[INFP] How do you let things go?

How do you let things go?

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This is a discussion on How do you let things go? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey hey, When I was younger I got into a car accident and I was at fault and refused to ...

  1. #1
    INFP

    How do you let things go?

    Hey hey,
    When I was younger I got into a car accident and I was at fault and refused to drive for a year and a half after. I was angry with myself and felt absolutely terrible and ashamed that I put someone else's life at stake. It wasn't even a serious wreck but I catastrophized it.
    About 5 months ago I stopped talking to someone I thought was genuine but who ended up being a very good liar, and he'd hurt a bunch of women, including me. I'm still beating myself up for not seeing the signs and am paranoid while dating now that the guys I'm talking to are liars or abusers, which means no second dates.
    When I was a kid I liked a guy so much and after a year he decided he didn't want to be with me. It cut me so bad I thought I was going to take my life...so instead I moved far away (the move was just a possibility as my dad's work was relocating, but I insisted we go and they listened). It took me 5 years to really get over him and all that time I wrote poems and music about him.

    Putting all this out there sounds crazy, and I'm not proud of it. I've been in a loop lately of not being able to forgive myself, then hating myself for not being able to forgive myself because I know other people are able to move on from things, but I can't. It's like I'm stuck with these really vivid memories and feelings and I can't let it go for a long time.

    Weirdly after saying this, I'm a cheerful person 85% of the time. People call me Sunny because I seem happy and I make them happy. But I'm really, really hard on myself and I wonder if this is part of an Fi-Si loop type of thing maybe. As other people who hold themselves to their morals, I'm sure when you break them you feel like you broke something sacred too, and that shakes you. Right?

    If you used to be really high strung, not able to relax really (I do things to relax but feel stressed all through them) how did you loosen up? I think some of the stress comes from thinking I could be somewhere else doing something else and being happier than I am now. And how on earth do you let things go that really MATTERED to you?



  2. #2

    I learned that the grass is never greener on the other side, and that I was being a self-absorbed twithead. Which was definitely true.

    I had to shake myself to realize that 1) no one cares 2) no one notices 3) no one will remember. It took over a year to get out of that cycle of replaying every scenario and conversation and interaction. I felt very dramatic mentally. It was tiring and just...not fun. Eventually, I was able to stop overreacting.

    My life is still a soap drama, but only sometimes (and no longer by my own doing). I stopped 'picking stuff up', so I have less to let go. Much of what used to really get under my skin, or affect me, no longer matters to me. Most of what I experience is not a big deal, and that's okay. I still remember what happens, but it's not a drastic mood killer, nor does it stop me from continuing on.

    TL;DR: If it's not going to bother me in a month, then it shouldn't bother me right now <-- my recent motto.

  3. #3

    Not very well, let me tell you, still working on that...
    saph thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I will still occasionally think of something dumb I said or did a couple of decades ago and cringe momentarily before I shake it off, remembering I've learned some since then and am at least slightly wiser.

    My turning point was when I learned to tell myself: I'm not going to be perfect, I'm not going to go through life without mistakes, I can't expect others to be any less flawed, and I'm not going to go through life without pain. But the times of pain or despair, just make the good times that much better. Life will be a journey of valleys and peaks, and looking back after many years, I learned more from the valleys.

    In regards to a lot of guys being jerks, or not knowing how to handle things better, try not to let them ruin romance for you. Not everyone will be that way. Love can be messy. Most of us, guys and gals, have had our hearts broken at some point, but many eventually find "the one".

    Wish you well.
    saph, neutralchaotic and Negotiator thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFP

    Thank you all for replying! I know I kind of shitpost on here just whenever I'm sad haha but it makes me feel better that someone sees me.
    I aim to be less affected and swooped up in my emotional reactions to things, and sometimes I'm better than others. I'm still learning how to remain steady in a strong wind ya know? And thank you for reminding me other people make mistakes too. It is a kind of self-focus I fall into where my mistakes seem so heavy and no one could possibly understand hahaha. It's ridiculous. I can't be perfect. Duh. I think a lot of it comes from comparison with other people, when other people seem to have so much good going on and my only good stuff is the stuff I'm pushing myself to do. I was out of it this week, unable to do the things that made me happy, so I ended up getting sucked into this.

    I wish you all well, too! :)
    Scoobyscoob thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by saph View Post
    Thank you all for replying! I know I kind of shitpost on here just whenever I'm sad haha but it makes me feel better that someone sees me.
    I aim to be less affected and swooped up in my emotional reactions to things, and sometimes I'm better than others. I'm still learning how to remain steady in a strong wind ya know? And thank you for reminding me other people make mistakes too. It is a kind of self-focus I fall into where my mistakes seem so heavy and no one could possibly understand hahaha. It's ridiculous. I can't be perfect. Duh. I think a lot of it comes from comparison with other people, when other people seem to have so much good going on and my only good stuff is the stuff I'm pushing myself to do. I was out of it this week, unable to do the things that made me happy, so I ended up getting sucked into this.

    I wish you all well, too! :)
    Sometimes the week can be trying and really test your patience. Hope things look up for you from here on out, bright eyes. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by saph View Post
    Hey hey,
    When I was younger I got into a car accident and I was at fault and refused to drive for a year and a half after. I was angry with myself and felt absolutely terrible and ashamed that I put someone else's life at stake. It wasn't even a serious wreck but I catastrophized it.
    About 5 months ago I stopped talking to someone I thought was genuine but who ended up being a very good liar, and he'd hurt a bunch of women, including me. I'm still beating myself up for not seeing the signs and am paranoid while dating now that the guys I'm talking to are liars or abusers, which means no second dates.
    When I was a kid I liked a guy so much and after a year he decided he didn't want to be with me. It cut me so bad I thought I was going to take my life...so instead I moved far away (the move was just a possibility as my dad's work was relocating, but I insisted we go and they listened). It took me 5 years to really get over him and all that time I wrote poems and music about him.

    Putting all this out there sounds crazy, and I'm not proud of it. I've been in a loop lately of not being able to forgive myself, then hating myself for not being able to forgive myself because I know other people are able to move on from things, but I can't. It's like I'm stuck with these really vivid memories and feelings and I can't let it go for a long time.

    Weirdly after saying this, I'm a cheerful person 85% of the time. People call me Sunny because I seem happy and I make them happy. But I'm really, really hard on myself and I wonder if this is part of an Fi-Si loop type of thing maybe. As other people who hold themselves to their morals, I'm sure when you break them you feel like you broke something sacred too, and that shakes you. Right?

    If you used to be really high strung, not able to relax really (I do things to relax but feel stressed all through them) how did you loosen up? I think some of the stress comes from thinking I could be somewhere else doing something else and being happier than I am now. And how on earth do you let things go that really MATTERED to you?
    Oh wow, well that's really rough.

    It's hard to let go of something that mattered a lot to you. Mostly time heals all, but there are times that maybe the moment just wasn't right and you have bigger and better things in store for you, so to keep looking forward to the future.
    saph thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Meditation helped me loosen up. There were so many tensions in the body that were habitual. It feels like melting ice when you first start vipassana. Being aware of any content in the mind, tensions in the body, and not following the thoughts, and relaxing the body consistently, really helps.
    saph thanked this post.

  8. #8

    I meditate and I do the Marie kondo method

    I think I had ptsd from some stuff that happened to me
    but it helps
    like your asking me how do you let go
    I feel letting go is by feeling it and letting it leave on its own time then you get pockets of joy as the queer eye guy says
    also by literally getting rid of any of your belongings you don't absolutely need that doesn't spark joy as at least for me there usually attached to the feeling I found out recently someone I thought was joking was probably right I am a bit of a hoarder comfort is my coping skill the problem is just coping and nothing else if you don't like it
    but yeah im serious infact marie is labeled a infp
    and I think everyone can do meditation

    Its hard but this stuff helps Though I think I have ptsd

    however this definitely helps.
    I believe by the way im sorry for what your going through I hope things get better
    saph thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I've studied and adopted many of the principles of stoicism especially that of negative meditation. It has helped me a lot in learning to be more relaxed in life and to operate without so much anxiety.
    Negotiator thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP

    Time and age are great healers. I do believe, after years of beating up on yourself, you will become very fatigued, and quit. And time after time ...... if you get early onset dementia, like me, you won't remember a g** d***, thing or person anyways. I'm going to hold SOME grudges into the next 400 lifetimes, but if I start to feel pity for an offender, I might come around w/a little forgiveness. Sooooo... how do I let things go? It really depends. But time has been my friend. My bff... totally. Give it a try --- live another 30 years, I'll bet you won't remember half the things you are now thinking about.


     
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