[INFP] Infidelity


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This is a discussion on Infidelity within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; *Warning- Venting involved* I'll try refraining from including too many details in this post (most are pretty graphic). I can ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists


    *Warning- Venting involved*

    I'll try refraining from including too many details in this post (most are pretty graphic). I can at least understand that people are only human and can give in to temptation but I've been surrounded by so much cheating the past thirty days that it's starting to really mess with my head. To the point where I've probably become jaded against having any romantic relationship right now.

    One of the guys I know with has been having problems in his marriage, and I just found out he cheated on his wife some time ago. I've really come to respect him in terms of being a leader, mentor, and over all a good guy. This would be one of the last things I expected out of him, and I honestly respect less of him for it, even though I feel pretty sh***y about feeling that way.

    Just one example I know of out the numerous I've seen or heard of this past month. I really can't comprehend why people would cheat. I recognize that the temptation's there, and that a lot of people can be under a lot of stress affecting their decision. In the end though, it's a serious rupture in the trust established when you commit yourself to someone. Almost as if you discard your significant other's thoughts, feelings, and commitment as trash without a care in the world. I would much rather work on the problems affecting the relationship, or end it if there is no hope for reconciliation on either side. Perhaps I'm too harsh in my opinion, but this is one ideal I hold tightly too.

    I guess I just need to write out my frustration without being told to get over it, it doesn't involve you, or any other base rationalization. Blah, the hypocrisy between what the people around me say and what they do infuriates me. At the very least I'm glad I can at least express an opinion here without some serious repercussion, and gain an understanding.

    What do you think of infidelity? Is it just a part of human nature? Am I excluding extenuating circumstances that have a serious impact on the reasoning behind cheating?
    snail, Seamaid, krentz and 10 others thanked this post.

  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    I think we are all humans, and we all can fail to follow even our very best ideals. Having said that, I despise infidelity with all my heart, and understand why you feel that way about your friend. If he feels badly about it, then you should not (IMHO) be too harsh. But if he justifies it... I don't know, he wouldn't be my kind of person. Hope I am not coming across as too judgmental.

    It hurts a TON, it's HORRIBLE, and it's UNNEEDED. This stupid macho thing of being unfaithful at will, whenever given a chance, is utterly abhorrent. Those who do so should not have married in the first place. Call me moralistic, but I hate to see people suffer like that! (Again, although not totally related, another reason why I hate players as well!) The ultimate betrayal, although it could be forgiven, and people can and do change some times (it's not common, though.)

    Totally understand your frustration there. Hypocrisy is also one of my main pet peeves as well. May we never do such a thing to our beloved ones.

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Unfortunately, this is reality. Reality is not perfect, so it shouldn't surprise us, but......

    But, there's no need to internalize this drama and apply it to yourself right away. Of course, I'd probably feel the same way if I found out everybody around me were cheating. Then again, I'm reminded of that poem "IF" by Rudyard Kipling where he basically says, "keep your cool, when everyone else is losing theirs" and you will find the answer.

    If it's any consolation, many famous idealists lived alone.
    Seamaid, Stillwater, FaveteLinguis and 7 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    I don't think I'd cheat if I were with someone, but I'm also not a very sexual person. I'm with IncarusDreams with a lot of his opinions about it, I can forgive someone if it's a mistake they regret in the past, but if they're still at it... what the hell's the point of being in a relationship like that? My cousin and her hubby when they first got together had an open relationship up until she got pregnant, they're both VERY sexual people though, I think it takes a certain type of person to be able to have an open relationship and make it work, but they did, and for the most part they were really happy about it, they've been together for more then five years and they're one of the most stable and loving couples I know.

    I think if someone realizes they're starting to be tempted by others to the point where they might cheat, they really need to talk to their spouse, maybe figure out some way to spice things up, and if there's nothing they can do in that area, maybe have an open relationship for a while, I don't think it's really fair for one person to indulge while the other is expected to stay loyal, set up some boundaries and if that doesn't satiate the need, maybe look into counseling or a divorce. I understand the primal urge, and people aren't perfect, hormones, moods and emotions on top of all of that can make people do things they wouldn't have thought possible five years prior, but I think the keys to most relationships are compromise and communication, how can you have a real relationship if you can't talk to each other about your problems or learn to give a little?

    Eh, it's not a perfect world, so no relationship is exactly the same unfortunately, what works for some may not work for others, there's no real solution to the whole problem. All you really can do it stick to your own morals, and stay strong, and try not to let others and their faults influence you and especially mess up your day.
    FaveteLinguis, ii V I, Goosefish and 2 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    This is why I stay clear of monogamous relationships.
    android654, ii V I and pneuma thanked this post.

  6. #6

    I can never blame women for being insecure in relationships. The amount of times I've heard guys openly boast about cheating is just absolutely vile. Honestly though, I'm the kind of person that will call their girlfriend and let them know what's going on. I have no personal loyalty to anyone that cheats.

    Nonetheless, my stance... (re-post since I just answered it recently)
    > Never have, never will, never been cheated on. Truthfully, I think less of anyone that has cheated on another, regardless of reasoning (Note: I'm a loyalty type so this is a huge cardinal sin against the fiber of my being).
    Seamaid, android654, FaveteLinguis and 7 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    She should get even, that's what her husband deserves.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    I don't think people would ever cheat if they were with a true match that they were truly in love with. The vast majority of people settle though, whether they know it consciously or not, and if somewhere down the line, they feel the temptation, it's just another sign that they are not in the right relationship. (Granted, some people are just pigs and not the 'committing' type, but that's beside my point here.) I don't think it is wrong to feel the temptation itself--I think it's wrong to let it get to the point where you feel it. There are many warning signs before this that tell you the relationship isn't quite right for you, and ignoring those is what is morally unacceptable to me--at least for myself. Others--I just feel bad for them, but for me, I would be overwhelmingly ashamed and disgusted with myself if I stayed in a relationship to the point of having the urge to cheat.

    Honestly, I had the temptation to cheat on my last ex. I never felt like the temptation itself was wrong, and I still don't. The temptation occurred because I didn't want my ex, and that isn't wrong, but the fact that I chose to be with him while feeling that way, and chose to be with him through all the previous red flags, was wrong. What I am trying to say here is that it isn't wrong to HAVE symptoms, it is wrong to ignore or placate those symptoms rather than addressing the problem itself. Yeah, it can take a lot to leave someone, but it also takes a lot to quit smoking once health problems begin to develop from it. It's easier to treat the symptoms with meds and keep smoking, just as it is to find any way to make yourself feel better and stay in a crappy relationship. But really, your life is at stake in both cases--and just because it is figurative when it comes to relationships doesn't make settling any better. It crushes your spirit, your dreams, your emotional well-being, and you. That is the sin to me, not the symptom of wanting someone. And of course, addressing the symptom by actually cheating is monstrous on many levels, but the one most prevalent in my mind is the fact that the person could not muster the courage and self-worth fix the real problem and regain their life by getting out of the relationship.

    No, I have never cheated, and I never will. I will also never again continue a relationship that is wrong for me to the point of wanting somebody other than my partner. I am absolutely ashamed that I let it get to that point before, but I will never again sacrifice myself for another. The past is past, and I am happy that my values now will only allow for happiness with another.
    Seamaid, FaveteLinguis, Stolen and 7 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    It sucks, but cheating has slightly jaded my perspective on romantic relationships in general, and my motiviation to strive to maintain lasting ones.

    Like I just don't know if monogamy really works...I'm really skeptical of it as much as I idealize it...

    Even my mother cheated on my father...who can you trust?

    The worst part... it really has jaded me, as now I am involved with a woman who has a boyfriend...
    and now I've seen both sides, and just how easily it can happen, and be rationalized... it causes me to want to be in a monogamous relationship less and less...ridiculous...yes I am...
    FaveteLinguis, Goosefish, dreamcatcher and 3 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    I think cheating is one of the worst things a partner could ever do to me. I am always terrified of being cheated on and I would never be able to fully trust my significant other if it ever happened. No matter how much I loved them, it would have to end. I do not understand how someone cannot fully devote themselves to another person. When I am in a relationship, it is that person and that person alone. When I am alone with another male that is not my boyfriend, I can actually start to feel uncomfortable. If another guy touches me or makes a comment, it grosses me out. I almost view myself as only being seen by him and no one else. So sometimes it can be extremely difficult for me to understand when another person strays.

    I have had friends that cheated on their partners and it completely changed my views about them. One friend was talking to me about her boyfriend breaking up with her and I was there for her every second until she told me the reason 2 weeks later. After that, all I could think is "well... you had it coming", so I avoided any talk about their relationship. I wouldn't completely ditch a friendship over it, but I will not tell them "oh you made a mistake and he should accept that." For me it is "Oh you made a mistake, but now it's too late and you need to deal with it." It's sounds cold, but that's how I view it.
    Seamaid, FaveteLinguis, Stolen and 4 others thanked this post.

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