[pretty long post, but I think many might find interesting]
The past few years in the extremely few conflicts I've had, I've come to notice something strange, and this recent conflict came from my girlfriends, ex girlfriend, she blamed me and was angry accusing me of stealing her, manipulating her and forced her to be straight. She ended up getting physical but thankfully she was alot smaller so she wasn't able to really hurt me, but I keep noticing this look in her eyes and just felt overwhelming sadness in me and felt this feeling she really needed this right now and I just stopped resisting and let her have a couple hits, later I was told by my girlfriend that she had an extremely terrible terrible childhood, incest by her father when she was 5/6, constantly beaten, mother had died, father basically abandoned them, gone all week only home on Sunday's, to restock their house with food, and she was the one who took care of her younger sister.
Anyways heres what came of all this.
Lately I've noticed when I am abused, beaten, or harmed I feel incredible sadness, it is not the physical pain that hurts or scars me, it is during the attack when I lock eyes that I am truly hurt. At first you can't see their eyes, all you think of is yourself and if you'll be okay, next time maybe you've grown and see anger in their eyes, but now I no longer see anger. I just see their insecurities and pain, I catch a glimpse of all the pain they hold onto unable to ask for help. I feel sadness for them, and then I hurt even more because to a person like this, if I show this feeling they will just be hurt even more, believing I'm looking down on them, feeling pity for them.
Is there truly such thing as an evil man? Is there really a child that is born with hate? The man who is afraid of elevators, was born because when he was young, one malfunctioned, dropped, and was trapped until saved. Is evil not the same? What unbearable pain could they have suffered that molded them this way? It's easy to sympathize with a person who was just hurt, but do we stop to think that it's us who have continued this cycle?
It's so easy to become angry and further cast out an attacker, but with that push did we not just become apart of their next victim? When will we open our eyes? Are we not just as guilty? To look down our noses, and ignore the pain that torments them so? Does that not make us just as evil, to feel we are superior because we had the inner strength, support, or resources to handle our pain and not take it out on another? Maybe it's hard to see in that moment, but later on can no one look past oneself and take a step back, or do we feel we need to convince anyone who will listen, how much of a victim we are as to protect our ego and reinforce it? Can all we truly see is just an enemy? Does no one see the hurt child? The neglected child who was never cared for or supported? Who learned that the way to show they were hurt was to attack another? The child who learned no other way to ask for help, when the pain was to much to handle alone, that when they needed help the most their parents ignored them, just to remind them that their pain is theirs and only theirs to bear? When this pain became to much, with no way else to cope, they found anger. They found the only way to show that they were hurt and stop their pain was to put it on someone else.
Are we not just as bad as their parents? Did we not also push them away, and make them feel even more alone? Do we realize the pain we cause by labeling them as a delinquent or a bully so others can ignore them, not give them a chance at friendship, and steer clear from them? Does this just reinforce their thoughts that they are alone, and not just that no one cares about their pain, but outcast them or attack them for even having or feeling that pain. Maybe if someone had been able to look past their own suffering, they could've seen their pain and been able to reach out their hand and catch them before the rest of us pushed this child off the cliff into darkness.