[INFP] xpost from ISFJ: Trouble with INFP girlfriend. Any advice or stories appreciated ^^

xpost from ISFJ: Trouble with INFP girlfriend. Any advice or stories appreciated ^^

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  • 2 Post By Shalashaka
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This is a discussion on xpost from ISFJ: Trouble with INFP girlfriend. Any advice or stories appreciated ^^ within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hi Personality Cafe! It's my first post so please don't rip me apart if I do this all wrong. Mods, ...

  1. #1
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    xpost from ISFJ: Trouble with INFP girlfriend. Any advice or stories appreciated ^^

    Hi Personality Cafe! It's my first post so please don't rip me apart if I do this all wrong. Mods, I'm crossposting from ISFJ; if this is not allowed please remove it or let me know, and I'll happily delete this post.

    I'm currently dating an INFP woman (we're both in our early 20s). We're almost 4 months in, and beginning to suffer some problems and I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do.

    It seems like the highs are very high (we love each other absolutely when we're both "on" in a sense) but the lows are ridiculously low. There is no in between. All it takes is one mis-communication, one day of me needing some space, or one mood swing from her and we're both in the dumps.

    When I'm not having a great day, I tend to withdraw. When she's not having a great day, she'll lash out at me. I am always happy to try to help her feel better (it's in my nature to want to help) but it always seems that the more logical I get about it, the more upset it makes her.

    My questions are as follows:

    1) if a relationship like this is only super ups and super downs, is it sustainable in the long run, or should I end it while it's not too serious?

    2) people with successful isfj/infp relationships, how do you guys find a happy balance between creating enough space for the isfj and enough nurturing for the infp?

    3) Despite us constantly working on our communication, we have many frequent miscommunications, especially through text, none of which helps her mood swings. Should I stop texting altogether?

    4) And more on the above, how do I effectively deal with her mood swings? Sometimes we'll have a great day or two together, then as I leave she just starts crying. By the time I get home she texts that she loves me; it's all very disconcerting.

    Thanks so much, and please be as blunt as possible. I understand I'm not perfect, and will take any criticism or advice to heart.
    nicoloco90 and Issi thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    I'm not in a relationship with an ISFJ, but he's still a Ti user (ISTP), so I'm familiar with the Fi-Ti miscommunication as well.

    To answer your questions:
    1) I haven't been in my relationship that long either (about the same time as you) so I can't really answer this one (sorry -_-')

    2) For the reason stated above, can't help here either...

    3) Now this, I can answer (for the reason stated above). When me and my ISTP have any sort of miscommunication, we keep explain what we're trying to say, in every way we can, until we understand each other (which usually ends up with us realizing we're saying the same thing, but in different ways). What do you two do to work on your communication?

    4)I suggest just talking to her about whatever mad her upset. Don't tell her what she should do (unless she asks) just listen, that's all we really want. If you feel compelled to give her advice, then say it in a way that sound like a suggestion ("maybe you should..." or "do you think it's possible to..."). Also, do you know what's causing these mood swings? Is there something going on in her life that would possibly make her stressed in any way?

    Some more questions:
    What made you two initially attracted to each other that you decided to start dating?
    Do you share similar values? If so, then converse about them more. This can reminder her that you're on her side if you ever get into an argument/miscommunication, since you two see things similar. This could really help with communication.
    Does she have a problem with you withdrawing? Has it been happening frequently? Maybe she doesn't like that you do that.

    Ask her if she has ANY issues with your behavior and encourage her to elaborate as much as she can on it. You may learn that this could be an issue completely unrelated to you

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Hi irulee, thanks for the response.

    What made you two initially attracted to each other that you decided to start dating?
    We met on okcupid; the conversation just clicked and there was physical attraction. We were almost inseparable over the phone, and she made me laugh.

    Do you share similar values? If so, then converse about them more. This can reminder her that you're on her side if you ever get into an argument/miscommunication, since you two see things similar. This could really help with communication.
    On the surface we do, but how we deal with problems differs so greatly that we might as well be polar opposites. I'm very logical and rational, with pre planning and analysis. She's the obvious (nothing wrong with that of course).

    Whenever there's miscommunication, it's usually her taking a text out of context. I have said nothing willfully hurtful to her, yet she's been offended by a great many things that she later apologized for. This just happens on such a regular basis that I'm starting to wonder if we're truly incompatible; even after lengthy discussions about how I really have no hidden intent behind my texts, she still takes offense to quite a few of them.


    Does she have a problem with you withdrawing? Has it been happening frequently? Maybe she doesn't like that you do that.
    I work full time and by the time I get home I'm exhausted; some days I just don't have energy to call her and I think she takes it badly even though I explain the circumstances repeatedly.


    The more I type this out, the more I'm starting to think this is just really a compatibility issue more than anything, but maybe that's just my bias.
    irulee thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    We met on okcupid; the conversation just clicked and there was physical attraction. We were almost inseparable over the phone, and she made me laugh.
    Have you two met in person yet? It's nice that you two took interest so soon, but it's a totally different when you're in person. If this (and text, or any other non-direct form of communication) is the only way you two can communicate, then it may take longer to break that communication barrier since there are things not there that can help translate your messages (like facial expressions, gestures etc.)


    Whenever there's miscommunication, it's usually her taking a text out of context. I have said nothing willfully hurtful to her, yet she's been offended by a great many things that she later apologized for. This just happens on such a regular basis that I'm starting to wonder if we're truly incompatible; even after lengthy discussions about how I really have no hidden intent behind my texts, she still takes offense to quite a few of them.
    Have you noticed the type of things you text her that she gets offended about? I could be a personal issue she's not over yet. Since she acknowledges her overreaction, at least you know she's not bitter at you about anything (as far a I know).


    I work full time and by the time I get home I'm exhausted; some days I just don't have energy to call her and I think she takes it badly even though I explain the circumstances repeatedly.
    Do your schedules conflict? If it's not too much trouble for you (or her), how about setting up times and days to talk to each other.

    Also, by any chance, does she know about her type, or MBTI? Based on what you're saying, it sounds like she's a little immature at this point in her life. Do you know any thing about her past relationship(s)/life story, and does she of you?

    This may very well be a compatibility thing, but I can't tell right now

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by Shalashaka View Post

    Whenever there's miscommunication, it's usually her taking a text out of context. I have said nothing willfully hurtful to her, yet she's been offended by a great many things that she later apologized for. This just happens on such a regular basis that I'm starting to wonder if we're truly incompatible; even after lengthy discussions about how I really have no hidden intent behind my texts, she still takes offense to quite a few of them.
    Can you give us an example of something she took out of context?

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    Sometimes INFPs carry all sorts of baggage with them which makes them act batshit crazy in relationships. Lashing out, mood swings, inability to give space and taking absolutely everything personally doesn't seem like standard INFP behaviours but it might happen if the INFP is extremely stressed. These things are probably not happening because of you but because of something that has happened to her before she even met you. I think @irulee gave a lot of good advices. Try to find out about her personal history and past relationships to figure out why is she so hurt. Communication is the key and miscommunications happen in every relationship. If she misunderstands you, keep explaining until she realizes what you mean and if you don't understand her just keep asking more questions until you understand what she means. Try to cultivate an atmosphere where everything can be talked about.


     

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