Hey everyone! I'm Fabia, a 22 year old INTJ female. There's something on my mind, that I cannot talk about with anyone for others' (family and friends) inability to follow my thinking process. So I came here to gain some clarity.
In 2016 I entered a relationship with a man (25 in 2016, I was 20 then), who was my first kiss when I was only 16. He was (and still is) a friend of my sister who is in his age. After we kissed, I was too shy to ever talk to him again and avoided him whenever I visited my sister and he could potentially be around. I did not talk to him for is years, until in 2016 he texted me because he had heard from my sister that I was to decide whether to go to Columbia University in New York or Boston University for exchange (from Sweden). His sister had attended Columbia and he offered me to give me his sister's contact details, to ease the decision.
We ended up talking from time to time, and the conversations were rather exciting (butterflies) and interesting. He had been working abroad for four years at that point, and as soon as he returned to Europe he came to visit me with my sister in Stockholm, Sweden. It was awkward at the beginning, but eventually he made me feel secure and safe (comfortable with him).
We got together as he and his friends went to the same island for summer vacation as my sister and I. We spent more time together and got together eventually. I was so happy, it was my first relationship (ever) and after I was mistreated by a guy I had been seeing before (the first one).
Eventually, the relationship was long-distance and his introverted predisposition (even though ENFP) made me feel incredibly insecure (no material for analysis). He always told me that everything that makes me, as an INTJ, very much fascinates him, but I got the feeling with time that this was no longer the case and that he got rather frustrated with it. Ex.: I want to solve problems immediately, he waits them out. I discuss problems to find the most accurate portrayal of the 'truth' and to evaluate the best action to take, he tells me that the past doesn't matter that much and that I should just move on. Other things happened too, like he paid fines for speeding and was not able to visit me because the money was gone.
THIS IS WHAT THE THREAD IS ABOUT
To cope with such insecurity, I usually seek safety in analysis. I weigh all possible ways to interpret actions, words etc.. I broke up with him once I was back in Europe following New York in Spring 2017. He had told me all along that we will see each other face to face and figure out what to do together. But he eventually called me one day before he was supposed to meet me and canceled on me. He was unable to speak the words, so I had to and he cried bitterly for two hours straight (me too).
Since then the analysis machinery has been running in my mind, non-stop. I was basically done with it at some point, because I realized that there is no objective truth I could find and that counterfactuals are impossible to investigate.
But I saw him again last weekend (first time since he visited me in NYC) and since then my mind has been running again. Somehow I still love him, but I can't be with him because none of the conditions changed (distance etc.) so the outcome would be quire clear (breakup).
Can anyone relate to this flight into an infinite loop of analysis and re-evaluation? Or, to the fact that you are actually incredibly sensitive and this messy mix of emotions and rationality? How do you cope with it?
Sometimes I'm close to giving up. I have no energy left, and instead of rebuilding my trust in myself I get caught in this maze of analysis. Please help! Urgently Needed