What I also observed is that i'm convinced that i will die early/soon, no matter if it will be caused by me or an external factor. I'm just unsure, i have the feeling that no matter what i do, i will eventually do something wrong or my bad life habits will eventually lead me to death. I have the feeling everything is wrong with me and it makes me very stressed (ears, eyes, toes, teeth, genitals, heart). I'm so worried by some things. Some are not lethal, but some could be lethal. I'm very worried... . Also the lack of muscles is not good for my self-confidence and makes me have dangerous extreme-low self-esteem, while at the same time i combat that by arrogance and extreme high self-esteem about things i'm confident in (elitist behavior). I have also a lot of mental & psychological problems. The problem is that they're all connected with together and that it is just not one aspect i need to correct but that everything together is just to much for me. I also probably have OCD as well, but I deal with it to ignore almost everything i have to do, so that my brain is released from stress, causing me to become apathetic, to postpone almost everything, to take almost no initiative, avoiding potential problems and not dealing with current problems, because i can't handle it. But at least my life is a bit tolerable with my "no stress-attitude), because i wouldn't be able to relax a minute because almost everything disturbs me (lack of action, lack of events in my life, lack of friends, no daytime activities, isolative behavior, being spitted out by society (or at least feel it and believe it because they did for years)), not to mention my health or material problems (some things are broken, but i can't fix them on my own and i can't fix them because i don't want to be stressed out, i don't want other people in my home and my day/night cycle is so messed up that i'm never awake at the right time to call people to fix it). I also don't feel very motivated to fix it, because why should i if my life is already going so bad. I did a suicide attempt for so much less.... . I also want to be vegan, but i can't because i have the feeling that my lifestyle would be more unhealthy because i have no alternative diet and i have absolutely no idea how to begin with this all (lack of cooking skills, lack of vegan nutrition in shops, own habits, ... ). It's just so annoying, because i feel guilty for still eating meat and i'm currently mad at my mom that she didn't allow me to change my lifestyle when i was younger.
I'm so deep in trouble. I mean i can't even name it all. I mean i rent an appartment, and the lessor wants to break the renting contract because i'm not fixing the problems and because i didn't obey all conditions (i forgot that i had to inform them when my guidance would stopped). I also should probably tell them i'm currently not actively searching for work because they stopped the traject.
I don't know how to solve it. Maybe i should get rid of some habits, but how should i do? do i need to move out of my house, break my renting contract (there is a chance that they will break it and it could be done under orders of justice... If that happens, i would be homeless. And that would be a sign to move to another country, because nothing would keep me here (no people, no home, no studies, no work, no hobbies, ... ), but i have enough money to buy a plane ticket. I would already have done that if i was more sure about my future. If i'm already in so much trouble here, what is it going to be in another country, although a new start would likely motivate me again, and maybe i will become crazy when nothing is happening, while right now i have the internet and i waste several hours each day on it. Without internet, i would be less inclined to stay home, i think. It would be easier with no social anxiety, with no OCD (if i have it, i can ignore it, but it's like i need to ignore it otherwise it's freaking me out), ADD, possibly borderline/autism/asperger and likely other mental problems. My OCD possibly is causing me to make no long-term plans because i feel very stressed out (i need a plan in my head what is going to happen, how i should do something, what i need to do, where i need to go), otherwise i feel unsure, i will postpone it or cancel it (and i almost do that with everything). That's also why i cancel half / 3/4th of the plans i had planned (if i managed to plan something or when i had an appointment. People said it's impossible to meet up with me because of this problem and it's one of the reasons of my isolative behavior. Cancelling it, is always the easiest (less-stressy) solution (and my bad day/night cycle is not helping me either).
It says enough about me that despite living under the poverty treshold, i'm doing relatively well financially, although long-term is not secure because of low income. But my bank balance is good because i'm stingy and i never go out/do special things and because the state of belgium is forgiving for people like me. Possibly the best state to live in, in my position. (born in the right state, but born in the wrong family). There is also not a lot of nature, what makes me depressing as well. Should I take risks, i have to do something. I'm sure that this will lead to my death anyway (being homeless, depressive or even just neglecting health/bad lifestyle), so maybe i have to take risks. And how should i deal with everything that disturbs me (even little details). Maybe my OCD is also the reason why i feel like everyone is so hostile and demanding a lot of me because i imagine that everything i see on the street is disapproving me). It also causes me to feel worrying about being weird & strange, and not-conventional behavior (at home). And the thought of nobody seeing who i am feels relaxing, but i think i would definitely feel uncomfortable with showing those things to other people, because i'm also very ashamed by those things. I also have the feeling that my OCD/all the time being worried (and trying to avoid that) is also connected to my inner shame (constant inner shame and also feeded by the idea that others having a low opinion about me).
I'm sure i'm able to do a lot, but it's just so hideous and it will take ages to fix this (if it's going to be fixed in a lifetime and if the permanent damage isn't very big). I'm ambitious, but it's not counterbalancing all the rest enough.
It's very bad. i'm probably even underestimating my current condition and i don't know how to deal with it, how to solve it, what to change (almost everything). Three years ago, i did a suicide attempt and life worsened on ALL aspects except ironically the financial part. (what's also worrying because it shows i have no expenses on pleasure or good treatment). i'm the prove money doesn't make happy. i'm the prove that an eternal quest isn't necessiraly a good thing. i'm probably also forgetting mentioning other things too. Everything you can name is probably not fine right now, but most things are probably connected by some things.
(i was going to put it in SoC because i had another intention with this post, but i wrote my problems and made an own topic so that people could comment on it).