[INFP] Relationship advice for INFP's in need!

Relationship advice for INFP's in need!

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This is a discussion on Relationship advice for INFP's in need! within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; So, just starting this. I have a major problem. I fell out of love with my boyfriend and I don't ...

  1. #1

    Relationship advice for INFP's in need!

    So, just starting this.

    I have a major problem. I fell out of love with my boyfriend and I don't know what to do. It's not like anything was wrong. I just... don't feel it anymore. And I feel so bad. I fell for him really fast, and my heart fluttered for everything he did, but... omg I feel like an asshole. I don't know how I should say it to him. Because I KNOW I'm not in love anymore. And I tried, I wanted this to work, he's a wonderful man but it doesn't look like I'll fall for him again, even if he tries to salvage our relationship. I'm really desperate to end it at this point... I feel so bad. Does anyone know how I should tell him so that he understands? He's probably an EXXJ

  2. #2

    just tell it to him straight. i can't/don't want to be with you anymore.. be prepared to answer why.

  3. #3

    Does anyone know how I should tell him so that he understands?
    Try in his native language.

    Did you consider you know, telling him what you just said us? He'll need to learn a lesson, hard to some, that love is merely foolish and temporary emotional impulse and building your self-esteem around it leads to a disappointment. If I were you, I would make sure he will learn his lesson for his own good, but your choice you can brush him off with generic response.
    SuckerForSweets thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I would say let him off easy, reassure him that it's not him, so he doesn't come on this site and make asking why his INFP gf left him lol. But seriously reassure him that it's not something he did and that you simply do not feel the same or like you thought you would and that it's best you two split up/see other people. I think wording it like how you did here is ok, you know the confusion for not knowing the cause of why you don't feel it anymore. I know brutal honesty is always encouraged but in this case I think it's just too sensitive to be so brutal because the people that encourage the brutal honesty do not have to deal with the person's reaction to it and in most cases it's not gonna be "Omg, I'm so glad you were brutally honest." I would just say that you aren't feeling how you used to feel and it could be a sign that there's not much left between you two. You could mention that you tried and that you wanted it to work also but that it's just not there for you anymore. I mean what can someone say to your honest feelings like that?
    SuckerForSweets, Negotiator and Adonnus thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I'm not much for relationship advice since I've never been in one, but it seems like you had a bit of infatuation for him. Explain that to him, that its not his fault, that you still think he's a great guy, but you honestly can't see yourself continuing down this path because you've realized that after you really got to know him, what you felt wasn't love. After that its up to you guys I think to decide what you want to make of the relationship, to cut it off completely, or try the friend route. Though if he is still holding a flame for you I think cutting it off completely might be kinder.
    SuckerForSweets thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by SuckerForSweets View Post
    Does anyone know how I should tell him so that he understands?
    ExxJs are pretty straightforward so fortunately I think just telling him straight-out will work.

    (As an aside... you've voiced that you're clearly ready to be done in this situation... but do remember that losing the flutteries is a very natural thing to happen in a long-term relationship. The flutteries will go and come with time and flow... sometimes they'll disappear after a lot of stress especially, and that's just how life works. Getting them back is usually up to patience and a little relaxation/free time just enjoying yourself.)
    SuckerForSweets thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Did you know that feeling intuitive perceivers have ďgreener pastureĒ syndrome in relationships? This is something to ponder on a bit before you crush this guy.

    I wonder if anyone else who has been married as long as I have and is an ENFP or INFP actually feels like they put themselves back in love with someone over and over again? I do and it is a needed skill for any committed person, I think. I donít know why the movies donít say so.

    I think if youíre pretty sure that you wonít find too much better out there (which is a question for you) then it wouldnít make much sense to break up... you said you ďtriedĒ? What did you try? If you donít want to hurt his feelings strong enough then thatís the reason I stayed with my husband. Iím glad I did... otherwise the same thing happens with someone else who I might care about even less. I think Iíve written it elsewhere. When I found a guy who I couldnít stand to hurt, thatís who I stuck with. And yeah... there are all sorts of things to do to help yourself love someone over and over. The biggest one is service and thinking of their feelings. Establish dating habits between the two of youó like have date night Friday, etc. that is actually really important in a long- term relationship. It sounds routine, but itís actually needed and wonderful.

    Think very pragmatically about this manís qualities vs other guysí out there or relationships youíve had. Is this guy the best youíve seen in a while? Do you feel very close to him? How much do you care about his feelings? How much would you be crushing him? A lot? A little? Does it matter? I think so... since I believe in the power to rekindle the romance for relationships where both partners truly care about each other and the quality of the conversation is very good. OR You might just need to date longer in order to appreciate the qualities of a really good man. Iím just making you think a bit before you break the heart of a man who you think is great and whom you admire.

    If you think this man has qualities the others donít and you want those qualities in your future and if you donít want to hurt him then consider figuring out how to stay in a committed relationship. Believe me, I understand, Iím about as far perceiver as you can get.

    I compare NFPs dating to picking a flavor of a life time supply of pies. They bring you 20 different pies to sampleóyou try the first 8 and you still want to try more of them. By this time you know you love chocolate pie. There are three chocolate pies, you try the first one and it is really good, but you want to try the next. Itís not as good. You try the third, the caramel chocolate and it wows you. You could eat this one every day. You get sad to finally choose just 1 pie, but since you really tried enough pies at this point you know which one you want and youíre getting very full and stuffed. If youíre not quite sure then you can try the other ones, but the chocolate caramel as a choice might be gone by that time. Youíre not the only pie- taster out there. And yeah... figuring out how to relish your lifetime supply of chocolate caramel only seems possible to me if I remember how much I would have disliked having that bland banana creme to wake up to every day. I truly appreciate the chocolate caramel and I did try enough pies to really appreciate him. Thatís my analogy. Because how do you know your favorite without trying some? (Trying can mean friendship or dating, doesnít have to mean sex). There is some danger that you found the best one at the beginning and itís gone, though. I actually saw a Ted-Talks that put this exact thing into a ďThe Math of LoveĒ logarithm.

    Good luck figuring out your needs and good luck to your guy too.
    Last edited by Llyralen; 08-10-2019 at 11:29 AM.

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    I wonder if anyone else who has been married as long as I have and is an ENFP or INFP actually feels like they put themselves back in love with someone over and over again? I do and it is a needed skill for any committed person, I think. I don’t know why the movies don’t say so.

    Because the romance movies are set on the idea of "magical" love. That one where it just happens TO a person(s) and they can't help it, then they also can't help when it magically falls away either.

    But like you said, real love is a choice. Not one you make once, but all the time once you've made a master decision to love someone.
    The mental habits of someone choosing to love are totally different from those of someone choosing not to. The first ignores the way they floss their teeth and how long the commute is and how cold their feet are.
    The second is hyperaware of how freezing their feet are and how randomly they floss their teeth and how long it takes to drive to their parents house.

    But what do I know? I chose not to love any other kind of pie besides the one perfect banana crŤme that I always knew was out there (and may not be). If I settled anywhere else, it wouldn't be from love (sorry to make your stomach turn, oops) because I still love him, Mr. Late-To-The-Party.
    So we all have our issues, lol.
    SuckerForSweets and secondpassing thanked this post.

  9. #9

    How long have you been together and about how old are you?

    If he is not right for you then just say that and don't beat around the bush. You can't force feelings for someone.

    As others have said though love also has an ebb and flow; staying in love is a choice we make over time.

    If you are 17 and have been together 3 months then just date other people. If you are 40 and have been together 10 years then you want a long look at what happened and whether you have really fallen out of love or it's just an ebb. And then there are all the in-betweens of those two extremes.

    I have been married a long time. Many days if I think about life without my husband I feel a dull panic, wondering how I would even breathe without him. Many days I wonder why on earth I ever thought getting married was a good idea. Sometimes one idea or the other will persist for months at a time. Most days I don't really think about it one way or the other, as he is just such a part of my life.
    SolitaryNight and L P thanked this post.

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