're older nobody gives a shit when you learned how to drive, when you got your first car, what your GPA was, if you went to prom, etc. And if they do care about that: either you're still not old enough or they're losers who are stuck in the past anyway so who gives a shit what they think.

    Anyhow - good luck.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by NT the DC View Post
    I'd say you likely need professional help in the form of counseling.
    Perhaps a dietary and lifestyle change as well.
    If you have trust money coming in it's probably better spent getting good help to sort out your issues then a new car.

    In terms of your progress with regards to others, you're fine.
    Youth has a way of making mountains out of mole hills.

    When you're older nobody gives a shit when you learned how to drive, when you got your first car, what your GPA was, if you went to prom, etc. And if they do care about that: either you're still not old enough or they're losers who are stuck in the past anyway so who gives a shit what they think.

    Anyhow - good luck.
    Perfect. Thank you :)
    NT the DC thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Been through this. As an INFP... adulting for us is hard.
    I didn't get my driver's license until I was 22...also I failed like 2 times before I got it lol.
    I've been through depression <-- the only way out is to embrace who you are.
    Honestly, Just do you! You have to embrace yourself and your individuality.
    You have to look at yourself a different way. You are special, we are special, we look at the world a different way.

    Let me repeat this. DO NOT CONFORM TO SOCIETY. Why be fake? Don't live a fake life, your life will be miserable.
    Use your own intuition and strengths....and learn from your experiences to make you a stronger person.
    when it comes to sensitivity, lower your expectations at society... We are sensitive, but this is
    also a strength.

    What you want to do ...for a career or what you want in life..is something with meaning.

    Infps need meaning, passionate, creativity, purpose, something Not routine ....life will be great and rewarding.
    Also, the only way for us to improve our individuality is to take the leap forward out of our comfort zone,
    it is not easy, but the reward is astonishing.
    Good luck my dear.
    KasKas19 thanked this post.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by WhySoStan View Post
    Been through this. As an INFP... adulting for us is hard.
    I didn't get my driver's license until I was 22...also I failed like 2 times before I got it lol.
    I've been through depression <-- the only way out is to embrace who you are.
    Honestly, Just do you! You have to embrace yourself and your individuality.
    You have to look at yourself a different way. You are special, we are special, we look at the world a different way.

    Let me repeat this. DO NOT CONFORM TO SOCIETY. Why be fake? Don't live a fake life, your life will be miserable.
    Use your own intuition and strengths....and learn from your experiences to make you a stronger person.
    when it comes to sensitivity, lower your expectations at society... We are sensitive, but this is
    also a strength.

    What you want to do ...for a career or what you want in life..is something with meaning.

    Infps need meaning, passionate, creativity, purpose, something Not routine ....life will be great and rewarding.
    Also, the only way for us to improve our individuality is to take the leap forward out of our comfort zone,
    it is not easy, but the reward is astonishing.
    Good luck my dear.
    Ahhh! I am terrified of driving! I hope i don't fail my test :( Have you gotten used to driving and such? I have practiced in a car before and I have a panic attack the entire time and I feel light headed.

    I am wanting to be a Clinical Psychologist. I am very passionate about helping people :) So I suppose that is good enough.
    WhySoStan thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    Ahhh! I am terrified of driving! I hope i don't fail my test :( Have you gotten used to driving and such? I have practiced in a car before and I have a panic attack the entire time and I feel light headed.

    I am wanting to be a Clinical Psychologist. I am very passionate about helping people :) So I suppose that is good enough.
    You'll be fine. I've been driving for well over a year now and I'm pretty comfortable. Just stay focused and dont panic lol. Worst thing is to panic while driving...also don't rush. Go at your own pace.

    Nice, clincial psych is a great field. I'm starting grad school this fall to get my Masters in Biomedical Informatics ---> specializing in clinical informatics. I have a bachelors in Biology. Purpose: Pretty much want to change healthcare.
    ninjahitsawall and KasKas19 thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by WhySoStan View Post
    You'll be fine. I've been driving for well over a year now and I'm pretty comfortable. Just stay focused and dont panic lol. Worst thing is to panic while driving...also don't rush. Go at your own pace.

    Nice, clincial psych is a great field. I'm starting grad school this fall to get my Masters in Biomedical Informatics ---> specializing in clinical informatics. I have a bachelors in Biology. Purpose: Pretty much want to change healthcare.
    That's amazing! I'm so glad to hear :)
    WhySoStan thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    That's amazing! I'm so glad to hear :)
    Thanks, I should also add that it was not easy though. I was depressed for awhile after graduating, even though
    excelled in School. Graduated with a 3.8.... wasn't unsure of life and adulting was difficult.
    Took a lot of time (almost 2 years) to build myself up and seeing things different....
    Really embraced myself as a person, and learned to do things that I want to do ...not because someone told me to do it.

    ^_^ Good luck on your test.
    KasKas19 thanked this post.

  9. #9

    There's nothing wrong with not wanting friends. I'm older and could care less. As people get older, most of them will settle down with a family and reduce the number of people in their personal circle anyway. Popularity doesn't matter once you hit the world as well. No one is going to give a shit if you were 'known for this or known for that' during high school and even uni. Equally, I didn't go to any homecomings or prom. No regrets.

    Whenever you start uni, don't let the 'Get involved!' bullshit get to you either. I fell prey to it during my first two years due to going to a crappy highschool. Yet, I did my own thing during my last two years though. I definitely would have 'found myself' so much quicker if I just kept to myself like how I did for my Masters. You can easily get involved with the wrong people when it comes to most school settings.

    I also didn't get my license until 20.Then had an accident at 22 (with minimal driving experience) and have been car-less since then. If you live/move to a city or a decent suburban area,then it's not a big deal. Most areas have crap like Uber/Lyft as well when neccessary.
    Last edited by NiTech; 07-19-2018 at 01:33 AM.
    ninjahitsawall, KasKas19 and Moo Rice thanked this post.

  10. #10

    My dude, are you me? Like, are you me? I relate so much to this.
    (Minus the abuse parts, I'm sorry to hear that)

    In all seriousness though from what you're saying it really sounds like counselling could do you a whole lot of good. As a therapist would explain it, in a situation like yours you've gotten yourself locked up in a bunch of 'cognitive distortions' that affect the way you view yourself and how you feel in any given situation. It basically means you've mangled up your perception of yourself and through something called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy a therapist can untangle it and help you see things in a new light, and see things for how they really are rather than the catastrophised view you've worked yourself into, and it does wonders for your happiness. I had an intro session with a therapist for very very similar reasons to you (I'd be in therapy now if I had the $$$) and I left it feeling so relieved, like I'd finally found the solution I was looking for (or would do once I had the $$$). I'd really really recommend it, at least go for an intro session with a good therapist and see what you think.

    You don't need to change, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just need a change of perspective. Ignore the people telling you that the way you live your life is wrong too, I get the exact same thing from my stepdad, live however makes you happy. Some people are just so set in their own ways that they can't possibly see how anyone living differently to them could possibly be happy, so they see you living in a way that would depress them, assume you're unhappy with it and try to 'help' you get your life on track. They mean well, but they don't realise what it actually does to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    I don't have very many friends anymore...
    ...
    ...Based on this: Is it that bad that I don't really want friends? Is it bad that I don't care for talking to people?)[/I]
    There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting many friends, I know it's hard not to look at yourself doing this and think it's weird, because no-one else around you seems to be the same way, but that's only because the people thinking that way are hiding away in the background or at home because they want to be left alone too I'm very much the same, having too many friends feels like it distracts me from the things I actually want to do. I used to hate that about myself but I've come to realise that it's just the way I am. Our emotional attachments come from the things we value, rather than the people around us. I think the attachment people like us have to the things we love is worthy of envy from people that don't experience it, because it's so intense it's surreal. Sure we'll never be able to experience the social lives other people have, but they'll never have what we have, and imagining a life without it almost tears me up inside. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

    Plus it's much better to have a small handful of friends that you have a close connection with than a large circle of buddies that mean little to you. Or even no friends at all if that's what makes you happy, but if the worry is that you won't be able to make friends the way you currently are and will have to change to make them then that isn't true at all. I edited that last bit in after posting the reply but I've gone more into this below.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    Now, my next point, I always feel like inferior to everyone...
    ...
    ...For once I would just like to live my life without obsessing over what people are thinking of me. I do it constantly. I am not even over exaggerating.
    I relate every single word in this paragraph too, so it might be hypocritical of me to give advice, but this seems to come from a combination of a ruined self-image from how we're treated by the people around us, which is clichéd but true, but what never seems to be mentioned is that we also have an intense kind of perfectionism that we only aim at ourselves. The tiniest niggling flaw in ourselves becomes the only thing we can possible focus on when looking at ourselves, even though we never hold this same standard of other people. The tiniest social embarrassment becomes proof that we're a failure. But it's not. You have to remember that you're the only person who looks at you in this light. You see yourself from the inside out, and everyone else sees you from the outside in. The inside is where your dark sides and insecurities and parts of yourself that you try to hide are, and since your inner world is where you spend your time you spend all your time soaking this in until it destroys your self-perception and makes you feel like a broken person. Everyone has that same darkness in them, the only reason other people don't seem as bothered with it is because most people don't spend as much time in their inner worlds as people like us do, so they don't soak all this up. They don't see themselves as inferior because they don't compare themselves to everyone else to the same degree. It's them cognitive distortions, yo. Good practice I find is to remember this: When you look at everyone else, you just see people walking around doing people things, guys and girls being guys and girls, normal normal people. This is exactly how people feel when they look at you, they've got too many of their own securities to work through to worry about yours. If anyone tries to put you down that's only because it's the only way they know of combating their own insecurities. By pushing other people to a level below them, they push themselves higher and feel better about themselves. That's not you, that's them.

    Also worth mentioning is things are very different after school in this regard. This is one part about becoming an adult you can look forward to, people in school are immature as balls and the only thing on their minds is fitting in socially, which means not being associated with anyone that doesn't fit in to protect their own public image, which is what leads to the exclusion you might be experiencing. But once school finishes and people go out into the adult world this all changes completely. The social climate in the adult environment is so different to the teenager environment. It's alike in a lot of ways, sure, and there are still bullies and arrogant assholes, but teenage life seems to have a way of turning everyone into one of those, and they shed it when they leave because it isn't needed anymore. The bullies become the pariahs rather than the norm, and no-one likes associating with them. I've bumped into a few of the people that bullied me in school and they're so different now it's crazy, and now that they don't have the social pressures they're so much more willing to get along and talk to me. I've actually had some nice chats with them and it was all smiles, it felt really great, like some kind of closure. I hope you can experience that too, it's a really nice feeling.


    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    I fear being in control of my life. I grew up with an abusive dad and step mother (Now "Happily" divorced because she cheated) and I was used to being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never why because, "I said so!"
    This one I'm not sure how to give advice on... I also hate being in control, I feel like when I'm in charge of anything I'm going to run it into the ground and my life is no different. Depending on what happens to you from here you may find that you become very good at being independent, and it may even become something you enjoy doing, but if not then there's no harm in finding someone else to find support in if you can. I find that in relationships independent and dependent people together seem to make the best couples, so you may find in your future you'll have a nice partner who can take care of you and leaves you free to put your mind to whatever you want to do. It's hard to predict these kinds of things, but you tend to become a lot more confident in general after school, I can tell you that from experience, so hopefully you'll get a sense of independence come along with it. But don't let yourself be taken in by a domineering or narcissistic partner just because you're able to rely on them, you'll never be happy if you go down that route. It's a route a lot of dependent people take when they're scared of independence, so just keep in your head to stay away from those people and you'll be fine.
    (Coming back to this paragraph after reading another later paragraph again: Since you already have a boyfriend, if the two of you end up in a long term relationship, maybe he'd be okay with that kind of arrangement? What you need is someone who's happy to take care of you, and if your boyfriend is like that then you're good to go. That is only if you don't develop independency, learning to rely on yourself a healthy amount is still something that's good to have for your own good. But if not then it's not the end of the world, there are people with full-blown dependency disorder that thrive.)


    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    I am studying for the SAT's the best I can. I want to do good on them, but I get very bad test anxiety and usually have panic attacks. My attention span is awful. I end up reading the information or questions several times, and still not understand it. Eventually once I calm down I understand what it's asking. I'm not sure what I can do about this.
    Oh my god, the attention span. ME. I've thought for years that I have ADD. Do you find it really hard to pay attention in class as your mind keeps wandering even when you're trying really hard to focus? My GOD. If you're like me in this regard then use me as an anecdote, I did fine in my exams, don't worry. In fact I didn't even do half my English paper because it wanted me to write a story and I couldn't do it under the pressure I was under and I still came out with a B overall, so the exams are bigged up to be way harder than they actually are. Not an outstandingly amazing grade but it's decent. Don't worry too much. You may find that you're pleasantly surprised how things turn out.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    I don't plan on going to Homecoming, Prom, or my Senior picnic. I don't have friends to go with, and I don't want to since it usually involves socializing, drinking, drugs, etc. My boyfriend (LDR) thinks I should go. I just, really don't want to.
    Nothing wrong with that. I didn't go to my prom and I never regretted it. Couldn't stand the vast majority of the people that were going to be there. Stay home and watch YouTube videos.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    It makes me sad since I pictured having friends, a car, a family, and a job. I don't have any of these things. I'm trying to get a job in my area that I can walk to, and I've applied for a few, but I haven't heard anything.
    That all comes later, don't worry at all. People in young adult life are much easier to get along with and you'll find that because of how genuine you are to yourself and how well you treat the people around you people will be drawn to you in a way they weren't before. You'll be liked enough that you'll have friends if you want them, and in the background enough that they don't come in overwhelming numbers and the social vampires don't notice you. It's the best of both worlds really. I'm 23 and I still don't have a car or a family but I'm doing fine. Working on the car. I don't want kids. Blech. You'll hear back from your job applications soon too, employers are really keen to get school leavers because in their eyes you're fresh and have lots of potential. It'll just take a little while, you'll get there.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    I am nervous for college, since it's so new. I feel like a child still. Once this year is over, I'm just shoved out into the world, and I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Everything feels so new, and there's so much to do. I am beyond terrified.
    It's natural to be afraid of the unknown. Speaking under the assumption that US college is the same as UK university it's actually really chilled out and hard studies aside is a pretty easy time in your life. At least from what I've heard, I never went to uni. But it seems to be like school but much much more relaxed, only the studies themselves are more intense but you'll adapt to it. That's the keyword here: Adaptation. The world is an intimidating place and the future is uncertain and uncertainty is terrifying because things could go wrong, I'd bet that in your head it will go wrong because you haven't done anything like it before, but you adapt. Never ever underestimate your ability to adapt, everyone always does and they shock themselves with how much they're actually capable of getting used to. No-one is the ideal worker or independent adult when they first step out of school, instead adult life forms them into one. Upon hearing that I know it sounds like you'll lose a part of yourself in doing so but you don't, it's hard to explain, but you just sort of become a much more competent "you". You're a product of your environment after all. When you actually step out into the adult world it's so much less scary than you build yourself up to thinking that it's even a little disappointing. Also with the number of things you have to do, you can take them all at your own pace. I've nearly done all the things I have to do as an adult now (nearly because I'm lazy and have zero initiative, I should have done it years ago) and it really wasn't as much as I expected. It's all disappointingly simple. You'll see. The reality never ever matches the expectation. You'll have plenty of time to yourself if you allow yourself to as well, things don't have to be overbearing if you don't want them to. Choose your work around the way you want to live rather than moulding the way you live around your work, people will tell you it's wrong just as they've told you not having enough friends is wrong but if you value your happiness over your success then nothing will make you feel more content. Lots of time to chill out and do nice things.

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    For some odd reason, I have contemplated suicide many times. I don't think I would do it, but I have thought about it as a "solution". It just seems easier than dealing with loneliness. (Did I mention I am extremely sensitive? Well, I'm extremely sensitive. Might just be my hormones. Not sure if I can get on birth control or if it will help with that.) Life just seems pointless.
    Sounds like you're going through some pretty hefty emotional distress. This is another thing that it's really best to talk over with a therapist if you can. But on the loneliness front give it a chance to change, you'll be shocked how much some things can change for the better in adult life. Like I said above, peoples' mentality changes so so so much when you first leave school, now that the highschool social climate is gone people will be much more willing to see you as a fellow person rather than the quiet kid in the corner that doesn't fit in and they really will be drawn to you. I know it sounds like I'm making assumptions that could easily be completely untrue but believe me, you'll see. You just need to give it a little more time. Take things at your own pace, make the choices in life that you know will make you happy, don't compromise yourself. That's the best advice I can give.

    Adulting is dumb but it really isn't as intimidating as it's made out to be. You will miss the old days when you were able to sit around doing whatever you wanted without real consequences, but you'll adapt. Everything just becomes second nature. Like you said yourself, middle school seemed like a completely different world, and then so did high school, and look at how mundane those ended up. Adult life is no different. It's scary because it's unknown, but it becomes known once you step into it. And so boring.

    EDIT: Oh crap, totally forgot to mention, going back to this:

    Quote Originally Posted by KasKas19 View Post
    Did I mention I am extremely sensitive? Well, I'm extremely sensitive.
    Are you familiar with HSP/the Highly Sensitive Person? If not look it up, I'd say you probably are one. There's a fair bit of info out about it and it explains a huge number of things about you.
    Last edited by Pizzafari; 07-19-2018 at 11:17 AM.
    KasKas19 thanked this post.


     
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