[INTJ] INTJ confused by another INTJ

INTJ confused by another INTJ

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This is a discussion on INTJ confused by another INTJ within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Hi all, I'm an INTJ male here (although I have sometimes been typed as ISTJ). The TLDR is that I ...

  1. #1

    INTJ confused by another INTJ

    Hi all,

    I'm an INTJ male here (although I have sometimes been typed as ISTJ).

    The TLDR is that I met a fellow INTJ - I think he is interested, but I'm not really sure. As an INTJ myself, I can understand his need to take things slow, but I wonder if I'm misreading him and that he's actually telling me he just wishes to be friends.

    A few months ago, I met another INTJ male on a dating app. He initiated the first message (simple 'Hey'), but then didn't respond after I replied with an equally pathetic 'Hey'. A month went by, and I reached out again. This time he was more responsive and asked that we move the conversation off the dating app into a social media app.

    He initially paid me some very direct flattering comments, such as "gotta be totally honest here, just based on your pictures alone, I'd love to grab dinner". He also asked for selfies and would compliment me.

    I could tell he was a bit awkward on our first date, but at the end of the date, as he was getting out of my car, he announced, "I'm gonna give you a hug" and proceeded to give me a warm hug as he left.

    I felt there was mutual interest after our first date. I attempted to ask him what he was looking for, and he replied "friends/dating" (which I took to be a lukewarm response). He turned the question on me and I explained that I was ideally looking for a long term relationship but understand those are hard to come by, so I'm ok with whatever happens. He replied "I agree with all of that".

    After the initial date, a month went by and we didn't see each other. I tried to ask him out, but he was busy switching jobs, and so he told me to wait until after his interviewing was done. Then, he left for a 2 month trip to Asia.

    However, in the time between our first date and when he finally arrived back from Asia, he would be very responsive to my social media posts. He would frequently like my posts and even send private messages sometimes saying how he was jealous of my travel and wanted me to take him to wherever it was that I was posting from. He would also compliment my photos and say I was very cute or attractive or what not.

    After he came back from Asia, I thought it would be game on.

    One afternoon, he was lounging in bed and said he was feeling lazy. He casually mentioned that I should just go over to his place and nap. I didn't say anything because I felt it was out of character for him to say. Ten minutes later, he said his friends wanted to go out and grab drinks, and he said "You missed your opportunity". Only then did I clarify if he was asking me over, to which he said yes, and that he only cuddles in the afternoons, and at night he's likes to sleep alone.

    When he revealed this to me, it was very clear he was interested in something, as I don't think anyone would suggest a friend come over to cuddle.

    I also finally mustered up the courage and I invited him to get dinner to celebrate his new job. He seemed enthusiastic to meet up. The dinner went very well. We chatted all throughout the dinner, and bonded over our mutual love of food. He would tease me gently at times and he opened up about any and all topics.

    After the dinner, he gave me a hug and thanked me for coming out. He also made me promise to tell him I got home safely. That evening, I tried to flirt and sent him a text on social media saying that I thought he was very handsome. He replied with a blushing face and said "stooppp".

    The next day I sent him a text of a random gif and while he instantly replied to it, he didn't answer my follow up texts. It's been a week since he has reached out, although I know that this is his last week before he starts a new job and he is out of town visiting some friends.

    Some of my non-INTJ friends warn me that I should try to keep momentum going and ask why I haven't scheduled a second date. However, I understand, as an INTJ myself, the need for space sometimes, but I just wonder, maybe he's just looking for friends and is just an overall nice guy.

    I understand everyone is different and boiling people down to 16 personality traits overlooks individual variation but some guidance would be greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by missmyintp; 07-06-2019 at 04:29 PM. Reason: Forgot to leave out detail.



  2. #2

    He's interested ("get home safely" usually means "reply with you're home if you wanna see me again, because I do"), but I get the sense it sounds a bit like backburner interested at the mo. As he knows how to flirt yet is being a bit coy.

    I'd suggest to play it cool for a bit and see if he asks you out, these kinda guys usually will chase if they see you as a romantic interest. Given that he's got a busy life it might not be such a bad thing that he's taking his sweet time so he can properly explore if he sees you as long-term potential. I could be wrong and he might be juggling 10 people, but in that scenario too he will not take the initiative if he's not that interested.

  3. #3

    Thanks! This is helpful. Yeah I figured that dating/finding a boyfriend is not his number one priority given the fact that during the time I've known him he's switched jobs, gone on a long vacation and is now just starting a new job.

    I just wasn't sure if I should read too much into his flirtacious behavior...
    Last edited by missmyintp; 07-06-2019 at 04:38 PM.

  4. #4

    If there really was a "real" meaningful connection that had a potential to endure, it would have happened long long ago.
    As an INTJ, you are making it happen. . . . in your head.
    Move on.

  5. #5

    i dunno . . . i mean, straight intj woman might not be the best translator of gay intj men young enough to take off for 2-month trips to asia and such.

    but one thing that struck me in your saga was the opening salvo. you said:

    I attempted to ask him what he was looking for, and he replied "friends/dating" (which I took to be a lukewarm response).
    i disagree with the way you took it. as mentioned, i'm not a gay intj male young enough to jaunt around asia, BUT i'm here to tell you that 'friend' for me is a prerequisite for any kind of a 'dating' setup. they're not mutually exclusive; one is a mandatory requirement for the other one. i've never gotten physical in any sense with a person i didn't feel at ease with. and friendship is what it takes to feel that kind of ease.

    so with that said i'm going to make a complete guess that the on/off is vulnerability/response to rejection. and i'm going to say that to me it seems like you guys are signalling at one another but the awkward is because you haven't really filled in that friendship blank yet. there's a lot of jousting and awkward oveture/reject going on but you don't seem to know one another that well.

    as to what to do about it? i'm afraid i don't know. it feels to me like there's a certain type of levelling that hasn't taken place yet, i.e. about what each of you wants or hopes for from the other one (as opposed to just in the completely generic first-date-question type sense).

    gl.
    brightflashes thanked this post.

  6. #6

    If you're really interested, since you're a guy and you won't be thought of as too aggressive for doing it, just tell him that you really like him and that you'd like to know the best way to reach him so that you could plan to meet up again.

    I personally respond very well to no BS, no flirting, etc ... Not knowing where I stand sorta drives me insane, so I need for someone to tell me where I stand with them so I know I'm not wasting my time. I am incredibly fortunate that the person who matters most to me uses direct language like this and no flirting/games.

    But I also get that for some people, the games can be fun. Sorta like dancing, yeah?

    I'd just be like ok dude, let's get a bit more serious about meeting up. I like you, I'm intrigued. I wanna know more. Let's make it happen. It's terribly easy for me to say this in hindsight given that I'm not "dating" anymore and haven't in a VERY long time. I mention that only because I remember when I was younger and dating was like super stressful. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't been so uptight about it.
    EyesOpen and AnneM thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by brightflashes View Post
    If you're really interested, since you're a guy and you won't be thought of as too aggressive for doing it, just tell him that you really like him and that you'd like to know the best way to reach him so that you could plan to meet up again.

    I personally respond very well to no BS, no flirting, etc ... Not knowing where I stand sorta drives me insane, so I need for someone to tell me where I stand with them so I know I'm not wasting my time. I am incredibly fortunate that the person who matters most to me uses direct language like this and no flirting/games.

    But I also get that for some people, the games can be fun. Sorta like dancing, yeah?

    I'd just be like ok dude, let's get a bit more serious about meeting up. I like you, I'm intrigued. I wanna know more. Let's make it happen. It's terribly easy for me to say this in hindsight given that I'm not "dating" anymore and haven't in a VERY long time. I mention that only because I remember when I was younger and dating was like super stressful. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't been so uptight about it.
    Okay, here's a question. What if you sense that your INTJ needs space, and you respect that, and you ask him to be very clear about needing it so that you, as an INFJ, can have the proper motivation to STFU. But he doesn't say, "Yes. Please leave me alone for awhile."

  8. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by AnneM View Post
    Okay, here's a question. What if you sense that your INTJ needs space, and you respect that, and you ask him to be very clear about needing it so that you, as an INFJ, can have the proper motivation to STFU. But he doesn't say, "Yes. Please leave me alone for awhile."
    Oh that's simple. He's being a d*ck. lol. Or, he still believes for some reason that telling you that he needs time to himself is actually going to somehow upset you. Hence, being a major d*ck by sabotaging your attempt to make his life easier.
    AnneM thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by brightflashes View Post
    Oh that's simple. He's being a d*ck. lol. Or, he still believes for some reason that telling you that he needs time to himself is actually going to somehow upset you. Hence, being a major d*ck by sabotaging your attempt to make his life easier.
    Hmmmm.......Wouldn't an INTJ, who has no problems with bluntness, just say: LEAVE ME ALONE ? So, is he being a dick to me or to himself by not doing so?? I mean, I think I've made it pretty clear to him that I'm not that sensitive, that what's most important to me is to respect his space, even if it means not talking to him for however long. Is it possible he doesn't want me to stop talking to him, he just doesn't want to have to reciprocate for awhile? It just feels very weird to keep writing him not knowing how he's taking it. There's nothing worse than feeling like a fucking pest!!!
    brightflashes thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by AnneM View Post
    Hmmmm.......Wouldn't an INTJ, who has no problems with bluntness, just say: LEAVE ME ALONE ? So, is he being a dick to me or to himself by not doing so?? I mean, I think I've made it pretty clear to him that I'm not that sensitive, that what's most important to me is to respect his space, even if it means not talking to him for however long. Is it possible he doesn't want me to stop talking to him, he just doesn't want to have to reciprocate for awhile? It just feels very weird to keep writing him not knowing how he's taking it. There's nothing worse than feeling like a fucking pest!!!
    I really totally get it. It's very frustrating to have a nagging feeling that something you're doing is upsetting someone but not having that confirmation of the dynamic playing out from that person. I don't really know what to tell you. It's one of those things that can really throw me into some intense anxiety, personally, if I sense that something is "off" in a relationship, but the person won't fess up to what it is. It's like I have some sort of radar. Last time it was with my loving boyfriend (the one you'd find boring). He was acting all super nice and telling me what I did and didn't deserve and he had been keeping something from me. It was really sweet though that he volunteered the information before I got upset over it. And sort of a relief because it was like damn, this guy will actually tell me things.

    I know he gets grouchy when he doesn't get enough space, but he hasn't ever told me to not pester him. However, I need my introvert time. So what usually ends up happening is that I tell him I need to introvert, don't take it personally if I'm not around. He's cool with it, doesn't bug and then when I come out of my Introverting he's right there.

    Perhaps your INTJ doesn't ever express that he needs it and, instead, just takes that time without even making you aware of it. Not because he doesn't want to communicate it to you, but just because he has found a way to balance that out. I know that's speculation, but those sorts of rhythms work with me in my household with my partner and kids. We all tend to be able to feel out when to leave each other alone and when it's cool to hang out.
    AnneM thanked this post.


     
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