When I was younger I got into a car accident and I was at fault and refused to drive for a year and a half after. I was angry with myself and felt absolutely terrible and ashamed that I put someone else's life at stake. It wasn't even a serious wreck but I catastrophized it.
About 5 months ago I stopped talking to someone I thought was genuine but who ended up being a very good liar, and he'd hurt a bunch of women, including me. I'm still beating myself up for not seeing the signs and am paranoid while dating now that the guys I'm talking to are liars or abusers, which means no second dates.
When I was a kid I liked a guy so much and after a year he decided he didn't want to be with me. It cut me so bad I thought I was going to take my life...so instead I moved far away (the move was just a possibility as my dad's work was relocating, but I insisted we go and they listened). It took me 5 years to really get over him and all that time I wrote poems and music about him.
Putting all this out there sounds crazy, and I'm not proud of it. I've been in a loop lately of not being able to forgive myself, then hating myself for not being able to forgive myself because I know other people are able to move on from things, but I can't. It's like I'm stuck with these really vivid memories and feelings and I can't let it go for a long time.
Weirdly after saying this, I'm a cheerful person 85% of the time. People call me Sunny because I seem happy and I make them happy. But I'm really, really hard on myself and I wonder if this is part of an Fi-Si loop type of thing maybe. As other people who hold themselves to their morals, I'm sure when you break them you feel like you broke something sacred too, and that shakes you. Right?
If you used to be really high strung, not able to relax really (I do things to relax but feel stressed all through them) how did you loosen up? I think some of the stress comes from thinking I could be somewhere else doing something else and being happier than I am now. And how on earth do you let things go that really MATTERED to you?