[INFP] INFP in trouble

INFP in trouble

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This is a discussion on INFP in trouble within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; What I also observed is that i'm convinced that i will die early/soon, no matter if it will be caused ...

  1. #1

    INFP in trouble

    What I also observed is that i'm convinced that i will die early/soon, no matter if it will be caused by me or an external factor. I'm just unsure, i have the feeling that no matter what i do, i will eventually do something wrong or my bad life habits will eventually lead me to death. I have the feeling everything is wrong with me and it makes me very stressed (ears, eyes, toes, teeth, genitals, heart). I'm so worried by some things. Some are not lethal, but some could be lethal. I'm very worried... . Also the lack of muscles is not good for my self-confidence and makes me have dangerous extreme-low self-esteem, while at the same time i combat that by arrogance and extreme high self-esteem about things i'm confident in (elitist behavior). I have also a lot of mental & psychological problems. The problem is that they're all connected with together and that it is just not one aspect i need to correct but that everything together is just to much for me. I also probably have OCD as well, but I deal with it to ignore almost everything i have to do, so that my brain is released from stress, causing me to become apathetic, to postpone almost everything, to take almost no initiative, avoiding potential problems and not dealing with current problems, because i can't handle it. But at least my life is a bit tolerable with my "no stress-attitude), because i wouldn't be able to relax a minute because almost everything disturbs me (lack of action, lack of events in my life, lack of friends, no daytime activities, isolative behavior, being spitted out by society (or at least feel it and believe it because they did for years)), not to mention my health or material problems (some things are broken, but i can't fix them on my own and i can't fix them because i don't want to be stressed out, i don't want other people in my home and my day/night cycle is so messed up that i'm never awake at the right time to call people to fix it). I also don't feel very motivated to fix it, because why should i if my life is already going so bad. I did a suicide attempt for so much less.... . I also want to be vegan, but i can't because i have the feeling that my lifestyle would be more unhealthy because i have no alternative diet and i have absolutely no idea how to begin with this all (lack of cooking skills, lack of vegan nutrition in shops, own habits, ... ). It's just so annoying, because i feel guilty for still eating meat and i'm currently mad at my mom that she didn't allow me to change my lifestyle when i was younger.

    I'm so deep in trouble. I mean i can't even name it all. I mean i rent an appartment, and the lessor wants to break the renting contract because i'm not fixing the problems and because i didn't obey all conditions (i forgot that i had to inform them when my guidance would stopped). I also should probably tell them i'm currently not actively searching for work because they stopped the traject.

    I don't know how to solve it. Maybe i should get rid of some habits, but how should i do? do i need to move out of my house, break my renting contract (there is a chance that they will break it and it could be done under orders of justice... If that happens, i would be homeless. And that would be a sign to move to another country, because nothing would keep me here (no people, no home, no studies, no work, no hobbies, ... ), but i have enough money to buy a plane ticket. I would already have done that if i was more sure about my future. If i'm already in so much trouble here, what is it going to be in another country, although a new start would likely motivate me again, and maybe i will become crazy when nothing is happening, while right now i have the internet and i waste several hours each day on it. Without internet, i would be less inclined to stay home, i think. It would be easier with no social anxiety, with no OCD (if i have it, i can ignore it, but it's like i need to ignore it otherwise it's freaking me out), ADD, possibly borderline/autism/asperger and likely other mental problems. My OCD possibly is causing me to make no long-term plans because i feel very stressed out (i need a plan in my head what is going to happen, how i should do something, what i need to do, where i need to go), otherwise i feel unsure, i will postpone it or cancel it (and i almost do that with everything). That's also why i cancel half / 3/4th of the plans i had planned (if i managed to plan something or when i had an appointment. People said it's impossible to meet up with me because of this problem and it's one of the reasons of my isolative behavior. Cancelling it, is always the easiest (less-stressy) solution (and my bad day/night cycle is not helping me either).

    It says enough about me that despite living under the poverty treshold, i'm doing relatively well financially, although long-term is not secure because of low income. But my bank balance is good because i'm stingy and i never go out/do special things and because the state of belgium is forgiving for people like me. Possibly the best state to live in, in my position. (born in the right state, but born in the wrong family). There is also not a lot of nature, what makes me depressing as well. Should I take risks, i have to do something. I'm sure that this will lead to my death anyway (being homeless, depressive or even just neglecting health/bad lifestyle), so maybe i have to take risks. And how should i deal with everything that disturbs me (even little details). Maybe my OCD is also the reason why i feel like everyone is so hostile and demanding a lot of me because i imagine that everything i see on the street is disapproving me). It also causes me to feel worrying about being weird & strange, and not-conventional behavior (at home). And the thought of nobody seeing who i am feels relaxing, but i think i would definitely feel uncomfortable with showing those things to other people, because i'm also very ashamed by those things. I also have the feeling that my OCD/all the time being worried (and trying to avoid that) is also connected to my inner shame (constant inner shame and also feeded by the idea that others having a low opinion about me).

    I'm sure i'm able to do a lot, but it's just so hideous and it will take ages to fix this (if it's going to be fixed in a lifetime and if the permanent damage isn't very big). I'm ambitious, but it's not counterbalancing all the rest enough.

    It's very bad. i'm probably even underestimating my current condition and i don't know how to deal with it, how to solve it, what to change (almost everything). Three years ago, i did a suicide attempt and life worsened on ALL aspects except ironically the financial part. (what's also worrying because it shows i have no expenses on pleasure or good treatment). i'm the prove money doesn't make happy. i'm the prove that an eternal quest isn't necessiraly a good thing. i'm probably also forgetting mentioning other things too. Everything you can name is probably not fine right now, but most things are probably connected by some things.

    (i was going to put it in SoC because i had another intention with this post, but i wrote my problems and made an own topic so that people could comment on it).
    CasualUsage, refugee, Artemicion and 3 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Too much thinking.

    Bring it back to basics.

    Meditate.

    I don't want to take this lightly. And I don't want to oversimplify. But you're letting your mind carry you away too much.

    Keep a schedule.

    Engage with people a bit.

    You may find that you need to get help in this. I'm not sure if there is a community clinic where you can get some counseling, but it does help. It helps when professional listens and helps you get to deeper truths and gives you tools to deal with problems occur. The tools work! There is CBT, EMDR ...those types of things that counseling can bring.

    If you buy a flight ticket and leave the country, the problems will go with you. I mean: a new town and the feeling of a clean slate and the necessity to adjust to the new place will give you a change up, but eventually those problems creep back in.

    Leaving the country would be a risk, and in my opinion, you might want to just stay where you are and build up a healthy condition for yourself.

    Keep posting on this forum. I see that you post regularly - and you post interesting things. This is great!

    And it takes time! You can't expect results over night.

    And you have to commit to it, you have to stick with it. Every day.

    Really, it's every minute. Every minute you have a choice. The choice: am I going to let life overwhelm me? Or am I going to go with the flow of life? Can I find what is the truth in this moment. Not worry about past stuff or future stuff. Your pathway away from all the scary thinking is your presence right in this moment. If you brain gets too busy, just accept it. The brain is going to be busy for a while. I have to ride it out. Don't fight it, it's like quicksand. But don't pull more quicksand on top of yourself. Don't follow the thoughts. Just watch them as they come. Don't seek them out. Don't be dominated by thoughts. Minute to minute, you're thinking: "Okay, thoughts are occuring to me. That's okay. Okay, but what else is happening? Oh, I have an appointment. Pretty soon it will be time to start getting ready. How is it outside? Oh, there's a breeze. Oh no, there's those thoughts again. Oh well. What else? Am I sitting or standing? What do my feet feel like on the floor? What do my hands feel like? There's an energy around my hands. Okay. I hear a noise. What is that? Oh, a bird. Great. Oh no. Shit, there's the thoughts again. That's okay. What else is there? A memory. A fond one? A bad one? Oh well. What else is there? I'm going to straighten up around the apartment. I think I'll focus on that. Feel the water as it comes out of the faucet. It's cold. Smell the cleaners. It smells like lemon. What else is there about this present moment? I'm feeling a sense of order now that I've cleaned the apartment. Great. Okay, now what?

    Keep asking this question in your mind: What else is there?

    And don't go negative all the time when you answer this question.

    What else is there?

    These things I'm worried about? What are the chances that they'll actually happen? BE HONEST. These things probably won't happen. Some might. Some might not. Be honest: life is not totally negative. Negative...positive...it's all in your perspective.

    It's a self-inquiry.

    What else is there - besides the worry. What else is there? There is a lot, and it makes life worth living.

  3. #3

    I am in a similar situation, and I fear you will be disappointed by the answers you will get, because there's nothing that will alleviate the troubles you are in. The only solution to feel better is to improve your situation, only through decisive action. You need a strong drive, you need to be at your best, which I believe is the hardest you can be asked for in your current state. For what it's worth you have my sympathy. Life can be harsh like that, and without the proper tools frankly overwhelming.
    Sangoire, CasualUsage and Laeona thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP

    @CasualUsage all that he said!

    Honestly there is no actual harm in expressing your thoughts on an online forum, or ideally therapy (professionals who cater in psychology). My ENTJ friend has guided me (along with my own intitiation) to adapt a growth mindset so a lot of issues I have I try to find solutions. The way I discuss about my "problems" is very progressive so rather than "I have issues" it's "there are some areas that need to be worked on" etc.

    Mindfulness can help a lot! I'd say if you have a peaceful environment around you and have time in the day to relax and not let people disturb you (this is something I struggle with so mindfulness is difficult for me) then I'd take the opportunity to focus on your breathing and be in the present. Also.. talk to lots of people! Whether it's about your problems or just casual topics.
    CasualUsage, Sangoire and Laeona thanked this post.

  5. #5

    First of all,
    make a drawer, or a room in your heart for all the analyses, thinkings and feelings about yourself and your situation. Lock it up just for now, and every time you reach out to open it, tell yourself - not just now. You will approach it eventually, but first you need to do something with your outside life.

    What you need first is a job that you will love.
    you mentioned nature, I can connect to that - I recently found a really satisfying temp job, basically being in the forest for at least 8hours a day. If you are a nature person just a bit, this is like a therapy I promise you!
    A job you like will provide you secured existence where you'll come home and actually feel good (most people go to work counting down working hours). This is essential, make this your starting point.

    If you want to move to another country do so, but anyone European outside of Scandinavia will tell you to stay in Belgium. High standards, and as you said yourself, country actually tolerates peoples mistakes. You do have great life circumstances, one of the best in Europe.

    this is about practical shit.
    What you need to understand, is that the biggest factor in your problem is over-thinking. You probably get a thought that triggers more and more of thinking, which ends in severe emotional responses and terrible states of the mind, and heart. you might think the solution will not be that simple, and that you should analyze to the core to solve it out, to burn it out;
    but trust me the solution is not to think at all. Stop picking your wounds or it will never heal. Don't think about your disorders, because there is a fair chance you'll start making excuses for yourself based on it, and that way you'll never take control.
    When thinking what to do, besides "normal" strain of thoughts I like to put myself on the outside. If someone else came to you for an advice, with same exact story, what would you conclude and recommend to them?


    Finally, I understand we INFPs think it won't apply to us because we're so emotional and special, but the solutions really are simple. Have a vision, make a list a plan, and stick to it. It was when I stopped thinking about my problems, and occupied my mind with actual tasks, that I healed beyond every expectations. Please try this approach you might be surprised.

    Let me know your thoughts on all of this. I see you're in a bad situation and feeling very bad, so I'd like to help more (if you find my thoughts helpful). I'll be keeping an eye on this thread :)
    Laeona and Sangoire thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Everyone is providing solid advice here. What I'll add is: Become comfortable with yourself. Accept all these pieces of yourself that you can't change and learn to work inside their confines. You look at them now as strangeness or limitations. They are a part of you. Embrace them. Own them. ;) They don't have to limit you. Find new ways. INFPs are good at that.

    And break things down into bite size pieces. Right now you are looking at everything as a whole and thinking it all has to be changed now. That's a perfect way to stop yourself from moving forward. If you break things down into tiny pieces, you can work on them a little at a time, and feel proud when you accomplish something. As you make more and more progress, you'll be able to tackle even bigger challenges.

    And it's okay to be afraid. Do things that scare you. Even if you don't know what you are doing. Even if you think you are going to mess up. Don't let that stop you from trying. Once you've done it, you have the experience under your belt. It won't be as scary the next time.
    CasualUsage, Sangoire and 7r4m0n74n4 thanked this post.


     

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