[INFP] How can INFPs feel less and develop Extraverted Thinking more?

How can INFPs feel less and develop Extraverted Thinking more?

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This is a discussion on How can INFPs feel less and develop Extraverted Thinking more? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello everyone :) i'm an INFP female and since I first read about the MBTI, I could develop myself a ...

  1. #1
    INFP

    How can INFPs feel less and develop Extraverted Thinking more?

    Hello everyone :)

    i'm an INFP female and since I first read about the MBTI, I could develop myself a lot for the better.
    But there is something I never managed to deal with:
    I know that as an INFP, the primary function is "Introverted Feeling" and everything we do and think is basically influenced by that. Of course, as probably many INFPs, I have a hard time making plans and getting some structure in my life. I know that Extraverted Thinking (our inferior function) can help with that.
    And as I have many people around me with Te as primary function (for example my long distance boyfriend or my dad), I know how easy it is for them to just take action and do things, without overthinking them and getting lost in their thoughts and feelings.
    Every time when I try to use Extraverted Thinking a little bit more, I get anxious and completely stressed out in some way, because I fear to miss out something important or to neglect my gut feeling. I just feel a lot more comfortable being in my head, but as I am now at a point in my life where I need to move out of home and get a job, etc., I know it would be good and helpful to feel more at ease with planing and structure.

    I would be really grateful if you can share some advice or experience about how to develop Extraverted Thinking more (without feeling stressed out and inauthentic).

    Thank you very much in advance, I appreciate your help! :)

    Best regards :)

    (English is not my native language, please be gentle with me about any mistakes :))



  2. #2

    Your straight forward question is quite hard to answer. Your introverted feeling preference is very very valuable and theoretically speaking, you need to discover that value before you move on to develop your inferior functions. A lot of TJ in the world makes the world extremely mechanical. Always remember that you bring a kind of emotional life to wherever you go. A new place might seem cripplingly strange, but with time the feeling of familiarity will emerge. It is hard for me as well right now. I joined a gym last week and it is a struggle to overcome he feeling of embarrassment every evening before I move towards the gym. The rewards will be awesome. One thing that infps cherish a lot is freedom and moving out of your home will bring you personal freedom along with personal growth. You can look at it as an adventure if it suits you. Donít stress too much about developing Te. In fact, be aware not to develop it too much. Pay attention to Si - habit. The physical comfort to follow a new routine. It wonít establish in a day. Infps are known to take longer to adjust to new situations. Once we do, we bring a human quality to our effort and presence that is quite valuable in itself. Be aware of your awkwardness, donít try too hard, do the bare minimum and once you accomplish this much, you will know what to do next.

    The gist of the message is, take it easy, on the work, on the feelings. Let things be as they are. Start going out. Donít wait till you Ďfeel like ití. Do what you are supposed to. Feelings will follow.

    I wish you good luck. If you donít mind me asking, what is it that you are going to do?

  3. #3
    INFP

    To use Te without feeling stressed, in my experience you have to inform your Si. Meaning, if you have a goal or something you want to accomplish, like moving out and finding a job. Look up as much information of how people in the past found an apartment, look up methods they used to find good apartments and how they started the move out process. Also look up many wants that have worked in the past for people that have found jobs, how they found the job, aced the interview, what interviewers look for. All that will greatly reduce stress because you can see how this works and how to apply those tried and true methods yourself to get what you want. It reduces stress also because you are not trusting your unexperienced abilities, you are trusting things that have worked countlessly for others. Stand on the shoulders of giants. You wouldn't trust yourself to change out the starter in your car, but if you had to you would be stressed out to do it. But if you watch a step by step youtube video on how to do it, you would be able to do it yourself with much less stress.

    As far as being stuck in your head and feelings, this is a little more painful. It's not as much about using Te as it is more about dialing down your Fi, making some Fi compromises so that you can consider objective facts as important. The more you prioritize the subjective the more you lose sight of the objective. For example, if you are looking for a job, let's say part time, your Fi is like "Here's what I like and the kind of job that I want." Your Te is like " I need a job to pay the bills." Your Fi will have to compromise on getting the exact job it wants in favor of the objective reality that you simply need any job willing to pay you for the moment because you have bills to pay. It will really hurt your Fi to compromise on something you feel so strongly about, but your Te knows what needs to be done, it just can't seem to get through to you because the Fi is so dominant. So compromise on the Fi just a little to see things more clearly.

    TLDR:

    To use Te without stress, whatever you are trying to do, watch/read step by step info on it, it will reduce stress greatly.

    To use Te without being stuck in feelings, compromise on feelings a little bit so Te can become a priority.
    Last edited by L P; 03-02-2019 at 12:58 PM.
    neutralchaotic, Blue Flower, Monadnock and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4

    You have to let go of perfectionism. Learn by doing and then analyze what went wrong and create procedures to make things smoother the next time around. I think also using Ni and trying to predict easy to predict problems and create actual solutions for them makes difficult projects seem less daunting.

    Oh I also think INFPs have a big inner critic that needs taming in order for perfectionism to reduce:

    L P, silvs and Blue Flower thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I find it helpful to write down steps. I like making lists. Crossing things off lists is the BEST feeling! I also like rehearsing. To avoid being overwhelmed by anxiety for new things, I imagine times when I have gone through similar circumstances and done well. I then remember step-by-step how I went through those (including the part where I was anxious and convinced I’d fail beforehand). I then replace the steps from the successful scenario in my mind with the steps for the new scenario.

    It also helps to talk to people. What I often find is that things that worry me worry everyone, but because I keep them in my head I think I’m alone in being worried and that makes the “something is wrong with you, you are not quite right” soundtrack play in my head on top of the original worry.

    My husband is a Te-dom and trust me, even he gets anxious about new situations. He makes lists and charts. He does the rehearsal thing. He seems so good at just getting things done and he is but that does not mean he never worries. There are things I get anxious about that he does not, like packing for vacations, but things like new jobs and moving make him worried too. So the lesson is, take the negative self-talk, sit it down and say “Listen, I know where you are coming from, of course you are worried, but worrying isn’t helping.”

    Successful people apparently talk to themselves as if they were talking to someone else and refer to themselves by their names. So people who let fear overwhelm them refer to themselves as “I”. “I’m worried, I’m struggling, I will never do this.” Successful people say “Jennifer, of course you are concerned but you will DO this and if you don’t, so what? You’ll dust yourself off and try again, Jennifer.”

    Like that.
    silvs, Voyageur, UpClosePersonal and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Flower View Post
    I find it helpful to write down steps. I like making lists. Crossing things off lists is the BEST feeling!
    I feel you so hard on that one lol, yes!

    And the rest was pretty eye opening.
    Blue Flower and silvs thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Oh hey that's my main function, maybe I can help!

    There are a few tricks to planning, I'll try to break it down for you.

    Step 1: The first thing about planning is you need to have a goal. You're planning for something or to achieve something, and if that's not clear on your mind, you'll find yourself running in circles. So let's do this step-by-step. Take a piece of paper. Write down everything you want to achieve. From "doing the dishes" to "getting a PhD". Write it all down.

    Step 2: break it down by level of complexity. This can seem tricky but it's easy to do once you get started. Just ask yourself, "On a scale of dishes-to-PhD, where would I place this?". No, really. Try it. This is important because the more complex a task is, the more you need to break it down, but we'll get to that in a bit.

    Step 3: Let's work with the simple stuff first. Chores! Maybe you find yourself overwhelmed by them, and you catch yourself thinking "I need to wash the clothes and do the homework and write an email and [...]" and in the end you do nothing at all because you're always thinking about the next thing. Calm down. Deep breaths. The trick here is that you should build your goals to be as specific as you possibly can. Allow me to explain!

    Pretend you just met a friend you haven't seen in a while. You guys really want to catch up, but you have to go soon, so you go "Let's meet up sometime!". You know what the odds of you meeting them are? Close to zero. A "let's meet up" might as well be a "see you when chance desires". But what if you go "I'm going to a bar near my office on friday after work, why don't you join me?", well. That friend might show up.

    That's how goals should always be: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. SMART as a mnemonic! If you know where and when and what are you gonna do, then your goal quits being vaporwave and becomes something tangible you can acheive. And that works for everything! Treat your chores as you would treat that friend you wanna meet. Don't just plan to "wash dishes", plan to "wash dishes every day after lunch". Don't just plan to "do homework", plan to "answer questions 1 to 3, take a coffee break, and then answer questions 4 to 10, between 14h and 16h".

    Step 4: Leave yourself room! That's how you plan for the unplanned: you always schedule a task for longer than you think it'll take. Takes you 1 hour to do the dishes? Plan for 1h30. Takes you 2 hours for homework? Plan for 3h. That's because you never know. Maybe the phone will ring. Maybe you'll have to go out. And if that happens, you start snowballing into the next task's time and your plan falls apart. So give yourself some burner time, and if it turns out you don't need it, you can always take a longer break or move on ahead to the next task.

    Step 5: Build habits! Now see, this is interesting. The process of making and unmaking habits is a fascinating one because of what it entails. Let me explain: a habit is always made of three things: a trigger, an action and a reward. For instance: you hear a notification (trigger), you unlock your phone and read the message (action) and you get to talk with your friends (reward).

    So if you want to build a habit, just give something a tangible trigger and a good reward. Allow yourself some sort of break after each completed task. That's what keeps you going! Controversely, if you want to break a habit, just remove the trigger! Put that phone on silent and you won't check the message.

    Once you are aware of that, you get this very powerful tool to sculpt your life into what you want it to be, because you see, every time you try to start something, your brain does this kinda motivation check, and that's very often where you give up. But if you turn a thing into an automated habit, you skip that step. You don't need motivation to brush your teeth. You don't need motivation to shower. You just do it. And once you turn anything into a habit, that's how it goes. You might need a lot of motivation to sit down and study now, but once you do it every day, it just becomes this thing you automatically do. Habits are good.

    Step 6: Break it down, prioritize, break it down, prioritize. There's no such thing as a complex goal that can't be broken down to steps. Moving out? That's terrifying. What does that entail? Break it down: (1) you need a place to live, (2) you need a source of income. Break it down: a place to live means you have to look for somewhere to rent. Break it down: the place has to be affordable and close enough to work that you don't spend a ton on transportation.

    Whoops! We've hit a snag here. Turns out both the location you're gonna look for a place and how much you can afford to pay for rent are dependant on your job. So what you thought was goal 1 is actually goal 2! Prioritize! Now things are looking like this: (1) source of income; (2) place to live. Break it down: to get a job you need a CV, a knowledge of what kind of job you want, and a potential employer. Break it down:for a CV you need a list of your skills and achievements, and a base knowledge of how CVs are structured.

    So that's how things are looking: learn how to make a CV > make a CV > decide what you want in a job (break it down: wage? hours? paid vacations?) > look for potential employers > send your CV > prepare yourself for interviews > go to interviews > get job > look for places to live.

    A bit less intimidating, right? Keep breaking it down until it's all achievable bits. Keep prioritizing until all prerequisites for the next task are met. It's less of a list and more of a flowchart, really. Remember each little piece you broke a big task into is a goal in itself and should be treated as such: set objective, specify, schedule, act.

    That's all I can think of, but let me know if you need further explanations. Hope it helped!
    L P, silvs, Blue Flower and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8
  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by buttons1 View Post
    Oh hey that's my main function, maybe I can help!

    There are a few tricks to planning, I'll try to break it down for you.

    Step 1: The first thing about planning is you need to have a goal. You're planning for something or to achieve something, and if that's not clear on your mind, you'll find yourself running in circles. So let's do this step-by-step. Take a piece of paper. Write down everything you want to achieve. From "doing the dishes" to "getting a PhD". Write it all down.

    Step 2: break it down by level of complexity. This can seem tricky but it's easy to do once you get started. Just ask yourself, "On a scale of dishes-to-PhD, where would I place this?". No, really. Try it. This is important because the more complex a task is, the more you need to break it down, but we'll get to that in a bit.

    Step 3: Let's work with the simple stuff first. Chores! Maybe you find yourself overwhelmed by them, and you catch yourself thinking "I need to wash the clothes and do the homework and write an email and [...]" and in the end you do nothing at all because you're always thinking about the next thing. Calm down. Deep breaths. The trick here is that you should build your goals to be as specific as you possibly can. Allow me to explain!

    Pretend you just met a friend you haven't seen in a while. You guys really want to catch up, but you have to go soon, so you go "Let's meet up sometime!". You know what the odds of you meeting them are? Close to zero. A "let's meet up" might as well be a "see you when chance desires". But what if you go "I'm going to a bar near my office on friday after work, why don't you join me?", well. That friend might show up.

    That's how goals should always be: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound. SMART as a mnemonic! If you know where and when and what are you gonna do, then your goal quits being vaporwave and becomes something tangible you can acheive. And that works for everything! Treat your chores as you would treat that friend you wanna meet. Don't just plan to "wash dishes", plan to "wash dishes every day after lunch". Don't just plan to "do homework", plan to "answer questions 1 to 3, take a coffee break, and then answer questions 4 to 10, between 14h and 16h".

    Step 4: Leave yourself room! That's how you plan for the unplanned: you always schedule a task for longer than you think it'll take. Takes you 1 hour to do the dishes? Plan for 1h30. Takes you 2 hours for homework? Plan for 3h. That's because you never know. Maybe the phone will ring. Maybe you'll have to go out. And if that happens, you start snowballing into the next task's time and your plan falls apart. So give yourself some burner time, and if it turns out you don't need it, you can always take a longer break or move on ahead to the next task.

    Step 5: Build habits! Now see, this is interesting. The process of making and unmaking habits is a fascinating one because of what it entails. Let me explain: a habit is always made of three things: a trigger, an action and a reward. For instance: you hear a notification (trigger), you unlock your phone and read the message (action) and you get to talk with your friends (reward).

    So if you want to build a habit, just give something a tangible trigger and a good reward. Allow yourself some sort of break after each completed task. That's what keeps you going! Controversely, if you want to break a habit, just remove the trigger! Put that phone on silent and you won't check the message.

    Once you are aware of that, you get this very powerful tool to sculpt your life into what you want it to be, because you see, every time you try to start something, your brain does this kinda motivation check, and that's very often where you give up. But if you turn a thing into an automated habit, you skip that step. You don't need motivation to brush your teeth. You don't need motivation to shower. You just do it. And once you turn anything into a habit, that's how it goes. You might need a lot of motivation to sit down and study now, but once you do it every day, it just becomes this thing you automatically do. Habits are good.

    Step 6: Break it down, prioritize, break it down, prioritize. There's no such thing as a complex goal that can't be broken down to steps. Moving out? That's terrifying. What does that entail? Break it down: (1) you need a place to live, (2) you need a source of income. Break it down: a place to live means you have to look for somewhere to rent. Break it down: the place has to be affordable and close enough to work that you don't spend a ton on transportation.

    Whoops! We've hit a snag here. Turns out both the location you're gonna look for a place and how much you can afford to pay for rent are dependant on your job. So what you thought was goal 1 is actually goal 2! Prioritize! Now things are looking like this: (1) source of income; (2) place to live. Break it down: to get a job you need a CV, a knowledge of what kind of job you want, and a potential employer. Break it down:for a CV you need a list of your skills and achievements, and a base knowledge of how CVs are structured.

    So that's how things are looking: learn how to make a CV > make a CV > decide what you want in a job (break it down: wage? hours? paid vacations?) > look for potential employers > send your CV > prepare yourself for interviews > go to interviews > get job > look for places to live.

    A bit less intimidating, right? Keep breaking it down until it's all achievable bits. Keep prioritizing until all prerequisites for the next task are met. It's less of a list and more of a flowchart, really. Remember each little piece you broke a big task into is a goal in itself and should be treated as such: set objective, specify, schedule, act.

    That's all I can think of, but let me know if you need further explanations. Hope it helped!
    This is excellent. Another tip I have is to ALSO mix up big tasks and small ones on the list. If you only have big tasks, the tendency is to accomplish nothing. But if you mix in small ones you can squeeze them in and the sense of accomplishment is motivating.

    I’m at a different stage of life. I have a house and a yard. So my fall to do list might be:

    Get yard ready for winter.
    Fall clean of house.

    But those are HUGE and I would do nothing. So instead my list might be:

    Cut back hostas
    Cut back perennials on hill
    Cut back grasses
    Prune shrub
    Fertilize front lawn
    Fertilize back lawn
    Bring in deck furniture
    Wash upstairs windows
    Wash downstairs windows
    Shampoo rug

    And so on.

    Even if I’m tired and overwhelmed I can pull one task off that list and do it. And I get the “CROSSED SOMETHING OFF THE LIST” buzz.

    The other part of Te is collecting data and facts and I naturally was drawn to that part to support my interests and be reasonably good at them.
    L P, neutralchaotic and silvs thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP

    Damn, yall 2 (@buttons1 and @blue Flower) just killed the thread. In a good way lol. I feel all energized and prepared now to do something lol.

    SMART and Break it down are things I am gonna keep in my back pocket now

    Crossed of the list buzz is real.
    Last edited by L P; 03-03-2019 at 12:38 PM.
    buttons1, Blue Flower, neutralchaotic and 2 others thanked this post.


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