[INFP] Infidelity


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  • 1 Post By pageofadiary
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This is a discussion on Infidelity within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey all! I just found this place and I think it's amazing. Feel way less lonely now that I've come ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists


    Hey all! I just found this place and I think it's amazing. Feel way less lonely now that I've come to realize that it's not just me being the weirdest person in the world, but that there's actually a personality type I've got.

    Although, there's one thing I can't understand.

    As the rest of you, I'm very aware of other peoples feelings and I tend to always feel bad about things I do, being paranoid that I always hurt someone somehow. But sometimes this just doesn't apply at all.

    I've been in three relationships. First relationship was when I was fourteen and my partner was extremely depressed. I felt as if I couldn't leave him, feeling so sorry for him and not wanting to make the situation worse. So I stayed with him, trying to support him until finally he broke up with me, leaving me as depressed as him. But I moved on and had my next relationship about half a year after that. We were together for two years. It was to really intense years, shaping me as a person and building up both mine and his confidence.
    Although, after about a year, being drunk, I was unfaithful. I couldn't stand lying to him so I told him. He forgave me. A year later, it happened again, but this time, I was in love with the person. I told him and we cried and cried and finally broke up. But thing is, I actually didn't feel THAT bad about it. I mean, being a INFP and all, I did think a lot about how he felt and what was going on inside him and blah blah, but I just managed to live with it. I didn't get overwhelmed by bad emotions, I was mostly sad because of me being in love with this other person, who didn't love me back. So basically I was just feeling sorry for myself, even though I was awful leaving my ex like that.

    The story doesn't end. About a year after, I get into a new relationship. I'm quite sure this person was an INFJ, because she almost seemed telepathic and I just got these empath-vibes from her. Anyway, our relationship was CRAZY. I've never felt so much, both good and bad feelings. I couldn't stop thinking about her and I just felt so incredibly high on love all the time...
    ...until I was unfaithful AGAIN, at a festival when she was THERE. How is this even possible??? And I didn't tell her at all, but of course she got a feeling that something was wrong, so she asked me and I just lied. Lied and lied and lied. I didn't even feel that bad about it. Finally she packed her bags and just left. I ran after her and tried to make her stay but she left, since she couldn't stand me, because she knew that something was wrong. Anyway, she tried to contact me like a million times after this but I've just been completely cold. A couple of times I've felt this extreme desire to call her and see her and I've said it to her, but she's just told me to fuck off.

    But after a couple of months, she started mailing me. Calling me. Texting me. Saying that it doesn't matter what I did, that I'm wonderful and what we had was unique and so on. But I just feel like "whatever". I miss her, but I don't regret what I did.

    WHY? Am I heartless?

    Oh, and by the way, all of these three exes are all still trying to contact me. First relationship was 6 years ago, the second 3 years ago and the third 2 years ago. I've been such a bitch to all of them. Why do they want me back? And why is it that I really don't like any of them? Hmm, might be a typical INFP-thing to get bored with people, but not hurting them?

    (Oh, and sorry for the wall of text. You all know how hard it is to keep to a short text, don't you? Heh.)

  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    I really don't think this is an "INFP thing".

    It seems to me that you sabotaged those close relationships. I don't know why, since I don't know you and I don't have the whole story. It could be something that happened in your past that causes you to push people away and hurt them. Maybe you enjoy the attention of them chasing you? Or your testing them to see, if they love you enough to stay with you after you cheat? Or you like a emotional reaction? Maybe you don't want to deal with the responsibility of breaking up with them so you cheat? These are all guesses though. I don't know why you make the choices you make and I doubt anyone here does either.

    One thing that is consistent is you being unfaithful and inconsiderate to the people you love or deeply like. I think the only way a healthy relationship is possible is if you take a deeper look at your self. Try to figure out what is causing you to cause the people close to you so much pain. I don't know if your "heartless", once again that's for you to figure out and the people that truly know you. I couldn't tell you why they want you back, it could be insecurity or dependency issues, you would have to find out from them.

    I think the personality type has little to do with infidelity.
    There are INFPs who cheat and there are INFPs who don't. I honestly think it depends on the person and who they are. I've learned past experiences have a huge impact on how you handle relationships in your present. Many prefer to disregard that though because it isn't easy to look at yourself.

    I do think that you did come off immature, irresponsible and inconsiderate in those relationships. Just my 25 cents.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    I can relate to some of the things you said. When I was younger (I'm talking high school), I tended to go crazy emotionally over someone, and then sometimes overnight it would just... go away. I think it might have had (for me) something to do with the INFP tendency to build people up and see what we want to see instead of what's actually there. Or other times I think it was just that I'd moved on in my mind and was a slightly different person than I was before, and suddenly that other person no longer "fit". I would just call it quits at that point. I'll admit I did cheat a couple of times, but in both cases I felt fully justified and didn't feel it was wrong, given the particular situations. Overall, though, I was worried I was never going to be able to really commit to someone. Happily, that has proven to not be a problem. So reading what you've written, I would suspect this is a young age thing, and you might not need to worry about it too much. You're clearly concerned about it, and I think that says more than the other things. Of course, it's entirely possible that you have commitment issues and some emotional scarring, and if you feel that's the case you ought to see someone and work through it. I know a guy that has been through multiple marriages, and it's due to some sort of inability to commit/self esteem issue/needing the other person to fulfill something for him that he needs to fulfill for himself. He keeps thinking, "oh this is the one", then a few months later the feeling fades. I didn't get that sense from you, though. Good luck.
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