[INFP] Learning how to say no to helping people

Learning how to say no to helping people

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This is a discussion on Learning how to say no to helping people within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I always find myself helping people even if i dont want to. I feel like its an obligation when i ...

  1. #1

    Learning how to say no to helping people

    I always find myself helping people even if i dont want to. I feel like its an obligation when i know damn well its not. I just think about how if I were in their position id want help to... then again i dont ever really ask anyone for anything.

    At the same time I'm growing extremely frustrated with myself for always wanting to help even at my own expense/ if im not in the mood/ dont feel like being bothered by people.

    Whats the best way to say no, without lying or making an excuse. I really want to just plainly say "No,sorry" or something more forward : "No, i dont want to". Idk ive learned that it takes a strong person to continuously be generous to those who can do little for you in return.. think im tired of being strong,lol. I think im more afraid of what happens when i say no - how do you calm your mind and tell yourself thats ok?



  2. #2

    Just say no, who knows you better than you, you dont have to be mean or inconsiderate, based on your post i doubt you are even capable of that, but your thoughts, feelings or opinions are just as real and valid as anybody else's. If someone has a problem with a polite no thank you then that is on them, not you.

  3. #3

    See I had that reassuring thought before but then I was labeled as selfish - I guess that's another thing. Smh, never can win

  4. #4

    I had this problem. I would isolate myself to recharge then when I would come out of hiding I would be like a "yes man" and just say yes to everything and then isolate myself when I ran out of energy.

    The key is to not get frustrated at yourself, but to care about yourself. Love yourself. Treat yourself just as you would treat someone else. Give yourself things that you need. And never feel guilty about it. Always give things to yourself with confidence that you are doing the right thing. Smile at how good you are to yourself.

    Its sort of like a guy working out at a gym and he's wanting to be stronger but he's not training right. He's training non-stop and wanting to be the best but he's not using the right form, not taking time to recover, not managing his diet, not planning ahead... he's just moving weight. Then his back starts hurting and he's like "ok I have a problem." And he learns new techniques, etc, and instead of changing his styles he's doing the same bad habits!

    the only way for that guy to change is to swallow his pride and realize he needs to start fresh. He can't be pushing 400 lbs with improper form, he has to push 100 lbs with proper form. If he doesn't change his bad habits, his back will never feel good for the rest of his life.

    So start loving yourself with all of your heart. You may seem selfish at first by saying no to everybody but at least you're doing it right.Then after some training you can push heavier weight (AKA say yes more often).

    edit: now compare your line of "idk I've heard that it takes a strong person to continuously be generous to those who can do little for you in return. Think I'm tired of being strong." with the guy who just wants to be the strongest weight lifter. It's not enough to just want it. You have to train correctly.
    Last edited by Stelliferous; 11-01-2016 at 09:24 AM.
    tryingtodobetter and Santa Gloss thanked this post.

  5. #5
  6. #6

    @TheJ thanks so much for sharing this with me, put things into a lil scientific perspective! love it.
    TheJ thanked this post.

  7. #7

    "I'm sorry, I can't." It's polite and non-committal. If it's through text/online, you can add a frowny face or something haha. You don't need to offer a specific excuse, because then it can turn into a lie which a) doesn't feel right and b) can cause trouble if it's discovered to be a lie. It's also best to avoid saying "I can't right now" or "I can't that day" because the person asking might take it as a request (or opportunity) to not back off but to reschedule, and then it gets harder to say no.

    You can't because you need time to yourself. You can't because you need to recharge emotionally and mentally. You can't because of personal health and wellbeing reasons, and you don't need to offer those reasons. It's you that has the power when people ask you for help after all. It's not rude in itself to decline, as long as it's done politely. People will understand that you can't always be there all the time, and if they don't understand that, then they may not be healthy people to be around in the first place.
    Santa Gloss and tryingtodobetter thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Very well said @VertigoH thank you (:!

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by tryingtodobetter View Post
    I always find myself helping people even if i dont want to. I feel like its an obligation when i know damn well its not. I just think about how if I were in their position id want help to... then again i dont ever really ask anyone for anything.
    Look, it's the feeling that'll never go away. The need to help, the urge to jump in people's problems.
    Embrace it.
    Try to slow down your reaction when asked for help. Don't just say "yes", take a moment or two. You can do one thing, or take a part of solving a problem, not whole of it. Try compromising.
    Practise saying "I can try", "what's the details", "Let me think about it" and so on. Just to postpone the promise of helping, get stuff organised in your head, and do what you can and not taking the whole burden.. And that's it. Do not promise. Leave some space for thinking it over.
    But the urge and instinct will never go away :)
    VertigoH and tryingtodobetter thanked this post.


     

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