[INFP] Deep thought sparked out of conflict

Deep thought sparked out of conflict

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  • 2 Post By jke55
  • 1 Post By Adonnus

This is a discussion on Deep thought sparked out of conflict within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; [pretty long post, but I think many might find interesting] The past few years in the extremely few conflicts I've ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    Deep thought sparked out of conflict

    [pretty long post, but I think many might find interesting]

    The past few years in the extremely few conflicts I've had, I've come to notice something strange, and this recent conflict came from my girlfriends, ex girlfriend, she blamed me and was angry accusing me of stealing her, manipulating her and forced her to be straight. She ended up getting physical but thankfully she was alot smaller so she wasn't able to really hurt me, but I keep noticing this look in her eyes and just felt overwhelming sadness in me and felt this feeling she really needed this right now and I just stopped resisting and let her have a couple hits, later I was told by my girlfriend that she had an extremely terrible terrible childhood, incest by her father when she was 5/6, constantly beaten, mother had died, father basically abandoned them, gone all week only home on Sunday's, to restock their house with food, and she was the one who took care of her younger sister.

    Anyways heres what came of all this.

    Lately I've noticed when I am abused, beaten, or harmed I feel incredible sadness, it is not the physical pain that hurts or scars me, it is during the attack when I lock eyes that I am truly hurt. At first you can't see their eyes, all you think of is yourself and if you'll be okay, next time maybe you've grown and see anger in their eyes, but now I no longer see anger. I just see their insecurities and pain, I catch a glimpse of all the pain they hold onto unable to ask for help. I feel sadness for them, and then I hurt even more because to a person like this, if I show this feeling they will just be hurt even more, believing I'm looking down on them, feeling pity for them.

    Is there truly such thing as an evil man? Is there really a child that is born with hate? The man who is afraid of elevators, was born because when he was young, one malfunctioned, dropped, and was trapped until saved. Is evil not the same? What unbearable pain could they have suffered that molded them this way? It's easy to sympathize with a person who was just hurt, but do we stop to think that it's us who have continued this cycle?

    It's so easy to become angry and further cast out an attacker, but with that push did we not just become apart of their next victim? When will we open our eyes? Are we not just as guilty? To look down our noses, and ignore the pain that torments them so? Does that not make us just as evil, to feel we are superior because we had the inner strength, support, or resources to handle our pain and not take it out on another? Maybe it's hard to see in that moment, but later on can no one look past oneself and take a step back, or do we feel we need to convince anyone who will listen, how much of a victim we are as to protect our ego and reinforce it? Can all we truly see is just an enemy? Does no one see the hurt child? The neglected child who was never cared for or supported? Who learned that the way to show they were hurt was to attack another? The child who learned no other way to ask for help, when the pain was to much to handle alone, that when they needed help the most their parents ignored them, just to remind them that their pain is theirs and only theirs to bear? When this pain became to much, with no way else to cope, they found anger. They found the only way to show that they were hurt and stop their pain was to put it on someone else.

    Are we not just as bad as their parents? Did we not also push them away, and make them feel even more alone? Do we realize the pain we cause by labeling them as a delinquent or a bully so others can ignore them, not give them a chance at friendship, and steer clear from them? Does this just reinforce their thoughts that they are alone, and not just that no one cares about their pain, but outcast them or attack them for even having or feeling that pain. Maybe if someone had been able to look past their own suffering, they could've seen their pain and been able to reach out their hand and catch them before the rest of us pushed this child off the cliff into darkness.
    burningsoul and Energumen thanked this post.



  2. #2

    I'm sorry you've had to experience tremendous trauma. It shouldn't be this way. Your experience reminded me of a time when I contemplated the morality of those disadvantaged towards choosing the right path.

    A couple weeks ago, I picked up a homeless woman who asked for help starting her car. I'm not all that great with cars, but after a while we managed to jump start her beat up old sedan. While we figured out the positive and negative sides of our batteries, she told me about her living situation. She had an abusive boyfriend that just kicked her out of the house and her ex-girlfriend(? No I did not understand their relationship status, wayy too jumbled) was often depressed and took things out on her. Which, speaking of, that ex-girlfriend and another nice guy were waiting in the car when I got there. It was an interesting group. Two LGBT white women, a black dude, and a yellow man (me) with a work van and an old sedan standing around at 10pm at night. At least no one was racist, right? Anyway, their car wouldn't start so I went with the first woman to go buy gas for their empty tank. On the way back, I gave the woman a mint, you know, just a regular Ice-Breaker, but as she put in into her mouth, she opened the window and screamed, "IT'S SO SOUR!"... There was a non-homeless woman standing at the street corner that just stared back, incredulously.

    Granted, this homeless woman's situation is all sorts of messed up, but it doesn't justify her and entitle her to disturb other people's lives. If I was standing at a street corner waiting to pass near midnight, I'd be very disturbed if someone opened their window to shout at me. I'm able to forgive her situation, but what she did was not right.

    I do my best to not wish evil upon anyone, but there is a clear distinction between right and wrong.
    People do bad things. Two wrongs do not make a right. Love your neighbor as yourself.

  3. #3

    I did jump into the darkness, my friend. Ever since, I have found wings. Now I can lift agonized souls and carry them away to calmer pastures. If you can see this deep into human pain, you have indeed been gifted with extraordinary compassion. Don't turn it into a feeling of guilt and then project it on a lot of people out there. Other people have different ways of dealing with pain. Some do with anger, some with compassion, some with rationality even and so on. . . who are you and me to decide for them. If you friend was physically violent towards you and you received it with grace, it is a good thing about you and not necessarily a bad thing about the rest of the people out there. I'd have hugged her and apologized to her. In fact, there is one person who I did not treat as graciously as I should have back when she was close. She was abused too, by an older relative. I so desire her forgiveness. She so desperately sought love and I had none to give, even as a friend. It was too late when I realized that. We do not talk anymore. I wonder about her regularly. How is she, how is she doing? I have so much care for her now. We can always treat hurting people nicely. It is something they seldom expect. And then to see all their anger mellowed into feeling so special is very delightful to observe. Try being extra nice to an angry person next time. You are angry at me? Let's go to a nice coffee shop where I treat you with a coffee and you tell me all about what makes you angry about me. If you have the heart for that (which, I believe you do) this person will feel swelled with comfort and anger would melt like butter. Always a pleasant thing to see butter melt.

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by jke55 View Post

    It's so easy to become angry and further cast out an attacker, but with that push did we not just become apart of their next victim? When will we open our eyes? Are we not just as guilty? To look down our noses, and ignore the pain that torments them so? Does that not make us just as evil, to feel we are superior because we had the inner strength, support, or resources to handle our pain and not take it out on another? Maybe it's hard to see in that moment, but later on can no one look past oneself and take a step back, or do we feel we need to convince anyone who will listen, how much of a victim we are as to protect our ego and reinforce it? Can all we truly see is just an enemy? Does no one see the hurt child? The neglected child who was never cared for or supported? Who learned that the way to show they were hurt was to attack another? The child who learned no other way to ask for help, when the pain was to much to handle alone, that when they needed help the most their parents ignored them, just to remind them that their pain is theirs and only theirs to bear? When this pain became to much, with no way else to cope, they found anger. They found the only way to show that they were hurt and stop their pain was to put it on someone else.

    Are we not just as bad as their parents? Did we not also push them away, and make them feel even more alone? Do we realize the pain we cause by labeling them as a delinquent or a bully so others can ignore them, not give them a chance at friendship, and steer clear from them? Does this just reinforce their thoughts that they are alone, and not just that no one cares about their pain, but outcast them or attack them for even having or feeling that pain. Maybe if someone had been able to look past their own suffering, they could've seen their pain and been able to reach out their hand and catch them before the rest of us pushed this child off the cliff into darkness.
    No, if I'm chased by maniacal serial killer wielding machete and wearing hockey mask, my last concern will be whether they had or not terrible childhood and answer won't change anything in the present situation. It's nice and dandy but bad childhood is at best an excuse for bad behavior and doesn't make behavior any better. Why it's me that has undergo on impossible/unlikely quest to fix someone who treats me like shit just because their past sucked? I don't consider myself responsible not only for fixing such person ,nor to treating such person differently than any other person that would behave in such way.

    If she attacked me, I would retaliate in self-defense, maybe she would reconsider attacking other people, if not she would probably reconsider attacking me next time, so at least unless she was completely irrational I would enjoy some peace.

    Anyway, this is in large part why I'm avoiding relationship and contact with other people because drama like that I would need to put up with.

  5. #5

    From my experience studying history, I would say a lot of people are indeed born evil and had happy/privileged childhoods and upbringings before going on to murder people.

    Of course there are people on the other side who experienced so much pain and misery growing up they were unable to tell what was normal or abnormal, and to some degree from that right or wrong, but I think out of all the people in the world they would be a minority of the ones committing bad actions. It's a classic nature vs nurture argument but for people who do nasty things I would lean towards nature as my answer.

    There are people who need love and help to see another side of life and people who are naturally born evil and can't be helped. I think the first category tends to seem more emotionally confused whereas the latter is emotionally clear-sighted and focused on causing harm, they know what they are doing.
    bigstupidgrin thanked this post.

  6. #6

    OP: Thank you for sharing all this with us. I suppose it might be cold comfort, but I think your post alone really contributed to a positive change.


     

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