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INFP-ENTJ relations

[INFP] 
6K views 25 replies 12 participants last post by  QwertyCTRL 
#1 · (Edited)
Dear INFPs,

How do you feel about ENTJs? How are your relations with us? How do you view us?

By "relations" I mean any kind of personal relationship (romantic, friendship, rivalry, etc.) The reason I'm asking is because there is an INFP girl I'm interested in romantically (unfortunately she has a BF at the present :( ) and I'm curious to get an idea of how things might work between us.
 
#2 · (Edited)
Hi there :) Before I go into detail about my thoughts on INFP/ENTJ relationships... I feel like I should tell you that INFPs tend to be really committed in their relationships. If the girl you like is in a relationship right now, chances are that she'll either stay with her current BF or, in case the relationship ends, she'll be absolutely heartbroken and will need a lot of time to process it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, Don't get your hopes up too high. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic (who would've guessed) and I can't blame anyone for daydreaming about that one person. A lot.

Soo I used to have an ENTJ friend I was pretty close with. What I loved most about our conversations was how *deep* they were. We could just casually talk about the universe and our place in it for hours, I'm guessing that was our shared N aspect. Otherwise we didn't have much in common - oh, apart from our passion for good food, not sure if that's a personality thing though xD
I was the dreamer, he was the realist. I was arty, he was analytic. I was wary of hurting others, he was direct and refreshingly outspoken. But our differences did fascinate me and I valued that friendship. Ironically.. I feel like he developed a crush on me over time which is why I got more distant (being in a committed relationship myself) and we drifted apart. We got in touch again once and that time something he said hurt me on a very personal level, he probably didn't even realise it but that's when I decided to keep my distance. Not saying that's an ENTJ trait! It's just what happened.

Overall, I don't think we could've worked as a couple. What I crave most in a relationship is sharing my deeply emotional experience of the world. I could never really reach my ENTJ friend on that level, perhaps because he's not a feeler. I remember one time in particular when I was really upset about something and my friend didn't really know what to do, he almost seemed a bit intimidated by my emotional outburst. But strong emotions are the core of my being. I don't always show them though and if I do, it means I trust you. I need someone who can appreciate that and handle those waves of deep feelings. Not saying that you wouldn't be able to do that! But my ENTJ friend certainly couldn't and he would never show his own deeper emotions freely.. so I often felt there was something missing for me, as much as I liked him as a friend.

Don't think I've ever had a close relationship with any other ENTJ. To be honest, I tend to feel a bit judged by *TJs as if I'm not smart, witty and organised enough (that's my own insecurity though). So in a strange way, your affection for that girl warms my INFP heart. All the best :)
 
#3 ·
I don't think I've ever actually known any ENTJs, but I'll say as with all types I think it'll always vary from person to person, it's never ever a good idea to prejudge your future relations with someone based on your types, people of two types usually considered diametrically opposed can become closer than family if they're compatible in other ways.

Though it's probably a good idea to back off if she has a boyfriend my dude, hoping for them to separate is never a nice thing to wish upon somebody and you could be hoping for a long time.
 
#4 ·
It wasn't a pre-judgement thing, as much as it was me wanting to understand what it looks like from the other side. I wouldn't try anything as long as she has a boyfriend... I don't do that sort of thing. But to be honest, I was hoping for a breakup :) She really grew on me in such a short time and we have a surprising amount of things in common. She even told me things like: you're a wonderful person... positive things... Which is a really nice surprise for someone that knows me for about 1 month. Usually, it takes much longer for people to like me... I'm not lovable :) I assume it's unusual (correct me if I'm wrong) for INFPs to be so positive so fast.

Hi there :) Before I go into detail about my thoughts on INFP/ENTJ relationships... I feel like I should tell you that INFPs tend to be really committed in their relationships. If the girl you like is in a relationship right now, chances are that she'll either stay with her current BF or, in case the relationship ends, she'll be absolutely heartbroken and will need a lot of time to process it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, Don't get your hopes up too high. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic (who would've guessed) and I can't blame anyone for daydreaming about that one person. A lot.

Soo I used to have an ENTJ friend I was pretty close with. What I loved most about our conversations was how *deep* they were. We could just casually talk about the universe and our place in it for hours, I'm guessing that was our shared N aspect. Otherwise we didn't have much in common - oh, apart from our passion for good food, not sure if that's a personality thing though xD
I was the dreamer, he was the realist. I was arty, he was analytic. I was wary of hurting others, he was direct and refreshingly outspoken. But our differences did fascinate me and I valued that friendship. Ironically.. I feel like he developed a crush on me over time which is why I got more distant (being in a committed relationship myself) and we drifted apart. We got in touch again once and that time something he said hurt me on a very personal level, he probably didn't even realise it but that's when I decided to keep my distance. Not saying that's an ENTJ trait! It's just what happened.

Overall, I don't think we could've worked as a couple. What I crave most in a relationship is sharing my deeply emotional experience of the world. I could never really reach my ENTJ friend on that level, perhaps because he's not a feeler. I remember one time in particular when I was really upset about something and my friend didn't really know what to do, he almost seemed a bit intimidated by my emotional outburst. But strong emotions are the core of my being. I don't always show them though and if I do, it means I trust you. I need someone who can appreciate that and handle those waves of deep feelings. Not saying that you wouldn't be able to do that! But my ENTJ friend certainly couldn't and he would never show his own deeper emotions freely.. so I often felt there was something missing for me, as much as I liked him as a friend.

Don't think I've ever had a close relationship with any other ENTJ. To be honest, I tend to feel a bit judged by *TJs as if I'm not smart, witty and organised enough (that's my own insecurity though). So in a strange way, your affection for that girl warms my INFP heart. All the best :)
I have other INFP friends... one of them is one of my oldest and best friends. We know each other for 14 years and during this period, we've had 2 arguments and stopped talking for about 6 months every time. The last time this happened it was all a big misunderstanding: she assumed that me asking about her future plans was about me being condescending towards her... Why would she think that? I honestly don't know, but she got really upset and I had absolutely no idea what was happening and why until 6 months later when she explained it to me. I had never been arrogant towards her... or in general towards people... why would she assume that? The thing about us is that we don't really have subtext to our words... If I ask what are her plans for the future, there is no other implication except the fact that I'm curious what she wants to do next. If I would feel like demeaning someone, I would do it directly, in a cutting tone which should be unmistakable from the way I usually speak.

She (the girl I like) has been sharing certain emotional stuff with me and I did the same with her... Yes, we do have feelings and yes, they can be reached. It's just that for the most part we don't think they're important enough to talk about. At least that's what I feel like... I do have feelings, but I don't see them as important enough to discuss, but if someone wants to talk feelings, I'm ok with it.

I have another INFP friend and she had the same feeling with her boyfriends, that she was judged and she felt inferior, but appreciated that she never felt this way when talking to me (it seems they were similar to me). And I told her this: if you detect arrogance, reply with extra-arrogance... Find a topic you know more about and press your advantage: talk about it and make them feel the same. From my point of view, I like talking about a lot of stuff, like history and from my point of view people shouldn't feel inferior if they don't know what I'm talking about. I will explain things in the most simple terms, I prefer to tell stories like: "Ok! So these guys really hate these other guys" instead of "the geopolitical situation in region..." But the only thing I want people to have is curiosity. That's it! You don't know stuff? So what? I don't know a lot of stuff. From my point of view I see it as a joy of communication, of sharing knowledge, not me bragging how smart I am.
 
#5 ·
My BF for 8 years is an ENTJ. The dynamics are as described above: he is more rational, I'm more emotional. I think, at first, I was a little bit intimidated by him. He seemed so... sure about how things work. I never know exactly how things work (or I feel very incapable of understanding a lot of technical stuff, which I am not, but I just need a little bit more time), so his 'duh' approach to these things was kind of.. scary. I think I intimidated him a bit with my 'duh' approach to handling emotions and predicting emotional outcomes for us and others.
Nowadays we both pretend we don't value the things we're nog especially good at, but secretly learn from the other to be a better person. He looks at how I handle things emotionally, and sees that his emotions are valid and okay. I see how he handles things in a practical, efficient sense, and I do as I see.
The flipside of our relationship is that he can be a bit condescending at times. He doesn't really realise what he is doing at that moment, but it's quite annoying. This is how it goes: I do something in a different way than how he likes to see it (for instance: loading the dishwasher, always a pain). He asks me, not one, but five questions of how I came to think of deciding to load the dishwasher like this. He asks if I didn't listen to him before, when he explained me how to load it. I'm not that efficient, I'm just bad at loading the dishwasher, I explain, but he doesn't really understand (because he believes I can learn). I slowly zone out... Which he (of course) finds very annoying, but I find it difficult to listen to his tone.
I now realise that he doesn't really mind his tone or how it comes across, he wants to be able to give feedback anytime. He understands now that I (and others) have a negative feedback-treshold: the more that comes in, the less I'm able to digest it because of emoootions.
Ah well. I don't know if this is ENTJ-INFP related, but that is I think our biggest struggle :) It gets less over the years, something to do with maturing Te and Fi I suppose.
 
#6 ·
To be honest I am intimidated by INFPs expressing emotions... My great friend for 14 years has moments when she has these outbursts where I'm genuinely afraid she's going to stab me or something. She's not directing them at me, but I sense danger :) This is something I actually really, really respect about INFPs... I think you guys might be the only type that can intimidate me... Not ESTJs, not other ENTJs, not ESTPs, nope... INFPs and I really respect that inner strength you guys have.

Yes, emotions are indeed valid and ok. The thing I am looking for when dealing with them is their logic. Feelings are not irrational or illogical, it's just that they have a different kind of logic in my view. As I like to say: "It's not logical, it's psychological!" Regarding the dishwasher situation, I have an ENTJ 1 friend and yes, he can be nitpicky, but as an ENTJ 8... nope, especially regarding dishwashers... I don't pay attention to them :)
 
#8 ·
I think it is okay to look at typology before getting into relationships. Even within a certain type, people tend to have a variety of preferences. For example, I, out of personal experiences, have a strong dislike of SJ types. But that need not be the case for all INFPs. Still it helped me to narrow down and even when I liked someone at a first glance, later as I figured out that a strong Si was involved in a personality, I backed off very soon and so much for the better. It's like learning a new language, some new words, some meanings that become imperative in the long run as you fumble with their meaning for a few years and figure out for yourself if typology itself works for you or not.

That said, I think for a long term future sort of a premeditation on relationships, enneagram is a much better tool. It gives the overall aesthetic of a relationship with keeping both the partners on equal par irrespective of gender etc. I think it is really cool.

Once you are IN, it is then that the MBTI becomes a far superior tool to understand your partner and discover every single embarrassing thing about yourself. :laughing: :laughing:
 
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#15 ·
My best friend is ENTJ. It's cool now that we are not roommates anymore. We developed a wonky relationship where I'm the NFP pet and protegé. It's even more wonky as I thought I was ENFP for years and now that I'm coming face to face with my introvert needs he still thinks I'm just a moody extrovert... Oh boy. Needless to say he's a rather TeSe-loopy kind of ENTJ.
 
#16 ·
My husband is ENTJ. I like the balance of personalities/ strengths/ styles. He is very direct which means sometimes he can be a little too blunt but it also means that I don’t have to spend emotional energy worrying about 7000 variations of “what if”. What you see is what you get. He’s all on the surface. I don’t mean he’s shallow; far from it. But he doesn’t hide much.

I really like that my emotional swings don’t bother him. If I’m crying over nothing or thrilled about the way the sun filters through the leaves, his mood is pretty stable either way. Don’t get me wrong, he does not like if I’m upset and tries to comfort me. But I don’t drag him down.

I needed to learn to ask for exactly what I wanted and not hint or hope he’d mind read. And I needed to learn to not assume bad intent. “Please ask me how I’m feeling if I’m home sick from work” is the type of thing we had to talk about. After I made the request it made sense to him, but it would not occur to him to ask, or that I might want an invitation to talk. He figured I’d update him if things had changed, gotten better or worse, whatever.

He likes my ability to read people and situations since he is not good at it. I am able to help him understand his more complex feelings since he tends to have mostly primary-colored emotions (happy/ sad/ angry) and the more involved ones can be harder for him to figure out, since generally he doesn’t experience varying moods and so doesn’t have much practice in deciphering them.

We share a sense of humor. I think for the match to work you need to really share most values and many interests because when disagreements occur is where things really break down between us. We don’t resolve conflict well, most often choosing to just make a truce rather than solve the underlying problem. Strange because we are both problem-solvers at heart, but our communication styles when we are not happy are so very different that it’d hard to bridge the gap. This may not be quite as true of other ENTJs; he leans towards the autism spectrum in his difficulty with understanding social cues and body language. So for instance if I start to cry in an argument to him it’s out of the blue whereas most people would have seen it building for many minutes. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that he literally does not see it.

The nice thing is that ENTJs are extroverts who are quite happy to do their own thing without a lot of social activity as long as they can be busy with some sort of activity that engages their mind or their planning and creative abilities. So even though he is outgoing he is not forever trying to get me to socialize.

As to her having a boyfriend; I am a bit older than many of the posters here and I say “So what?” Don’t actively try to break them up, don’t pin your hopes on it, but it’s called “dating” not “marrying” for a reason. People date. They break up. They date someone else. Yeah, INFPs tend to take breakups hard in part because we don’t connect with a lot of people. But you said she is dating him, not for how long or how seriously or even if she is in love with him.

It sounds like she is (probably subconsciously) back-burnering you; I have seen some compelling studies that show that most women have backup partners in mind because for most of our evolutionary history, being without a mate was a very risky endeavor, so having someone in mind in case our partner for some reason left the scene was an evolutionary advantage. “Shopping” is not cheating. It sure seems like she is giving hints that she finds you compelling.

My guess is that as an ENTJ you would not be too heartbroken if she never became available or if she did and it turned out she strictly thought of you as a friend. So don’t be a jerk and put on the moves but I’d say give things a little time, keep her in your orbit, and see what things look like in a few months. I wouldn’t wait much longer than that.
 
#17 ·
loved to read this, I recognise a lot from it. Especially the bit of not having to worry about his 'what you see is what you get' style. I love that about my ENTJ as well. And the thing about being extroverted in a project-sense instead of in a people-sense.. My partner is always in the future in his head, planning, thinking ahead, solving problems. I'm more in the here and now. We help each other a great deal with enjoying the moment, though making sensible plans for the future together too (without getting too stressed out).
Just wanted to add this too the ENTJ-INFP bliss ;)

I recognise the thing about not seeing the tears coming as well. I sometimes feel like I need to spell every emotion out, especially when it's really foreign/just me feeling them. He sometimes misinterpets my tears as a way to manipulate him, which I find very weird (I think he has read somewhere that girls can do that, but my tears mostly come from frustration/anger).
We just suffered a loss together though, which was, in a strange way, a good experience for us too, because we were both able to feel it so deeply and talk about it in a heartfelt manner (Fi?).
Totally agree on your pragmatic approach towards the INFP in question too. Just wait it out, stay close and see what happens until, you feel, it has been long enough. I'd also try to keep an open mind towards other people who are free atm.
 
#18 ·
Don't know a ton of ENTJs personally. My father and then possibly my younger brother and very few outside of that. But: most people in general are fascinated deeply by their own Inferior Function and enjoy using it, even if plays a non-central role in their life. That's how I am about Te. I can say all I want: "that's not what I base my life on" yet inevitably when it comes to things like developing a procedure for how to do something, making things more organized and efficient, accepting universal standards, etc. it never loses its appeal. So the ENTJ way of doing things is very enjoyable to watch.

And yet our last interaction Strelnikov, it was me declaring ENTJs the most overrated MBTI type and that's something I'm sticking with. This applies far more to ENTJs inside America, and then the other Anglo-rooted countries. It's not a healthy culture that appreciates all styles of personality, it's a toxic, narcissistic culture, it plays favorites. And narcissistic cultures don't only negatively affect those disfavored by them; they also negatively impact those favored, the Golden Children.

In areas online where a lot of ENTJs congregate, I see an above average number of egotistical, obnoxious remarks. "I’m an ENTJ and as such think that I can already do everything better than everyone else", one person wrote. I read some of these things and I'm just filled with contempt and disgust. On ENTJ Confessions, it became enough of a problem that the more sober and wise ENTJs began the scolding, see here and here. Yes most of them haven't gotten to that level of spoiled, and I do not think it an inherent ENTJ trait either. To be fair, there are also some self-pitying confessions among them but for all that...I still definitely understand where the scolders are coming from. All I can say those who've let it go to their heads: if they fail to humble themselves, life will do it for them. It happened to me when I was about 10 and I'm still never the same as I was before, probably for the best though.

And no this does not apply to you personally Strelnikov, from what I've seen of you I'm fond of you. :happy: But admittedly what I've said isn't going to help you much in getting what you're seeking. For that, I'm just willing to accept that two people of any MBTI type can make a great relationship as long as there is good communication, understanding of the other, and most importantly, genuine affection. Maybe you find Dominant Fi fascinating because of your own Inferior Fi?
 
#19 ·
Don't know a ton of ENTJs personally. My father and then possibly my younger brother and very few outside of that. But: most people in general are fascinated deeply by their own Inferior Function and enjoy using it, even if plays a non-central role in their life. That's how I am about Te. I can say all I want: "that's not what I base my life on" yet inevitably when it comes to things like developing a procedure for how to do something, making things more organized and efficient, accepting universal standards, etc. it never loses its appeal. So the ENTJ way of doing things is very enjoyable to watch.
Yes, there are times when I'm amazed myself how effective Te can be... it reminds me of the idea of "wu wei" in Chinese philosophy, doing something without any effort, without getting tired... it just comes naturally and everything is in balance and harmony.

And narcissistic cultures don't only negatively affect those disfavored by them; they also negatively impact those favored, the Golden Children.
Which other types would you say gain by this system? Who are the Golden Children?

In areas online where a lot of ENTJs congregate, I see an above average number of egotistical, obnoxious remarks. "I’m an ENTJ and as such think that I can already do everything better than everyone else", one person wrote. I read some of these things and I'm just filled with contempt and disgust. On ENTJ Confessions, it became enough of a problem that the more sober and wise ENTJs began the scolding, see here and here. Yes most of them haven't gotten to that level of spoiled, and I do not think it an inherent ENTJ trait either. To be fair, there are also some self-pitying confessions among them but for all that...I still definitely understand where the scolders are coming from. All I can say those who've let it go to their heads: if they fail to humble themselves, life will do it for them. It happened to me when I was about 10 and I'm still never the same as I was before, probably for the best though.
:D Wow! Well, for me it's like this: I sometimes do say things like: "I'm invincible" either as a joke or because it gives me encouragement and makes me feel better at certain times. But I don't actually think that I can't be defeated. I really like history and everything I've seen has taught me that the biggest, most massive mistake one can make is believing one's own hype and underestimating the enemy (by "enemy" I don't mean particular people, I'm thinking of a more general thing, like situations or tasks). The greatest defeats and humiliations were suffered by the people who did these things.

As for confidence, well... honestly... it doesn't cross my mind in general. My first concern when I have to do something is what do I have to do to bring about the desired outcome? Whether or not I can do it... the question rarely crosses my mind. I don't really think "I can do anything better (because I'm an ENTJ)" or "I can't do it"... It's just that my mind gets focused on the task itself and I don't factor in myself as a person (or other people) in the equation. I have to do a conscious effort to remember that there are also human factors, because I usually focus on the situational non-personal factors and the logical steps needed to make a certain situation reality. This also applies when I'm angry or upset, I don't get angry at people in general (except when they directly insult me), but at the situations themselves. As such, unless people insult me, I don't take it out on them.


And no this does not apply to you personally Strelnikov, from what I've seen of you I'm fond of you. :happy: But admittedly what I've said isn't going to help you much in getting what you're seeking. For that, I'm just willing to accept that two people of any MBTI type can make a great relationship as long as there is good communication, understanding of the other, and most importantly, genuine affection. Maybe you find Dominant Fi fascinating because of your own Inferior Fi?
Thank you! The feeling is mutual!

Well... what I'm seeking... I did present the case that triggered the question of the thread in my mind, but I was also curious in a wider sense how INFPs view ENTJs and yes, you did help with that. What I find fascinating about dominant Fi is the resilience. It could be inferior Fi or my 9 wing (Enneagram-wise), but I really value resilience. I see resilience as the trait I'm most proud in myself, due to my own personal past (having been through poverty and illness, even death - medics managed to resuscitate me), but also because of my birthplace (a city which has been completely destroyed 3 times, survived 2 world wars and German - WW1 and Allied - WW2 occupations and yet it still stands, the phoenix is on our coat of arms as a symbol of our resilience despite hardship).

I see strength mainly not as an ability to be aggressive in the offensive, as much as I see it in terms of one's ability to take it, to suffer hit after hit without giving up and it seems to me Fi-doms are exceptional at this. I see INFPs as powerhouses, because real power isn't about a puffed up chest and the go-getter attitude, but about taking it quietly and persevering. And I have seen my INFP friends take heavy hits and in a way, the hits barely put them off balance. Sensitive like a seismometer, yet resilient at the same time. Another thing I really like is the moral compass, you seem to be able to deal with complex moral questions in a way I can't and this makes INFPs excellent at giving solid grounded advice which re-balances me.
 
#25 ·
I commend all of you INFP-ENTJ combos for working out as well as you have. I got out of a relationship with an ENTJ (8w9 so/sx) a little more than two months ago now, so I'm somewhere in between being venomously envious of you, as well as intensely grateful to not be in your place anymore. There's so much duality in a relatively fresh breakup, but it's been enough time that my good sense has made a full return and I understand everything now.

How did/do I see ENTJs? Before I became involved with an ENTJ, the whole xNTJ type was damn sexy to me; the thought was like a weakness. Maybe it's because of all of the hype that exists here and other places online, but I loved that straightforward principled demeanor, well meaning and governed by reason. Hell, I still love it.
Even after a failed relationship, my personal view of ENTJs has not suffered as a result. There's just less idealism and more true understanding now. Frustration and admiration in equal parts.

The below is no less important, but spoiler'd for, uh... b r e v i t y ... Yeah, that doesn't exist... > u >
 
Here are some recounts and thoughts on my year with my ENTJ ex. Forgive the length of this post--I still tend to relive it all when I think and write about it.
My ex and I, though both mature and principled, are troubled in different ways. He's an 8w9, a narcissist who still struggles with his troubled childhood, and I'm a 4w3, a self-shaming loner with trust issues. I go on a lot about the 8/4 dynamic, so maybe that dynamic is more relevant than the ENTJ x INFP general. Regardless, I look forward to reading what anyone interested might interpret from my POV.

When I first met him, he had been going through a tough time that was about to get horrible, being the caretaker for a sick family member, and he was looking for someone to cater to him emotionally and help him through this tough time in a new place.
At the same time, I was an open book, looking for a way to change my life, which had long felt lacking and directionless, and it had been 5 years since I'd been in a relationship at all. I was intensely attracted to him from the get-go, and, as an empath made bitter by past experiences with people and eager to reconcile those feelings, I fit the role I was to play in his life to a T.

I still am not sure what all he wanted for me (of course the obvious happiness), or if he even thought much of it, but nothing else about me mattered much to him other than that he needed me to be functional for his sake. He decided that I was there to play the role of supportive girlfriend. That's what he decided I meant to him. There was no real room for improvisation; there was no real room for me.
He told me that he felt an appreciation that I had my own life and own interests--but I knew well that it better meant that it was more of a generalized courtesy he had for people in general, and there was not enough consideration there for him to value it specifically in me. Putting it simply, it's a characteristic of low empathy.

That's not to say he was apathetic, though; quite the opposite. I think low-empathy can take on (but is not limited to) sociopathic or narcissistic flavors, but as a Social-dom, his was self-centric. He was compassionate and never unwilling to help in practical matters, but it all manifested in this self-revolving "cooperate with ME" way that checks out for a social 8. Except, he had these Ni-Fi horse-blinds on.

He decided who was welcome (and who wasn't) in his life up front via intuition--practically all at once. Pair this cosmic intelligence with low empathy, and it became evident that the people he did select would have their blanks filled in with important values about himself that he assumed the right people in his life would have to have. In logical fashion, he was not wrong about them, until he discovered that he was. It's kind of the opposite of living vicariously though someone; in his mind, people lived vicariously through him, and that's how I came to settle into my role of supportive girlfriend.

I would very willingly channel myself into him--exploring his life and inheriting his burdens. I wanted to make a difference for him, and I'm honestly glad I was able to, though I did it at the non-sustainable expense of my identity. In a way, it felt like all of the best and worst feelings wrapped up in one bittersweet package. His authority was addicting, he exuded this kind and gentle reassurance. "I need you to fold. Dive into me, and I will guide us", he seemed to say. There was nothing more practically comfortable to me than this (type 6's physical sensibilities?). But, on an emotional level, I was tormented by it. This comfortable feeling only felt exclusive to me while I was suiting the role. Would I eventually be denied this comfort if I were to find the strength to be the person I truly was--someone less functional and beholden to him than he took me for? Although complicated, the answer was ultimately yes.

So, that's where my inability to communicate plays in. I couldn't find a way to hold onto my voice, and the core fear of having no identity became a reality. I compromised too much about myself, and the once good sense I seemed to have seemed to spiral uncontrollably out of my mind. I let so much of myself go, I clammed up and revealed little of actual relevance to him. Most every thought was of confusion and doubt, trying to understand why I felt so lost and how I could snap out of it. But I didn't want to be a constant, negative source. I wanted to be his strength while he pulled through his own tough time, but that's what kept me stuck there--my constant refusal to put fact first and entertain things not working out with him.
But, there was a silver lining in it. That fire to persist in the face of emotional disadvantage was part of my iron constitution, and I had no doubt that I could handle every single one of our problems. He was going through more than I was, and I believed in the resilience of my emotional equipment. It was one of the few things that actually gave me some of that strength back--all the way up to the very end.

But most of the time, I couldn't find it in me to be direct about anything, to either him or to myself. I remember him telling me that my lack of directness was one of the few things that bothered him.
"You'll almost never meet anyone who holds you in contempt for being brave enough to speak your mind." I wholeheartedly agreed with him, but with no real sense of self, there's no will to assert. I know that this was an aspect about me that confused my ENTJ thoroughly--that my sense of self was in question enough to lose touch with its own will, let alone that it could strengthen and weaken and change. That's probably a whole other subject I could wander off endlessly on (assertiveness vs turbulence), but it is in the nature of my turbulence (where confidence is absent) that I can be reshaped in the momentum of upset and change.



Here are a few other nuances I noticed about him that left a lasting impression on me:

Part of this Ni-Fi thing he had going on, he strictly only surrounded himself with activities and events that he approved of and was vehemently stubborn about everything else. Occasionally, he would humor me, per se, and check out what I've suggested, but his facial expression always had this look of regret on his face for having done it. It was perhaps to a point where he saw taking suggestions from others as a means to manipulate him--a direct line to leave himself vulnerable and weak if he were to accept them. There's something about that seems abnormal to me, and I have my doubts that it's typical of ENTJs in this high of a frequency. Feel free to 'learn me some facts if I'm wrong.

One thing that helped me empathize with him was this sense of waywardness in him that felt intensely familiar to me. His heart fix was 4w3, and the strict adherence of his principles seemed to work against him as much as it worked for him. It was his way. That independence is something (probably the only thing) he and I both shared. He could never really keep people in his life; he got along with people by being at odds with them, and he alienated himself from long-term friendships/relationships as a result. That in particular struck a chord with me.

As well, there is this sadness in him that pained him every time he acknowledged it, and I felt it. His Regal Majesty, governed by an inconsolable melancholy on his black throne, always subject to the jeering of a single mocking crow, and it was in moments like these that I loved him the most. He holds them in disregard because it is vulnerability. But in his sadness, I see strength, and I only wish he would/could see the potential in it, and how much greater knowing it made him to me.

One last thing to note is about the trust he asked me to blindly have in him. I only ever trusted him part-time. There was nothing disingenuous about the way he asked me to have full confidence in him, and honestly, I wanted to so badly, but to allow myself to trust blindly without accumulated evidence would have been idiotic of me. Though I know he didn't at all mean it this way, it's almost like asking me to forfeit my good sense--asking me to be out of my mind. It was only in hindsight that I knew that he was real. He meant everything he ever said, and that I really could trust him like that. It's an astounding realization, because pure authenticity like that is rare as hell. But still, I don't regret standing by my belief that trust is earned, not granted. This is the way that I refuse to change.
 
#26 ·
well, we don't judge, but no one can really know what annoys us. some things you should know:
we don't like small talk, we would rather deep conversations.
we sometimes just take a break for a while to recharge, it's normal and we need it.
while we don't get offended, we don't like the person who tried offending us. we get offended not by the offence, but by the fact that someone tried offending us. so try your hardest to see what might offend her.
um, one more thing... do not, and I mean do NOT ever EVER even ATTEMPT to try to take away her alone time. it's a bad idea.
also, we don't ever try to be rude.

so... yeah. we don't know about you, you can't know about us, try to make it work. that's it.
 
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