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This is a discussion on Non-INFPs, ask INFPs relationship questions or come and chat! within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Ningsta Kitty Do you guys like giving advice ? On a personal level yes I do like ...

  1. #21

    Quote Originally Posted by Ningsta Kitty View Post
    Do you guys like giving advice ?
    On a personal level yes I do like giving advice. But life experiences have forced me to face the full brunt of several people giving me a "glass full of emotional trouble" if you will.

    I would never hate taking on that role, and I find that I'm very good at shifting through a persons emotional trouble and helping them realize how to deal with it. With that being said its up to the person to limit or otherwise contain themselves as to the amount they wish to divulge.

    Currently though I'm not accepting any withdrawals, but in the future I see myself being weary about how much I allow someone to unload on me. But knowing me I would still allow it because I'm such a nice person.


    Thats brutal honesty in a nutshell I should think. =)
    OrangeAppled, mushr00m, Aldys and 7 others thanked this post.

  2. #22
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by antqueen View Post
    post
    I agree that the fact he is not paying adequate attention to you and more to others is not a good sign. Could you explain what has happened/been said as a result of taking this up with him, I assume you have . I mean adding all the details into account e.g the nice text messages, dinner, these are still affectionate tokens of love but im guessing its the frequency and then the not holding up at the end, I admit I myself am terrible with keeping up with frequent gestures, sometimes to the point of being quite neglectful, however, it is not always a good sign, do you think the chemistry between you two is genuine when you are together. I say this because perhaps he really does need some space and relationships can be quite taxing on this brand of introverts head space, if only to be able to be better at giving affection later. Despite that though, when I am enamoured with somebody, it's likely I will do lots of little things to show how much I care for them. Whatever it is though, he needs to talk about why he's spending time away or being distant, I mentioned this at the beginning, you need to find out the reasons for this in a diplomatic way, this seems to be relationship dealer or breaker when you hear it from the horses mouth himself! Say how neglected you feel and try to incorporate together some plan for spending adequate time together, talking these issues out will either benefit the relationship or you will know where it is heading. Erm, anyway, that's ma humble piece of advice. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this and just hope things work out with your INFP.
    Last edited by mushr00m; 07-27-2013 at 10:46 AM. Reason: typo

  3. #23
    INFP - The Idealists

    @antqueen

    It is also very likely that he knows his daughters need help and are not self-sufficient, and as their parent feels more loyal to them (after 20 some years) than to you (after 20 some months.) It does not mean he cares less for you, but INFPs also tend to put their own needs on the back burner for those they care about at times, and this may be what is happening. Who knows why he has guilt - maybe he feels he failed his daughters when his marriage dissolved, so letting them stay with him well into adulthood is him trying his best to make things right and be there for them. I doubt you will win him over by pushing him into a decision he is not ready to make, or by making him choose between you and his children. I agree that the situation seems very co-dependent - perhaps suggest counseling for his daughters, and come up with a plan to help them get on their own two feet, set them up together in an apartment they can afford, etc. but only if all three are open to the idea.

    We can sometimes rely on Si in an unhealthy manner and become stuck in a rut, so massage his Ne, get some ideas bouncing around between the two of you as how to remedy this situation together instead of making it you vs. him. Ask him what he would be willing to do now to show he is committed, and see how that goes :)
    renna, renna, renna and 32 others thanked this post.

  4. #24
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Ningsta Kitty View Post
    Do you guys like giving advice ?

    I have a very close INFP friend in person who I confide in often but I do limit myself for no other reason than I'm super intense and I don't want to drown out our friendship. I have no problem managing 'me' with other people. But with her, she just is the counselor to the counselor in a way. I think it is because if I post in the INFJ forum something, their perceptions aren't as "open" in a way.

    Like, INFP can look at things with a more flexible point of view ...
    and I need that while sorting things out in my head.

    Anyways, I was just wondering, if you guys even LIKE giving advice or helping people sort out shit in their head. I kinda always worry and feel guilty that I'm being a problem, or that I'm burdening the other person or something. My other best friend is an ENTP and he is really good at doing the same thing as INFP, and in a way, I need the logical part when sorting things out in my head. But INFP seems to be able to handle the "emotional" intensity better. I'm actually detached from it in a way as in I don't FEEL it as intensely as it is. Hope that made sense.

    So essentially this long rambly question is really me making sure I'm not over stepping my bounds. Like, would an INFP even ADMIT they hate taking on that role if they knew someone needed it. Probably not. because you guys are too nice sometimes. :p

    But seriously, I want to know, BRUTAL HONEST please!
    I like to give advice as long as I'm not way out of my comfort zone. Amongst my friends I'm often turned to for giving an educated guess even on stuff I know nothing about. Giving advice makes me feel useful; when it's advice for dealing with people (i.e. like in this thread) I feel it's a use of a skill, in a way. My heart is warmed a little when people turn to me for help.

    I think I can deal with intensity. I know (I've never been in a situation where I would have been able to, mind) that if went to someone else for help, say another INFP, I would immediately feel guilty that I'm burdening them. But if it were me on the receiving end I don't think I'd be bothered. People need to let out their problems, I understand that, I'm willing to listen.

    As to your end point, if I really didn't want to bother I probably still would out of guilt. That person has turned to me after all. Even if it's someone I dislike (as long as it's not someone I hate) either tears or the word 'help' make me go 'd'awww of course I'll talk to you for hours'. By the end of their rant, I will often have become interested in their problem. If it becomes a repeat issue I might eventually say 'I don't want to keep being your counsellor' but mostly I wouldn't. Yes, we are nice.
    ptarmigan, Lacryma, itza and 3 others thanked this post.

  5. #25
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Ratchet85008 View Post
    Where do you go to find an INFP, than if you do find one how does an INTP go about getting to know one with out scaring them off?
    Im starting to think that online might be one of the more common places to chat to one, actually that's true for many cases. Perhaps at a music concert or some other atmosphere that's creative.
    BearyDiverse thanked this post.

  6. #26
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by Ratchet85008 View Post
    Where do you go to find an INFP, than if you do find one how does an INTP go about getting to know one with out scaring them off?
    I'd like to know this as well. I'm an INFP, but have no idea of where to go to find other INFPs. That said, I seem to be good at finding INTPs, since all of my friends have typed as such.
    Lady Starbird, itza and Ema Lee thanked this post.

  7. #27
    INFP - The Idealists

    @mushr00m is right. You'll find so many INFPs online, which (to me) is actually kind of embarrassing.

    I don't think it matters if you're female or male either. I know a couple of INFP females, that's just like myself in this respect.

    So, where would you find INFPs in real life? I'm afraid the other INFPs I know, are very reclusive. In a friendship circle, they're usually the one that a friend tries to single out and ask for advice. In the work environment, they're likely to be friendly and very well equipped to resolve conflict. Look for someone that tries to act extroverted at times, but seems mostly very much in their head. Usually very high in empathy, they'll likely be able to relate with you and others. If you're an INTP @Ratchet85008 ...don't just "show" your softer side, "be" your softer side. This is something that you'll probably forever have to be, if you want a healthy relationship with an INFP. ...in my opinion.
    ptarmigan, renna, renna and 18 others thanked this post.

  8. #28
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Galaxies View Post
    I'm sorry you had to go through this, I can understand your frustration.

    The fact that he is INFP suggests that he will need more time to adjust to the change (emotionally).




    This is typical unhealthy INFP behaviour. It seems like he genuinely cares for you, the problem is you've hit him where it hurts (family, career). He's put himself in a very comfortable position, it's obvious he lets his daughters rely on him because he's still wounded. When you asked him to put you ahead of his other priorities, you were actually asking him to put his comfort aside for something different and foreign to him. His daughters living with him are just a sign of is emotionally unhealthy state. He's not sure if he's emotionally ready to deal with the change or if it's worth it so he told you to take a break. This is not personal, this guy seems to have problems and someone needs to push him out of his comfort zone. He's in a slump and he's comfortable, so, in his mind, why should he change?
    This is why he's been very flaky, he wants you and he wants to maintain his current lifestyle. He's not sure what he wants, you or his unhealthy lifestyle. He probably wants everything to go back to before, when you were content to put up with being second to his unhealthy life. It's good you gave him an ultimatum, he has to realise he needs to change.




    No, he's not playing with your ego. He just doesn't know what he wants right now and he's recognising his unhealthy state.



    It's not about you. It's about him and the life he's set up for himself. It seems like he does care for you and you are important to him but you represent change and he's too comfortable or scared to change.

    Does that help? :)
    Yes, very rich and very intuitive - thank you! Your insights are as emotionally in touch as one would expect from an INFP :-)

    Especially succinct is your comment: "His daughters living with him are just a sign of is emotionally unhealthy state. He's not sure if he's emotionally ready to deal with the change or if it's worth it so he told you to take a break."

    You know, the thing about ENTPs is they will flex and recalibrate in all sorts of ways to accommodate relationship ... until we've tied ourselves in knots and then, when we still don't get what we want, become resentful and hurt because the other is really just managing their own stuff ... not mine.

    Yes, of course you're right and have nutshelled it - he cares but not at the expense of change. Having been so burned in his marriage and having two such damaged children, I understand that he crept out after a decade and took a HUGE risk getting involved with me ...
    As soon as I saw the issue with his kids I knew there was a huge problem afoot but, in characteristic fashion, risked everything for love ... as it were.
    And of course I brought my own 'stuff' to the situation and the challenge for ME in all this is to find a calm, centered space for myself because I became INCREDIBLY needy for a few weeks ... although he kept showing up throughout that, it was very trying for him because of course he couldn't do anything about that, either. Blah blah blah - trust me, I have the capacity to do a lot of work on myself.

    Now, woman to woman, how much contact do you think I can initiate with him? Obviously I would love to be able to see and speak with him - but he is a man, even if an INFP! I've been very respectful up to now and certainly don't want to invade his (phone) space and make him uncomfortable. But I do feel its important to let him know I'm still around because I understand you INFPs can go so far into yourselves you leave us behind entirely!

    If you have time, your 'take' will be appreciated.

    Thx, Antqueen
    itza and jasonironstone thanked this post.

  9. #29

    @antqueen

    What to do? hahaha I wouldn't have a clue because this is compiled of tough decisions.

    I don't feel that I have the answers for you Miss, because you're smart enough to understand and act how you like, I don't know the man regardless of his type. All I could do at best is point out some perspectives.
    Confront him about this issue and talk it out, pressure would make him uncomfortable but it might get him moving or just stress him, who knows. But I bet he could wait and not act a lot longer than you'll remain patient for the what could be.
    Could discuss with him or directly to the daughters about looking for a place but must take into consideration their earnings, cost of living and all that, might be impractical for them.
    This situation is too deep for my life experiences, seems iffy for a 21 one sheltered boy to be giving advice to a middle age woman on how to deal with relationship problems. To me this is something that there is no magic answer to, you know how things are, there's no easy way about it. He could be worth it and if you press on perhaps it'll pay out, perhaps it'll take the unfortunate turn and you can wait no longer for him to take action.
    antqueen thanked this post.

  10. #30

    @Ningsta Kitty

    Yes, I enjoy trying to help people in this way. People seem to respond positively to me comforting them, makes me feel useful, it seems to come more naturally for me because of my personality than it does to some others. I feel find moving towards such discomfort in individuals because it's what's most enjoyable about people. Their human flaws and their struggles.
    I would have to be very tired to deny someone the opportunity for a serious talk, I may make point that I won't be as responsive or something because of my state. Example being on New Years a friend got teary and I was really drunk, I seemed to have done alright in supporting her in a sensitive moment but not ideal and I expressed that I would be pretty shit because it's hard to think and then articulate those thoughts.

    Also if you're bothering me, you won't get responses. I'll probably be more quiet than usual and even say I feel shit, I have no intentions of doing much, understand this hahaha I can get a bit apathetic and moody at times where the niceties don't present themselves and I just tell people my thoughts quite directly
    OrangeAppled, petite libellule and Pendorah thanked this post.


     
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