[glasspagodas]

Ok, I feel a bit silly coming here to blab about my super secret crush, but I'm starting to go a bit crazy in my own head wondering about this guy, and I have to get it out! I'm hoping some INFPs can give me some advice and/or insight.

A few months ago I met this INFP guy through one of my good friends, and I really liked him from the start, if only as a friend. We connected on an intellectual level at first, spending time talking about books & writing, etc, which makes me giddy because I've spent most of my life loving those things in solitude.

As I learned a bit more about him, i realized we have so much in common --similar family issues (nonexistent & abusive parents, feeling like we were the only responsible ones in the house even as kids) and have struggled with some similar emotional problems because of that. Neither of us are very trusting, to say the least. We are the ones who hear other people's problems and life stories, and we attract some of the craziest people just by sitting together.

I really don't know how this boy is still single. He is kind and cute and funny and smart and so many levels of awesome. He's incredibly giving and has a hard time disappointing people (a trait which is now making it difficult for me to tell how he really feels, as you can imagine). I love talking to him, he's one of those people that everyone wants to open up to. And what's more, I love listening to him -- he's quite introverted, but when he comes out and gets talking I feel really lucky.

Anyway, the problem is this. We're both undergrads - he's a sophomore & I'm a freshman - and we both withdrew from school this semester because we were feeling pretty depressed and unfocused. Since January we'd both been spending time in our own rooms, wouldn't go out, etc, so we didn't see each other much. Now I'm home (1000 miles away) and kicking myself because I feel like I missed out on something potentially great. While I'm here I don't want to lose his friendship, not just because I'm so far. He is actually leaving for Africa soon to work for a nonprofit there for the summer. We've promised to stay in touch.

Back when we still barely knew each other, we were walking through the quad late at night, lagging behind our friends, and he told me that he did something 'creepy' and looked up my biography on my scholarship program's website. It is a short bio about my high school activities and goals for the future - I was so embarrassed to write it, but i was honest about my love of writing, how i believe that understanding people, that telling their stories with compassion, can change the world, etc etc. He told me that when he read it he got chills and he said that I was inspiring, that I was a good writer -- essentially, he said all these things that made me turn to mush and I had to take several breaths before responding. This is generally the effect he has on me.

A few days ago I sent him a message telling him hello, asking him how he was, and saying that I missed him. I said 'to be honest, I loved talking to you' and mentioned that he is the first person I've met who seemed to care about certain things (like writing, idealist-type things, lol) the way I do, and wanted to talk about it. I apologized for not being a better friend this semester, that I wasn't fully myself and I regretted not seeing him more. And then I just mentioned that i thought we must have been dealing with similar things, and told him briefly about my own sense of purposeless that made me leave school. I don't want to talk about myself so much that I dominate the conversation, but I also know that you have to show trust to earn trust.

He wrote back in ten minutes, saying that my message 'made his day,' and that he 'feels so happy now' and that it's crazy how much we have in common. He said that now all he had to do was compose a 'worthy response.'

He hasn't written back and it's been a few days, but I'm not concerned about that because I'm the same way -- I need to be in a kind of 'zone' before answering to messages like that, and I need time to process.

I am good at reading people, and I know that I have to be careful not to be too pushy or too aloof -- it's hard because my tendency is NOT to put myself out there. At the same time, I don't think he'd make a move unless he knew I liked him in that way. He's incredibly kind, but I can't read into that because he's kind to EVERYONE, he never says a harsh or critical thing to someone's face, and even goes out of his way to make promises he can't keep just so he doesn't have to tell someone no. I just get the sense that he wouldn't tell me if he didn't like me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. At the same
time, I can't tell if the attention and kindness he shows me is really anything more than friendship. And I also know he won't say if he does like me, because he's shy.

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE. Not to mention my own insecurities are bubbling up - I don't think I'm very attractive so I have a hard time imagining anyone else thinks so, let alone this guy who has a million pretty girls as friends.

I'm so sorry this was such a long post -- I am just so clueless about how to proceed, how to read him, etc. He's clouding all my people-reading abilities and it's driving me crazy. Good crazy, i admit, but still crazy! :)

[conscius]

glasspagodas:

I am an INFP guy or rather INFX as I get about 50% P and 50%J. I am also shy and try to be kind to people and have difficulty saying no. I have a degree in psychology and I thought it would give me perspective but I'm still as shy as ever.... ahhhh.

So it seems I share a few tendencies with this young man you're interested in.

I have a suggestion. One time when you guys are chatting, would you be able to direct the conversation to talking about love? You could disclose things about yourself and how you would show your interest in someone or how you like to be courted and ask him about his preferences. This will be indirect enough so that he won't feel pressured and you won't feel hurt if he shies away from discussing his feelings towards you, but you will learn about him from his reaction to your self-disclosure and also statement of his preferences.

A few other things to consider:

Your attraction to him is mostly based on how similar he is to you. That is fine for friendship but a romantic relation may complicate things a bit. Be clear about your expectations. Do you accept him fully as he is right now? If there are minor things that bug you, like his emotionality (not emailing you back til he is in the right mood), notice them and try to think if these things could bother you in future. The reason I say this is that a failed romantic relation may damage your friendship and it seems to me that your friendship has been a source of joy and happiness to you both.

Also, he may not be ready for a romantic relationship. Had he had girlfriends before? Long-term relationships? You may be at that stage but he may not be. I do not open up to people easily and the deeper the relationship gets, the more cautious I become. So go for it, but slowly, and try not to personalize it, if it doesn't happen. His shyness and sensitivity may come between you even if he is deeply in love with you.

Hope it helps.

[Acey]

I'm and INFP and I am extremely hard to read at times. I become so unsure of myself and I can end up convincing myself that I am undeserving of something that is good for me. So many times have i let opportunities pass me by because I was too scared to be a disappointment. If he's anything like me, he might be thinking that the circumstances you guys are in is too great to overcome to make this relationship work. If he is also insecure about the love he can offer, then it's going to be hard for him to show his feelings the same way you showed yours.

That's what i would be feeling anyways =/

Persistence will generally soften any insecurities he has about himself or the stability of the relationship

[whyjennwhy]

In all honesty, there will be no telling if he likes you without putting yourself out there. As an INFP, even I think we're probably the hardest to read.

glasspagodas:
I have a suggestion. One time when you guys are chatting, would you be able to direct the conversation to talking about love? You could disclose things about yourself and how you would show your interest in someone or how you like to be courted and ask him about his preferences. This will be indirect enough so that he won't feel pressured and you won't feel hurt if he shies away from discussing his feelings towards you, but you will learn about him from his reaction to your self-disclosure and also statement of his preferences....So go for it, but slowly, and try not to personalize it, if it doesn't happen. His shyness and sensitivity may come between you even if he is deeply in love with you.

Hope it helps.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Just know, we're... Well, you'll have to ask yourself if you can deal with how INFPs are so tough to read. I know I personally frustrate the hell out of my boyfriend, cos he can't "read" me. But, he says it drives him insane in a good way. There's not much you can do but ask, and he's most likely to be honest. You two definitely at least have some connection, whether it be good for a romantic relationship or an amazing friendship. Both are satisfying, right?

[bobdaduck]

Find him, talk to him one on one, be open, and he'll like you. Or if he doesn't, he will.

I would.

Or maybe that's just me, because no one does that for me really, so that's how I'd react. If he's got "a million pretty girls as friends" I'm not sure then.

But I suppose that an INFP would love someone who would get to know us well.

[Rayne]

He said that your message made his day. I think it's highly likely he thinks a lot of you. The way I see it, you live 1000 miles away from him, you've got nothing to lose. Just tell him the way you feel. If it were me I would find it really flattering and lovely that I made someone that happy and they thought that highly of me, even if I didn't want a romantic relationship with them. You've got nothing to lose, if he's as nice as you make out he'll still be your friend even if you admit you have a crush on him and he's not interested. I know I would. But to me it sounds like he might like you.

[thehigher]

Ok, I feel a bit silly coming here to blab about my super secret crush, but I'm starting to go a bit crazy in my own head wondering about this guy, and I have to get it out! I'm hoping some INFPs can give me some advice and/or insight.

A few months ago I met this INFP guy through one of my good friends, and I really liked him from the start, if only as a friend. We connected on an intellectual level at first, spending time talking about books & writing, etc, which makes me giddy because I've spent most of my life loving those things in solitude.

As I learned a bit more about him, i realized we have so much in common --similar family issues (nonexistent & abusive parents, feeling like we were the only responsible ones in the house even as kids) and have struggled with some similar emotional problems because of that. Neither of us are very trusting, to say the least. We are the ones who hear other people's problems and life stories, and we attract some of the craziest people just by sitting together.

I really don't know how this boy is still single. He is kind and cute and funny and smart and so many levels of awesome. He's incredibly giving and has a hard time disappointing people (a trait which is now making it difficult for me to tell how he really feels, as you can imagine). I love talking to him, he's one of those people that everyone wants to open up to. And what's more, I love listening to him -- he's quite introverted, but when he comes out and gets talking I feel really lucky.

Anyway, the problem is this. We're both undergrads - he's a sophomore & I'm a freshman - and we both withdrew from school this semester because we were feeling pretty depressed and unfocused. Since January we'd both been spending time in our own rooms, wouldn't go out, etc, so we didn't see each other much. Now I'm home (1000 miles away) and kicking myself because I feel like I missed out on something potentially great. While I'm here I don't want to lose his friendship, not just because I'm so far. He is actually leaving for Africa soon to work for a nonprofit there for the summer. We've promised to stay in touch.

Back when we still barely knew each other, we were walking through the quad late at night, lagging behind our friends, and he told me that he did something 'creepy' and looked up my biography on my scholarship program's website. It is a short bio about my high school activities and goals for the future - I was so embarrassed to write it, but i was honest about my love of writing, how i believe that understanding people, that telling their stories with compassion, can change the world, etc etc. He told me that when he read it he got chills and he said that I was inspiring, that I was a good writer -- essentially, he said all these things that made me turn to mush and I had to take several breaths before responding. This is generally the effect he has on me.

A few days ago I sent him a message telling him hello, asking him how he was, and saying that I missed him. I said 'to be honest, I loved talking to you' and mentioned that he is the first person I've met who seemed to care about certain things (like writing, idealist-type things, lol) the way I do, and wanted to talk about it. I apologized for not being a better friend this semester, that I wasn't fully myself and I regretted not seeing him more. And then I just mentioned that i thought we must have been dealing with similar things, and told him briefly about my own sense of purposeless that made me leave school. I don't want to talk about myself so much that I dominate the conversation, but I also know that you have to show trust to earn trust.

He wrote back in ten minutes, saying that my message 'made his day,' and that he 'feels so happy now' and that it's crazy how much we have in common. He said that now all he had to do was compose a 'worthy response.'

He hasn't written back and it's been a few days, but I'm not concerned about that because I'm the same way -- I need to be in a kind of 'zone' before answering to messages like that, and I need time to process.

I am good at reading people, and I know that I have to be careful not to be too pushy or too aloof -- it's hard because my tendency is NOT to put myself out there. At the same time, I don't think he'd make a move unless he knew I liked him in that way. He's incredibly kind, but I can't read into that because he's kind to EVERYONE, he never says a harsh or critical thing to someone's face, and even goes out of his way to make promises he can't keep just so he doesn't have to tell someone no. I just get the sense that he wouldn't tell me if he didn't like me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. At the same
time, I can't tell if the attention and kindness he shows me is really anything more than friendship. And I also know he won't say if he does like me, because he's shy.

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE. Not to mention my own insecurities are bubbling up - I don't think I'm very attractive so I have a hard time imagining anyone else thinks so, let alone this guy who has a million pretty girls as friends.

I'm so sorry this was such a long post -- I am just so clueless about how to proceed, how to read him, etc. He's clouding all my people-reading abilities and it's driving me crazy. Good crazy, i admit, but still crazy! :)

You're killing me. This is like a love story. You're making me want to search every forum and mbti listing for INFJ's in the world. As for if he see's you as a friend or not.... well.... can't tell you for sure. But .... people that understand us are few and far between. To find someone that connects on the level you two do.... that's very ... very rare. I doubt he is just passively knocking you off as just some friend. But that's just my take.

[whyjennwhy]

You're killing me. This is like a love story. You're making me want to search every forum and mbti listing for INFJ's in the world. As for if he see's you as a friend or not.... well.... can't tell you for sure. But .... people that understand us are few and far between. To find someone that connects on the level you two do.... that's very ... very rare. I doubt he is just passively knocking you off as just some friend. But that's just my take.

^^^^
/Agree

[SenhorFrio]

i'm an INFP guy and frankily i think you should just go for it, we feel more intense emotions than we let on

[refugee]

i love these types of stories, i wish i had a girl who felt so strongly about me hahaha