Wellsy - have you got any insights for me? See below for my long, drawn out ENTP/INFP fall apart story ...
I'll be grateful for any gentle pointers ...
Well perhaps you can shed some light - although my love is a male INFP. We've had a 20-month relationship, both mature adults - call that middle-aged - and it has been very full on for both of us. He shares his home with two adult daughters (in years, that is, 25 and 28), both of whom are a bit different - one severely alcoholic, the other a recovered anorexic/bulimic - both intelligent, both working and well-educated, but psychologically 'vulnerable'. I don't need to tell you then what it was to enter that household as his first serious lover since his marriage broke down a decade earlier ...
He has been wonderful to me and I adore him - but at the same time as being wonderful to me, has always put me second to his job and his daughters. He has been crazy about me - but at the same time shown tremendous, excruciating shyness in social situations that involve people we each know. I of course met his friends, he met mine ... but it has been difficult all along. Alone together we have been happier and more content and safe than both of us have experienced for a long time. Etc, etc.
After 20 months (!) I asked him for a commitment ... as in, make it clear to your daughters that I have status in your life and that my needs count A LOT, too - it was obvious we couldn't live together since their co-dependent triangle made that impossible - I mean, would YOU want to live as an adult woman in a house inhabited by 2 other adult women who are entirely joined at the hip to their father??? And he wasn't going to put them out.
This lead to a crisis ... He said he needed 'a break' - I let him go without a fight. I stayed away ... he chased me in a panic. He has kept in touch throughout this 'break' ... I have contacted him a few times, but always very low key and very occasional (he knows I love him ...) but he has sms'd me and kept in touch. Finally, after three weeks, he texted me to ask if we could have dinner later in the week ... I said yes ... I will not bore you with the details, but it is now a fortnight later during which time he has reneged on two dinner invitations, sent me several long and detailed texts about everything he is doing and then finally asked me if he could 'catch up' on the phone ... after an hour's very nice conversation ... and several nice texts the next day ... it is now Saturday, two weeks later ... and nothing
I have been around a few men in my life ... as you do, by the time you get to my age :-) ... and in my experience men who are not interested are not around, finished. And the idea that a man is 'just playing you for his ego' I find to be a very shallow way of understanding people in general.
This has man and I have been intense lovers for 20 months, he has given me beautiful, loving gifts, and in his own quiet way has always been there to 'do' for me ... But when the time came to work on his relationship with his 'girls' and make room for me in a real way ... Well, here I am!
I adore him and am well past the angry stage ... I realise that he felt he had to do something and I believe he is an intensely civilised man ... but an INFP absolutely by the book ... shame, guilt, shyness, silence, very careful, very sweet ... not to mention very well educated and a deep, deeeep thinker.
So ... if you can de-code AND give me some strategy to help him trust me again (and of course I do need that commitment ...) ... I will be very grateful.
(I do NOT need a brutal kick in the pants by the way ... do bare in mind that I have been through the wringer with my man and don't need to be harmed ...)
Thanks for your considered INFP opinion :-)