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This is a discussion on Non-INFPs, ask INFPs relationship questions or come and chat! within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Wellsy - have you got any insights for me? See below for my long, drawn out ENTP/INFP fall apart story ...

  1. #11
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Wellsy - have you got any insights for me? See below for my long, drawn out ENTP/INFP fall apart story ...
    I'll be grateful for any gentle pointers ...

    Well perhaps you can shed some light - although my love is a male INFP. We've had a 20-month relationship, both mature adults - call that middle-aged - and it has been very full on for both of us. He shares his home with two adult daughters (in years, that is, 25 and 28), both of whom are a bit different - one severely alcoholic, the other a recovered anorexic/bulimic - both intelligent, both working and well-educated, but psychologically 'vulnerable'. I don't need to tell you then what it was to enter that household as his first serious lover since his marriage broke down a decade earlier ...
    He has been wonderful to me and I adore him - but at the same time as being wonderful to me, has always put me second to his job and his daughters. He has been crazy about me - but at the same time shown tremendous, excruciating shyness in social situations that involve people we each know. I of course met his friends, he met mine ... but it has been difficult all along. Alone together we have been happier and more content and safe than both of us have experienced for a long time. Etc, etc.
    After 20 months (!) I asked him for a commitment ... as in, make it clear to your daughters that I have status in your life and that my needs count A LOT, too - it was obvious we couldn't live together since their co-dependent triangle made that impossible - I mean, would YOU want to live as an adult woman in a house inhabited by 2 other adult women who are entirely joined at the hip to their father??? And he wasn't going to put them out.
    This lead to a crisis ... He said he needed 'a break' - I let him go without a fight. I stayed away ... he chased me in a panic. He has kept in touch throughout this 'break' ... I have contacted him a few times, but always very low key and very occasional (he knows I love him ...) but he has sms'd me and kept in touch. Finally, after three weeks, he texted me to ask if we could have dinner later in the week ... I said yes ... I will not bore you with the details, but it is now a fortnight later during which time he has reneged on two dinner invitations, sent me several long and detailed texts about everything he is doing and then finally asked me if he could 'catch up' on the phone ... after an hour's very nice conversation ... and several nice texts the next day ... it is now Saturday, two weeks later ... and nothing
    I have been around a few men in my life ... as you do, by the time you get to my age :-) ... and in my experience men who are not interested are not around, finished. And the idea that a man is 'just playing you for his ego' I find to be a very shallow way of understanding people in general.
    This has man and I have been intense lovers for 20 months, he has given me beautiful, loving gifts, and in his own quiet way has always been there to 'do' for me ... But when the time came to work on his relationship with his 'girls' and make room for me in a real way ... Well, here I am!
    I adore him and am well past the angry stage ... I realise that he felt he had to do something and I believe he is an intensely civilised man ... but an INFP absolutely by the book ... shame, guilt, shyness, silence, very careful, very sweet ... not to mention very well educated and a deep, deeeep thinker.
    So ... if you can de-code AND give me some strategy to help him trust me again (and of course I do need that commitment ...) ... I will be very grateful.
    (I do NOT need a brutal kick in the pants by the way ... do bare in mind that I have been through the wringer with my man and don't need to be harmed ...)
    Thanks for your considered INFP opinion :-)
    Belle Chat thanked this post.

  2. #12
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Where do you go to find an INFP, than if you do find one how does an INTP go about getting to know one with out scaring them off?

  3. #13
    Unknown Personality


    I'm sorry you had to go through this, I can understand your frustration.

    Quote Originally Posted by antqueen View Post
    Well perhaps you can shed some light - although my love is a male INFP. We've had a 20-month relationship, both mature adults - call that middle-aged - and it has been very full on for both of us. He shares his home with two adult daughters (in years, that is, 25 and 28), both of whom are a bit different - one severely alcoholic, the other a recovered anorexic/bulimic - both intelligent, both working and well-educated, but psychologically 'vulnerable'. I don't need to tell you then what it was to enter that household as his first serious lover since his marriage broke down a decade earlier ...
    The fact that he is INFP suggests that he will need more time to adjust to the change (emotionally).


    Quote Originally Posted by antqueen View Post
    He has been wonderful to me and I adore him - but at the same time as being wonderful to me, has always put me second to his job and his daughters. He has been crazy about me - but at the same time shown tremendous, excruciating shyness in social situations that involve people we each know. I of course met his friends, he met mine ... but it has been difficult all along. Alone together we have been happier and more content and safe than both of us have experienced for a long time. Etc, etc.
    After 20 months (!) I asked him for a commitment ... as in, make it clear to your daughters that I have status in your life and that my needs count A LOT, too - it was obvious we couldn't live together since their co-dependent triangle made that impossible - I mean, would YOU want to live as an adult woman in a house inhabited by 2 other adult women who are entirely joined at the hip to their father??? And he wasn't going to put them out.
    This lead to a crisis ... He said he needed 'a break' - I let him go without a fight. I stayed away ... he chased me in a panic. He has kept in touch throughout this 'break' ... I have contacted him a few times, but always very low key and very occasional (he knows I love him ...) but he has sms'd me and kept in touch. Finally, after three weeks, he texted me to ask if we could have dinner later in the week ... I said yes ... I will not bore you with the details, but it is now a fortnight later during which time he has reneged on two dinner invitations, sent me several long and detailed texts about everything he is doing and then finally asked me if he could 'catch up' on the phone ... after an hour's very nice conversation ... and several nice texts the next day ... it is now Saturday, two weeks later ... and nothing
    This is typical unhealthy INFP behaviour. It seems like he genuinely cares for you, the problem is you've hit him where it hurts (family, career). He's put himself in a very comfortable position, it's obvious he lets his daughters rely on him because he's still wounded. When you asked him to put you ahead of his other priorities, you were actually asking him to put his comfort aside for something different and foreign to him. His daughters living with him are just a sign of is emotionally unhealthy state. He's not sure if he's emotionally ready to deal with the change or if it's worth it so he told you to take a break. This is not personal, this guy seems to have problems and someone needs to push him out of his comfort zone. He's in a slump and he's comfortable, so, in his mind, why should he change?
    This is why he's been very flaky, he wants you and he wants to maintain his current lifestyle. He's not sure what he wants, you or his unhealthy lifestyle. He probably wants everything to go back to before, when you were content to put up with being second to his unhealthy life. It's good you gave him an ultimatum, he has to realise he needs to change.


    Quote Originally Posted by antqueen View Post
    I have been around a few men in my life ... as you do, by the time you get to my age :-) ... and in my experience men who are not interested are not around, finished. And the idea that a man is 'just playing you for his ego' I find to be a very shallow way of understanding people in general.
    No, he's not playing with your ego. He just doesn't know what he wants right now and he's recognising his unhealthy state.

    Quote Originally Posted by antqueen View Post
    This has man and I have been intense lovers for 20 months, he has given me beautiful, loving gifts, and in his own quiet way has always been there to 'do' for me ... But when the time came to work on his relationship with his 'girls' and make room for me in a real way ... Well, here I am!
    I adore him and am well past the angry stage ... I realise that he felt he had to do something and I believe he is an intensely civilised man ... but an INFP absolutely by the book ... shame, guilt, shyness, silence, very careful, very sweet ... not to mention very well educated and a deep, deeeep thinker.
    So ... if you can de-code AND give me some strategy to help him trust me again (and of course I do need that commitment ...) ... I will be very grateful.
    (I do NOT need a brutal kick in the pants by the way ... do bare in mind that I have been through the wringer with my man and don't need to be harmed ...)
    Thanks for your considered INFP opinion :-)
    It's not about you. It's about him and the life he's set up for himself. It seems like he does care for you and you are important to him but you represent change and he's too comfortable or scared to change.

    Does that help? :)
    Invidia, mushr00m, itza and 5 others thanked this post.

  4. #14
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Ratchet85008 View Post
    Where do you go to find an INFP, than if you do find one how does an INTP go about getting to know one with out scaring them off?
    I have a few INTP friends (I live with one, am really good friends with a couple of others). I don't think you need to overthink anything really. I definitely appreciate the intellectual aspect, and I like that they understand the importance of space. Don't be too aggressive. As for where to meet, I'm unsure as I don't think I have any close INFP friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by absyrd View Post
    Why did you have to share every last detail of our relationship with your family? They didn't need to know our business.
    Is that really an INFP-specific problem though? Surely it just depends on the person. Inappropriate problem dumping is hardly restricted to one type. Personally, I tell few people not a lot about me.
    Crimson Ash, Cappuccino, Galaxies and 2 others thanked this post.

  5. #15
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Ratchet85008 View Post
    Where do you go to find an INFP, than if you do find one how does an INTP go about getting to know one with out scaring them off?
    Spend one day with me, for some reason I attract them like a magnet. Actually it's hard to say exactly where... this is a thread about it, though. According to that thread, bookstores, coffee shops (PerC, too) and the beach but you can find them anywhere. You just have to look for that person that's spending their time alone.

    How not to scare us off? Be polite. We're like all humans, we want respect. The only way we differ is if you attack our values/judge or mock us, we're not interested in wasting our time bantering with immature people.
    beachpeach, Acey, mushr00m and 29 others thanked this post.

  6. #16
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Galaxies View Post
    We're like all humans.

    Thats the problem We INTPs are not human, we are computers in the form of a human.. and I believe I have at one time know an INFP and just being around her talking to her semi daily helped me to be more humen and less of a robot.
    I have however now been alone for the better part of a year now and i dont work with many people, so im pretty much full on INTP mode. We over think everything and feelings dont really play a part of that.
    That reminds me to ask... do INFPs over think there feelings the way a INTP would over think all the facts?
    ... I cant remember where I was going with this, but your input is appreciated.
    barbalootSuits, beachpeach, ptarmigan and 6 others thanked this post.

  7. #17
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Ratchet85008 View Post
    Thats the problem We INTPs are not human, we are computers in the form of a human.. and I believe I have at one time know an INFP and just being around her talking to her semi daily helped me to be more humen and less of a robot.
    I have however now been alone for the better part of a year now and i dont work with many people, so im pretty much full on INTP mode. We over think everything and feelings dont really play a part of that.
    That reminds me to ask... do INFPs over think there feelings the way a INTP would over think all the facts?
    ... I cant remember where I was going with this, but your input is appreciated.
    Yeah, we definitely over think our feelings (Ne) and it gets a bit too much sometimes. I see INTPs as the thinking version of INFPs and it has to do with the Ne-Si function stacking similarity. If INFPs look at something, we decide if it suits our value systems, you decide whether it matches your logic, we both then come up with an infinite number of possibilities. INTPs and INFPs are also hard to know because we're always in our heads (due to our dominant introverted judging function).

    My friend is an INTP, we get along fine because we have the same taste and we like discussing theories. Admittedly, we don't always understand each other but he's one of the few people I don't want to murder when we do study groups because Ne-Si helps me learn the topic much better.
    mushr00m, Lady Starbird, TwistedMuses and 22 others thanked this post.

  8. #18
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by absyrd View Post
    Why did you have to share every last detail of our relationship with your family? They didn't need to know our business.
    I'm INFP and I would never do that, I would feel going behind your back and breaching our understanding of trust. I need to talk to someone about me and a prospective partner, it would be with someone my partner has no interactions with herself.
    Acey, sensei.of.slow, sensei.of.slow and 25 others thanked this post.

  9. #19
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Galaxies View Post
    He's not sure if he's emotionally ready to deal with the change or if it's worth it
    @antqueen

    Careful, careful, careful, this "worth it" sounds like a conscious value judgement, I very much doubt that's the case here. Comfort Zone makes sense, but then you must understand how hard it is for us be comfortable. Anyways, the fellow INFP in question is trapped in what i call a desirable-loop: Like in the movies, the real conflict is not between good and evil but two goods, two things deseriable, but not achievable at the same time. The movie hero makes a decision, the INFP procrastinates...
    barbalootSuits, Invidia, RuthBoaz and 13 others thanked this post.

  10. #20
    INFJ - The Protectors


    Do you guys like giving advice ?

    I have a very close INFP friend in person who I confide in often but I do limit myself for no other reason than I'm super intense and I don't want to drown out our friendship. I have no problem managing 'me' with other people. But with her, she just is the counselor to the counselor in a way. I think it is because if I post in the INFJ forum something, their perceptions aren't as "open" in a way.

    Like, INFP can look at things with a more flexible point of view ...
    and I need that while sorting things out in my head.

    Anyways, I was just wondering, if you guys even LIKE giving advice or helping people sort out shit in their head. I kinda always worry and feel guilty that I'm being a problem, or that I'm burdening the other person or something. My other best friend is an ENTP and he is really good at doing the same thing as INFP, and in a way, I need the logical part when sorting things out in my head. But INFP seems to be able to handle the "emotional" intensity better. I'm actually detached from it in a way as in I don't FEEL it as intensely as it is. Hope that made sense.

    So essentially this long rambly question is really me making sure I'm not over stepping my bounds. Like, would an INFP even ADMIT they hate taking on that role if they knew someone needed it. Probably not. because you guys are too nice sometimes. :p

    But seriously, I want to know, BRUTAL HONEST please!


     
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