[INTJ] INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry?

INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry?

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This is a discussion on INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; My fellow INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry with someone & are ...

  1. #1

    INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry?

    My fellow INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry with someone & are clicking or hitting it off with them? Please describe your experience with either a platonic, or romantic interest.

    I personally feel a connection to someone when we can communicate non-verbally & they understand & respond accordingly. I think my eyes & facial expressions are quite expressive. Another strong indicator for me is physical touch, non-sexual of course. When conversation flows smoothly & isn't forced. Sometimes you just "click" with someone & it's instant. I have felt that "chemistry" with a potential SO & it feels like a tingling inside, excitement of what might be. My mind starts to race, & I can't stop thinking of all the possibilities. It really doesn't happen very often for me, so I was wondering, if you all have had that experience, & if you were able to pursue that connection?

    I have had about 3 female friends who I instantly hit it off with but our friendships were short lived because they moved away. As for the guys it's been about 5 but we never continued contact past the initial meeting. So in those cases it must have only been on my part because otherwise I'm sure we would have exchanged contact info. It's just something about those individuals I can't forget & wonder, what if?
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  2. #2

    So a friend asked me, "how do you know when someone likes you?" I told her I don't know unless they tell me directly. There's been a few times where I thought there was a connection with someone, but apparently it was one sided.

    Last year I met a soon to be divorced dad at an event, ended up helping him w/his baby the whole afternoon. I was even doing great w/small talk, because it seemed like there was something there. I left the opportunity open in case he wanted to ask me out, by asking him where there was a good place to go for dinner that evening. I figured if he's interested he'll invite me to go eat. Yeah well, he gave me a couple of places to go to, but didn't offer to go together, so I figured he's just not that into you. However when the event was over, he lingered a bit like he wanted to ask me something, so I stayed put for a while, & gave him a compliment on his parenting, but he didn't tell me anything so I left. Admittedly a little disappointed, but with no regrets on my part because I felt like I gave him many chances to ask me out, or exchange info but he didn't jump at the chance.

    I don't know, it's never seemed to be the right circumstances. I guess I always figured that the person I'd end up with, would be someone who I had a connection with. Maybe that's my intuition talking, but I thought that somewhere along the way, there would be someone who was drawn to me, that understood me, & wanted to be with me. However that has yet to take place. The guys that have asked me out, were not someone I could see myself with, so I turned them down. I just thought one day the right person would come along. Maybe that's why I get a little disappointed, when on the rare occasion, I actually do "click" with someone, & it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. I imagine that if someone sees something in me, they won't let me get away, & will make an effort to be with me no matter what the obstacle might be, the more creative the better.

    Edit: This is just my experience but I would like to hear your experiences.
    Last edited by Mmmm; 08-26-2018 at 07:25 PM.

  3. #3

    For a connection that's either platonic or romantic, I'd define it pretty much exactly how you did: being able to communicate non-verbally and end up on the same wave-length, "getting" the other person (at least to some extent) and having them "get" you. I feel like my pool of friends is tiny because I'm picky, and don't want to force friendships with people I don't feel a connection with. I'm not sure whether more extroverted people have an easier time connecting that way, or just aren't as picky with their company.

    Romantically, intution normally tells me whether someone likes me or not. I know that's not very helpful, but there are a lot of statements and body language than indicate whether someone is into you and I think that normally I process them so quickly I suddenly "know" they're interested. Just because someone is attracted doesn't mean they're emotionally available, confident, or otherwise ready to date, like the single dad you mentioned. You never know, he might have even had trouble making the first move, especially with a tiny mini-human in his life. People are complex, and your hunch isn't necessarily wrong even if things don't go the way you'd hoped.
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  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by Mmmm View Post
    Edit: This is just my experience but I would like to hear your experiences.
    well . . . i think agency is a thing. as in, other people not only aren't going to validate or ratify you, but they probably also can't and shouldn't. so, i do remember feeling like this at one time, but i didn't find it very viable personally.

    there's also the thing that a person who sees you, wants you, sets out to get you and ignores all barriers is a stalker. basically, and i speak from a little experience there. so that fantasy is a pretty double-edged sword, and imo neither side of the sword is a very good one. nobody 'knows' me who hasn't had me participate in the process of being gotten-to-know. and anyone who believes that they do when i have not been participating, that's not a romance or a soulmate for me. it's a problem.
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  5. #5

    I have several close friends who I now have a connection with but they were by no means instant. It took years of work, getting to know each other before I considered them to be my friends, rather than acquaintances. My friends personalities are different than mine of course, but there are still times when something I say gets a confused or shocked look, & they tell me, that I never cease to amaze them. There are times when I give them a disclaimer before speaking because of this.

    So I don't necessarily think that understanding comes with time, people sometimes just don't "get you" because we are different. I guess that's why I look for a deeper connection because there are some things words cannot convey, you either understand or you don't. Case in point: My mother has "known" me my whole life but doesn't have the capacity or desire to understand me.

    Of course I never expect someone to "know" me without actually going through that process, but I do wish for reciprocity on the order end, where that person isn't just waiting for my mouth to stop moving, so they can talk about themselves. I want an interchange of thoughts & ideas, a person who actually listens, & gives generously, not just taking, or using.

    @lilysocks I've had stalkers too & they are not something I wish on anyone. No means no!
    Maybe you are right, it's probably just an ideal or fantasy, stuck in my head.
    Last edited by Mmmm; 08-27-2018 at 11:12 AM.
    lilysocks, Gerd and ewdenore thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Can't say that I've analyzed a connection. You know it when you have it.
    L P thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by ponpiri View Post
    Can't say that I've analyzed a connection. You know it when you have it.
    Exactly my thoughts.

  8. #8

    A connection is when two things link together. Like, red is connected to blood or ham is connected to pig. You know, there's something that comes to mind when you think about it.

    I know I have chemistry when I start mixing random stuff like bleach, or when I'm talking about atomic structures or something. Although, the latter sometimes bleeds into physics and then I get super confused. Actually, I can't really answer, because the lines between chemistry and other sciences are too vague and also I'm not a scientist.
    INTJ's are though so I've bet they've got this topic down.
    secondpassing thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I think I'm just missing my ENFJ, he seemed to be able to lower my walls & defenses, without my knowledge. Before I knew it, I was so emotionally connected to him, it literally hurt my heart. We would communicate without words just through a simple glance.
    Sorry I'm getting all mushy.
    Little Red Riding Hood, ewdenore, L P and 1 others thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    What constitutes a connection... I feel it as certain "vibe". It usually means that we can talk for hours, we "get" each other. There is certain effortlessness in the interaction, sometimes sort of hunger to discover each other's way of seeing the world. It can also be based on similar sense of humor, mutual "trolling", poking fun at each other, playful banter. This applies both to friends and romantic interests.
    Romantic interest is trickier. I don't flirt that much and I can be very oblivious to people dropping "hints" that they are into me. There has to be all of the above + some kind of physical attraction/sexual chemistry.
    I think it never happened to me that I'd feel a "connection" that would be one-sided. But it happens to my INFJ friend all the time, so I guess Ni can sometimes provide erroneous data.
    I also discovered that there is a pattern to types of people that I "connect" with. They are usually INxx types, ENTPs and ENTJs.
    Mmmm and Necrofantasia thanked this post.

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