[INFP] What issues/problems are ok to bring into a relationship, and which ones are not?

What issues/problems are ok to bring into a relationship, and which ones are not?

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This is a discussion on What issues/problems are ok to bring into a relationship, and which ones are not? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I come to believe the notion that there are certain personal issues/problems that must be handled before going into a ...

  1. #1

    What issues/problems are ok to bring into a relationship, and which ones are not?

    I come to believe the notion that there are certain personal issues/problems that must be handled before going into a relationship, and there are some that are manageable enough to bring into one. What is your opinion on the matter? Are there some personal issues/problems that you experienced/have that prevented you from entering the relationship you wanted or securing a relationship with somebody you wanted? If so, what were they?



  2. #2

    If a partner wants to help with a problem, they are welcome to. but I wouldn't ask for it. Relationship is two people standing on their own feet, coming together, not leaning on each other.

    Anyone can, and certainly does bring their problems into a relationship. It just won't be with me, that's not my responsibility. I help out of my own desire, not an obligation.

    And as for relationship barriers, if I find someone I like, I slowly increase intensity over time. Most people get overwhelmed by me pretty early, especially with the oversharing/discussing.

  3. #3

    If anyone is a reflective type is an INFP. However, the idealization of any situations including relationships could prevent an INFP to introspect. An INFP could idealize a situation (e.g., specific career) before he/she actually experiences the reality of it - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Introspection can help an INFP who is actively seeking a relationship - he or she knows what they can or cannot handle. For example, an INFP has a chronic health issue, but an INFP needs to realize that he or she cannot always expect that the significant other will still be understanding and forgiving when an INFP is not able to show up on a date. They have their needs as well. If one cannot commit fully because of whatever reason, it is not fair to bring problems into a relationship.

    That being said, in an already established, stable relationship, the other party might be more forgiving and understanding and even helping an INFP overcome obstacles. Of course, INFPs also have to have a lot of understanding for other people problems. It has to be mutual. Bear in mind, that some INFPs (contradictory to a widespread belief that they are whiners and complainers) will not always disclose what is bothering them. Such tendencies could lead that anger, frustration, and misunderstanding of a situation accumulate to a breaking point.
    Consequently, know thy self but also get to know and know well the person you are dating to feel confident to share. People of various types have cognitive biases due to not necessarily their type but because of inability to see multiple sides of a story, established cognitive schemas through conditioning (parental, environment, cultural), and unwillingness and inability to deal with other peoples' issues. I often think that an INFP is an unrecognized, silent warrior. People do not see that due to an introverted emotional side of INFP - induced by Fi.

    Personally, I would not even attempt a relationship if I am overly stressed by a job, have a family member that has significant health issue and might soon die, and dealing with significant financial problems.

    A strong, loving reltionship can resist many challenges, and it is often recommened to share issues because it helps one bond to grow and create psychological intimacy which is the key to a longlasting relationship. However, not all people want to deal with their partners' crap. One of the reasons is that they do not want what they percieve as negativity in their life, another is that they are seeking "an easy" relationship not realizing that such ones do not exhist. They might give up too soon.
    Last edited by Ode to Trees; 09-28-2018 at 09:09 AM.
    Morpheus83 thanked this post.

  4. #4

    The question is how well your respective wounds match up and how much you can forgive. If you are both missing an arm but one has a left arm and the other a right arm, metaphorically speaking, you'll probably do better than if you are both missing a right arm.

    And you will marry the wrong person.

    Last edited by Marvin the Dendroid; 09-28-2018 at 01:36 PM.

  5. #5

    I wonít discuss the sorts of problems that I brought into relationships. But in broad terms, if you have a problem of self, you should try to fix it. Bad with money, drug problem, that sort of thing.

    If you have a problem with relationships, you only fix that in a relationship.

    I did all sorts of self-help type stuff that didnít work and then I just sort of threw myself with reckless abandon into a relationship, willed myself to not do the things that Iíd done to sabotage things before, and went with it.

    Itís incredibly healing. Itís hard and you have to be brutally honest with yourself. ďI do this thing and itís ridiculous and never gets me what I want so I just wonít do it.Ē

  6. #6
    Unknown Personality


    I think a difficult thing is that some people aren't aware of the psychological baggage they're carrying--it can all be unconscious while being manifested in something like trust issues that seem to come to a head in a seemingly 'ordinary' disagreement or situation.

    And another thing is that people can encounter hardships that affect one's thinking and emotional state *during* a relationship. A 'great' or 'perfect' person who seems to have 'everything' together as a single can fall apart in a relationship if something unforeseen or tragic happens. Sure--people might say that the 'negativity' should still be 'kept out', but there's always a chance of miscommunication and misunderstanding if all parties aren't encouraged to talk about their issues while offering mutual support. It's not as though people remain 'perfect' or 'great' once they 'fix' themselves as singles before getting into a relationship.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Morpheus83 View Post
    I think a difficult thing is that some people aren't aware of the psychological baggage they're carrying--it can all be unconscious while being manifested in something like trust issues that seem to come to a head in a seemingly 'ordinary' disagreement or situation.

    And another thing is that people can encounter hardships that affect one's thinking and emotional state *during* a relationship. A 'great' or 'perfect' person who seems to have 'everything' together as a single can fall apart in a relationship if something unforeseen or tragic happens. Sure--people might say that the 'negativity' should still be 'kept out', but there's always a chance of miscommunication and misunderstanding if all parties aren't encouraged to talk about their issues while offering mutual support. It's not as though people remain 'perfect' or 'great' once they 'fix' themselves as singles before getting into a relationship.
    Epithets like "great" and "perfect" make me highly suspicious, all they usually mean is that the person in question is brilliant at displaying an attractive facade behind which they hide all sorts of crap. I prefer to know the flavour of excrement I'll be dealing with, makes it easier to figure out how your own manure will mix.
    Morpheus83 thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Going off on a tangent again, which appears to be a speciality of mine...My best friend says talking to me is the verbal equivalent of taking a trip to China and back...

    Any way, many people appear to want what they can't reciprocate...You want a partner who is perfect. Yet you are still human...That's not how it works..It is extremely selfish and unfair to expect unconditional love and acceptance of all of YOUR flaws from your partner when you yourselves cannot do the same...Looking directly at you INFPs, a fair portion of you are guilty of this, then you wonder why you're alone...

    If you truly want that unconditional love you've been craving, you have to be willing to give it...Which means compromise and sacrifice. Most people cannot and will not, because they think about their own needs above all else...They will only be with their partner as long as they "feel good"...When that stops happening and real life intrudes, suddenly they're not interested...

    You INFPs in particular are guilty of putting this unrealistic notion of what loves about out into the world in the first place and then have the audicity to brag about it! People are getting hurt because they're buying into it, then when reality fails to live up to these sky high expectations that YOU keep inflicting on the rest of us it's spiraling some individuals into depression or worse...

    It may sound like I'm picking on you guys again, but sometimes you INFPs are like bulls in a china shop..You put ideas into the world that while admirable are doing more harm then good, and you don't even stop to consider how filling people's heads with false hope and unrealistic dreams can actually being a lot more damaging in the long run...

    Relationships are about commitment, communication, sacrifice and compromise, not "as long as it feels good then I'll commit"..

  9. #9
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Marvin the Dendroid View Post
    Epithets like "great" and "perfect" make me highly suspicious, all they usually mean is that the person in question is brilliant at displaying an attractive facade behind which they hide all sorts of crap. I prefer to know the flavour of excrement I'll be dealing with, makes it easier to figure out how your own manure will mix.
    True. I think a common misconception is that ‘issues’ are always and necessarily one-off: you fix them, then that’s it. After you ‘fix’ the issues, then you’re ‘hot shit’ who’s a ‘good catch’. That’s not how it works. Self-development is an ongoing process. Sometimes people relapse into bad habits, although that doesn’t condone persistent bad behaviours. It’s all about effort and communication to find new and/or better coping strategies for your own sake as well as others. Some people think they need to have ‘everything’ together before getting into a relationship. That’s not true. What matters more is honesty, respect, open communication and perseverance—a willingness to genuinely commit to these values. People can seem to have ‘everything’ together while merely paying lacking lip service to what they think is important. And when a different challenge arises in a relationship, these people quickly bail out.
    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.

  10. #10
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by WhatIsYourConfirmationBias View Post
    Going off on a tangent again, which appears to be a speciality of mine...My best friend says talking to me is the verbal equivalent of taking a trip to China and back...

    Any way, many people appear to want what they can't reciprocate...You want a partner who is perfect. Yet you are still human...That's not how it works..It is extremely selfish and unfair to expect unconditional love and acceptance of all of YOUR flaws from your partner when you yourselves cannot do the same...Looking directly at you INFPs, a fair portion of you are guilty of this, then you wonder why you're alone...

    If you truly want that unconditional love you've been craving, you have to be willing to give it...Which means compromise and sacrifice. Most people cannot and will not, because they think about their own needs above all else...They will only be with their partner as long as they "feel good"...When that stops happening and real life intrudes, suddenly they're not interested...

    You INFPs in particular are guilty of putting this unrealistic notion of what loves about out into the world in the first place and then have the audicity to brag about it! People are getting hurt because they're buying into it, then when reality fails to live up to these sky high expectations that YOU keep inflicting on the rest of us it's spiraling some individuals into depression or worse...

    It may sound like I'm picking on you guys again, but sometimes you INFPs are like bulls in a china shop..You put ideas into the world that while admirable are doing more harm then good, and you don't even stop to consider how filling people's heads with false hope and unrealistic dreams can actually being a lot more damaging in the long run...

    Relationships are about commitment, communication, sacrifice and compromise, not "as long as it feels good then I'll commit"..
    This reminds me of my experience with someone who felt it was his place to ask for ‘unconditional friendships/acceptance’, but he ended up coming across as selfish, manipulative and dishonest. He was never honest about his priorities—only after the fact. After being confronted, he always had a different excuse or explanation after the fact for his deception, and he came up with other things then and there just to blame me. I was always expected to justify and/or prove things to him, although merely his own half-assed word for it should be considered ‘good enough’. He always felt entitled to the endless benefit of the doubt as well as ‘unconditional acceptance’, but he thought it was okay to ditch me just because he didn’t feel like explaining anything. And he got up on his high horse about ‘ethics’ while engaging in double standards. He’s the kind of person who cares about ‘ethics’ only when he feels personally affected. And he sees himself as the ‘victim of circumstances’ to excuse his dishonesty and bad behaviours.


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