[INFP] Am I just fooling myself?

Am I just fooling myself?

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This is a discussion on Am I just fooling myself? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I'm not used to asking for help in such matters so here it goes. (ESFP GUY) SO there's this girl ...

  1. #1

    Am I just fooling myself?

    I'm not used to asking for help in such matters so here it goes. (ESFP GUY)

    SO there's this girl (INFP)

    It had been a two weeks since we had really talked but today she calls me and asks if I wanted to go out to dinner. It seemed like a great night. On the way home :

    She asks me "Why is it that you like me"
    and I tell her "I think you're innocent, and you've been treated like shit and taken advantage of, but you deserve so much better"

    In all honesty that was probably not the best thing to say. I was holding back because I didn't want to feel too vulnerable but I was blind sided with that question and that's what came out.

    her -"I just can't believe that you can possibly like me; I think you're just being delusional"

    I didn't know what to say, that hurt pretty bad. I don't know why insecure girls make me close up like that, sometimes I become a little insecure myself. I was a little angry that she could easily dismiss my feelings for her to be simply delusional.

    "What else do you like about me? I bet I can prove you otherwise"

    Me - " I don't even want to tell you now if that's all you want to do"

    I was flustered, and driving, and couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say anyways. Why would she say something like that?

    I wanted to tell her why I thought she was incredible, that her curiosity about life and philosophy intrigues me and that I love listening to her talk endlessly about what ever she comes up with on her mind. I think shes naive, innocent, and beautiful and I'm attracted to that. I like making her laugh and talking to her all night. I didn't tell her any of this

    Should I even bother to tell her or is it even enough for her? I have a problem with dealing with introverted girls because I tend to be too clingy and needy. I don't want to put myself out there in the open just to feed her curiosity and I don't know if she just wants me to confirm to her that I really do care about her either.

    She hasn't told me how she feels about me, she just says "I don't know"

    the night ended... unresolved like most nights.

    is this just a patience thing or am I just fooling myself with her?

    I'm at a loss of what to do.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    I think that you probs cant tell her things like you love listening to her talk endlessly about random things on her mind because that would probs make her self conscious next time she does it
    BUt if you think it wont make things awkward then just TELL HER how much and why you love her. and then be like and nothing you say will ever make me stop loving you. Or something equally cheesy. Seems like a good idea to me...
    I guess it might be too 'putting youself out there' esp as she says she doesnt know how she feels about you. But I think if I were her, or any other INFP, I'd really appreciate(and be really touched) the guy being open and honest and I'd know I can trust him in the future which means I'll never stamp on his feelings or hurt him in anyway..
    But is there no way you can add a little humour into this?? So next time be something like I love everything about you (unless thats not true) and look a bit cheeky.

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    OR maybe she's just going through a phase of low self-esteem and so she's bitter because she thinks that nobody can love her for everything she is, so if someone loves her it's because they don't know about her shameful episodes of ..whatever she's ashamed of.
    in that case you probably should tell her something like i love you so much because....(your reasons) BUT especially because...(some embarassing thing you know about her that she's ashamed about).
    that sounds quite good actually. better than my previous post.
    Parade of Sparrows thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    oh and also she thinks ur 'being delusional'
    ie. she thinks you love her because you dont know about her guilty evil thoughts and embarassing things
    you have to tell her that you're not delusional. so tell her a string of things..some good and some bad to show her you know exactly what you're falling in love with!

  5. #5
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by talon235 View Post
    I'm not used to asking for help in such matters so here it goes. (ESFP GUY)

    SO there's this girl (INFP)

    It had been a two weeks since we had really talked but today she calls me and asks if I wanted to go out to dinner. It seemed like a great night. On the way home :

    She asks me "Why is it that you like me"
    and I tell her "I think you're innocent, and you've been treated like shit and taken advantage of, but you deserve so much better"

    In all honesty that was probably not the best thing to say. I was holding back because I didn't want to feel too vulnerable but I was blind sided with that question and that's what came out.

    her -"I just can't believe that you can possibly like me; I think you're just being delusional"

    I didn't know what to say, that hurt pretty bad. I don't know why insecure girls make me close up like that, sometimes I become a little insecure myself. I was a little angry that she could easily dismiss my feelings for her to be simply delusional.

    "What else do you like about me? I bet I can prove you otherwise"

    Me - " I don't even want to tell you now if that's all you want to do"

    I was flustered, and driving, and couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say anyways. Why would she say something like that?

    I wanted to tell her why I thought she was incredible, that her curiosity about life and philosophy intrigues me and that I love listening to her talk endlessly about what ever she comes up with on her mind. I think shes naive, innocent, and beautiful and I'm attracted to that. I like making her laugh and talking to her all night. I didn't tell her any of this

    Should I even bother to tell her or is it even enough for her? I have a problem with dealing with introverted girls because I tend to be too clingy and needy. I don't want to put myself out there in the open just to feed her curiosity and I don't know if she just wants me to confirm to her that I really do care about her either.

    She hasn't told me how she feels about me, she just says "I don't know"

    the night ended... unresolved like most nights.

    is this just a patience thing or am I just fooling myself with her?

    I'm at a loss of what to do.

    Personally, I would ask you the same thing. I can't talk for every INFP woman out there, but for me I just can't understand why someone would like me and I end up asking them.
    It must've taken a lot of courage, since for me it is a bit embarrassing to ask. But I can understand why that question would fluster you- believe me when I say if she didn't care about your opinion or what you thought she wouldn't ask.

    With her not telling you what she felt about you could mean a lot of things. Maybe she is afraid to say what she feels or after asking you what you felt about her felt that what she felt wouldn't be worth much.

    But I can see you like her, you like many aspects and important aspects of her. Don't let that night get your relationship down- what happened does seem really big but just shimmering in the past won't help move forward.

    If you are just fooling yourself find out yourself and keep being patient with her. If you are fooling yourself, you will know.

    All you can do now is be patient and try and be as honest as you can, only squeezing her heart gentle enough not to make it bleed or feel cold.

    Hope that help a bit
    Parade of Sparrows and susurration thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    1. Go to Hallmark and find a card, maybe whimsical.

    2. Sit down and write a letter (use a word processor so you can say exactly what you mean). Include a line that says something like: I know you don't feel like I could have intense feelings for you, but I do and I have to tell you about it. Tell her how difficult it is for you to express these feelings, but that you gotta tell her how you feel. Tell her all the things you like about her and how it makes you feel. Acknowlege often that she may not feel that way about herself, but people can still fit together like hand in glove. Remember that INFPs, for all the nuanced feelings we have, NEED CLEAR, UNAMBIGUOUS SIGNALS in relationships. We are stupid that way, go figure.

    3. Mail this card, do not hand deliver, do not slip under door.

    4. A short time after she receives the letter (about 24 hours for her to read, re-read, compose a reply, edit reply unmercifully, despair of replying, and empty the trash can of failed drafts) call on the phone and ask her if she wants to have a coffee and talk. I don't know what the answer will be, but you will know whether you are wasting your time or have got her off the dime in a relational direction. Anything but "I just want to be friends" is good.

    5. Good luck, prepare for a 'no' answer with plenty of beer.
    Last edited by Phenix; 04-09-2010 at 05:59 AM. Reason: Just one more thing.
    Parade of Sparrows, Alaya and Blackbird thanked this post.

  7. #7
    Unknown Personality

    That girl sounds exactly like me, even the things she said. Just keep trying.
    Parade of Sparrows thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    I agree with Phenix that writing to an INFP is an important way to get through to them emotionally. And look at your original post on this thread and include those nice things you said about her.

    It may be that she understands on some level that you're an Extroverted Sensor--more of an action-oriented, real-world-focused kind of person--and she wonders whether you can really appreciate her reflective, internal and imaginative nature...for the long haul. It may also be that she's insecure, and sees herself as boring and shy, and sees you as charming, exciting, and social, and doubts that she can hold your interest for long.

    So you might reassure her that you notice those differences, too, but that she has qualities you don't have, and that you deeply appreciate those, and that they can balance you...

    Also, you might gently, but repeatedly, invite her to share with you her concerns or worries or doubts about the idea of the two of you having a relationship. If she were answering the question instead of asking the question--it would accomplish two things: first, it would enable her to express herself, helping her feel heard, and allowing you to understand better what's going through her heart and mind; second, it would balance things out more, with you not only being on defense, scrambling to tell her things you hope she wants to hear. Instead, she'd have to take a bit more responsibility in specifying her thoughts and feelings, and you'd know more what you're dealing with.

    It's also possible that she's depressed, or emotionally wounded from childhood or past relationship attempts. So if she doesn't respond well to your best efforts, it may have little to do with you. Try not to take it too personally.

    Overall, if she's got a good heart, and you think you can make each other happy, love is worth taking risks for.
    I wish for you courage and good fortune.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    "Feelings" are what we do. "Real" is what we're all about. I know it's hard to make yourself vulnerable but if you don't tell her how you really feel she'll probably start backing away and feel that she is right, there is no way you could possibly like her... So...you have to find a way to tell her if that's how you really feel...or you risk losing her. I agree with writing her a letter or a nice card. If she does like you she probably won't confess those feelings unless you open up first. The fact that she called you and asked if you wanted to go out to dinner is a good sign. She must have some interest in you.

    I know an ESFP guy and the thing that annoys me about him the most is that he appears to be very shallow. Not saying that you are shallow or that she views you as shallow...but if you express to her all of the things you shared with us it'll show her that you have depth of feeling...which will likely be appealing to her.

    The neediness and clingyness though...ouch. INFPs need their space! Doesn't mean the relationship can't work but just be aware of that... Good luck, I hope you find a way to allow yourself to be vulnerable and tell her how you really feel.
    Parade of Sparrows thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I'm an INFP and when I have a crush on a guy and he asks me what I think of him, I usually answer "I don't know" as well. INFPs tend to fall hard and fast. Meaning that we easily can start liking somebody, but we can easily stop liking them too. She isn't completely sure of her feelings yet and she isn't sure that the feeling will last.


    At least that's what my feelings would be.
    Parade of Sparrows thanked this post.


     
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