[INFP] Understanding why you hide when you are hurt - Page 2

Understanding why you hide when you are hurt

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This is a discussion on Understanding why you hide when you are hurt within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Frenetic Tranquility What if the person was someone that you idealized, how would that change your response? ...

  1. #11
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Frenetic Tranquility View Post
    What if the person was someone that you idealized, how would that change your response? Would it immediately dispel the idealization, even if it didn't violate a moral? Or would it be perceived as violating a moral - respect?
    If it's someone I don't know that well, I'd say hurting my feelings might dispel any interest I had in them, which I assume would be based on an idealization. I don't know how much I idealize people, and that's an interesting thing to think about, but I feel I'm generally wary of people (even if I'm warm and friendly with them), and I don't often attach expectations to people I don't know so well. If I idealize someone, I think it might be easier for them to hurt me, but I wouldn't want to let them know as I wouldn't want to clue them in to the idealization. As I think about it though, it's hard for me to think of any recent examples of this...that last goes all the way back to crushes in school.

    If it's someone I have come to respect/admire/like, although there may be some idealization built in, one hurt probably wouldn't be enough to dispel anything, depending on how egregious/malicious the behavior is.... I would generally have enough evidence of things I like to make an allowance for people's different moral actions and mistakes. I might even find it interesting, and wonder why they are acting the way they are, as I generally think negative behavior is triggered from somewhere. That said, with someone I'm close to, there comes a certain point where my feelings do tend to "immediately dispel"...the last straw. I feel that's more about self-respect than anything else. Why should I waste my time on someone who's going to treat me like crap, even if I have cared for them deeply? I can't control this reaction, per se... one day enough is enough.
    tkmdr thanked this post.

  2. #12
    INFP - The Idealists

    These days, whether the hurt is intentional or not,
    or from friends or not, I will simply respond with a
    witty comment or tell them the truth about how I feel,
    but in a humorous way.

    With this strategy I don't feel or look vulnerable and genuinely
    don't feel hurt.
    They usually don't dare do it again.

    I use humour frequently, to laugh at myself and to
    diffuse situations. People seem to have more respect
    that.

  3. #13
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Belovodia View Post
    These days, whether the hurt is intentional or not,
    or from friends or not, I will simply respond with a
    witty comment or tell them the truth about how I feel,
    but in a humorous way.

    With this strategy I don't feel or look vulnerable and genuinely
    don't feel hurt.
    They usually don't dare do it again.

    I use humour frequently, to laugh at myself and to
    diffuse situations. People seem to have more respect
    that.
    Well in my particular life case, the INFP isn't really a witty type. She's just super nice, but will cover it up occasionally with a front of being very strong, probably because she doesn't want to feel weak as others have stated.

  4. #14
    INFP - The Idealists

    I try to hide my emotions when I am upset but sometimes is hard because my face and body language says a lot. With my family I am more open when I am feeling sad and angry but when I am upset with my supervisor for example I try to hide it and don't tell her anything to avoid conflict. I pretend that everything is fine until everything goes away.
    Dustdevil, Eolande, Eolande and 13 others thanked this post.

  5. #15
    Unknown Personality

    This is funny. I go into what I call my "cocoon" very frequently, since I've been struggling with a few major issues the past few years. I'll shut myself off from people and activity for days, and almost feel like it is wrong to exist in anyone else's world when I feel so distraught. The only place that's safe is in my cocoon.
    wisdomdreams, Eolande, Eolande and 13 others thanked this post.

  6. #16
    INFP - The Idealists

    I hate negativity... It makes me feel... negative...
    wisdomdreams thanked this post.

  7. #17
    INFP - The Idealists

    If I retreat into my cave when I've been hurt it isn't to hide that hurt from the other person so as not to hurt their feelings. I will be hiding my hurt from them so that I appear to be strong and not shaken by what has happened. I will be analysing what had happened and if I took it the wrong way, what did they mean? Why did they do that? Did they mean to be hurtful? Why am I so upset about it? I really need time to make sense of it all. I also won't ask them these things outright then and there because I want to avoid conflict. However, there may be times when I would outright stand up for myself and be quite assertive, especially if what the person had done or said was morally or ethically totally wrong or directed at someone else, such as a friend or family member. Then I could get really angry but I would then probably avoid them for the rest of my life. lol!
    Dustdevil thanked this post.

  8. #18
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by JenovaProject View Post
    If I hide those feelings, I would hide them from myself as well, the best I could. I dont want to be seen as weak, and I dont want to acknowledge my weakness. Also, I view showing those sort of feelings to another like this...a bullet for your gun, for every tear you see me cry.
    Here, here!

    Is it a logical way to view it? Yes.
    I know part of my retreating and never showing my feelings has to do with not wanting to see others reactions to my weakness of emotion. It either makes them uncomfortable or gives them future ammo to use against me.

    I do not want my feelings to be misunderstood and taken lightly. This goes for sadness, happiness, etc... I do realize that it is an unrealistic expectation of anyone to understand me fully and respond in a loving manner. So I hide myself away and deal with it on my own, like many others. This can also carry over into my more emotionally charged artwork and writing. I tend not show it because my emotions are strongly tied to them and do not want it belittled or rejected. I get no satisfaction from having people see my emotions.

    It is a crime for me to reject anyone's emotions and I place that same expectation on others. To avoid anger toward people unnecessarily and unjustly I keep my emotions to myself until I can learn to deal with it better.

    All I have to say about the reasons I hide my emotions is that it is pathetic... I am working on it.
    wisdomdreams and JenovaProject thanked this post.

  9. #19
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Dustdevil View Post
    Here, here!

    Is it a logical way to view it? Yes.
    I know part of my retreating and never showing my feelings has to do with not wanting to see others reactions to my weakness of emotion. It either makes them uncomfortable or gives them future ammo to use against me.

    I do not want my feelings to be misunderstood and taken lightly. This goes for sadness, happiness, etc... I do realize that it is an unrealistic expectation of anyone to understand me fully and respond in a loving manner. So I hide myself away and deal with it on my own, like many others. This can also carry over into my more emotionally charged artwork and writing. I tend not show it because my emotions are strongly tied to them and do not want it belittled or rejected. I get no satisfaction from having people see my emotions.

    It is a crime for me to reject anyone's emotions and I place that same expectation on others. To avoid anger toward people unnecessarily and unjustly I keep my emotions to myself until I can learn to deal with it better.

    All I have to say about the reasons I hide my emotions is that it is pathetic... I am working on it.
    I don't think it's pathetic at all. Why is it your fault that all you INFP feel more deeply than anyone else? If anything INFP have to be the strongest of all the types, with primary Fe, and I have alot of respect for you.
    wisdomdreams, Dustdevil and JenovaProject thanked this post.

  10. #20

    Quote Originally Posted by Frenetic Tranquility View Post
    So after being in my lair for a while, I've come to this conclusion:

    INFP hide an instance when they are hurt. INFP do this because if they show they are hurt, then others will potentially be hurt by that display. INFP fear this sort of response, because they are so empathic, and if an INFP causes someone else to hurt, the INFP feels even more hurt than the other feels hurt.

    So it's like a ricochet process. Early in life, an INFP learns how this process occurs through conditioning, and as such avoids all conflict and all displays of negative feelings if possible.

    Would any of you say this is a logical way of viewing the tendency?
    No not really, you are describing enneagram type 9. The one thing you are right about is that it hurts me when I hurt someone with how I behave -.-...that is empathy for you.

    If I'm hurt I'm more likely to become "defensive aggressive", my ESTJ shadow comes out and I'll use Te to defend myself verbally. Meaning I'll argue, stand my ground and push back. I push against fear either in "defensive aggressive" reactive way or in a reactive constructive way.

    Inside I'll be hurt, afraid and all that stuff, on the outside it doesn't look like I'm hiding at all, on the contrary. I do not like the whiny passive aggressive approach.

    In essence yes I conceal my real emotions by becoming counter phobic.

    Hmm I do as you described only if I hurt the other person and I'm hurting because of it...mostly when I'm on a guilt trip because of something like that. I'll apologize thou and will try to make it better.

    :P not all INFPs do it the same way.
    JenovaProject thanked this post.


     
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