[INTJ] INTJ and INTP friendship on the rocks

INTJ and INTP friendship on the rocks

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18
Thank Tree38Thanks

This is a discussion on INTJ and INTP friendship on the rocks within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Sorry for hosting the text on another site, I'm kinda paranoid and embarrassed about sharing this sort of thing on ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    INTJ and INTP friendship on the rocks

    Sorry for hosting the text on another site, I'm kinda paranoid and embarrassed about sharing this sort of thing on the www

    TL;DR: INTJ and INTP friendship gets frosty because INTJ wants space and INTP has expectations. It's gotten ugly and its breaking up. Question: how does INTP unfreeze INTJ after INTJ has said he doesn't want to see me again?

    edit: click link for larger text version: http://i1292.photobucket.com/albums/...psc819d759.jpg




  2. #2

    Looks like you might have to leave it alone for a while and just let the processing happen.

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by bethdeth View Post
    Looks like you might have to leave it alone for a while and just let the processing happen.
    Ok, thanks.. yeah I was torn between that strategy (which I already tried for a week and didn't work?) and trying to fix it in the moment while the emotions are still raw.

    I kind of compromised between the two by sending him this message tonight.

    I'm just not feeling right about this. I'm not even angry or hurt(yet). I think we've got too much going for us and too much behind us to give up so easily and with such anger.

    I know I caught you at a bad time today and it was rude to come into your room and sit there while you didnt want to see me.

    I'm looking forward to making this work for us. If after you think about it more, I'll be here to hear what you have to say. Minutes, hours, days, weeks- whatever you need.

    It stings pretty hard to throw all this down the toilet."
    (and then I included a screen shot of his Instagram account, which 15 of the last photos from the past year are either of us or days we have spent together doing our hobby. You know, to activate a little Fi. We've been pretty close.


    Sorry for the relationship drama thread but maybe the topic of friendship is a little more interesting than romantic problems? But damn if I don't feel like a 12 year old girl.
    beth x and lilysocks thanked this post.

  4. #4

    ouch. i don't know if there is a way to unfreeze him, any time in the near future. a main reason why i might feel like i want someone out of my life is if i feel there's been a repeated inability or unwillingness to observe small boundaries . . . and little chance of the person ever learning to observe them either. that kind of brings me to a point, after a while, where zero tolerance gets to be the only remaining way i know of, to address the problem. so i'll put them outside and lock the door my own self, if i have that feeling that they're never going to manage themselves 'properly' around me.

    see, and the problem is when i tell someone 'go away' that's a boundary too, and the same criteria apply. so then, if i say that and the person doesn't seem like they've listened to that, the boundary just gets that much stronger and thicker and deeper. i think that the best you can do is say whatever is graceful and true about missing him or not wanting to lose the friendship, etc. and then do what he says anyway. one of my own really big trigger things is speaking and not getting listened to, or not getting taken seriously. it tends to turn me into clint eastwood.

    i'm not saying your friend is 100% right, by the way. he seems like he might have some distance to go still, in terms of learning to do his side of the thing and articulate what he expects and won't take.
    sandblaster and srysrrysry thanked this post.

  5. #5

    to be honest, i'd leave his fi alone at this point. it's probably there and it'll probably get itself involved in his personal internal dialogues all by itself . . . but not immediately. if you try to call it up while he's strong on a completely different track in his mind (i.e. 'leave me alone'), all that that really accomplishes is to either make it seem weak and irrelevant to him, or mess him around with ambivalence.

    i know i don't multi-task well, psychologically. in processing my emotional states, i'm probably linear. my head knows there are more things than that going on and there's a wider picture, and it's not like i forget them. but it's like watching a movie and knowing what the next scene or the ending is going to be, later on . . . or knowing what some of the other off-screen characters are up to . . . my head can know the whole story, but my immediate sensory/emotional self is busy with the scene that i'm seeing right now.

    so when i'm angry, i'm angry. the fact that tomorrow or next week i won't be angry anymore . . . i can know that perfectly well, but it's an irrelevancy - especially when there's a principle or an issue at stake, which i suspect is how he's seeing the problem right now. when it's about one of my principles, then i'll burn everything and then some in the service of that one thing. the best thing other people (and me) can do in those circumstances is not bring up any of my other things i hold precious and try to use them to interfere with that priority thing. i'll throw them into the fire as well, if they're brought up and put in my path.

    i think you've said the stuff that matters, but honestly, from here i think you should leave him alone for a while. bottom line is you probably can't make him miss you or turn his mind around, but if you leave him to work it all through by himself, he might be able to do it alone. we don't deal very well with people interfering in our emo-processing stuff, especially when we're very young.

    i hope it works out. some of my plain-old-platonic friendships have hurt me as much as any relationship ever did, so i'm sympathetic.
    luemb, TrippedOnReality, sandblaster and 1 others thanked this post.

  6. #6

    I have to agree with leaving the Fi alone for a little while too. It's not the best handled function. Business as usual with no hard edges is probably best to process and leave that little barbed fucker alone, you never know what to expect once you've rattled it.
    lilysocks and sandblaster thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INTJ - The Scientists

    His behavior comes off as very stressed or worried.. he might have some other issues going on in the background.
    TrippedOnReality, lilysocks and sandblaster thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I agree with the others. Back off, but try to keep the doors open. Say hello in passing, be friendly but casual if you bump into each other. That way it will be easier for him to reconnect when he is feeling better about things.
    Texas and sandblaster thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by lilysocks View Post
    to be honest, i'd leave his fi alone at this point. it's probably there and it'll probably get itself involved in his personal internal dialogues all by itself . . . but not immediately. if you try to call it up while he's strong on a completely different track in his mind (i.e. 'leave me alone'), all that that really accomplishes is to either make it seem weak and irrelevant to him, or mess him around with ambivalence.


    so when i'm angry, i'm angry. the fact that tomorrow or next week i won't be angry anymore . . . i can know that perfectly well, but it's an irrelevancy - especially when there's a principle or an issue at stake, which i suspect is how he's seeing the problem right now. when it's about one of my principles, then i'll burn everything and then some in the service of that one thing. the best thing other people (and me) can do in those circumstances is not bring up any of my other things i hold precious and try to use them to interfere with that priority thing. i'll throw them into the fire as well, if they're brought up and put in my path.

    You were right. He "burned it" when I tired to exploit the Fi. He deleted all of our instagrams together from his page.
    lilysocks thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Oh. I lost a friend who I'm guessing was an INTP over his refusal to respect my boundaries also. Honestly, what you did to your friend is pretty tame from my perspective. My friend repeatedly refused to stop when I told him explicitly and patiently what was bothering me over a period of months. We were also friends for years. I finally just stopped talking to him for about a year, before I tried to reach out again, once I thought his behavior wouldn't bother me anymore. And then he didn't reach back to me.
    And then my heart was broken, just like I broke his.

    Honestly, it gives me more grief than any failed sexual relationship I've ever had. I don't know what you need to do, but I'm just throwing my feels in here. If he's really your friend, he will want to talk to you again, maybe months from now.
    lilysocks and sandblaster thanked this post.


     
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. [INFP] Is a Friendship with an INTP possible?
    By Morfy in forum INFP Forum - The Idealists
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 03-27-2016, 09:17 AM
  2. [INTJ] Complicated intj Friendship
    By Modric in forum INTJ Forum - The Scientists
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-30-2013, 12:25 AM
  3. [ESFJ] INTP vs ESFJ: a debate about friendship (INTP THREAD)
    By JLL in forum ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-04-2013, 11:38 AM
  4. [INTP] INTP and Friendship
    By Brownicus in forum INTP Forum - The Thinkers
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 10-16-2012, 12:29 AM
  5. [INFJ] INTJ and INFJ friendship
    By clearbluewater in forum INFJ Forum - The Protectors
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-10-2012, 03:18 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:14 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0