[neutralchaotic]

I have a question. If a person hasn't had any close friends all his life. All that he has had are superficial friendships (take note that I am calling the friendships superficial and not the people involved). What if after a long time (meaning more than a decade and a half) this person decides to overcome or override personal opinions about people? They still get on his nerves. He still dislikes them and almost everything about them. It is very hard tolerating them. But at the same time he does not want to remain alone. What then? Does your advice stand ground in that case. This is not a hypothetical situation. This is one of the central traumas of my life. The two alternatives that you mention here are neither of them applicable to me. Does it really matter that a person spend a lot of time both ways to come to a bafflement that will be judged legitimate?

I think @citygirl here has a legitimate concern. Solitude is not a solution for noisy company.

I can relate to this a bit, which is why I am replying (this is all my own experience, not saying it is or would be the same for you):

I agree with Frankly My Dear in regard to picking your battles. It used to be very easy for me to be overzealous about finding flaws in others (and myself), and if I let that judgment run unguarded, I would deem every human being downright insufferable. Even those who I do genuinely like would fall under that category. I had to 'have a meeting' with myself, and figure out what traits and actions that I truly despise / could not tolerate. Anything else, I would swallow my nitpicky ways and make nice. Eventually, that became something natural for me. It was no longer 'making nice', but I could enjoy the presence of others without making a mental list of perceived slights, disagreements, value conflicts, etc.

[citygirl]

I never said her concern was not legitimate. Her concern could have been summarised in one paragraph rather than one page, making clear the amount of focus she is putting on these people when they aren't even around (thus draining her own self). Consequently, I urged her to pay attention to where she is focusing her energy. No need to make so many judgements about them being needy and annoying. For all we know these people could have anxiety and therefore want to meet out the front of venues. We just don't know.

Your question: What then? Well then, if all the friendships experienced are merely superficial, then being alone would be better. Unless the needs in the friendship are mutual (e.g. you don't feel like a serious conversation, but you want to go and have a fun night, just for example). Quality over quantity in general, I believe.

I appreciate your logic and response and agree it is good to pay attention to where you are putting your energy. And also good food for thought on superficial relationships... I do find that yes, I often prefer to be alone in many cases, but makes me realize most of my friendships are superficial, and probably why they aren't so rewarding but rather a drain. And maybe all superficial relationships are like that for introverts?

Superficialness goes back to my original post too... the frustration when people don't know you or understand you. I guess I only have so much energy and time that I feel frustrated when there is a conflict or misunderstanding because of the drain and discomfort of having to explain myself, set boundaries. I do try to be nice to people, and be direct, but finding much more drain with the extroverts because they function a lot differently.

My energy spent too in this thread was in part trying to understand what the core issue was and to learn from the experience and maybe less a focus on the specific people as I want to understand how to not get so riled up or drained. I think what I learned is that I have just have difficulty having an easy relation with extroverts. I find it easier to get along with other introverts as they totally understand when you need down time and likely wouldn't invite someone they don't know well to go on a road trip. Plus they are busy with their own downtime and projects that I don't have to exert my need for space. And maybe just expressing needs is stressful for me and have had extroverts somewhat badger me when I've asked for it before. I judge them I suppose because their behavior cramps my well-being. I like having time alone to explore. I like having the option to come and go to events so I can leave when I am tired/uncomfortable, etc. I don't want someone to text me about plans all day after I said I needed time to myself. Their neediness for always wanting social company makes me feel drained/relied on, which to me doesn't seem like a quality interaction because sometimes it is more about just having someone to be with, not mattering who that someone is.

[WhoPutsTheirFaceOnABus]

I'm a skimmer at heart but by Jesus, I think I can relate to what you wrote.

I somehow am the guy who organizes a day trip for a bunch of coworker dudes who mostly all drink. I couldn't if I wanted to. I find it almost unbearable travelling to and from the event.

I actually spend most of the year dreading that day. I make sure I look like I'm half enjoying it, but, reality bites.

[OldFart]

Does anyone get confused as an extrovert?

Man, I finally just decided that talking to an extrovert is pretty much like petting a stray dog.

You know, you were just trying to be nice and hoping to make it feel better, but it gets so excited about having a new best friend that you end up having to kick the damn thing in the head just to keep it from trying to hump your leg or follow you home.

I don't think its so much a matter of extroverts misreading our type as is that they don't even consider who we are at all.

[L P]

I do experience the "Hey lets' do X!" which is a social activity, usually out of my comfort zone or at a time where I completely do not feel like it and am doing something already, and the offer is even given at the last minute sometimes which is an absolute hell no. I experience this often since my roommate is an extrovert and I'm his ride so whenever he wants to do something he has to see if I want in, and I just tell him ".....no.". He may walk away feeling defeated, bored, restless, idc, if I don't feel like doing it I don't.

Whilst I do understand how you feel, I also see a lot of judgements of these people throughout this post. It doesn't make you a 'bitch', but, it does lack a bit of compassion and seems like you don't really care about your friends. And yet, you seem to be using a LOT of mental energy thinking of them, I mean, you were able to create paragraphs about how much it annoys you and how needy they are to you. In such a case, just be alone and be happy with it and don't use the mental energy on them? Your mind literally re-hashes that annoyed feeing whilst you write it all out --I mean surely doing that repetitively is far more draining than just spending a few moments with them? Just food for thought on what we focus our energy on.

Hm, I think venting actually does the opposite, gives you energy or something, which is why they ( me also) can do it so often and relax from doing it, probably is draining more energy carrying around the vent. I think the social need of this person is more draining probably. So yea I think those few moments are actually more draining.

[Anunnaki Spirit]

Just another lesson that birds of a different feather don't flock together and most extroverts continually fail to understand that not everyone is like themselves or has the same interests as they do. What irks me is that society is structured to only serve the needs of some well but not everyone and at the same time expects introverts to compromise on who they are on so many levels.

[Frankly My Dear]

Hm, I think venting actually does the opposite, gives you energy or something, which is why they ( me also) can do it so often and relax from doing it, probably is draining more energy carrying around the vent. I think the social need of this person is more draining probably. So yea I think those few moments are actually more draining.

Interesting

[Inluuk20]

Some time ago, I had a group of friends that seemed to be going out all the time, and most were so extroverted my head hurt when I went with them to some events. Don't get me wrong, the events were fun, but it left me completely drained of my energy and all it did, was make me more frustrated that I wasn't as socially outgoing as they were.

Eventually, I just stopped exerting myself to keep up appearances. Whenever some of them would go out and ask who was coming with them, I would say "No thanks, I am not up for it tonight or today, or whatever". At first, they called me out for being boring (and that stung a bit, as they were good friends actually) but over time, they understood my need for downtime on my own and that was a big relief; to know those that understand what you need sometimes, and that it's okay not to go out.

Then you have those that just don't understand and call you out on it, almost forcing you to go with them, like this: "But why aren't you in for a fun time? What is the matter with you?" You must not be afraid to stand your ground and just say "No, sorry, I just don't want to".
Better yet, it's better to cut off ties with people like that, because it's one thing for someone to not understand you why you won't come, yet respects the boundaries you set. It's another thing for people who don't understand you and still force/goad you to come with them, not acknowledging your boundaries (granted that you would need to let them know what your boundaries are in that regard).

[UberY0shi]

I don't think its so much a matter of extroverts misreading our type as is that they don't even consider who we are at all.

Ehhh? Don't consider who introverts are? I dun unnerstan... You mean the whole social battery part? The whole desire to extend pleasurable interaction beyond perceivable tolerances?

[OldFart]

Ehhh? Don't consider who introverts are?

I'm INFP, so maybe I'm overgeneralizing . . . .

My perception is that introverts are motivated by things that are hidden inside themselves, and that extroverts aren't much prone to being empathetic enough to bother looking there.