The thought of having kids is probably the most unclear, confusing, and biggest fear that I can think of. I don't feel like I have many fears or anxieties. Usually if I start to feel anxious about something, I'll usually research the shit out of it until I can figure out a definite answer. For children, I still have no answer. Even though I'm an INTJ female, I still consider myself on the more feminine side. I do enjoy many "girly" activities. I love cooking, doing makeup, shopping, dressing up, doing my nails, watching ridiculous rom-coms... you know those type of things. Yet, I am definitely not emotionally available and expressive like other women. I don't know how to relate when it comes to certain emotionally sensitive topics and I have a 'just get over it' type of attitude, which seems very conflicting to a motherly figure. The number one thing that I absolutely can't relate to with other women is when a girlfriend tells me how much they can't wait to be a mom - that they have this unreal maternal instinct within them and they can't wait to have a million kids. Even when I see other kids in public, everyone is asking the parents: "oh my god, he/she is so cute! How old are they? *inserts a million of other questions of interest towards the child," I am almost repulsed/uninterested.
Right now... I feel stuck. I don't know what I want. I fear the unknown. Everyone says once I have kids, it'll be different... That I'll feel this undying love towards my child and want to sacrifice my time and everything for that child. Will I? How do I know? I know who I am right now. I know I love my alone time, I know I want my freedom and independence, and I know I like to be selfish and think about ME, a lot. How am I so sure it will be different once I have kids? The problem is, I do envision the happiness it'll bring. I love the idea of a family. I love the idea of spreading the love and knowledge I have to offer to my future kids and watching them grow. However, I also had two parents who made me feel extremely misunderstood growing up .. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. They were ESFJ and INFP btw, and it was borderline impossible to relate to them. Growing up now, I just learned to understand their mannerisms and who they are, but growing up and not feeling like I could openly communicate and be ME to my parents as a child/teen was sheer torture. What happens if I have an extremely emotional kid where I need to provide emotional support/empathy but I literally cannot?? I feel like everyone grows up saying that they'll be different from their parents, but then they end up repeating their mistakes. I feel so conflicted. Do I give it a chance to experience true happiness of having my own family and risk regret or do I follow through with my decision to not have kids and risk regretting it years down the road when I'm 60?
Just hoping somebody could share some insight.
1. If they shared similar fears as me but then parenthood proved to be extremely amazing and rewarding.
2. How it's like as a logical parent to deal with an extremely different/emotional child.
3. If it's not as bad as I'm making it out to me and it's just some childhood trauma that doesn't make me want to put my future kids through what I went through.
4. Or simply anyone who's empathizing with my fears.