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[INFP:] Observer? Middleman? Peacemaker? Neutral?

6K views 21 replies 15 participants last post by  Justin88 
#1 ·
I'm wondering if any other INFPs can relate to me on this.

When it comes to people, and the arguments that come with them, do you ever feel like you're always neutral on things? Or like you're always the one trying to make friends become friends with their ex-friends again? Do you ever feel like you're stuck in between two decisions, but don't want to make the decision?
 
#2 ·
*observer here* (that's usually an INTP description, I think)

middleman or peacemaker might be good descriptions, too, but I still tend to put ENFPs in that slot more. I suppose that's what the introverted NFPs would do when they're around people too, though.
 
#3 ·
Haha yay, go observers! :)
Yeah, I am definitely a peacemaker/middleman in my friendships, and while I like keeping all of my friendships, I sometimes feel like I'm not being a good enough friend to either of them. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd change the way I am on this, but the saying "friends will be by your side in good and bad," or whatever the saying is, kinda makes me wonder if I'm that good of a friend.
 
#4 ·
I'm really indecisive. When it comes to arguments, I don't really care who is right or who is wrong. I'll just state my opinion and leave it at that. I've also noticed that other people seem to be really competetive when it comes to games. I'm an emotional person, but I never get emotional over a stupid game. I've had people knock all of the pieces off the board during a game of RISK when they are about to lose. I was playing my cousin in chess the other day and he lost 4 games in a row and was getting visibly distraught. When I lose a game, it literally has no impact on me. I don't care if I lose; it doesn't diminish my self-esteem in any way. And it's not just guys. I was playing a girl in chess and she could not handle the fact that I was beating her; and then she quit playing right before I got her in checkmate so that she couldn't actually say that she lost. How childish is that?
 
#5 ·
Haha, yeah, I'm the same way for arguments. Even if someone is "wrong" in my eyes, though, I won't stop being their friend unless it was something really serious or if it was directed at me.
Haha, that's funny, I used to have issues with constantly losing games. However, it was never when it was against a person, or if it was against a person, it was only because they were taunting me or whatever. I used to get really pissed when I kept losing video games. I guess it was because I knew they didn't have feelings and I could get mad at them haha.
 
#7 ·
I don't care about games either. I never get upset because I'm not competitive.

Yes, I find that I am often a peacemaker.
 
#8 ·
*another observer* Oh jeese, Beloved, I thought everyone tried shooting that damn dog :laughing: And as for swearing at video games, well...

How is neutral, observer, peacemaker being used here? Am curious. What is it that you are actually doing, the actions (or intentional inactions) that you are taking?

As an INFJ, I've found if the conflict isn't heated enough to drive me away, I end up working as translator. I'm curious how our middleman styles might be similar or different.
 
#9 ·
Where is conflicter/rebel ?
 
#12 ·
I tend to be neutral, yes. Doesn't mean I'm not supportive, imo.
I'm not a peacemaker or cupido, tho, meaning I don't try to reconcile people. I don't get involved in people's relationships, that's their business.
Sometimes the person who's confiding in me thinks I'm defending their adversary. But the reality is I'm just making sure I give them perspective, because the person might be so immersed in their own subjective experience that they take things personally, or blame the other person, or blame themselves. I provide the objective view they're lacking. This has 2 missions: hopefully going objective will help the pain of the person diminish (because they don't take the situation personally anymore), and I need to make sure the other person is not vilified. The latter... not sure why I have the need to do that. Keeping harmony in the world, perhaps.
I don't take sides, unless the story the person is telling me is really upsetting and makes me think that they are indeed the victim.
 
#13 ·
I always have strong opinions about things, but I'm usually best at being a peacemaker than a debater so I choose to stick to my strengths. I used to try to debate my opinions more but I've found that I'm usually bad at that, since it usually involves using Te when people challenge you.

If I want to get my point across in a debate, I'll usually try to make the other person aware that I respect him/her for their opinion and then offer a different perspective, something that he/she may not have thought about, rather than challenge something directly. If the other person is using the same tactic I can go on for hours in a debate like that, because that type of discussion is using Fi, Ne. But as soon as it goes into directly challenging each other's opinions, I would call that a Te discussion, that's when it's not easy.
 
#14 ·
I'm neutral in almost everything. Often an observer. I wouldn't say I'm an active peace maker, though, just help people understand their emotions and communicate them to everyone. I don't seek out these situations though.
 
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#15 ·
yep.

I like to stay out of other people's arguments...

...but I can often see where two people are misunderstanding or just not saying something in the way the other person needs to hear it, so I end up stepping in and being the interpreter so that arguments don't escalate needlessly.

...and I don't like tension in the air so I will play peace-maker so that I (and others) don't have to deal with the side effects of unpleasantries between two people. I can usually see where both people are coming from and try to find a way to sooth each of them and help them to be willing to give the other person some leeway too.

I won't play the game of middle man when people are just being petty and refuse to talk to eachother, I won't relay a spiteful message. But I will go to the other person and give them my take on what's going on between them and suggest what they might be able to do to resolve things. I will however agree to be a middle man if they both actually want to make peace but their natural personality clashes keep getting in the way when they try, then I will do the interpreter thing again and convert each of their messages into a form the other person will respond better to.

I will often keep my mouth shut about what I really think because I don't want to get dragged into a conflict or because I doubt anyone would listen to my insight or opinion.

And I do tend to be in the middle on things a lot, not really taking one side or another. In some cases I really am neutral and don't see why anyone would bother arguing over whatever it is in the first place because it seems so insignificant to me.
 
#17 ·
You've just described me, basically I think. :) I use exactly those tactics.

Even if I'm not impartial on the disagreement, I'll usually act that way because it's usually much more important to me that there's no conflict. I see that as practical more than idealistic, nothing is ever achieved by unreasonable arguments.

Do you find that you can see misunderstandings between people easier than most people?
 
#16 ·
I'm not sure what is meant by ''middle man''. I tend to be with one foot in and one foot out in almost every situation. An observer undercover. I really love to listen to other peoples dialog's and then give an outside opinion or observation afterwards. When it comes to peacemaking - sometimes, if it is asked and if I really see that the people are fighting for no real reason. Especially if I can see that they are fighting for the same things, just don't realize it. LOVE to listen.

I do tend, however, to somehow bring people into their right places or bring people together (like, I very often notice how, for instance, 2 of my friends could be really good friends or could fit together romantically, so I introduce them to each other. Or notice how someone would be good at doing something, so I get them into the activity (not like push them, but I was working at this one radio station and I have a friend whom I though would really like it there so I introduced her to the place). I like to help people find peace and their ''place'' and am rather good at it :)

About games - LOVE them. And I get competitive, but not emotional. I just really get into the game but I leave my emotions out of it. Especially table football - CRAAAZY :D
 
#20 ·
I don't like arguments they make me feel quite shitty after all has been said and done. But a lot of the times they center around things that I feel deeply strongly about, or issues where I am one-sided and I have a strong opinion on. If somebody crosses me or pisses me off, I feel that I need to set them straight because they are wrong or I feel that an injustice has occured and I need to stand up in the face of that.

When it comes to petty things like games, or gossip, or materialistic pursuits I really could care less. I don't even know if I would describe myself as neutral or observer. I guess 'ignorer' because I just ignore those things.

But when they are issues that are centered around humanity/social justice/womens rights/religous values, things can get heated. Especially if someone disagrees with me, and their arguments are invalid, and they are just wrong.

I also find that I have no problem talking back to superiors at work/authority figures in general, especially when I feel like I am being mistreated. Or when I see that they let their position get to their heads and feel as though they can control me beyond what is respectable anymore. Or when I analyse/observe their behaviour for a long period of time and find many faults with the way they attempt to run things. I bottle everything up inside/file away in my head until they just really tick me off and then I unleash all that in an outburst that tends to do me more harm than good even though there is truth to it.
 
#21 ·
I kinda stay neutral or peacemaker. Actually, if two friends are having an argument, I'd tease both and give perspectives that haven't been considered by any of them. They'll eventually join cause against me but I'm cool with that... that is as long as we discuss stuff that is neutral to me. If it gets too personal for me, I'll just withdraw and change topic to something totally different (though with a quick mention "let's not waste our time fighting").

For boadgames or social stuff, I don't care to win or lose. But it irritates me when people get all involved and turn into bad winner/loser behaviour. Not that I want to win, just that I find it stupid to behave like that. Of course, if I say anything, it'll backfire and they'll say "oh yeah, you're such a bad loser", which will make me more mad... So I've learned to just shut up and let the others behave stupidly. Videogames is a totally different story. There, I get mad because I don't manage to do the stuff that's required. It's more that I'm mad at myself than at the game...
 
#22 ·
I'm able to empathize with each side of an argument usually. Also, I know that trying to change a person's mind in an argument is usually impossible. So, I'll typically remain an observer and just empathize with each side the whole time ^.^

Recent example:
My good friend was in a biking accident with a random girl at on a bike trail which happened at a confusing intersection of many bikers. My good friend was going faster than most bikers and kind of had it coming to her, but at the same time, the other girl did technically was at fault based on the rules of the intersection at the time.

To my good friend:
"It was her fault, she shouldn't have made that turn at that time. I can see why you're so upset, getting hurt always sucks especially when it could be avoided!"

To the other girl:
"It's totally an accident, she wasn't TRYING to hurt you and this intersection is confusing. I can see that you feel bad for my friend...don't worry about it everything will be ok!"
 
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