[INFP] Why get out of hermit mode?

Why get out of hermit mode?

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This is a discussion on Why get out of hermit mode? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey there! I am very deep in hermit mode right now. A few months ago I had the chance to ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    Why get out of hermit mode?

    Hey there!

    I am very deep in hermit mode right now. A few months ago I had the chance to befriend a lot of people, given the setting, but I had no interest in that. I still have no friends right now (I had some, some years back), nor a partner or anything besides my family and that is fine to me. I am very happy with myself. But...

    (There always is a "but.")

    But something tells me I should pursue friendships again (and maybe even start dating). I can't really name it. I seem to have forgotten why friendships are good but at least I remember they were good as long they lasted.

    Currently I don't share a context with anyone any more (like school, university or work - the letter of which will possibly change, soon), but I have some ideas to meet people. Problem is, I don't actually feel like doing it. I know I could go somewhere but I don't do it. It seems like a lot of one-sided work that never really is reciprocated (like you put a lot of energy into a relationship and the other does nothing and if you are tired of all that expenditure the relationship is over).

    So the question is, why do I (or we) even want friendships? Seems like one has to put a lot of energy and time into it, which could be used elsewhere. And how does it even work, making friends (or making love happen)? I seem to only be able to make acquaintances, now, but nothing beyond.

    Yours sincerely,
    Me
    username123, username123, username123 and 76 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Sometimes it's good to have someone to confide in. Us humans are social creatures, so I like to think that social interaction is important to my mental state.



    I know for introverts it's alot of effort and energy put into it-but if you've picked good people to be friends with, it's totally worth it :D.

    Besides, INFP's are notorious for their therapeutic qualities, so I say its a waste if its not used.

    Plus it feels good to know you're trusted c: Memories are wonderful things :)

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Thanks for your reply :)

    I am kind of certain that it is worth it. I once had a friend that I loved like a brother (I would have given my life if I had to save his), so deep down I know it is worth it. But I seem to question why it is so. I am a bit split, if I may say so, as I got more and more comfortable being alone (and less and less lonely).

  4. #4

    so you can go on adventures with :o well you can do it alone too really :))

    It is good to have either people you can connect with, which I dont have -or- genuine people with laugh with

  5. #5

    I think that sometimes what you don't like or don't want to do is the best thing for you. Stepping out of a comfort zone can help a person to grow.
    I have had similar thoughts myself, but the point is to share experiences or knowledge which can enhance both people (or not as the case may be). It's a good learning experience to be friends with people. I think you can learn something about yourself and about life generally through interaction with others, although finding people that you really click with and end up staying in touch with for a long time is like the lucky dip prize.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors


    Quote Originally Posted by TheTwin View Post
    Hey there!

    I am very deep in hermit mode right now. A few months ago I had the chance to befriend a lot of people, given the setting, but I had no interest in that. I still have no friends right now (I had some, some years back), nor a partner or anything besides my family and that is fine to me. I am very happy with myself. But...

    (There always is a "but.")

    But something tells me I should pursue friendships again (and maybe even start dating). I can't really name it. I seem to have forgotten why friendships are good but at least I remember they were good as long they lasted.
    Your intuition is telling you that you are in need of a friend. That is why you have this feeling. As long as you ignore your intuition that feeling won't go anywhere. It will keep on bothering you like an itch you cannot scratch. Time to open the front door and walk into the wide world.

    Currently I don't share a context with anyone any more (like school, university or work - the letter of which will possibly change, soon), but I have some ideas to meet people. Problem is, I don't actually feel like doing it. I know I could go somewhere but I don't do it. It seems like a lot of one-sided work that never really is reciprocated (like you put a lot of energy into a relationship and the other does nothing and if you are tired of all that expenditure the relationship is over).
    For an introvert it can really seem that way. We pour in energy, we feel drained after the interaction and we are trying very very hard to be social. An introvert also craves deeper conversations. Sure we can do small talk, but if we are honest...it is not our cup of tea. For an extrovert however things are a bit different. Socializing comes natural to them, thus it can seem as if they put in less effort. What I also find often is that an extrovert likes to talk about a lot of different subjects for a brief period of time. This doesn't mean you cannot have a deeper conversation with an extrovert, au contraire, but you will have to find a right place and the right time. At a special interest club for instance.

    In my experience an introvert + introvert friendships are the best. Introverts are however a minority and we tend to stay at home more often than not. We are out there though! Just start looking.

    So the question is, why do I (or we) even want friendships? Seems like one has to put a lot of energy and time into it, which could be used elsewhere. And how does it even work, making friends (or making love happen)? I seem to only be able to make acquaintances, now, but nothing beyond.
    Why we want friendships? The laughs and the tears you share. The support you give to each other. The fact you can both have lazy days on the couch with them and experience the greatest adventures together. Comradery! Feeling such a deep connection with a person that you are willing to wage war against the world if its necesarry. And those are just a few reasons I can think of! There are many many more.

    How making friends work? Be kind, be open, be positive and friends will find you. If others are in turn kind, open and positive you will flock to them. Once you have found each other and you put in the right amount of effort you can have friendships for life.
    TheTwin, TheTwin, TheTwin and 42 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    I am not going to dispute what the others said above because it's pretty much all correct.

    BUT

    being 100% introverted I rarely feel the need for friends or social interaction. Maybe I just haven't yet found the right friend but what my experience so far has tought me is fairly cynical: unless people can use you, you're not their fucking problem. It's all a matter of use and be used. You need a friend-you find a friend. You feel the need to be supportive-you find someone to support. You need company/someone to talk to/someone to hear you and spend time on you-here's your friend. Reciprocity is confused for something idealistic. And that's all fine -it doesn't really change anything. But I find that before we are social creatures, we are individuals. Society is based on a contract between people. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Reciprocity.
    TheTwin, TheTwin, TheTwin and 42 others thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTwin View Post
    Hey there!

    I am very deep in hermit mode right now. A few months ago I had the chance to befriend a lot of people, given the setting, but I had no interest in that. I still have no friends right now (I had some, some years back), nor a partner or anything besides my family and that is fine to me. I am very happy with myself. But...

    (There always is a "but.")

    But something tells me I should pursue friendships again (and maybe even start dating). I can't really name it. I seem to have forgotten why friendships are good but at least I remember they were good as long they lasted.

    Currently I don't share a context with anyone any more (like school, university or work - the letter of which will possibly change, soon), but I have some ideas to meet people. Problem is, I don't actually feel like doing it. I know I could go somewhere but I don't do it. It seems like a lot of one-sided work that never really is reciprocated (like you put a lot of energy into a relationship and the other does nothing and if you are tired of all that expenditure the relationship is over).

    So the question is, why do I (or we) even want friendships? Seems like one has to put a lot of energy and time into it, which could be used elsewhere. And how does it even work, making friends (or making love happen)? I seem to only be able to make acquaintances, now, but nothing beyond.

    Yours sincerely,
    Me

    I get where you're coming from. One idea would be to find friends that want to hang out but understand your need for space. I barely get to see my friends due to my various individual duties. Wish I had the time and energy to hang out all the time with them! They really bring out a deep warmth within me whenever I hang out with them. I agree with @yippy that introverted friends are better in likeness. I have a couple Extraverted friends who I often get more chummy with than my Introverted friends. But, I see them very sporadically like at friendly get-togethers and such. With my introverted buds I can just watch a movie with and experience the same level of consciousness about it. You should still find extroverted friends because they'll dig you out of your shell, often in interesting and exciting ways.

    In terms of technique when you're trying to establish friendships ( I believe the past answers have done a fine job of explaining why we want friendships, so I felt compelled to take it further.) I would say developing Ne might be of great help to you. I literally just did a bunch of introspective research on this yesterday. Then, gave it a hand at work. Now, I could have been using it wrong. But, I found that people I worked with really responded to my randomness in an interesting way. My coworkers were laughing and actually got a kick out of me being there and being myself. If you haven't yet, research the auxiliary function of Ne. A wise person told me the same thing, and I'm glad I'm starting to recognize my development path.
    TheTwin, TheTwin, TheTwin and 12 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    I really thank you all for replying.
    @yippy: My intuition is a funny thing if it tells me what to do without explanation.

    Maybe I am just afraid to be hurt or to waste my energy again. I had my fair share of lost friendships. Some ended with a situation that ended (like school), some slowly passed away as we lost track of each other and some I had to end, because they were plainly stupid.

    @CosmicYeti: As I currently see it, we are fundamentally alone, even with people around you who may or may not love you. But I nevertheless can't accept this form of reciprocity. For a matter of facts (if you may call emotions a fact), I know how love feels like. I love the children of my cousin, for example, and would gladly give my live for them. What possibly could I get in return from that?

    (Have to leave this comment as it is, have to go now)
    Last edited by TheTwin; 02-12-2015 at 11:03 AM.
    yippy, yippy, yippy and 12 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors


    Quote Originally Posted by TheTwin View Post
    @yippy: My intuition is a funny thing if it tells me what to do without explanation.
    It really does have a sense of humor, doesn't it? Your intuition is actually part of your emotional brain. Unlike your rational brain it does not communicate in words, but purely in emotions/feelings/sensations. Because of that it cannot explain itself. So you need to learn how to listen to your feelings. Establish a link between emotional and rational brain. Easier said then done, I can't always decipher the messages my emotional brain gives me either, but practice makes perfect! A few times a day observe what you feel, try to find words for it, try to find causes for the way you are feeling. In other words try to translate feeling into words. If you can't find the cause right there and then you probably need to introspect a bit more. Meditation can also help with that.


     
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