[INFP] INFPs with INTPs: fascination, passion, confusion, hurt and heartbreak.

INFPs with INTPs: fascination, passion, confusion, hurt and heartbreak.

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This is a discussion on INFPs with INTPs: fascination, passion, confusion, hurt and heartbreak. within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello all you wonderful INFPs, I've noticed, from real life observation and especially from recent personality forum browsing that INTPs ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    INFPs with INTPs: fascination, passion, confusion, hurt and heartbreak.

    Hello all you wonderful INFPs,

    I've noticed, from real life observation and especially from recent personality forum browsing that INTPs and INFPs are often attracted and fascinated by one another -- however that this combination rarely works out. The INFP will often leave the relationship heartbroken and disillusioned. The INTP will probably leave confused and hateful.



    When I've read INFP descriptions about INTPs ultimate failings, I find them particularly cutting. Firstly, because they are often very accurate. Secondly, I believe that INFPs really are the only type of girl that I have ever fallen love with, and ever will. I've had fun relationships with other types, but ... INFPs are just a completely different caliber to me.They stir a powerful irrational chord in me. So it strikes me as tragic that it seems to rarely work. I imagine it is far more tragic for you guys with your Fi stewing in hurt.

    I can't resist idealizing that I will find an INFP, and everything will be sublime and wonderful. I'm starting to suspect this is dangerous.

    So, any insights into the combination are welcome.
    Does what I'm saying ring true? Why/not, do you think?
    Are there any positive stories of INFPs with INTPs?
    How do you guys find us as friends? etc. etc.
    Seamaid, refugee, username and 9 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaj View Post
    Hello all you wonderful INFPs,

    I've noticed, from real life observation and especially from recent personality forum browsing that INTPs and INFPs are often attracted and fascinated by one another -- however that this combination rarely works out. The INFP will often leave the relationship heartbroken and disillusioned. The INTP will probably leave confused and hateful.



    When I've read INFP descriptions about INTPs ultimate failings, I find them particularly cutting. Firstly, because they are often very accurate. Secondly, I believe that INFPs really are the only type of girl that I have ever fallen love with, and ever will. I've had fun relationships with other types, but ... INFPs are just a completely different caliber to me.They stir a powerful irrational chord in me. So it strikes me as tragic that it seems to rarely work. I imagine it is far more tragic for you guys with your Fi stewing in hurt.

    I can't resist idealizing that I will find an INFP, and everything will be sublime and wonderful. I'm starting to suspect this is dangerous.

    So, any insights into the combination are welcome.
    Does what I'm saying ring true? Why/not, do you think?
    Are there any positive stories of INFPs with INTPs?
    How do you guys find us as friends? etc. etc.

    There is a particular person that I suspect to be an INTP and he is the closest thing to perfect that I've ever met. But that idea is futile. I can see where there would be definite problems with the pairing but I think you'd have to have a fairly rational INFP and an INTP that is a bit more developed with dealing with their emotions and wanting to communicate them sometimes. Good luck, though.

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I really like INFPs; most of my friends are. A dating relationship isn't impossible, but as an INTP you really have to understand how the INFP's emotions work and be able to reciprocate in a way that makes them happy in order for it to be successful.
    Seamaid and Acey thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    My ex was an INTP, and it seemed to work well, but, unfortunately, circumstances got in the way.
    He is one of the most understanding/accepting people I know, and there was never any pressure from him, which all in all meant that I was free to speak my mind/voice my concerns without any worry. (something very much appreciated)
    One potential issue I could see is that perhaps we were too similar, but then that can either be very good or very bad, simply depends. Another is perhaps that sometimes he wasn't as receptive to emotional needs as maybe he could be?... but then he tested very low T, and was actually pretty well-developed when it came to this, though I am not sure every INTP is like that.
    Kaj and NowakiSelf thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    Ah! And another thing, I do have a close INTP friend, and he and my ex are one of the few with a mutual interest in concepts/ideas, so... good conversations. ^^ Sometimes other people simply aren't interested/patient enough it to handle it.
    NowakiSelf thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    I don't know about romantic relationships, but I think in real life, academically/professionally, I work really well with INTPs. We just complement each other. We mostly get each other. It unsettles them a little how passionately I tend to speak and how highly I prioritize the ethical side of things. I mean, they see my high intelligence and my strong capacity for logic and making the right observations and connections. It just alarms them that I have to sort through my emotional life first, which is supported and followed by rational thought.

    The thing is, though, with other types, what Ts really hate about me is that I see their Fi or Fe, however far back it is buried, and I keep emphasizing it and bringing it out in them. It pisses them off, because usually it's not a priority to them, they don't have that function very refined or developed or anything, and because it's awkward to them, they don't like to bring it out for all to show.

    Honestly, though, this may be a bit unusual, but I think I would prefer if my next partner were something like an ENTx. It would help though if they were really well-developed, with a higher than average emotional intelligence for an NT.
    Seamaid, refugee, Raichan and 5 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by portionsforfoxes View Post
    There is a particular person that I suspect to be an INTP and he is the closest thing to perfect that I've ever met. But that idea is futile. I can see where there would be definite problems with the pairing
    This is very curious. I've heard 'perfect' from INFPs describing INTPs before. We are usually very far from perfect. Perhaps, there is a kind of purity to our quest for knowledge, but we're often mentally unhealthy.

    Would you mind elaborating why you say it wouldn't work?
    The situation seems like an unhappy paradox.

    It's interesting that both INTPs and INFPs are described as 'disorganised perfectionists'. There's usually a project on our minds (a different one for every week) that we usually fail to actualize.
    Seamaid, susurration, JoetheBull and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaj View Post
    This is very curious. I've heard 'perfect' from INFPs describing INTPs before. We are usually very far from perfect. Perhaps, there is a kind of purity to our quest for knowledge, but we're often mentally unhealthy.

    Would you mind elaborating why you say it wouldn't work?
    The situation seems like an unhappy paradox.

    It's interesting that both INTPs and INFPs are described as 'disorganised perfectionists'. There's usually a project on our minds (a different one for every week) that we usually fail to actualize.
    I guess I should've worded myself a bit better. I meant perfect for me. Not a perfect person. I don't believe in such a thing. Also, not every INTP is just like him. We're all individuals.

    It wouldn't work because of more personal, concrete factors like distance and our inability to admit anything. Not because he's an unemotional INTP. I hide my feelings nearly just as much as he does.

    It was very late when I wrote that. :P

  9. #9

    The only friendships I've had with INTPs that have worked long term are ones which do not get too close. However, I've found most of them to get close/intense much more quickly than I would with anyone else (and as these have always been men, there's often a romantic tinge to the friendship). It's probably because we can actually talk about the things which interest us. These never end well, though; they don't necessarily end horribly, but they end & usually include some tiff.

    One major problem is, these INTPs would never apologize & never admit when they were wrong. They'd always make some excuse instead of owning up to a mistake. This can be a weak spot in me also, but hanging out with them highlighted my compassionate & humble side. They'd also seem very unaware or in denial of their own emotional motivations. Emotional motivations come through loud & clear to an INFP, like nails on a chalkboard, and when someone claims they are objective or unbiased when they are not, it just seems delusional & arrogant. Basically, those tiffs which ended the relationship could have been resolved with a sincere apology & admitting of an irrational moment. I found myself making peace, but I never saw an effort on their part, so I'd cut them out of my life. It's needs to be a two-way street when it comes to compromise.
    Seamaid, susurration, refugee and 3 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    I am married to an INTP and before we were married, we were friends for 10 years and dated for 5. I can't imagine life without him. I'm not saying our relationship is perfect, but we are best friends. In fact, just today I got a message from one of my female friends asking for relationship advice because she saw me and my husband's relationship as ideal, like we were meant for each other. I have dated A LOT of guys, I'm not gonna lie. And I thought I was gonna marry two or three of them. Then we broke up. When I finally started dating my husband, I knew from the first night we kissed that he was unlike ALL the other guys I thought I had loved. He FELT RIGHT and that was the best way to describe it! And he still does feel right. So my point in this romantic story is that IT CAN WORK, don't feel so cut throat about it. It might not work with some people but with us, it works great.

    I'll admit that I am borderline INFP/J and am the extroverted one in the relationship. He is much quieter and shy than me and he's much more indecisive. It's a challenge to me to always be the extrovert and the decisive one, and it can get damn annoying at times, but it works more times than it doesn't work. I'm also an only child, which I think helps me be more controlling. and when I say controlling, I mean I'm just making sure we don't float away into space like runaway balloons.

    So yeah, the problems for me arise from always having to be the one to decide everything and plan it out. I also feel like a nag sometimes having to remind him about little stuff. But honestly, he is getting a lot better at remembering things and making an attempt to show some responsibility and control over his life, which is nice. Less of a burden for me. I have a hard time dealing with my own issues sometimes that it's hard to remember to worry about him too. But really, those things are not very bad. The pros outweigh the cons, for sure. The best parts of our relationship include being able to speak abstractly with each other on the drop of a hat, and always being able to joke around. We are always joking around and making obscure/abstract jokes that probably no one else thinks are funny but they crack us up. Also, when I do need to talk about my feelings, he will sit there and listen and not judge. He might not have anything to say and sometimes it's like talking to a wall, but at least I know he is listening and he cares. He shows his love for me more in his deeds and actions than in his expressions verbally. He is extremely thoughtful and attentive, never complaining about anything, always willing to help out where needed. He picks up in actions where he leaves off in words, if you follow that. and I really appreciate him, I take time to notice him and tell him he's amazing and I think he thrives on that. A lot of people interrupt him, don't let him speak, don't ask his opinion, etc, because he's so quiet. But I always resented that and I let him speak and want to listen to him! You can find that he's a brilliant man when you actually give him the attention he deserves. So yeah, it can work!!
    Seamaid, Acey, SalvinaZerelda and 15 others thanked this post.


     
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