[INFP] Being Understood - Page 2

Being Understood

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This is a discussion on Being Understood within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I want to be understood. Otherwise, why would I bother to reach out? Not wanting to be understood sounds like ...

  1. #11

    I want to be understood. Otherwise, why would I bother to reach out?
    Not wanting to be understood sounds like some inaccurately thrown stereotype.
    Just be you. MBTI types are overrated.
    Pinkieshyrose and odinthor thanked this post.

  2. #12

    I don't think I am afraid of that why would I be? I can find other way to be mysterious to another person someone will always find you "mysterious" though most just don't get me or find me a crazy odd ball if if you tell someone who understand a part of you is gone is it a identity at all?

  3. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by odinthor View Post
    Over at https://introvertdear.com/news/infp-...ll-them-apart/ I read the following passage:

    "INFPs, on the other hand, feel misunderstood because no one could possibly ever know them as well as they know themselves. However, interestingly, INFPs may not actually want to be fully understood, since it may entail losing some of their individually [sic] and being similar to other people. They may worry that they would lose some of their individuality if someone finally understood them."

    I am primarily interested in trying to understand the last sentence.

    Does it accurately describe the situation?

    If so, by what means would someone lose some of their individuality if someone finally understood them? Certainly, they would lose a certain degree of an air of mystery; but would they not in the final analysis still fully remain their authentic selves? (Not seeking to criticize it if it is so, just trying to gain an understanding of it.)
    I'm not really sure that those people really know, and that last sentence could be them grasping at an abstract idea.

    Coincidentally, I've been absent from here for a couple of months due to needing to focus on some life things, and I have to say that there was a bit of loneliness in it. Not that I didn't have people around me who I care about or who care for me, and my wife knows me better than anybody else, but none of those I'm regularly around are similar personality, and therefore can't "get me"(I suppose is the phrase).

    As for that last phrase in the article you read, when thinking about it, I like to be thought mysterious, but more so I hunger for a connection among my simpaticos. The odd thing is, and maybe this is really the reason nobody knows us that well . . . or it's just me, but it has to easily, naturally happen, or I'll just pass on the awkwardness of delving into it all.
    odinthor and L P thanked this post.

  4. #14

    I like to be mysterious, like @GusWriter said.

    I don't know if I'll ever be 'understood' but I want to be 'got'. Even if my motivations, values, and thoughts are not wholly clear to others, I want them to be respected. It's not necessary that they be respected by everyone (quite frankly I don't give a damn about those who I do not know), but that's Nice™ from those who I love.

    Not quite there yet with everyone..
    odinthor thanked this post.

  5. #15

    I really don't know, I don't think I really quite understand what it really means ultimately anyway.
    Last edited by Eren Jaegerbomb; 11-05-2019 at 08:24 AM.

  6. #16

    7. INFJs desire to be understood, while INFPs desire to be validated.

    Although both personalities can feel misunderstood, INFJs tend to feel marginalized because they understand other people well, but other people rarely fully understand them. INFPs, on the other hand, feel misunderstood because no one could possibly ever know them as well as they know themselves. However, interestingly, INFPs may not actually want to be fully understood, since it may entail losing some of their individually and being similar to other people. They may worry that they would lose some of their individuality if someone finally fully understood them. Rather than being fully understood, INFPs want others to validate that they have good intentions when it comes to their actions or ideas.

    The only reason why I wouldn't want to feel understood is because then I have the potential of being victim to ill willed people who might use my psychological information of me to use it against me/hurt me in some way. Like someone knows every move you're going to make.

    At the same time, it can be frustrating when I have to explain over and over why I do certain things etc because I'm "different". If people also understood how I work then that would save some arguments about not being sociable enough or whatever else.

    I guess I would like to stay mysterious though as being mysterious captivates some people, and it makes you more interesting to them. But then maybe if people are only going to befriend you because of that, they might end up dissapointed if we turn out to be quite normal but just reserved in some aspects. Even if we're still different, I don't think we're drastically different to anybody else that's different. I think there's only so many ways humans can be different.

    Anyway, they describe INFJs as being observing and find people "interesting". Well that definitely describes me to a T. I'm always observing. Not because I want to be nosy or have any malicious intentions, I just find people interesting to look at and watch because... I don't know why, I just do. And I like to understand people, and like to help them and guide them, even if I do seem pretentious from lack of personal experience in whatever. If you understand someone psychologically though, is it really pretentious to offer different types of advice? It's just.... fascinating.

    You know what, deep down inside, the only (okay well, besides my worries about my family & friends' lives), reason I'm scared of dying is because then I'll miss out on what changes in the world. I could observe the world from a distance forever. It's very interesting.
    Last edited by Eren Jaegerbomb; 11-05-2019 at 08:36 AM.
    BigApplePi, odinthor and L P thanked this post.

  7. #17

    Quote Originally Posted by odinthor View Post
    You are in good company. Your answer clarifies what I've seen (as a well-wisher) in many ENFPs and INFPs whom I respect; and I thank you.

    A certain amount of this is one's life experience. You're 60, I'm 65. Yes, most certainly, many people (not all people) try to manipulate one; whether it be consciously in a Machiavellian way or otherwise unconsciously in an excess of self-defense (along the lines of "the best defense is a good offense), there's no doubt it happens--or, should I say, there's no doubt that it's attempted.

    A certain amount of this is the good old Fi vs. Fe dichotomy. Fe's like myself by instinct immediately try to establish connections--not cynically, not as a means of control. And--in the Fe's estimation--the stronger the understanding, the stronger the potentialities of the connection (in other words, the more profound friendship). As I've attended to, and sometimes participated in, discussions of Fi, and Fi vs. Fe, I get a good glimmer of how Fi can feel perhaps violated or profaned by this (while in return the Fe feels unappreciated and rejected if it's not allowed to happen). The clash of Fi/Fe can't be resolved except by Fi conceiving that (healthy) Fe really is not trying to change or manipulate Fi (I make no claims for unhealthy Fe), and by Fe digesting the fact that Fi has inner areas which it protects not because of any perceived failings of the specific Fe-individual but because those areas are simply so personal and sacred (otherwise Fe is going to think, "Well, this Fi must not like me . . . he's closing off against me").

    I'm sincerely sorry that you've only had "poachers" on you in life. Please don't fault Understanding for this, because the problem on both sides is . . . people who don't (or can't) understand.
    Yea Fi is not about the other person when it "closes off", it's about itself, it's not closing the specific person off, it's protecting itself.

    But also like you say what Fe does and how it feels bad if it doesn't get to do what it does, and how Fi feels when Fe does what it does. There's no real fix because if Fe feels bad when it doesn't get to connect how it wants, what Fi has to sit there and endure the Fe process even if it doesn't like it? And of course does Fe have to sit in silence and feel bad enduring Fi's privacy? This also can't be understood and then lived by so easily because it's something felt, though you may understand it it doesn't help the fact that you feel the way you do, closed off or violated.
    odinthor thanked this post.

  8. #18

    My @INFP sister hates it when I show her I do understand exactly. The problem is (as I understand it) that it takes away from her unique-ness and current world view. When she knows I do understand exactly then it can only be because I experienced the same thing. Often her world view is set with “no one understands”. And definitely not the under-valued sister. So. I definitely understand exactly how it irks her. She gets frustrated, stamps out of the room and hordes whatever we were experiencing together. On shared memories she breaks off conversation as soon as she realizes I experienced the same. She is going to go re-frame the experience usually after me connecting like this. So.... this connection needs to be welcome. You don’t want to be completely understood by just anybody, especially someone who you want distance from and to usually forget about. She’s a E 4 though, she’s oriented to her sadness and uniqueness.

    This is just incidental but I heard a quote today From a book about family scape-goats that the “Scape goat child” is the one who sees their parent clearly and “will be made to suffer the full amount of what the parent suffers in being themselves.” Kind of fascinating.

    My INFP husband knows I understand him well, and it’s welcomed except for when he shuts down when he is feeling a lot of negative stuff. He doesn’t want me to have to go there. But it’s not the same as my sister, as having shared experiences and somehow the same capacity for pain or the same view of what happened. My husband is a 9 and his emotions are a bit more nebulous and somewhat suppressed and just all together different than mine, but understanding each other instinctually was always the biggest draw for both of us. I did not feel understood in any relationship as much as I do with him. It’s what I was seeking. He says it is what he was seeking. But still... different eyes.. empathy but not the exact wound like with my sister.
    odinthor thanked this post.

  9. #19
  10. #20

    Sometimes people think they completely understand, but they are missing part of it. Sure, the other may have been there, they may have heard, and may even know how we will outwardly react, but . . . how we feel inside? We can tell them, but the . . . looks on their faces if/when we say we were sorta lonely when the room was full of loved ones, just as an example.

    Introversion mixed with NP, I tell ya. We often, at the moment, don't really understand ourselves, how the heck is someone else going to? Plus, we likely don't want their help figuring it out at the time either. LOL.
    odinthor and Voyageur thanked this post.

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