[INFP] Opinion on INFP boyfriend? - Page 2

Opinion on INFP boyfriend?

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This is a discussion on Opinion on INFP boyfriend? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by ProcrastinatorsUnite2moro Hm, I can see how you'd get that vibe from what I'm trying to say, but ...

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ProcrastinatorsUnite2moro View Post
    Hm, I can see how you'd get that vibe from what I'm trying to say, but that's not where I was coming from. I'm not saying I want a "fan", I want an equal obviously. My problem isn't that he's not pumping my ego anymore...I'm less bothered about the actual compliment as to the fact that I'm clearly making less of an impression on him that he doesn't feel compelled to say nice things to me anymore...which would make me think he's gotten bored of me. I still tell him often how much I appreciate him and I do care about him a lot. He absolutely loathes any kind of confrontation and I worry that he could become bored and not end things just because he finds it easier...


    You say you guys do things together often, talk a lot, he goes out of his way to help you and he wants to go on holiday with you... yet, you're worried about "compliments"? Perhaps it's due to the large differences of how I see view a relationship- as compared to your views on it- but, I still don't understand why you need him to say "nice things" when he's putting his words into actions.

    If he says "I can't believe you'd date me..."- to me, I'd just see it as 'okay, and...?' but, if he were showing it (doing things with me, being around me, talking to me, going out of his way to help me and proposing to go on holiday with me, etc.)- then yeah, I'd understand why he'd say that comment in the first place because no one in their right mind would want to be around someone (or help them with anything) if they didn't like them.

    I wouldn't view it as him not being interested in you. Judging by what you've said- he seems like he's showing you that he likes you. If you were to flip this scenario: he talks about liking you but, never shows it vs. he shows that he likes you but, doesn't verbally tell you as often as he once did- which would you choose? (I think he might have said those things because the relationship was so new and there was no history between you two/to go on but, now that you guys are together- he's able to put those comments into action.)

    Again, perhaps it's my views that I find superficial comments as a mere "side dish"- rather than being the "main course"- that I just don't find it to be that bad of an issue. If it's comments that you want; I would express it to him and maybe he'll put in the effort to say things but, I highly doubt it will mean anything to him if he doesn't feel compelled to say such things on his own.

    Anyways, best of luck.

  2. #12

    Ask him why he doesnt say the sweet things he used to anymore? Don't say 'why dont you compliment me anymore?' because that is/sounds needy. I hope you feel like you can ask him about this now because if you can't inquire how eachother feels based on their actions in a relationship it will probably be full of misunderstanding, distrust, confusion etc. (basically just not good lol). Also remember to be sensitive about it, it could be that he has a deeper issue that's stopping him from feeling like be sweet, or he may have not realised that he stopped and he could be embarrassed or get defensive, or maybe he might even be upset that you care and react like some others in this thread, wandering if compliments were the only value you ever got from the relationship, and whether that's selfish (I don't think this about you by the way haha ^-^) but nonetheless you should say something I think, because you care, or cared at some time, and I think it's therefore important to both know about and understand. If you can't sensitively get him to open up (ie not just pestering him until he cracks and otoh not being too direct/intrusive/assuming) maybe an infp boy isn't for you.. but i hope that be is, and i hope this helps :)

  3. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by ProcrastinatorsUnite2moro View Post
    Surely it's a bit soon for that phase to be over :P
    I think so too. How long did you guys (got to) know each other before you became a couple? New people are always super interesting, and if theyre nice and charming its easy to be sweet and flirty with them until the point where you learned everything - and then realise that you don't want to be as close anymore longterm.

    However you both agreed to be together so it was a thought out plan. It may just be him being this way, or he is not sure yet about how much he loves you and don't want to intensify the relationship more / deeper as of yet? Maybe he's a bit unsure/scared and tries to cool it a little for now and see how it goes and where things go? I think this is common behaviour in new relationships. My INFP ex did the same thing. Like a beginners hurdle.
    Everyone is different, but yea, as I recall I didn't stop with saying the nice things and being outspoken about love in my relationship. I would stop it though if I felt that this is not what I wanted, but I don't start a relationship unless i'm 100% sure and all-in.

    I guess you just have to give it some time and see where it goes and what he does. It's easy to make it 'more' or read more into it than it may be. If it really starts to worry you then you should communicate with him of course :)

  4. #14

    I think this is more a case of he thinks you know and he doesn't want to be repetitive.

    You do want to say something. And don't worry if other people say that you shouldn't want compliments, you DESERVE compliments OFTEN. A daily thing is not realistic, but at least weekly, absolutely realistic! And you have to bring it up, in a sweet non-acusatory way.

    So it confuses me why he's just stopped saying nice things to me :(
    Don't worry, sometimes INFPs are not super expressive with their words. I know I'm not, and this used to hurt my ex partner, poor thing! I had no idea that I wasn't being expressive with my words, because I express my adoration via my actions. Like I will cook for you, and buy you slippers to walk in my house, and support you with your classes and help you study, etc etc. And words of affirmation is something that isn't super natural to me, BUT!!!! That doesn't mean we don't want to give you that, but reminding us that you need it is of immense help.

    I half want to say something, but I feel like I shouldn't tell him to pay me more attention.
    From you post I'm not reading it as if what you want is more attention. I'm reading that what you want is more words of affirmation. Am I reading this wrong? You stated that nothing else has changed, and you enjoy plenty of attention. And I quote:

    What is funny is that he hasn't showed a lack of interest in other ways, we still talk constantly, hang out often, and he still offers to go out of his way to help me/does me favors, suggested we go on vacation together.
    That is acts of service & quality time. Those are my top 2 love languages as well. Words of affirmation is important, but it's not a love language that I speak fluently.

    It should come from him or it's not really sincere...?
    Nonono. This is a misconception. And I understand the sentiment & the logic behind it, but it's not true. He is used to keeping feelings inside and to express them via actions, not words. Most likely because he has a belief that actions speak louder than words.

    I had my boyfriend ask me for more verbal validation, and I was like "OMG I had no idea you felt this way! I'm so so so sorry, let me correct myself!" and I made notes in my phone to remind myself to be more verbal. It is not insincere AT ALL. The feelings are there, and they consume us, so much so that we do behavioral affirmation for our partner, because we have a need to express love. It's just a matter of being fluent in different love languages.

    It's just... we might think that we are repetitive if we say something too much. Because repetitive = I see myself as an annoying person if I think I'm repetitive.

    Bring it up to him. Now if he's willing to be more expressive, don't be surprised if over time it fades again. This doesn't mean anything as long as he's still doing acts of service for you & having quality time. It fades simply because, like I said, it's not a love language he speaks fluently, so his muscle in this department is not strong. So he might forget to do that after a while. But don't freak out, please. Just bring it up again, without being mad or anything.
    Last edited by entheos; 10-23-2016 at 07:21 AM.
    Laeona and Reindeer of Santalales thanked this post.

  5. #15

    Quote Originally Posted by entheos View Post

    That is acts of service & quality time. Those are my top 2 love languages as well. Words of affirmation is important, but it's not a love language that I speak fluently.


    I had my boyfriend ask me for more verbal validation, and I was like "OMG I had no idea you felt this way! I'm so so so sorry, let me correct myself!" and I made notes in my phone to remind myself to be more verbal. It is not insincere AT ALL. The feelings are there, and they consume us, so much so that we do behavioral affirmation for our partner, because we have a need to express love. It's just a matter of being fluent in different love languages.
    The "love languages" that Entheos is talking about, if you haven't heard about it before, can be found here:
    Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

    They are: "Words of Affirmation", "Acts of Service", "Receiving Gifts", "Quality Time", and "Physical Touch".

    Which of those five love languages we value most are the ones we tend to use toward other people, not realizing that they may have different ways they like to be shown love. It may be you value "Words of Affirmation", while he values "Acts of Service" and "Quality Time". Knowing this, you both can adjust how you show love to the other.
    Reindeer of Santalales and entheos thanked this post.

  6. #16

    Eh, I just broke up with an INFP boyfriend a month ago...the beginning was very much like you described, but in the last week of the relationship it all kinda fizzed out. And I ended it for various reasons, but that's besides the point---

    what matters most is what he told me his last relationship had been like:

    He'd dated this one girl whom he was infatuated with and complimented often and all that stuff, but as time went on he felt more and more uncomfortable about the situation and stopped saying those things, but continued dating her because he didn't have the heart to break up with her. I hope for your sake that's not what's happening, but honestly it's what it sounds like.

    So I suggest asking him directly if he's happy with your relationship at the moment. If he seems really hesitant to say something, you have your answer.
    Laeona and L P thanked this post.

  7. #17

    And when the infp gets sugary, he is blamed for being too sweet and emotional. why do women complain so much about relationships, what do they want from men?


     
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