[INFP] Deciphering INFP inconsistent behavior

Deciphering INFP inconsistent behavior

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This is a discussion on Deciphering INFP inconsistent behavior within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello peeps, after years of stalking and analyzing these forums, it's time to put my hat in the ring and ...

  1. #1

    Deciphering INFP inconsistent behavior

    Hello peeps, after years of stalking and analyzing these forums, it's time to put my hat in the ring and OVERANALYZE!! Because this ENFP lady extraordinaire is developing a crush on a cute INFP male.

    We met through a mutual contact, just professional networking to start, but had a pretty great initial convo about various topics that we both care about. After that first meeting, we wanted to talk more about topics of interest, so we met up for coffee and it still felt just friendly at that point, like getting to know a cool new friend.

    Then, afterwards, he texted me almost every day, multiple times, even when he was on vacation, sharing about what he was up to and also sending things that I might find interesting. Because he's someone who is really invested in community and building friendships, I didn't think much of this and just took it as friendly convo.

    After a few weeks of this, he texts without context, "I really want to hang out again." That's when my ears sort of perk up - is this romantic? Since I don't know him that well, I really try to not think too much of it (HA, nearly impossible for me) but regardless, I feel like I would be interested in taking things in that direction and respond enthusiastically. He suggests that we meet for dinner.

    During dinner, I see that he's cleaned himself up a bit (shaved, haircut). (I've also dressed up a bit, teehee.) The convo was great and deep, but felt platonic. He called me "dude" and "man" multiple times. Also brought up his ex and mentioned dates that he's gone on. Otherwise, would ask me a lot of questions and also talked about himself. He also remembers little details from our previous convo that I totally forgot I shared.

    We go for a walk after dinner, during which he'd say stuff like, "I planned my day around this [dinner]," to which I replied, "Oh, wow, thank you! I know it's a long drive up." And he's say, "Oh, it's no worries. I come up all the time. It's not a big deal." And, "That cafe we met at the first time, it'd be great to go back and work from there," to which I felt like he was suggesting something, so I replied, "Oh yes! Lemme know; it'd be great to cowork."

    The evening ends with a hug and that's about it. I left feeling like it was purely platonic - and confused/disappointed. Afterwards, I text him that I appreciated him walking around town with me at night. He says that he had a lovely evening and is really enjoying getting to know me. He wishes me a great vacation and says he's excited to hear about how it goes afterwards. I say that I feel the same way and that I feel compelled to share that I think he's a beautiful human being. He says same here.

    And then... Nada, zilch. No texting for the two weeks I'm gone. I text him twice while I'm away and get 2 word responses.

    I get back and he texts me something but the convo doesn't really continue. I suggest that we hang out again next week, after a crazy week is over, and he says he'd love to.

    Then, again, radio silence....

    All in all, I know that this has only been a grand total of 3 TIMES we've met up. I know I'm overanalyzing (what's an ENFP to do). I do want to say that, from the brief time I've gotten to know him, I do think he's a beautiful human inside and out from what I've seen so far. I see his kindness, his humility, his vulnerability, how he listens, how he attunes to other people, how he cares about issues, and how he actively invests in community.

    However, I don't appreciate this inconsistency of behavior. A friend suggested that he might feel friendzoned because I called him a "beautiful human being." Is that true? For me, that's the highest compliment that I could pay a person, and it was also a vulnerable moment for me - I felt like I was telling him that I was into him. Could he have interpreted it that way? Or, did he absolutely get it, and it wigged him out?

    If anyone could shed some light on this rollercoaster of behavior, it'd be greatly appreciated for this ENFP who is definitely in a mental loop-de-loop. Thank you :bow:

    P.S. I have a performance coming up - he bought a ticket to see it after I came back from vacation.
    Last edited by spectaculardonut; 06-05-2019 at 04:32 PM.
    Blue Flower, Llyralen, ButIHaveNoFear and 1 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Quote Originally Posted by spectaculardonut View Post
    Hello peeps, after years of stalking and analyzing these forums, it's time to put my hat in the ring and OVERANALYZE!! Because this ENFP lady extraordinaire is developing a crush on a cute INFP male.

    We met through a mutual contact, just professional networking to start, but had a pretty great initial convo about various topics that we both care about. After that first meeting, we wanted to talk more about topics of interest, so we met up for coffee and it still felt just friendly at that point, like getting to know a cool new friend.

    Then, afterwards, he texted me almost every day, multiple times, even when he was on vacation, sharing about what he was up to and also sending things that I might find interesting. Because he's someone who is really invested in community and building friendships, I didn't think much of this and just took it as friendly convo.

    After a few weeks of this, he texts without context, "I really want to hang out again." That's when my ears sort of perk up - is this romantic? Since I don't know him that well, I really try to not think too much of it (HA, nearly impossible for me) but regardless, I feel like I would be interested in taking things in that direction and respond enthusiastically. He suggests that we meet for dinner.

    During dinner, I see that he's cleaned himself up a bit (shaved, haircut). (I've also dressed up a bit, teehee.) The convo was great and deep, but felt platonic. He called me "dude" and "man" multiple times. Also brought up his ex and mentioned dates that he's gone on. Otherwise, would ask me a lot of questions and also talked about himself. He also remembers little details from our previous convo that I totally forgot I shared.

    We go for a walk after dinner, during which he'd say stuff like, "I planned my day around this [dinner]," to which I replied, "Oh, wow, thank you! I know it's a long drive up." And he's say, "Oh, it's no worries. I come up all the time. It's not a big deal." And, "That cafe we met at the first time, it'd be great to go back and work from there," to which I felt like he was suggesting something, so I replied, "Oh yes! Lemme know; it'd be great to cowork."

    The evening ends with a hug and that's about it. I left feeling like it was purely platonic - and confused/disappointed. Afterwards, I text him that I appreciated him walking around town with me at night. He says that he had a lovely evening and is really enjoying getting to know me. He wishes me a great vacation and says he's excited to hear about how it goes afterwards. I say that I feel the same way and that I feel compelled to share that I think he's a beautiful human being. He says same here.

    And then... Nada, zilch. No texting for the two weeks I'm gone. I text him twice while I'm away and get 2 word responses.

    I get back and he texts me something but the convo doesn't really continue. I suggest that we hang out again next week, after a crazy week is over, and he says he'd love to.

    Then, again, radio silence....

    All in all, I know that this has only been a grand total of 3 TIMES we've met up. I know I'm overanalyzing (what's an ENFP to do). I do want to say that, from the brief time I've gotten to know him, I do think he's a beautiful human inside and out from what I've seen so far. I see his kindness, his humility, his vulnerability, how he listens, how he attunes to other people, how he cares about issues, and how he actively invests in community.

    However, I don't appreciate this inconsistency of behavior. A friend suggested that he might feel friendzoned because I called him a "beautiful human being." Is that true? For me, that's the highest compliment that I could pay a person, and it was also a vulnerable moment for me - I felt like I was telling him that I was into him. Could he have interpreted it that way? Or, did he absolutely get it, and it wigged him out?

    If anyone could shed some light on this rollercoaster of behavior, it'd be greatly appreciated for this ENFP who is definitely in a mental loop-de-loop. Thank you :bow:

    P.S. I have a performance coming up - he bought a ticket to see it after I came back from vacation.
    I think that after 3 tries it still hasn't sparked romantically, that he's not interested in a deeper thing. That's not unusual with a coworker situation.

    When things go well between two people, it's usually very obvious to both of you. I don't believe in fake until you make it.

    I online dated and always knew it wasn't going to work out but still I tried to make it a nice date. The women were always surprised that I didn't want to go on.

    The last person I dated hit it off very well with me and we ended up dating for 4 years. I ended it because I didn't want her situation in life. It would have taken me in directions i didn't want to go in my life. Not soon after we stopped seeing each other, she had a guy move in with her and a couple years later they are married.

    I spent the last 3 years just getting adjusted to being on my own. INFPs are known for letting things go if they aren't exactly what we're looking for.

    The best approach is to let it go and see if it finds its way back. Meanwhile, continue to be your charming self and see what fish bite.

  3. #3

    Ah, I hate that in-between. Been in it a few times myself. Are we flirting or friends? Are we friends or colleagues with a very good rapport? I don’t know the answer. I mean, I think the first response is likely your safest bet in interpreting this. On the other hand, I’ve had confused situations where I assumed I read too much into it and later found out the other party was way more into me than I realized. So....

    I think it’s clear he likes you and there is some level of interest, but at what level? I mean, I have opposite sex friends and always have but I’m not sure I’d ask someone of the opposite sex out to dinner without clarifying whether or not it was a date. Because getting dinner is usually perceived as a date. In fact with opposite sex friendships I think we generally did group things and would only hang out one to one when it was clearly established that things were just platonic.

    I’d give it a little more time to play out, but try not to get too invested.

  4. #4

    When an INFP is really interested, there is no ambiguity. But sometimes the interest accrues like a snowball effect.
    Moby, spectaculardonut and ButIHaveNoFear thanked this post.

  5. #5

    The xxFP tango.

    I wouldn't put all my eggs into one basket here. He already knows that you would like to spend time with him again, so I say it's up to him to pick up the reins and do something about it. It sounds like he was feeling you out, but cooled his jets for whatever reason. Reserve about 10% of your headspace for this performance that you have coming up that he's supposed to attend, and 90% for being who you are and enjoying yourself.
    UberY0shi, Moby, spectaculardonut and 1 others thanked this post.

  6. #6

    It doesn't seem like he sees you romantically. You could try to let your feelings go, or you could ask him "Hey, what are we?" and it will probably help your feelings go faster. He might not be ready for a relationship.

    On deciphering inconsistent INFP behavior in general, let me know when you figure out how to do it. It would make a lot of people I know very happy! But I have not been inconsistent with my interest in my boyfriend. Even from the beginning days when I doubted that it would be a good idea to get into a relationship with someone 17 years older than me, I was still intrigued with trying it out. We still texted and called every day.
    UberY0shi, spectaculardonut and Blue Flower thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by spectaculardonut View Post
    The convo was great and deep, but felt platonic. He called me "dude" and "man" multiple times.
    The INFPs I've known will call me "dude" or "friend" - even if romantically interested. I was so worried about it when I started dating my INFP ex last Fall I made a post right on this INFP forum asking why a woman who seemed interested in me would use such language. My old (from 2009) INFP ex did that as well, though I had forgotten at the time.

    One thing about your story your posted though. Unless I missed something, you haven't directly asked him out or explained your romantic feelings?
    spectaculardonut and neutralchaotic thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Oh goodness please just tell the guy you like him. One of the two of you has to break the in-betweeny space. FPs are great at that in-betweeny space but it's not going anywhere until you shatter it. It's like Schrodinger's box. See if it's alive or not. Just go for it.
    L P, Llyralen, secondpassing and 3 others thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Well, to me it sounded like he was interested up until your vacation and things went silent. Don't know what could have triggered that. Since you guys didn't find your way to the next level, he found a new romantic interest? He got some idea that you'd found one? Don't know.

    As far as the date out on the town, I used to be shy about when to make that next move, interpreting when the other person was interested romantically, so maybe he was just trying not to overstep.

    As for being called a beautiful human being, I suppose it depends on the delivery, which your meaning may have been completely lost in a text.

    The thing is it could be multiple things, IF he did lose interest. You may never know, and he may not even know. I remember once there was a woman I was becoming very interested in, until I heard her discussion with someone else and she referenced oompa loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I halted on all flirting from that moment on. Who knows what quirks someone has that causes them to lose interest, but that's what getting to know someone is all about.

    Guess you just gotta be content with playing it by ear and see where it goes. Enjoy the adventure of it.
    spectaculardonut, Blue Flower and UberY0shi thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Thanks everyone for your input. <3 Makes me appreciate insightful, heartfelt NF peeps even more.

    After reading your comments and having time to process myself, I am too old for this shiz and not about games like this. I'll feel it out the next time I see him, but I am not about this life. I feel played and I'm over it. Onward!
    L P, neutralchaotic and ButIHaveNoFear thanked this post.


     
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