This is driving me mad at the moment. I sometimes feel cheapened by being a part of other peoples facades, but what choice do I have? I want to connect with people... but as they really are.
Is this it? Am I being idealistic? Is what they are in their manner of behaving what I have to accept them to be? Is it futile to try and penetrate that wall? If not how? Is feeling those indescrepancies just a good a truth as any? I feel like I'm suspended, between a sort of childhood lonliness and truth and a purely situational form of adult togetherness. (Does everyone else feel together?) By situational I suppose I mean living out everything as a distraction from the self... exageration? most likely. But by adulthood I do mean almost everyone I meet I feel like I need to make some kind of decision but have little idea as to what.
Ruthlessly persuing and exalting my own emotions is tempting in the manner of wanting to bring something I know is real into existence/something to be touched... but also something which I have absolutely no desire to do, as other peopls feelings are just as important. So unless alone I often don't, can't even, show anything that I could really call mine, though am beginning to wish I could because what people are filling my time with at the moment is getting to be hard to face. I don't want to feel alone, but I want, NEED to be honest - to live honestly with others. Is this at all possible? argh;sgnlsashudfs