[INFP] Explaining introversion and dealing with people you aren't into

Explaining introversion and dealing with people you aren't into

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This is a discussion on Explaining introversion and dealing with people you aren't into within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Does anyone get confused as an extrovert? This guy that I'm NOT interested in dating keeps saying things that indicate ...

  1. #1
    INFP

    Explaining introversion and dealing with people you aren't into

    Does anyone get confused as an extrovert? This guy that I'm NOT interested in dating keeps saying things that indicate romantic interest and has offered to drive us to the beach for the weekend. I for one seem a bit horrified at taking a road trip with someone I don't know very well and would want separate rooms, then I feel like the whole week of him wanting to drink/party like an extrovert. He is always talking about drinking and I think it is so incredibly annoying as hell.

    Yes, I occasionally let loose, mainly when I'm stressed, I just think he totally has the wrong picture in his head of what my personality is about because he has seen me on some outgoing moments... so I find myself also pissed off that I have to explain all this shit. Would I have a good time at the beach? I don't know, maybe, but expenses add up when you are getting two hotel rooms and just think so many extroverts think others have the energy and social inclination as them. Like I would be grumpy AF if I didn't get my sleep in and then feel like the whole weekend fending off someone who might have a crush on me. STRESS.

    Maybe extroverts would look different and be like, a cool, a beach weekend, and blow off someone's advancements and just go have a good time. Me = rather hellish, on top of at minimum 5 hour drive in each direction in a short time period (leave Friday, come back Sunday). What the hell am I supposed to talk about with someone who can't seem to stop talking about booze and thinks I would have fun driving around a golf cart while he played (while drinking wine, which I only really like at times with a nice meal). I'm even baffled people behave/talk like this. Am I prudish? I just think it is super unclassy. Why does one have to talk about ALCOHOL all THE TIME.

    UGH.
    burningsoul, Blue Flower, L P and 1 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    If anything, this seems to be more of a vent than a question - feel free to use the venting thread...

  3. #3

    Sounds like you should just keep your distance from this guy. If you haven't even established a connection with him, Platonic or otherwise, then you're not obliged to indulge him.

    Sent from my RS988 using Tapatalk
    citygirl and Blue Flower thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I think they do. A lot it seems. Think "all go mostly no plan and so usually no follow through or deep think about most things even when they say they are planning on it etc. Especially the immature ones. Also very full of their own focus even in a group setting. Probably why they are best suited to be entrepreneurs I'd imagine. If your feeling the pressure then just let him know your not interested and why if he won't cut it out and take a no. If he goes further anyhow then surround yourself w people who aren't flaky and will put it to him if it comes to that. Some are just dense and others are more preditorial than this I've dealt with both but the second in female form is really hidden. Secretive spiders who try to move people around like pawns if they're left to their own devices. Just relax and tell him no. He might seem like he needs more but that's an elusion. No thanks i don't want to is good enough.

    Sent from my VS995 using Tapatalk
    citygirl thanked this post.

  5. #5

    All extroverts aren't like your non-romantic interest, by the way. My father is super extroverted (especially in comparison to the rest of us), and does not drink or party.

    It does sound like you're annoyed by him, though. I agree with the previous poster saying to keep your distance. Would save you a lot of time. No need to explain yourself to someone you are not interested in having any type of relationship with. Just tell him flatly you are not interested. Different strokes for different folks, doesn't make either of you better than the other.
    citygirl, Blue Flower, Frankly My Dear and 1 others thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Frankly My Dear View Post
    If anything, this seems to be more of a vent than a question - feel free to use the venting thread...
    Apologizes, should have been more clear about questions/topic. It is more do other INFPs/similar introvert types feel misunderstood and frustrated by extroverts and how to handle explaining needs and preferences to extroverts. Their constant social needs sometimes grate on me. And separately the issue of men who just seem immature because they always have to talk about alcohol. I'm sure there are plenty of party chicks out there. But it is SO not my type. But I can come across as really social and extrovert if I'm rested, not stressed and had a drink or two.

    So, I guess also wondering if other people have dealt with the awkwardness of someone confusing you as a really different type than what you are. I find I've been getting annoyed at extroverts who operate in the world so much different than me and I'm trying not to be rude. But I am exhausted by their going out or wanting to go out or be with people all the time (I see it as a bit needy as I like doing some things alone and will do them regardless of who can go with me), pestering me all weekend with invites when I have a lot going on, or thinking I want to drink with them all the time or they make comments about what feels to me like invasion of my personal space (I wish I was hanging with you at your house right now they say, but I'm in the middle of cleaning, have an ant problem, enjoying my alone time and I don't really like entertaining at home, so that all sounds like a bad idea.

    I hate thinking/feeling like a bitch right now, I guess the extroverts who have been reaching out aren't people I really want to spend time with all that much despite that fact they want to spend time with me. Instead of feeling socially flattered and feel mildly pestered, especially if I'm getting a barrage of invites from someone I just saw. I find that unless I'm romantically into the person, I really don't want to see any of my friends more than once a week. There are a couple that maybe would be fine, but social interaction, especially with new people or when my energy is low is just not fun at all and I don't think extroverts get that fact. It seems they just want people to do with all the time and many won't even do things by themselves!

    So all that makes me feel drained and that they are sapping energy out of me, especially the ones that always want rides and get annoyed when you don't wait for them a the door of a venue. Please, we are adults. I don't get this level of neediness. If I'm at a place earlier or a person is late, I'm all about exploring or making myself comfortable, not waiting in some doorway. Am I missing some social skills? Or at least I find often that sometimes people drag the fun out of a situation and I can have a better time by myself.
    Last edited by citygirl; 10-08-2019 at 12:48 PM.
    The Edwardian Spirit thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by citygirl View Post
    Apologizes, should have been more clear about questions/topic. It is more do other INFPs/similar introvert types feel misunderstood and frustrated by extroverts and how to handle explaining needs and preferences to extroverts. Their constant social needs sometimes grate on me. And separately the issue of men who just seem immature because they always have to talk about alcohol. I'm sure there are plenty of party chicks out there. But it is SO not my type. But I can come across as really social and extrovert if I'm rested, not stressed and had a drink or two.

    So, I guess also wondering if other people have dealt with the awkwardness of someone confusing you as a really different type than what you are. I find I've been getting annoyed at extroverts who operate in the world so much different than me and I'm trying not to be rude. But I am exhausted by their going out or wanting to go out or be with people all the time (I see it as a bit needy as I like doing some things alone and will do them regardless of who can go with me), pestering me all weekend with invites when I have a lot going on, or thinking I want to drink with them all the time or they make comments about what feels to me like invasion of my personal space (I wish I was hanging with you at your house right now they say, but I'm in the middle of cleaning, have an ant problem, enjoying my alone time and I don't really like entertaining at home, so that all sounds like a bad idea.

    I hate thinking/feeling like a bitch right now, I guess the extroverts who have been reaching out aren't people I really want to spend time with all that much despite that fact they want to spend time with me. Instead of feeling socially flattered and feel mildly pestered, especially if I'm getting a barrage of invites from someone I just saw. I find that unless I'm romantically into the person, I really don't want to see any of my friends more than once a week. There are a couple that maybe would be fine, but social interaction, especially with new people or when my energy is low is just not fun at all and I don't think extroverts get that fact. It seems they just want people to do with all the time and many won't even do things by themselves!

    So all that makes me feel drained and that they are sapping energy out of me, especially the ones that always want rides and get annoyed when you don't wait for them a the door of a venue. Please, we are adults. I don't get this level of neediness. If I'm at a place earlier or a person is late, I'm all about exploring or making myself comfortable, not waiting in some doorway. Am I missing some social skills? Or at least I find often that sometimes people drag the fun out of a situation and I can have a better time by myself.
    Whilst I do understand how you feel, I also see a lot of judgements of these people throughout this post. It doesn't make you a 'bitch', but, it does lack a bit of compassion and seems like you don't really care about your friends. And yet, you seem to be using a LOT of mental energy thinking of them, I mean, you were able to create paragraphs about how much it annoys you and how needy they are to you. In such a case, just be alone and be happy with it and don't use the mental energy on them? Your mind literally re-hashes that annoyed feeing whilst you write it all out --I mean surely doing that repetitively is far more draining than just spending a few moments with them? Just food for thought on what we focus our energy on.

  8. #8
    INFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Frankly My Dear View Post
    Whilst I do understand how you feel, I also see a lot of judgements of these people throughout this post. It doesn't make you a 'bitch', but, it does lack a bit of compassion and seems like you don't really care about your friends. And yet, you seem to be using a LOT of mental energy thinking of them, I mean, you were able to create paragraphs about how much it annoys you and how needy they are to you. In such a case, just be alone and be happy with it and don't use the mental energy on them? I mean surely that's far more draining than just spending a few moments with them.
    True. I did dump the friend who got huffy about me not waiting for her at a venue entrance. The drinking beach person isn't so much a "friend"... someone from my perspective who was trying to date me and I really avoid being friends with opposite sex because it gets confusing and they almost always want to sleep with you and they confuse friends with interest. I find it super uncomfortable knowing someone is more into me than I am into them as I suppose that is my compassion in not wanting to be a dick like other people have to me when they have led me on.

    But yeah, I realize I just tolerate a lot of people that I don't like all that much because I've struggled to find people who are a better fit for me. And at my age now, just finding people who are actually available and haven't disappeared to marriages and kids or moves away is incredibly hard at times, which makes me more depressed that I haven't found a secure and enjoyable romantic relationship, as that would meet a lot of basic companionship needs without disrupting my introversion, and having regular/rewarding company also makes me less cranky and more chill when socializing. But for now it is rather a gap of subpar options and having to let go more potential activity partners because it is men who want to date or kiss me and that's not what I want. Plus, I don't always want to carpool or go out with my 65 year old occasional dance partner when I am hoping to meet a man. I don't want to be spending all my weekends with "activity" friends or men who want to hook up with me or date me that I don't see a future with... especially when I want to be dating and have a romantic partner for fun, sex, relaxing, inspiring life. And I'm really not getting a boat load of fun with friends and rarely relax because I often relax best when alone or when with a romantic partner for the lounging/physical touch and doing nothing type of activities.

    Anyhow, thanks for letting me "type" -- some good insights I've discovered.
    neutralchaotic, DevilSlayerDante, L P and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Frankly My Dear View Post
    Whilst I do understand how you feel, I also see a lot of judgements of these people throughout this post. It doesn't make you a 'bitch', but, it does lack a bit of compassion and seems like you don't really care about your friends. And yet, you seem to be using a LOT of mental energy thinking of them, I mean, you were able to create paragraphs about how much it annoys you and how needy they are to you. In such a case, just be alone and be happy with it and don't use the mental energy on them? Your mind literally re-hashes that annoyed feeing whilst you write it all out --I mean surely doing that repetitively is far more draining than just spending a few moments with them? Just food for thought on what we focus our energy on.
    I have a question. If a person hasn't had any close friends all his life. All that he has had are superficial friendships (take note that I am calling the friendships superficial and not the people involved). What if after a long time (meaning more than a decade and a half) this person decides to overcome or override personal opinions about people? They still get on his nerves. He still dislikes them and almost everything about them. It is very hard tolerating them. But at the same time he does not want to remain alone. What then? Does your advice stand ground in that case. This is not a hypothetical situation. This is one of the central traumas of my life. The two alternatives that you mention here are neither of them applicable to me. Does it really matter that a person spend a lot of time both ways to come to a bafflement that will be judged legitimate?

    I think @citygirl here has a legitimate concern. Solitude is not a solution for noisy company.
    citygirl and odinthor thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by burningsoul View Post
    I have a question. If a person hasn't had any close friends all his life. All that he has had are superficial friendships (take note that I am calling the friendships superficial and not the people involved). What if after a long time (meaning more than a decade and a half) this person decides to overcome or override personal opinions about people? They still get on his nerves. He still dislikes them and almost everything about them. It is very hard tolerating them. But at the same time he does not want to remain alone. What then? Does your advice stand ground in that case. This is not a hypothetical situation. This is one of the central traumas of my life. The two alternatives that you mention here are neither of them applicable to me. Does it really matter that a person spend a lot of time both ways to come to a bafflement that will be judged legitimate?

    I think @citygirl here has a legitimate concern. Solitude is not a solution for noisy company.
    I never said her concern was not legitimate. Her concern could have been summarised in one paragraph rather than one page, making clear the amount of focus she is putting on these people when they aren't even around (thus draining her own self). Consequently, I urged her to pay attention to where she is focusing her energy. No need to make so many judgements about them being needy and annoying. For all we know these people could have anxiety and therefore want to meet out the front of venues. We just don't know.

    Your question: What then? Well then, if all the friendships experienced are merely superficial, then being alone would be better. Unless the needs in the friendship are mutual (e.g. you don't feel like a serious conversation, but you want to go and have a fun night, just for example). Quality over quantity in general, I believe.
    citygirl and Inluuk20 thanked this post.


     
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