I dont know if this is going to come off as inspirational or self-pitying or cheesy, but this seems like the place to share it.
I've found i spent most of my life living in two separate worlds. one was the logical, structured world of civilization. everything outside was orderly to a point where it was lifeless. the abstract concept of time is dragged down to a movement of cogs under a circular face. animals (including myself) are trained to sit still and stay quiet in their assigned location, or they are shunned or put in cages. even plants are assigned their own bucket of land, though i've never seen plant trying to run from the spot it started at. i realized at too young an age that no matter what i do today, i will be in the same place, with the same lack of control, and in all likelihood will be there again tomorrow.
The other world was the one i consider my home. one most couldn't understand, and because of that they couldn't get to. and i'm not just talking about a dream world. you can lift the veil of analysis and see a swirling world of emotion right where you saw nothing but monotony before. you can see why things work, and not just how. you can look at someone and know why they lead the life they do. you can feel people's words and reactions. you can see the life and the potential in a plant or a pencil or a chair. This is not an escapist dreamworld, but a world as real as a logical one. a world of creativity, intuition.
for the first 4 years of school, my teachers thought i was stupid. I started to believe them. i was told i had a learning disability. the idea that the way i saw to world made me weaker than everyone else crushed me. the thought that everyone was in on something that i wasn't. i punished myself. i tried to see the world in the straightforward manner that my peers did, but it only made me more temperamental. every year i became less certain of myself.
then my parents had me professionally tested. i was in grade 6, and i had the vocabulary and aptitude of a university student. i was gifted. i had flaws, poor motor skills, slower reaction times, and if you ask me it was because of forcing myself to think like everyone else. i knew the answer, but i had to try to figure out how i knew what i knew.
i'm learning to trust myself more, and the more i do the more the two worlds bleed together. i see logic, i understand it, but i have little use for it anymore.
the only way i can move forward is to honestly, deeply, trust myself. no planning what to say, no judging how people will react, no worrying if i sound stupid or look stupid or am stupid or if i'm doing something nobody else will respect or understand.
you gotta let go, mannnnn.