[INTJ] Ending a Relationship - Downside of the Analytical Mind HELP!

Ending a Relationship - Downside of the Analytical Mind HELP!

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This is a discussion on Ending a Relationship - Downside of the Analytical Mind HELP! within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hey everyone! I'm Fabia, a 22 year old INTJ female. There's something on my mind, that I cannot talk about ...

  1. #1
    INTJ

    Ending a Relationship - Downside of the Analytical Mind HELP!

    Hey everyone! I'm Fabia, a 22 year old INTJ female. There's something on my mind, that I cannot talk about with anyone for others' (family and friends) inability to follow my thinking process. So I came here to gain some clarity.

    In 2016 I entered a relationship with a man (25 in 2016, I was 20 then), who was my first kiss when I was only 16. He was (and still is) a friend of my sister who is in his age. After we kissed, I was too shy to ever talk to him again and avoided him whenever I visited my sister and he could potentially be around. I did not talk to him for is years, until in 2016 he texted me because he had heard from my sister that I was to decide whether to go to Columbia University in New York or Boston University for exchange (from Sweden). His sister had attended Columbia and he offered me to give me his sister's contact details, to ease the decision.

    We ended up talking from time to time, and the conversations were rather exciting (butterflies) and interesting. He had been working abroad for four years at that point, and as soon as he returned to Europe he came to visit me with my sister in Stockholm, Sweden. It was awkward at the beginning, but eventually he made me feel secure and safe (comfortable with him).

    We got together as he and his friends went to the same island for summer vacation as my sister and I. We spent more time together and got together eventually. I was so happy, it was my first relationship (ever) and after I was mistreated by a guy I had been seeing before (the first one).

    Eventually, the relationship was long-distance and his introverted predisposition (even though ENFP) made me feel incredibly insecure (no material for analysis). He always told me that everything that makes me, as an INTJ, very much fascinates him, but I got the feeling with time that this was no longer the case and that he got rather frustrated with it. Ex.: I want to solve problems immediately, he waits them out. I discuss problems to find the most accurate portrayal of the 'truth' and to evaluate the best action to take, he tells me that the past doesn't matter that much and that I should just move on. Other things happened too, like he paid fines for speeding and was not able to visit me because the money was gone.

    THIS IS WHAT THE THREAD IS ABOUT

    To cope with such insecurity, I usually seek safety in analysis. I weigh all possible ways to interpret actions, words etc.. I broke up with him once I was back in Europe following New York in Spring 2017. He had told me all along that we will see each other face to face and figure out what to do together. But he eventually called me one day before he was supposed to meet me and canceled on me. He was unable to speak the words, so I had to and he cried bitterly for two hours straight (me too).

    Since then the analysis machinery has been running in my mind, non-stop. I was basically done with it at some point, because I realized that there is no objective truth I could find and that counterfactuals are impossible to investigate.

    But I saw him again last weekend (first time since he visited me in NYC) and since then my mind has been running again. Somehow I still love him, but I can't be with him because none of the conditions changed (distance etc.) so the outcome would be quire clear (breakup).

    Can anyone relate to this flight into an infinite loop of analysis and re-evaluation? Or, to the fact that you are actually incredibly sensitive and this messy mix of emotions and rationality? How do you cope with it?

    Sometimes I'm close to giving up. I have no energy left, and instead of rebuilding my trust in myself I get caught in this maze of analysis. Please help! Urgently Needed



  2. #2

    Is there any way you can shelf this for the time being? You seem to be in the eye of the storm, it seems to be getting to you, and I doubt anyone could get any kind of meaningful answers from introspection in this state. Possible Ni-Fi loop. Gotta pause to take care of yourself.

    From the outside here is what I see
    - You two operate differently in a way that didn't lend itself well to synergy.
    - You both seemed to realize on an intuitive level that it wasn't working.
    - Long distance just wasn't helping.
    - Yes you saw him again, but so what? It's been a year. Did he talk about reuniting? If not then it seems like your mind is wandering off on its own isn't it? For all you know, he may have been dating other people already.

    Why reopen this? What are you trying to obtain?
    Last edited by Necrofantasia; 09-22-2018 at 09:15 AM.

  3. #3

    i think it takes me a pretty long time to run all the scenarios before i truly feel like i've used them all up. once i get to that 'ran them all' point, then i know the answer: there isn't an answer to this. i'm never going to get to a final, fixed assessment of what went on.

    i also think that the big thing for me is to reach a point where one part of my mind gives me permission to just leave it in that incomplete state, and quit trying to figure it out. and scenario-crunching is a component of getting to there.

    idk; i learned a lot in an indirect kind of way the last time somebody broke up with me. so even if none of the scenarios was one that i ended up resting on in a permanent sense, i still think that i got something of value from the whole thing. trying all those different interpretations and perspectives widened my mental scope, and i do think that that helped me get to where i oculd just let it go. for one thing: what it gave me was an (again) lived experience of 'there are so many angles to look at this from'. i had to get reconciled to the fact that objective absolute truth just isn't present in everything.

    and for another: those scenarios let me try out all the emotional range of reactions and feelings as well. it was a process of me sorting through them all, because something in me internally did want to arrive at a final emotional take about it. even if the facts coudln't be determined i wanted that emo-take stability. and agin, i personally think that i only got there by trying on all the different ways of feeling until i had sifted out the one that i felt i could or would inhabit for life.

    tl;dr: i guess you could say that i think in some situations i give up on hunting for absolute and concrete fact, and it becomes more aobut just looking for whatever emotional stance will be 'true' because it's the one that i'm probably going to stay with over the long term.
    Necrofantasia, ffl, EyesOpen and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INTP

    Quote Originally Posted by lilysocks View Post
    i think it takes me a pretty long time to run all the scenarios before i truly feel like i've used them all up. once i get to that 'ran them all' point, then i know the answer: there isn't an answer to this. i'm never going to get to a final, fixed assessment of what went on.

    i also think that the big thing for me is to reach a point where one part of my mind gives me permission to just leave it in that incomplete state, and quit trying to figure it out. and scenario-crunching is a component of getting to there.

    idk; i learned a lot in an indirect kind of way the last time somebody broke up with me. so even if none of the scenarios was one that i ended up resting on in a permanent sense, i still think that i got something of value from the whole thing. trying all those different interpretations and perspectives widened my mental scope, and i do think that that helped me get to where i oculd just let it go. for one thing: what it gave me was an (again) lived experience of 'there are so many angles to look at this from'. i had to get reconciled to the fact that objective absolute truth just isn't present in everything.

    and for another: those scenarios let me try out all the emotional range of reactions and feelings as well. it was a process of me sorting through them all, because something in me internally did want to arrive at a final emotional take about it. even if the facts coudln't be determined i wanted that emo-take stability. and agin, i personally think that i only got there by trying on all the different ways of feeling until i had sifted out the one that i felt i could or would inhabit for life.

    tl;dr: i guess you could say that i think in some situations i give up on hunting for absolute and concrete fact, and it becomes more aobut just looking for whatever emotional stance will be 'true' because it's the one that i'm probably going to stay with over the long term.

    This is so nicely written. Ty for this. Somewhat similar situation going on with me, as you described (except that mental scope part). I got encouraged reading this.
    lilysocks thanked this post.

  5. #5

    I am usually quite fast to analyze situations, over and over again. Sometimes however the emotions have to pass, have to play out, before things can calm down.

  6. #6
    INTJ


    I can understand how you're feeling, I felt the same with an ENFJ. Every time I saw him, I felt like I was right back to the beginning. I hated that because I knew we couldn't be together, & that he probably didn't even feel the same about me. But he just had this power over me. The way he looked at me, or touched me, made my head reel for weeks after seeing him.

    It's hard to break that Ni-Fi loop, but it is possible. Try to distract yourself, with a new project, or study, anything that will help you break the thought patterns directed towards him. As was mentioned, distance is key. Distance yourself from anything that reminds you of him, which I know can be hard, because when you are in that space, it can be literally anything. So at least focus on the big stuff, like pictures, videos, audio, gifts, anything directly associated with him, needs to be out of sight. The good thing is that you are still young, & you can find love again. At least now you have a better idea of what works for you, & what doesn't. Hang in there.
    Amyra thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I know its hard but you need to find a way of getting your mind interested and focused on something else :(

    Strangely enough for me, the last time I was in a situation very much like the one you are, I had to start playing video games a couple of hours before going to sleep.

    It was the only way I could stop thinking about the topic because the nights I had to go to bed while having those thoughts in my mind, were a few time hellish.

  8. #8

    I agree with @javier .
    I was in a similar situation. And we've got back together. But time passed by and I finally broke up with him. We just weren't meant to be. It hurts really badly, but you have to try take your mind of it. Try different things and you will find one that will help you. I read a lot of fantasy books then. Different worlds took my mind of it.
    javier thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by momoness View Post
    I agree with @javier .
    I was in a similar situation. And we've got back together. But time passed by and I finally broke up with him. We just weren't meant to be. It hurts really badly, but you have to try take your mind of it. Try different things and you will find one that will help you. I read a lot of fantasy books then. Different worlds took my mind of it.
    I'm pretty scared right now, because I (well.. me and everyone else that knows me irl) think that I should break up with my current gf...

    We care a lot for each other but we couldnt possibly be more different, and even though I thought at the beginning that the differences where just superficial, I've started to notice that they actually run pretty deep and that are values aren't compatible.
    And she is also an INFP so good luck to me, if I want to change her values

    She is also very indecisive and not proactive at all, so its gonna have to be me the one to bring up the topic of breaking up


    Sigh* Im really not used to relationships, I somewhat didnt expect them to be this hard, I've only been in two relationship my whole life and the first one ended very much like the one you described and my current one is heading there as well.

  10. #10

    Oh! I never meant to do this. Me and my ex(ENTP) had some core problem - different approach to some ground rules. We thought that we could work them out but it only torn us apart. And he never didn't really wanted to change so... yeah.
    It took me a lot of time to decide to break up with him but I was sure it is right thing to do. But it is not that like it is a rule or something.

    You should know deep down what is happening.


     
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