[INFP] Is my ESTJ mother abusive or just mean?

Is my ESTJ mother abusive or just mean?

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This is a discussion on Is my ESTJ mother abusive or just mean? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    Is my ESTJ mother abusive or just mean?

    Hi everyone:

    I have a dilemma- I can’t tell if I’m being abused or not. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve told a friend what’s happening to me and she seems to think so, and websites I’ve checked have also confirmed this, but it’s just hard to think of my mom as a child abuser.

    For starters, I’m 17, so I’m nearly an adult. My mother is an ESTJ and we used to have a great relationship when I was younger, but everything changed after I turned 6, when I started being disruptive in school. I still got perfect marks, but the class moved too slowly for me, so I acted out… and my mom didn’t understand. She started to beat me, not just with her hands, but with belts, clothing hangers, and basically anything she could find. She wanted to “straighten me out”, which she did, but even after I became the model student the beatings continued.

    I think it has to do with herself esteem, personally. She has veneers and after they cracked, she felt really bad about herself, plus she struggled with money issues (she’s a single mom, but refuses to get a job, so we live off of the child support my Dad gives us). I think she took it out on me, but frankly, it’s still no excuse. A 7 year old kid shouldn’t have a dozen angry red welts across her chest just because her mother got upset. Anyway, the bottom line is, she still hits me to this day. Sometimes she’ll chase me around with a hammer or a potato masher, and other times she’ll settle for her bare hands, but the result is always the same. I’ve been slapped, punched, thrown to the ground and stomped upon- you name it, she’s done it. I used to hate changing for gym because the other kids would inquire about my bruises, and my friends know that something’s going on, but our just too polite to say anything. I’ve shown up to school with scratches all over my face and bloody eyes, and I can tell that they don’t believe me when I say “I fell”, but they don’t inquire further.

    The thing is, I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I’m an honors student who gets straight A’s. I don’t drink or smoke or do crazy teenager-y things (mainly because my mom won’t let me go anywhere, but still) and all my teachers tell me that I’ve a great kid. I’m very polite and respectful. I’ve even tried talking to my mom about how I feel and encouraging her to do the same, but it’s rarely worked. Normally she’ll say “F**ck you”, or “shut the f**ck up, no one wants to hear your whining”, which just makes me feel bad about myself. And I KNOW what you’re thinking. If she treats you like this, and calls you a “stupid b*tch” and tells you to jump off a bridge and kill yourself, and if she beats you, destroys your possessions, and laughs in your face, saying “no one will believe you if you tell”, then how can it NOT be abuse? But the thing is, it’s not all the time.

    Sometimes, my mother is as nice as can be. She hugs me, packs my lunch, and says “I love you.” And then other times, she’ll change completely, as if she were a different person, and do all the things that I mentioned before. It's super confusing. I know she has a personality disorder (OCD) and my grandma (ENTJ) was also pretty mean to her and her sisters growing up. She burned her hand with an iron when she was 3, hit her with a 2-by-4, threw an ashtray at her head, broke my aunt’s arm- the list goes on and on. So that might have influenced her. I don’t really know. I’m just sad and tired of living this way. Any advice from other INFPs who have ESTJ parents? And is this really abuse if it's not all the time?
    Dragon Rider thanked this post.

  2. #2
    Unknown Personality

    Your mother is severly mentally unstable/ill and extremely abusive. The fact that this isn't apparently obvious to you is because you're stuck in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with her that is clouding your mind and making you defend her, adding guilt and other unhealthy emotions and behavioral patterns to your personality.

    You need to get help and get out of that relationship as soon as possible. You also need to realize two things:

    1. You can't do anything to help her or make her better
    2. She will never understand or accept you, and she is not your responsibility

    The only healthy thing you can do is to create maximum distance between you and her and get out of this sick relationship before it causes even more damage, both to you and her. You need to find a professional adult and tell them what is going on, and then let them guide you through the practicalities. You should also find a support group in the community where you can get help and support from people who share your experiences, there are many.

    By the way, I am an INFP with an ESTJ mother and I've only recently been able to understand just how much abuse has always been in that relationship. Get the fuck out as fast as possible (if that message was not clear).

  3. #3

    A healthy ESTJ does not hit her children, does not exploit her ex-husband financially and she would do everything in her power to find work and function in society and make sure you do too. If this is something that's been a problem for generations, it's up to you to do something. I'm on board with Stoneburg: find people who are your friends, find people who can help you and guide you through the system and help you find your own place and get established on your own.

    I'm sorry about what everything that happened and I'm absolutely livid that this woman is not in prison.

    ... okay, one more thought. Maybe this is not a generational thing. What evidence is there of your grandmother's cruety? Your mother's stories of her and her sisters being tortured by her mother are stories unless there's a valid argument that makes them true. Innocent until proven guilty. Even if these stories were true they serve one purpose and one purpose only: to rationalize and excuse her behavior by gaining sympathy from you.

    ... okay, second edit. Last one. When you move forward and find people who care about you, you might feel a little awkward or feel that you don't deserve to be treated well because it's something foreign, something that you're not in the habit of receiving. I want you to remember that you do deserve to have quality people in your life and people who will respect every once of your dignity.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    So this is abuse? Thanks for confirming, since as Stoneburg pointed out , I’m a little biased because I live with her 24/7, so this has become my new “normal”. I also wasn’t sure because in my family, it’s perfectly acceptable to use corporal punishment on your children. My Aunts have also disciplined their children in this fashion, though probably not to the extent that my mom has used it.

    Anyway, I’m torn between what I should do. I graduate in May, so I’m debating whether I should try and leave now or just wait until it’s time to leave for college. I fear that I may have to wait until then, simply because I don’t know where I would go. My Dad is pretty much absent in my life (except for the Child Support, of course) so I can’t live with him, or else I would have gone there a long time ago. My Aunts live far away and it’s too late for me to switch schools, which leaves my Grandma… who hasn’t spoken to me or my mother in 6 months. Yes, she is as evil as my mother described, because my other Aunt has corroborated this story, and ran away from home to escape her. She’s mellowed out in her golden years, but she still gets ticked off over small things (which is why she’s ignoring my mother, and me too, but indirectly).

    This really sucks. I know I can’t blame her for how I turned out, but sometimes I wonder if I wouldn’t be such a wimp today if she hadn’t treated me so badly. I’ll never know, but still…I can’t help thinking.

    But honestly, part of this is my fault for not telling. My mom said that no one would believe me because she’s so darn nice to everyone else. All the neighbors love her! (But I know they’ve heard my screams coming from next door- they’d have to be deaf to ignore that). But in freshman year, I did tell one other friend who immediately freaked out and went to the administration- who then pulled me out of class and grilled me about my relationship with my mom. I was so scared, because my mom said that they would take me away if anyone found out, and she’s really all I have. So I denied everything. I’m ashamed and embarrassed and I feel so stupid, because I SHOULD have told. I really should have.

    I mean, it could be worse, right? At least it’s not every day. The name calling is pretty much all the time, but the hitting isn’t. And…I’m making excuses for her again, aren’t I? Damn. This is really sad…
    Doc Dangerstein thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I know, people do things because they're afraid. If I were in your position I would have collapsed too. I would have denied everything, I would have defended her. Maybe your not seeing this right but you are doing something that is difficult for many people. You're sharing your story, you're asking for help and that requires courage

    I see a person who wants a better life for herself, someone who is young and has many years to look forward to, someone who wants to embrace her future. The emotions, they're horrible. I understand, but it's also our choice to grasp for them, to hold on to them and let these emotions define us

    Worse? I don't know: giving up on life. Overcompensating with brutality and ending with a couple felonies under your name. What else? Taking out your pain on the innocent. You can't control your mother's behavior, you can influence her choice but the whatever she does is still her choice. You can control your own and I think you're doing well because you asked us for help.

    ... you don't know how much I would love to help you. Stoneberg's a Swede and I'm Polish/Canadian, and I'm really not sure how the American system works. However, Superfluous make this thread over in the advice section. Maybe you can find something there



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