This is a discussion on Processing - Any Way To Speed This Up? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Zephyrein The INFPs that I know usually takes 2days or more to process emotional stuff, so i ...
I don't want to *rush* her, I just wish we could work together to reduce the processing time since it's so significant. I mean, as I alluded to on my post above, she more or less shuts down into a "sleep mode" for her two processing days. She does make an effort to get in touch via text 1-2 times per day but that's it. Since processing for her has patterned to days even (usually Sun-Mon) it also knocks out a weekend day for us to hang out.
Plus I'm not sure how healthy it is? She mentions this processing leads to fatigue, aching muscles, upset stomach, and other minor stress-induced issues like that.
We do have a great relationship the other days of the week when we actually talk or hang out. The chemistry is great, romantic, fun, and deep. But I'm losing her 30% of the week right now in a time where as an ENFP I'm very excited and desperate to know her more.
Not to naysay anyone, But one can increase emotional processing speed or choose to process it socially (not that accomplishing that is easy, nor can someone do much to get someone else to do that). and I would expect a good relationship to end up processing together. however it may be in early relationships when she described her unformed emotions the partner was triggered by it making her think it was unsafe... this can being more cautious in future relationships. But the idea that someone would "always" have to retreat 3-4 days is limiting and useless in my eyes. However I would agree with others not to be critical, try to fix, or try to force her to "grow".
Thanks :)That's a bummer for a new relationship where it makes sense that both parties can't get enough of each other but instead you have to deal with her wanting her own time away from you, especially during weekends.Since processing for her has patterned to days even (usually Sun-Mon) it also knocks out a weekend day for us to hang out.From the sounds of it, it's probably not good. Perhaps there are other issues causing her stress on top of the new relationship. Someone mentioned that you should let her know how you feel but be careful not to make it seem like you're pushing her. I know you're not, but if my partner says that to me, despite the clear rationality behind such communication I can't help but take it personally initially. But letting her know you're concerned about her health is a good way to go. Or just suggest relaxing activities to do so long as you make it clear you're not going to try and get her to talk if she doesn't want to. Sometimes I just want to tell someone how awful I feel but not have them fix it, though I recognize the double standard of me wanting and trying to fix someone else's problem the moment they confide in me.Plus I'm not sure how healthy it is? She mentions this processing leads to fatigue, aching muscles, upset stomach, and other minor stress-induced issues like that.
I'd appreciate it if a partner tries to reach out and would feel loved that someone wants to share my burden but there'll be many reasons why I won't take up the offer of help. The first refers again to these issues of trust mentioned earlier, the second points to the notion of "being a burden to someone else," and the third is that I really need to work things out on my own to a certain level before I can allow someone to "help" me. Things need to feel clear in some way (an action to take, the clarity of one emotion out of many) before I open up my space. She might be going through one or all or none of these perspectives—can't speak for her. Still, the awareness that my partner is concerned would sink in sooner or later and I'd try to break the isolating habit in a bid to improve the relationship. And so I'd say things will probably change, maybe when she sees that it's causing you a good amount of stress. You both talked through that shirt incident, and the journal thing too, right? You gotta hang in there (once more). Imho, your patience is being pushed to its limits and you're still trying. That says so much about how stable and secure you aim to be for her. She must see that? I apologize if I've assumed any contexts or perspectives.
Without being in her shoes you are never really going to understand and that is something you can't change as you should be more supportive rather than wanting there to be a change.
1) short of a lobotomy you can't
2) What are the issues that drain her? (stressful job or home environment, her parents, illness in the family, her kids, her own illness, depression etc.)
3) Her body's reactions to stress are not minor in my book. She is dealing with something.
4) Do you feel that you guys have established a trustful relationship? How much do you trust each other? She has to deal with the baggage of her previous relationships. Some of the things that you guys do can be triggering to her. She might even test you.
I think that she would appreciate your patience. If she wants to share let her. Do not make her share. She might shut down even more. INFPs in a bad mood sometimes rebel against assistance. They do not be like to be showered by advice. Personally, I share when I am ready, but I appreciate listening not interrupting and fixing.
5) What would you do if this was a long distance relationship? What would happen if you were a husband and a wife and one of you is in the Army? How would that work if you call each other every 7 days? Would that be 52 days per year relationship?
Too high expectations could kill a relationship. Adjust to each other's personalities.
One thing I'd like to add, is that the enfp I met was the first guy to ever give me space without a problem. I can't fully put into words how beyond attractive this is.
It's not just because he didn't sound desperate, but also that he never condemned or tethered me for withdrawing. I'm used to niceguys who kept (angrily) bugging me/blaming me for not texting them back for a couple hours/getting overly dramatic over a single thing I said and thinking I was in love with them, ect. I'm used to: "You led me on, how dare you not text me back, we knew each other for 2 weeks that's plenty enough time!" (and much worse than this)
Enfp, however, was the complete opposite, and it makes sense as he is very self aware, open minded, and amazing at understanding emotions. I was (still am) beyond impressed. In the past I've heard of communication being stellar among these types, but I didn't know it would be this good. I simply haven't experienced anything like it.
So, I am writing this to emphasize how important it is that you give her space and time to get to know you, and that very well may take years. Which I personally don't think is very long (yes I am bias to an extent because my sense of time is horrendous but, still) I really don't understand people who hook up within weeks or months, that's just not me at all. But I also strongly believe that it takes years to truly understand the core of an adult.
When I receive emotional texts, it does often (not always) take me a couple days to come up with the full 100% response. Of course we'll talk about different things in the meantime as usual, but the main course might be on the backburner until maybe the next day.
Secret: There's kinda a delay in the kitchen okay...before I put my response in the oven...I fangirl and fantasize over the emotional text first. The more charming and doveylicious, the longer the delay takes. I sorry. And now I shall put this in spoilers, since I don't underestimate enfp's randomly finding stuff skills. *-*
I have learned to try to go faster, especially if enfp needs comfort in real time. See, the problem is that I struggle living in the moment. In fact, I can only barely comprehend what that feels like. But that's one of the things I love about an infp x enfp combo.I'm bias but I don't agree with the people who say there are too many similarities between the two. I thoroughly disagree. I agree as far as P is concerned, but everything else? Only the good things...like communication...he helps me to be more open to change, to put myself out there, ect. Many positive differences.
Enfp helps me to learn how to live in the moment and take risks, and he told me I help to ground him (and that I am his Jiminy Cricket, which is super flattering).
Anyway, one thing I don't know is how often you guys converse over emotional subjects. If you want some responses now (which is understandable, enfps get lonely and need some lovins), maybe switch it to something unrelated, like talk about a meal you had or I dunno some random awesome theory about cats you came up with, just anything like that.
Well...like here you are bending over backwards, does she show up for you emotionally? Is she present for you? Have you told her you feel lonely and rejected during this time? If she doesn’t care about that enough to change, I’d be warned. People are on their best behavior while dating and I think we are highly mistaken that anything can be healed with love. I think this is a world without a perfect climate and people can thrive in horrible conditions or not thrive in the best of conditions, depending on the person. What’s going to happen when the going gets tough in life with this one?
Supposedly we seek for relationships that remind us of the kind of “crazy” that was in our families growing up. Maybe your kind of love and sunshine isn’t even computing for her. I think that’s often the case when dealing with 9s who in my opinion aren’t motivated by happiness. I’m unsure what motivates 4s, but anyway it’s better to look at these things now.
Last edited by Llyralen; 11-27-2018 at 08:33 AM.
You really sound insensitive.
Oh and there’s many fast processors, you can buy them online.