I have had some relationships or situations come to an end at times, and many times I have thought to myself that my departure did not make any difference whatsoever, and that there is no way that anyone would care that I finally left when they didn’t take the time to treat me well enough to keep me in the first place.
I only just realized what I really and truly mean when I think they will not notice my absence anyway
What I really mean is I am so over this I don’t care if I never see them ever again
it is me actually projecting my switch being flipped onto them.
The truth is, I have no idea whether or not anyone has ever missed me nor do I have the capability or desire to quantify what my absence actually means to other people.
I don’t care.
I will love and care and then one day, I just stop.
If people treat me well and are respectful, I can keep the same love for decades, and increase it wide and plant it deep.
But when I stop, I cannot go back. Everything in me shuts off to the entire scenario, and forever.
I am one of those people where I mean it when I tell someone they are actually dead to me, they will have to see me in their next life, if they ever want to talk to me again.
Sometimes I wonder if that means there’s something wrong with me, but then I look at my functional relationships with healthy people and I realize there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.
What’s wrong is people who believe that it is their right to treat people like crap just because those people love them.
This is a broken world.
This is a fallen world.
human beings have within them the multitude of course. No one person is all good or all bad. Every person who exist is I guess what could be considered the infinite in miniature.
I can love someone and respect them, and also absolutely detest parts of them and decide that those parts are not worth the access to the good qualities. And there’s just no coming back.
I really wish people wouldn’t play those kind of games with me.
every person is a law onto themselves, and if you don’t learn the rules of someone else’s game, you can definitely find yourself losing. people who actually care will pay attention to your signs that you are unhappy with how they are treating you and that you want to get away from them. if you don’t pay attention to those signs, honestly, you deserve to lose them because you’re too dumb to live.
I put something to an end recently, and the timing of it has been really intriguing.
I have been amplifying certain positive aspects of my life, and that has made me incompatible to certain other aspects of my life is what I’m realizing.
It happened fluidly, instantaneously. Without conscious forethought.
I can’t believe I actually worked through my own thought process so spontaneously, and realized the thought underneath the conscious thought.
I have never caught that in all of my years of living that what I really mean is I don’t care about this person anymore, they are dead to me, when I am thinking, they are not going to miss me, this will be fine, no one will notice, I’m gone.
What I am assuming they are going to feel is what I am actually feeling about them.
Because I never leave anyone who ever actually made my life better, or who made me better.
You can enjoy certain people the way you might enjoy potato chips, or some kind of snack that you like, it’s great while you have it and you love it and it’s fun… But nutritionally it’s meaningless.
hanging out with C has made me realize that some people are the emotional equivalent of having a really nutritionally sound and elaborate and delicious feast and other people are like going to a party and getting drunk and having a great conversation in the bathroom with some girl about how much you love her and that her boyfriend ain’t shit. 🤣 I mean those drunken conversations with strangers where are you pump each other up are certainly fun, but they are not real.