[INTJ] INTJ confused by another INTJ - Page 2

INTJ confused by another INTJ

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 21
Thank Tree21Thanks

This is a discussion on INTJ confused by another INTJ within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; @ brightflashes Should I stop writing him? Knowing that he needs space, even if he won't say it? I guess ...

  1. #11
    INFJ

    @brightflashes Should I stop writing him? Knowing that he needs space, even if he won't say it? I guess I'm afraid that the immature part of him will say, "I knew it. Love is stupid. Whatever." And that'll be that. Is it safe for the relationship to wait for him to initiate contact?

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by lilysocks View Post
    i dunno . . . i mean, straight intj woman might not be the best translator of gay intj men young enough to take off for 2-month trips to asia and such.

    but one thing that struck me in your saga was the opening salvo. you said:



    i disagree with the way you took it. as mentioned, i'm not a gay intj male young enough to jaunt around asia, BUT i'm here to tell you that 'friend' for me is a prerequisite for any kind of a 'dating' setup. they're not mutually exclusive; one is a mandatory requirement for the other one. i've never gotten physical in any sense with a person i didn't feel at ease with. and friendship is what it takes to feel that kind of ease.

    so with that said i'm going to make a complete guess that the on/off is vulnerability/response to rejection. and i'm going to say that to me it seems like you guys are signalling at one another but the awkward is because you haven't really filled in that friendship blank yet. there's a lot of jousting and awkward oveture/reject going on but you don't seem to know one another that well.

    as to what to do about it? i'm afraid i don't know. it feels to me like there's a certain type of levelling that hasn't taken place yet, i.e. about what each of you wants or hopes for from the other one (as opposed to just in the completely generic first-date-question type sense).

    gl.
    Thank you for your post. You are right, I can see how his response is not necessarily a negative one. It's true we don't know each other that well and I'm trying to get to know him better. I think I will take it slow and focus on my own life for now. My only fear was that by not showing enough interest I would send off the wrong signals to him.

  3. #13

    Quote Originally Posted by AnneM View Post
    @brightflashes Should I stop writing him? Knowing that he needs space, even if he won't say it? I guess I'm afraid that the immature part of him will say, "I knew it. Love is stupid. Whatever." And that'll be that. Is it safe for the relationship to wait for him to initiate contact?
    If he isn't telling you not to, it's safe to keep writing him. But if you *know* he needs space but won't say it, distance yourself. You don't have to think of it so much as "waiting" as much as going with your gut to see if it's correct. And if you ever get too anxious in the mean time, you can always send a quick note saying that you feel either "confused", "concerned", or that you need "clarity". These three words won't put him on the defense and also tap into a man's natural need to fix things. Of course I'm generalising men here, but if you are confused, he'll want to un-confuse you. If you're concerned, he'll want to reassure you. If you need clarity, he would be happy to explain.

    I don't consider it manipulative because it's just speaking to a man in a way that he will understand AND it gets the agenda met. I consider it speaking his language when I do that. I only use this when I really need something taken care of, though. I mean, I'd be desparate if I am going to pull out what I call "the three Cs".

    And this isn't anything I've gotten from a book. It's entirely made up in my head - as far as I know at least.
    Blue Flower and AnneM thanked this post.

  4. #14
    INFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by brightflashes View Post
    If he isn't telling you not to, it's safe to keep writing him. But if you *know* he needs space but won't say it, distance yourself. You don't have to think of it so much as "waiting" as much as going with your gut to see if it's correct. And if you ever get too anxious in the mean time, you can always send a quick note saying that you feel either "confused", "concerned", or that you need "clarity". These three words won't put him on the defense and also tap into a man's natural need to fix things. Of course I'm generalising men here, but if you are confused, he'll want to un-confuse you. If you're concerned, he'll want to reassure you. If you need clarity, he would be happy to explain.

    I don't consider it manipulative because it's just speaking to a man in a way that he will understand AND it gets the agenda met. I consider it speaking his language when I do that. I only use this when I really need something taken care of, though. I mean, I'd be desparate if I am going to pull out what I call "the three Cs".

    And this isn't anything I've gotten from a book. It's entirely made up in my head - as far as I know at least.
    Yes, I have pulled out "the three Cs." About to put a fourth in there, too. "Don't be such a fucking CUNT." :)
    brightflashes thanked this post.

  5. #15

    Quote Originally Posted by brightflashes View Post
    If you're really interested, since you're a guy and you won't be thought of as too aggressive for doing it, just tell him that you really like him and that you'd like to know the best way to reach him so that you could plan to meet up again.

    I personally respond very well to no BS, no flirting, etc ... Not knowing where I stand sorta drives me insane, so I need for someone to tell me where I stand with them so I know I'm not wasting my time. I am incredibly fortunate that the person who matters most to me uses direct language like this and no flirting/games.

    But I also get that for some people, the games can be fun. Sorta like dancing, yeah?

    I'd just be like ok dude, let's get a bit more serious about meeting up. I like you, I'm intrigued. I wanna know more. Let's make it happen. It's terribly easy for me to say this in hindsight given that I'm not "dating" anymore and haven't in a VERY long time. I mention that only because I remember when I was younger and dating was like super stressful. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't been so uptight about it.
    Quote Originally Posted by AnneM View Post
    Okay, here's a question. What if you sense that your INTJ needs space, and you respect that, and you ask him to be very clear about needing it so that you, as an INFJ, can have the proper motivation to STFU. But he doesn't say, "Yes. Please leave me alone for awhile."
    Thank you for your posts. A few days ago, spurred by my friend who said the same thing (stop dancing around and let him know you would love to see him again), I asked him out. In hindsight I wish I had waited a bit because as I said, he's starting an important job this week (after being on vacation since April). I basically texted him and said, "I know this will be a busy week for you but I would love to see you again."

    He replied a few hours later and apologized for the late text as he was busy doing chores and said "let's wait to see how I'm feeling after the first few days of work. I imagine I'll be very busy getting into my new routine and focused on work".

    Once he said that, I totally understood. He really is busy with getting his personal life back on track at the moment. Dating is not his priority. I know this is stalkerish, but I noticed he hasn't signed in to the dating app on which we met for over 2 months.

    @AnneM post is *exactly* how I feel. I definitely sense that he needs space and takes time to open up. And while I don't want to point blank ask him "are you interested in me as more than friends" (because I feel that is too soon and pushy and wouldn't want someone to do that to me), I attempt to gauge his response by seeing how often he interacts with me on social media. While he no longer initiates contact since around the time he started his new job, he still responds to all my questions.

    Anyway TLDR: I think this INTJ is just busy with his career and is not focused on dating at the moment. I'll give him a 2-3 weeks to get settled and then reach out and see if he wants to grab a bite to eat. In the meantime, I will interact with him on social media in a non pushy way (like his posts or stories without expecting a response) just so he doesn't think I have lost interest.
    lilysocks, brightflashes, Blue Flower and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #16

    Actually, another question. From what I've read, introverts, generally speaking, hate small talk.

    What is considered small talk?

    For me, if I'm at a party with someone I don't really want to be with, and they ask me, "how many brothers or sisters do you have?" or "what do you do for a living" -- that to me is small talk. But if someone I have a crush on asks me that, I would take that as them trying to get to know me, and it's not small talk.

    I guess what I'm saying is, for an INTJ, does what is defined as "small talk" depend on who is doing the talking?

    I noticed for this INTJ that I'm crushing on, sometimes if I text him something out of the blue (such as a random meme I saw), he will read it but not reply (he might be busy or something so I don't necessarily take it personally).

    However, when I ask him "how's your weekend going / do you have any plans this weekend / how are you feeling about your upcoming week" - he always answers and will open up. However, I fear that these kinds of questions are "small talk" and that too much of this constant check in will push him away.

    Thoughts?
    Blue Flower thanked this post.

  7. #17

    Quote Originally Posted by missmyintp View Post
    Actually, another question. From what I've read, introverts, generally speaking, hate small talk.

    What is considered small talk?

    For me, if I'm at a party with someone I don't really want to be with, and they ask me, "how many brothers or sisters do you have?" or "what do you do for a living" -- that to me is small talk. But if someone I have a crush on asks me that, I would take that as them trying to get to know me, and it's not small talk.

    I guess what I'm saying is, for an INTJ, does what is defined as "small talk" depend on who is doing the talking?

    I noticed for this INTJ that I'm crushing on, sometimes if I text him something out of the blue (such as a random meme I saw), he will read it but not reply (he might be busy or something so I don't necessarily take it personally).

    However, when I ask him "how's your weekend going / do you have any plans this weekend / how are you feeling about your upcoming week" - he always answers and will open up. However, I fear that these kinds of questions are "small talk" and that too much of this constant check in will push him away.

    Thoughts?
    It's one of those MBTI things I'd take with a grain of salt. Generally speaking, small talk acts as an opener to conversation. Not sure why he isn't replying to memes, though. There should be a certain 'flow' to your interaction (giving and taking) - ask yourself how that is working maybe?
    AnneM thanked this post.

  8. #18

    Have you wondered maybe there's something.. unique about him?

    Even I as an introvert, would reply to Gifs. You know why? Picture tells a thousand words. Don't even need to compose a text. How's my day? Put a gif of someone dying on the street. It's not something about him being an introvert or extrovert.. seriously

  9. #19
    INTP - The Thinkers

    I find it difficult to respond to funny pics or gifs, I may do a lame haha or something. But relying on them a lot can be like social interaction life support

    Maybe if you want to hook into him, ask him about deep interests, better if they are shared interests. It won't be a gauge of whether he's interested in you.. But he'd probably think more often about talking to you or more chances at conversation. It also sounds like there is shared awkwardness in who-goes-first but I was under the impression intjs like putting "let's do this or that" into action quickly, so maybe you are both frustrated by that. Like maybe if someone says "Hey we are having lunch at such-and-such place 1pm" or "you are coming to my place to hang out and watch my collection of shitty horror films on friday 5 pm" there might be relief. Otherwise maybe perpetual ambiguity will pry you out of the trail of interest. I think our types are easily mystified about social interaction and forgetful of people if the interaction doesn't make much sense

    I eyerolled at the "you missed your chance" part lol. Can't expect people to understand your intent like that! So silly and a bit conceited. But I'm willing to bet in an emotionally vulnerable way. Don't people say that when they're afraid of rejection so they draw a line and call "time" hastily?
    Last edited by Kiwizoom; 07-12-2019 at 11:38 AM.

  10. #20

    I personally wouldn't respond to a meme every time just because the meme is itself: it doesn't require commenting on. If this person is an INTJ and leads with Ni, know that he is a perceiver first. It takes a bit longer than others for this person to come to a conclusion worth mentioning back.

    Asking a question seems like it's serving a purpose, like there's a good reason to answer, so I'd have an easier time answering a question because it's asking for me to share something about me.

    I consider small talk basically talking just to fill space. And it's obvious to me when it happens. If you already have this guy's contact information, he has already decided he wants to hear from you.

    As for what some other people have mentioned about conversation flow, that is a bit of a concern. If it isn't coming naturally, it might feel forced on his end, too. Also, I keep coming back to that comment he made about the missed opportunity. That was sorta a jerk thing to say. If a guy said that to me, I'd be really offended. But then, I know that flirting is a thing that some people are really into and it could have been totally light hearted.


     
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Just another confused person. IxTP, maybe another INTP?
    By Scarecroww in forum What's my personality type?
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 09-17-2015, 02:17 PM
  2. [INTJ] ENTP confused his INTJ crush. I'M CONFUSED.
    By hobofoo in forum INTJ Forum - The Scientists
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 07-29-2014, 12:17 PM
  3. [ENFP] HELP!! Yet another INTJ confused about an adorable ENFP..
    By iNeT in forum ENFP Forum - The Inspirers
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 01-02-2013, 10:05 PM
  4. [INTJ] Another confused INTJ/INTP
    By Reje in forum INTJ Forum - The Scientists
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 11-19-2012, 04:24 AM
  5. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 06-02-2011, 08:45 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:26 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0