Hello, first I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and respond to it, whatever kind of advice I get will truly help me.
When I was really young, I never imagined myself going into middle school, then once in middle school, I never imagined High School, or graduating for that matter. Reality hit my like a truck, and I am now going into my senior year of High School. I will be turning 18 in 6-7 months. I don't have a drivers license yet, I don't have a family to help me with that, as it's just my dad and I. We are waiting for the trust money to come in (from my moms death several years ago) to buy a car to practice driving for my license. I live in a very bad area where wrecks happen several times a day, all from texting in driving.
I don't have very many friends anymore. I know a lot of people, and I only consider them acquaintances since we aren't close. My old best friend betrayed me and ghosted me out of the blue. I don't talk to people much, and I don't want to. Most people at my school do drugs, or gossip, etc. And those that don't are at risk of doing that. I also don't feel like wasting my time with people. I just want to focus on learning. Those who I do consider my friends however, I almost consider them family. I don't talk to anyone much, especially since I hate small talk.
My dad says he feels sorry for me since I don't have friends, and he wishes I would go out more. Which is weird since he never wanted me to go out, I wasn't even allowed in the front yard growing up. (Yes, he was very over protective.)
Based on this: Is it that bad that I don't really want friends? Is it bad that I don't care for talking to people?
Now, my next point, I always feel like inferior to everyone. Yes, everyone. People I know, people I don't know. When I walk into a room, I automatically feel like the underdog. I feel as if I am one of the dumbest students in school, even though I'm in the top 25% and carry a 3.8 GPA. I am my own worst enemy. I can't handle criticism, which when I do, I try very hard to convince myself that it's not personal, and there's no need to put myself down. But the thing is, I do it anyways. No amount of self-reassurance makes me feel any better. I feel as if everyone dislikes me. I care too much about what other people think. I care too much about everything. I'm constantly thinking, diving inside my own head, and retreating into my thoughts. Which leads to overthinking, putting myself down, and fearing the future.
For once I would just like to live my life without obsessing over what people are thinking of me. I do it constantly. I am not even over exaggerating.
I fear being in control of my life. I grew up with an abusive dad and step mother (Now "Happily" divorced because she cheated) and I was used to being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and never why because, "I said so!"
I am studying for the SAT's the best I can. I want to do good on them, but I get very bad test anxiety and usually have panic attacks. My attention span is awful. I end up reading the information or questions several times, and still not understand it. Eventually once I calm down I understand what it's asking. I'm not sure what I can do about this.
I am also trying to lose weight. It's very hard since my dad and I cannot afford healthier foods, as they are more expensive. I wish I had a job so I can buy things I need. Especially since it's my senior year and we need to pay for things.
I don't plan on going to Homecoming, Prom, or my Senior picnic. I don't have friends to go with, and I don't want to since it usually involves socializing, drinking, drugs, etc. My boyfriend (LDR) thinks I should go. I just, really don't want to.
It makes me sad since I pictured having friends, a car, a family, and a job. I don't have any of these things. I'm trying to get a job in my area that I can walk to, and I've applied for a few, but I haven't heard anything.
I am nervous for college, since it's so new. I feel like a child still. Once this year is over, I'm just shoved out into the world, and I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Everything feels so new, and there's so much to do. I am beyond terrified.
For some odd reason, I have contemplated suicide many times. I don't think I would do it, but I have thought about it as a "solution". It just seems easier than dealing with loneliness. (Did I mention I am extremely sensitive? Well, I'm extremely sensitive. Might just be my hormones. Not sure if I can get on birth control or if it will help with that.) Life just seems pointless.
Any advice would be helpful, thank you. PM's are allowed as well. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.