[INFP] How do you talk to people?

How do you talk to people?

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This is a discussion on How do you talk to people? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; This is kind of embarrassing. I can't seem to properly talk to people. I also get bored of mundane stuff, ...

  1. #1

    How do you talk to people?

    This is kind of embarrassing. I can't seem to properly talk to people. I also get bored of mundane stuff, it is like in and out, gone...I can't remember mundane trivial things either...or things to which I attribute little emotional value.

    With new people I close off, like there is a wall between us through which I can see but they can't. It makes me aloof, seemingly without opinion...distant.

    Would be hard to explain what is really going on. It's like I'm observing and judging everything through what feelings they evoke, then I anticipate many different situations, like a tree branching out.<--this is inside. Outside I'm calm and distant...I can see it on other people, it is hard to communicate with me.

    When writing communication is easy and seamless.

    How do you guys communicate with people? I kinda need to solve this for my new job.

    EDIT: This isn't just for me :) plz do post the way you communicate with others, this will be an interesting topic to discuss.
    Last edited by LibertyPrime; 04-19-2011 at 03:33 PM.
    Kastor, NeonBomb, o0Katie0o and 6 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    @Rim Awh, I get you. I have the same problem and I always dread the thoughts of sorting it out. The only time when I have no problem talking to people I don't know too well is when I'm severely intoxicated with alcohol at the weekend.

    Maybe try switch your perspective up. Take yourself out of your shoes and zoom out. Now how would the situation look? Try not to focus on it so deeply, as hard as that could be, and just let your responses come out naturally. Avoid mechanical approaches.

    Remember: You don't always have to be the social butterfly! You can be your quiet, shy self and still engage in those ''awkward'' conversations.

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by NeonBomb View Post
    @Rim Awh, I get you. I have the same problem and I always dread the thoughts of sorting it out. The only time when I have no problem talking to people I don't know too well is when I'm severely intoxicated with alcohol at the weekend.

    Maybe try switch your perspective up. Take yourself out of your shoes and zoom out. Now how would the situation look? Try not to focus on it so deeply, as hard as that could be, and just let your responses come out naturally. Avoid mechanical approaches.

    Remember: You don't always have to be the social butterfly! You can be your quiet, shy self and still engage in those ''awkward'' conversations.
    I do this too - ah, if only it were that easy! I feel stuck in how everything makes me feel and the emotions act like stale oil clogging the cogs in my head, making it difficult for me to be objective. It means I can't respond very quickly with a snappy retort. I also agree re. alcohol - it kind of lubricates the cogs, shutting down my intensely introverted feelings and allowing me to move past them into a more neutral zone. Of course, drinking is not recommended as a cure-all! It's just an effect I have noticed... I aim to reach this point through being more open about my feelings and taking life a little less seriously. It's difficult, but I think I'm getting better at it, by forcibly shifting my focus.
    Last edited by Rubyet; 04-19-2011 at 05:21 PM.
    NeonBomb, FreeBeer and Confounded thanked this post.

  4. #4

    o.o hmm I wonder how to approach people so they understand me better. I'm comfortable with my short insightful remarks...just wish I could do it in a way that does not make other people feel distant and awkward. Should I just explain and hope for the best? Or will they find that strange ( I wouldn't, in fact I'd love to see the deeper parts of someone's personality).??? Usually my attempts at letting people get to know me better result in them observing that I'm strange. The contrast is kinda very sharp...sort of like a volcano contained within an iceberg ^^.

    XD alcohol yeah, that makes me sort of extroverted too.

    :) so, anyone else? I'm interested in how INFPs interact with people. We are all individuals so it should differ.
    Rubyet thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    I have difficulties with the things you mentioned - getting bored with mundane stuff (also, I have no memory for people's family's names or pets or any of that...I have to write it down if I want to remember it), seeing through a wall, aloofness, etc. I would be happy to tell you some of the things I have had some success with or try to do. It's an interesting thread, and I saw you're back here for some concrete advice on this topic. It would help me a little to know what role you are in at your job as compared to the others you're meeting (same level, different levels as far as position), or if you're meeting them at the office or traveling or meeting clients or what. Also, whether any of your issues are to do with shyness or nervousness around people, or just disinterest.

    :)
    FreeBeer and Rubyet thanked this post.

  6. #6
    Unknown Personality

    I think we all just need to get wasted. Every day. All the time.

    Boom! Problem solved.
    gallimaufry, QueCueYew, lirica and 4 others thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by OpRise View Post
    I have difficulties with the things you mentioned - getting bored with mundane stuff (also, I have no memory for people's family's names or pets or any of that...I have to write it down if I want to remember it), seeing through a wall, aloofness, etc. I would be happy to tell you some of the things I have had some success with or try to do. It's an interesting thread, and I saw you're back here for some concrete advice on this topic. It would help me a little to know what role you are in at your job as compared to the others you're meeting (same level, different levels as far as position), or if you're meeting them at the office or traveling or meeting clients or what. Also, whether any of your issues are to do with shyness or nervousness around people, or just disinterest.

    :)
    Oh wow! The part about people's names really hit home. I can never forget the personality, the face, the voice, expressions...but names :P I'll need to note them down too.

    I do social work, well sort of. I don't get payed for this but since we are in a recession and I can't seem to find a decent job, might as well do something that helps people while I still search around.

    We take care of the elderly, people who have undergone operations or are just too old, are confined to their homes or bed. We talk to the family, their doctor, take them on, the nurses will do the medical work, massage them, change the diapers, wash them with the family and so on. We also handle the paperwork, advising, counseling, clean the house if need be, buy the medicine and that sort of stuff.

    My job mainly consists of paper work, making projects, errands and counseling the elderly (aka talking to them and their relatives).

    It is half way rewarding for me. I like helping people...kinda disappointing sometimes because I have the need to express myself artistically and see the results of my work..which I don't get to. Still it is uplifting for the old folks when we are there with them :).

    This isn't just a problem at work, it kinda bothers me in general. My social interactions lack depth (I kinda need that) and I tend to be aloof, think and feel too much say too little. I like people and people don't seem to understand me, I was shy before (not anymore) and have situational social anxiety (groups of young people make me really nervous <---childhood trauma, undergoing CBT to fix it).

    I'm majoring in psychology, last year. Think I made a mistake. While it is interesting and I like psychology...I don't get to see immediate results and that bothers me for some reason. I value it mostly for understanding non verbal communication, insight into others and self discovery.

    Quote Originally Posted by YeahYeahYeah View Post
    I think we all just need to get wasted. Every day. All the time.

    Boom! Problem solved.
    Boom! There goes my liver! ?_? wait didn't I need that organ!?
    Goosefish and OrangeSoda thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    Exactly OP, i get closed off and distant like i have no Opinion.
    It so strange though, it's like in a classroom i can have trouble talking because my brain is so distracted by the people around me. Like a long time ago, maybe 5 years ago, i was afraid to talk to people, because i didn't want others to overhear what i had to say.

    It's not really the case anymore, but the remaints of that previous fear still carry with me in a small way i believe. I can talk so easily, fluidly, comfortably, when it's just like 3 or 2 people, including myself. My true personality shines through.

    Put me in an environment where i have a lot of people to think about, it's like shit, overload beep beep beep.

    I don't really have that problem at work so much, at least in certain situations. When i speak with my boss, it's like "listen bitch, give me what i want NOW!" that's the tone. Although I run into the same problem, that interpersonal talking about day to day things, just gets me outta the loop. I can talk about experiences, but on a level that is seemingly artificial it's hard for my mind to actually keep it, for a lack of a better word, "dumbed down." Experiences for me can be pretty profound. What i feel when i say that though, is that i'm being a douchebag. Like somehow just because i perceive the world differently i'm better? That's what it seems like to me... I don't consciously think that way about myself... i'm describing mindsets from the past... Or maybe i'm self defeating myself...

    Right now in my life. i talk to people, sometimes it goes well other times i feel i missed a mark. I can keep a conversation that i started about something i find interesting going really well. I don't have enough conversations to speak about this! It's like trying to explain the natural process, you could, but what's the point. To find how to fix it? I can do that as i experience it. Not now, now i must think of entertaining things to do to talk about something worthwhile! haha Well... that certainly needed to be said. For me at least....


    Ranting ranter rants.
    FreeBeer, OpRise and OrangeSoda thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    When I actually talk to people?

    I either look them in the eye and directly address them. Or I jump in on their conversations (bad habit of mine). Sometimes, rarely though, I'll call out to get someone's attention. It's easier, though, to just stare at them for a long time and see if they notice.

    I likely do a lot of fishing, information gathering. I'll get people to tell me their stories or secrets if they will. Anything they feel passionate about, I want to hear. The less talking I have to do, the better. I'll test to see how a person feels about or will react to an issue. I'll try to get people hyped up. Outwardly, I can be annoyingly optimistic. Don't ever tell me you want something and then say you can't have it. And if anyone brings up a problem, even just venting, I will try to fix it.

    Under the surface of conversations, most of the time, I have some sort of agenda. (I want to distract the person I'm talking to. I want to distract myself. I need some piece of information or am curious about the person I'm talking to--want to understand or get closer to that person. I want to test out an idea or theory. I want to convey some message or emotion to the person I'm speaking to.) It's rare that I simply enjoy talking to a person with no underlying motive.

    I am not certain how I come across talking to people. My family tells me I am awkward, socially inept, etc. And I am picked on frequently, though generally in a flirty or you're-so-stupid-weird-but-you're-forgiven way. Whatever. I tend to miss things, get jokes five minutes late, and speak abstractly (I often won't commit to details.). My attempts to speak during class over the past week have resulted in my being accused of selling body parts out of my trunk and being an alien.

    However, as interactions generally feel positive (everyone I talk to is very nice, smiley, friendly, and we generally connect or understand each other on some level), I'm not worried. Though, I would like to become more aware of my words and to develop my speaking habits until they are as composed as my writing.
    krentz, moonradio, refugee and 5 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    Generally speaking, I don't have a great many problems talking to people nowadays but at the same time I often choose not to talk to people I don't think I'd like and have no other reason to talk to. Conversation seems to be as much, if not more, about how you say something as well as what you say so I try to seem friendly and approachable and let a little of my natural energy shine through - if I'm not in a crap mood. The topic depends dramatically on the context. Usually I find it easier to let other people do the talking, and just ask questions to confirm I've understood - but if they hit upon something that interests me, I may offer a few observations. Depending on how the other person reacts to said observations I may try to direct the conversation myself a little, or if they don't 'get it', I will just let them carry on (and sometimes wish for them to stop). It's difficult to describe such a process as every person and every situation is different. What I will say though is that if I have to talk with a group of three others or more, you can forget it. I will chime in every now and then, but I tend to zone out for the most of it (unless we are involved in an activity, like a quiz or a sport I'm giving a group presentation or whatever).

    Also...

    Quote Originally Posted by OpRise
    I have no memory for people's family's names or pets or any of that...I have to write it down if I want to remember it
    That's a good idea! I remember people's names if I have a connection with them but especially if there are quite a lot of them and things are 'surface level' there is not a chance in hell I'll remember. I knew everyone's name at my last job fairly quickly, including most of my clients/learners, but University was just silly. Couldn't keep up whatsoever. Crazy that you're almost expected to know those things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rim
    groups of young people make me really nervous
    Hahaha... I don't think I have ever felt quite so anxious as when I am around a group of early-to-mid-teenagers that I don't know. Particularly if they're in a confined space, like a bus. I feel like I go back in time emotionally and I'm 16 again, and at least one of them is plotting to kill me. Hyperbole or not? Who knows.
    FreeBeer, OpRise and Rubyet thanked this post.


     
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