[INFP] Some help with my ESFJ mother

Some help with my ESFJ mother

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This is a discussion on Some help with my ESFJ mother within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello INFP's Well the reson is to aks for some advice...its about my relationship with my mother. She is typed ...

  1. #1

    Some help with my ESFJ mother

    Hello INFP's

    Well the reson is to aks for some advice...its about my relationship with my mother. She is typed as an ESFJ. I'm an INFP and we kind of clash. I don't feel we have a bond of unterstanding and acceptence.. or that could be just me. I'm very emotional, and she sees that as sign of weakness... whenever I show deep emotions she doesn't understand it. She gets mad of me, and says I'm inmature for letting myself go... but it is really that those emotions are me. I cannot change who I am. I could become more careless, more solid. But then I woudn't be myself anymore... What also ennoys me is that she has no imagination at all, obsesses about unimportant little details... she is also very rigid. Its her way or the highway. She doesn't like things that aren't usual. When I first expressed my love and feeling for the goth and alternative styles she kind of freaked out. She doesn't unterstand the beauty of it. She sees it as silly and or weird. The same thing about art. I go to art school, and she doesn't unterstand it at all... When she sees people who are diffrent she automaticly judgess them. She is always very chatty and positive to others. She has to have people around her and doens't unterstand my longing of solitude. To be alone from time to time. She sees my introversion and percheving as very bad qualitly. I aqtualy feel that deep down inside so looks a bit down on me. For being the way I am. I also see her as superficial. Always being so happy and caring for other. But aqtually she doen''st like all of those people. But she acts that way because she thinks it right. She values traditon and social convensions very much. I don't really care about such things... does that make me a bad person? Also, she isn't really envolved in the world and the big picture... like I can cry when I think at animals in a farm factory, Im vegatarion. She sees that as stupid and anjoying because she has to cook diffrent for me. She doens't deeply feel my reson for it. I could on and on about these things...Doesn't like mess either and is obsessed with her invironnement... She has to be in control of almost everthing. I feel a bit bad to be so negative. But the truth is that if she wasn't my mother I wound't want to deal with her at all... because of her personality. I hope you guys aren't offended by these tread of mine. But I hope you see were Im coming from. Do you know other ESFJ's? How do you deal with them? What of the INFP's traits annoyes ESFJ'S? What annoyes you about them? I really want to know how you think of this.

    Thank you!

    Love,

    GoldenDawn

    PS sorry for the grammar mistakes, English isn't my native language....
    Acey, refugee, FlowerChild and 2 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    anyone? :(

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    That's a tough one. I'd type my mother as an esfj, and she doesn't seem anything like that. Sure, we butt heads sometimes, but my mother has always taken interest in most of the things I like. Heck, when I went through my goth phase, she was the one that bought a trench coat and shirts we all manner of skulls and monsters, haha.

    To be blunt, when I deal with people like that, I tend to walk them in intellectual circles and then make them sound stupid. But, being your mother, I guess that wouldn't be such a good thing. I wouldn't worry about it too much; you and your mother are two different people, and if she doesn't like that, that is too bad. Her words don't make the world go around. Some of the greatest people in the world that have instilled change have been NFs. Ghandi, Martin Luther King jr, Tolkien, The Virgin Mary, JESUS CHRIST himself. Perhaps you could point that out to her.

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by badzee28 View Post
    That's a tough one. I'd type my mother as an esfj, and she doesn't seem anything like that. Sure, we butt heads sometimes, but my mother has always taken interest in most of the things I like. Heck, when I went through my goth phase, she was the one that bought a trench coat and shirts we all manner of skulls and monsters, haha.

    To be blunt, when I deal with people like that, I tend to walk them in intellectual circles and then make them sound stupid. But, being your mother, I guess that wouldn't be such a good thing. I wouldn't worry about it too much; you and your mother are two different people, and if she doesn't like that, that is too bad. Her words don't make the world go around. Some of the greatest people in the world that have instilled change have been NFs. Ghandi, Martin Luther King jr, Tolkien, The Virgin Mary, JESUS CHRIST himself. Perhaps you could point that out to her.

    Thank for replaying. That means a lot (: Well the thing is.... I do worry alot about this. I got the feeling I'm unwanted... for the person I really I am. I can't indentify with both of my parents...But thank you! The things is that she acts in those ways about me... makes me feel like '''the outsider''. My own stagety now, is to leave her alone, and don't let her in to much.... I won't involve with her either. Just withdrawing... it's ok.

    PS do you still like the goth style? I do, it's so beautiful (: I especially like the romantic styles.

  5. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldenDawn View Post
    My own stagety now, is to leave her alone, and don't let her in to much.... I won't involve with her either. Just withdrawing... it's ok.
    that sounds like a good idea to distance yourself from her, i'd do the same in that situation.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by GoldenDawn View Post
    Thank for replaying. That means a lot (: Well the thing is.... I do worry alot about this. I got the feeling I'm unwanted... for the person I really I am. I can't indentify with both of my parents...But thank you! The things is that she acts in those ways about me... makes me feel like '''the outsider''. My own stagety now, is to leave her alone, and don't let her in to much.... I won't involve with her either. Just withdrawing... it's ok.

    PS do you still like the goth style? I do, it's so beautiful (: I especially like the romantic styles.
    Sometimes it takes losing something to make you appreciate it. I think if you distance yourself, and make it known what she does is hurtful, she eventually come around when she realizes she may lose you. Any good parent will usually realize that.

    Not quite as much, I guess I've gotten more into the punk/rocker look more so than goth really. I hate to go along with the crowd, but I honestly love the stuff affliction makes. I don't like being associated with macho asshats at bars, but I just can't get over how cool the artwork on their clothes is.
    Verity3 thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    Hey Dawn,

    I totally understand what your going through. My mom is also a ESFJ and the behavior of you mom sounds just like mine. From reading your post it sounds like you're a lot younger than I am. (I am approaching middle age....:-) Anyway, over the years as I have become more comfortable with who I am, the acceptance of my mother means less and less. She loves me dearly, but she will never "get" me and that's OK. I've almost gotten to the point where I feel somewhat superior in the relationship. I feel like I have an emotional maturity that she will never have. I see the world in a totally different way than she does and I actually feel kind of sorry for her sometimes. To be so closed minded and blind to the beauty of people's differences is really sad I think.

    So I guess what I'm trying to say, is hang in there. You're already ahead of the game in knowing why you don't get along. (It took me many years to get to that point) Remember that she does love you and you don't need to apologize for who you are.
    gartenhut, Doc Dangerstein and Verity3 thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Hey there...

    I'm pretty sure my mom is an ESFJ. She's always worried about something, always trying to get something done, always trying to get me to get something done, always prying into my personal life about mundane details that don't matter at all...

    It's a tough situation. Trust me... I know. I'm going through a bit of a depression right now, and I can't help but believe that it's somehow associated to this situation. My only advice is to draw your boundaries with her. Fair warning, they're bound to be crossed over and over again, and she still probably won't understand you, but make it in your best interest to vocalize how and when she's crossing the line with you. It will be frustrating, but it's better than doing nothing.

    Also, try to stay calm rather than yelling... Yelling makes you come off as an angsty teenager. Is it wrong that we're not allowed to be angry when our ever so precious boundaries are being crossed? Of course. But this isn't exactly a fair situation. You gotta do what you gotta do.
    Verity3 and sensei.of.slow thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    so true! my mom is also an esfj. our biggest issues are our seperate overall views on the world. She hates things that are different and is extremely concerned with social 'norms'. She is extremely practical and doesn't like big concepts and theories. She is very emotional though, and i am also that way. But instead of trying to support me when I am upset, she just gets made at me. If I have a bad day and cry infront of her, she won't ever say "its okay" or "give me a hug" she will just try and calm me down in what ever way she can so i can be more practical. this is becoming a rant but now i am starting to have some depression now too because of it.
    Verity3 thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    My relationship with my mother has much in common with yours. I do not know my mother's personality type but she is definitely highly extroverted. Her inability to understand me and her strong will to judge me has manifested itself in many hurtful ways as I am sure it has done with you. I believe a parent's responsibility is to instill a sense of self esteem in their child and to nurture them toward fulfillment of their true selves. You sound very strong in your self awareness in spite of your mother's lack of support and I salute you for this strength. Your strong convictions probably irk your mother even more! Your statement that you would not have anything to do with her if she were not your mother certainly rings true with me and it is very sad. I believe on some level we choose our parents, however, and I am still trying to figure out why I chose mine. Perhaps we both have chosen our mothers as a challenge to our growth! Grow we must do at any cost and we must be true to ourselves. It sounds like you are doing this at the risk of alienating your mom. You probably wish that you loved her more, but loving yourself is the first step.

    One thing that helped me was to simply print out an information sheet on caring for an infp and emailing it to my mother. I didn't need to talk to her (she is a BAD listener), and she could read it and process it at her leisure. She actually thanked me for sending it. I think if people read something written by someone who is supposedly an authority on something and has credentials, then it manages to sometimes get through their thick extroverted skulls.

    I think the best you can do is to continue to be successful in being who you truly are. No one, even your mother, can argue with that. Best of luck!
    Verity3 thanked this post.


     
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