[INTJ] How do I tell an INTJ male I (an INFP female) have feelings for him?

How do I tell an INTJ male I (an INFP female) have feelings for him?

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This is a discussion on How do I tell an INTJ male I (an INFP female) have feelings for him? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I've been friends with this guy (let's call him A) in my theatre department for almost three years. We got ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    How do I tell an INTJ male I (an INFP female) have feelings for him?

    I've been friends with this guy (let's call him A) in my theatre department for almost three years. We got pretty close starting last year, and our friendship has grown since. I eventually developed very strong feelings for him. I was in denial about it for a long time, so I didn't want to say anything and risk ruining our friendship, especially since we have to work together for another year. Recently, I've been strongly encouraged to tell him how I feel by several people. V, his best friend, who also is a very good friend of mine, has been particularly persistent on the subject. V thinks there is a good chance that my feelings are reciprocated, as least as far as he can tell. A plays his cards pretty close to the chest, so it's very hard to get a read on him.

    I'm afraid that my feelings have grown too strong for things to continue as they are. I don't want to ruin our friendship, which is highly important to me, but I feel like honesty is the best course of action. And I think we would be great together. We already have a fantastic working relationship and a strong friendship. He's an INTJ, and I'm an INFP. We balance each other out really well, and I think that it's worth the risk to tell him.

    Here are my questions:
    - Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
    - What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
    - How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
    - He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

    Thanks for the help!



  2. #2
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by BelleoftheTARDIS View Post
    Here are my questions:
    - Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
    - What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
    - How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
    - He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

    Thanks for the help!
    -If you don't tell him, will you be happy just being his friend? If you don't tell him and remain friends, will it impact your ability to take interest in other guys?
    -The best way to tell him is directly. Subtly and hints may either confuse him or he won't catch them.
    -Don't know the chances, can't know until you tell him unfortunately.
    -If I'm attracted to someone, I show interest in getting to know them and their ideas. Thats also how I make friends though, so I guess its the same process.
    -He's traditional in what sense? I would be grateful for a woman to make the first move. It removes a lot of doubt from my mind. I'm comfortable making moves after that, though.

  3. #3
    ENTJ

    1) Tell him. Walk up to him and take him aside- don't do it in front of a lot of people, it's embarrassing to both of you. Do it some place where he can easily get away afterward to think if he's unsure of the course of action he wants to take. For example- don't corner him before the first bell (if you're still in school), ask to talk to him after school when you know he has his own car. Easy getaway and you don't have to talk to him until the next day if anything goes wrong.

    2) Your friendship was ruined the moment you started liking him. Not to be too blunt about it, but the relationship as it is is just going to hurt you. It will be very hard on you to be friends with him and not want more than that from him, and it's probably already stressing you out and causing you to want to take action (as indicated by this post). Long story short, you will be able to move on if he doesn't reciprocate, and it's better to find out now so that you can move on faster. If he does reciprocate, you have more time to spend with him as a couple, and will be hitting yourself over not moving faster.

    3) They don't.

    4) I don't know exactly what you mean by traditional. I have an INTJ friend who'd I'd describe like that though, and he had a crush on me for awhile. Part of what he liked about me, I think, was that I was straightforward and took charge of things- making the first move falls under this category.
    Actually, I've had two INTJ guy friends who liked me and are pretty traditional, but I was only thinking of one of them when I wrote this.

    Swede and Hiraeth thanked this post.

  4. #4

    Should you tell him? Yeah, if you want to. Just be like "Hey man, I really like you." Blunt is good.

    Last time someone I wasn't interested in told me they liked me, it didn't ruin our acquaintanceship, it's not super awkward. I'd imagine a friendship could be the same.

    INTJs often don't "show" a lot of attraction. We hide it by creeping through all your profiles to learn all we can. Might try cracking into your account. Who knows.

    I'm not "a traditional INTJ male", but chances are, he could be surprised at your forwardness and like it.
    BelleoftheTARDIS thanked this post.

  5. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by BelleoftheTARDIS View Post
    Here are my questions:
    - Should I tell him? If so, what's the best way to tell him?
    - What are the chances of this ruining our friendship?
    - How do INTJs show attraction to someone?
    - He's a traditional guy. For any traditional INTJ males, how would it come across for a female to make the first move?

    Thanks for the help!
    I've not got a penis so I can't give an answer. I'll just stand on the sidelines with the suspicion that I'm watching a train wreck in motion.
    the_cheshire_cat thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    Jeb:

    - This is what I struggle with the most. I think I could be happy remaining his friend. Yes, if he started pursuing someone else, it would be difficult for me if I wasn't over him at that point. It probably also would impact my being able to be interested in other guys because this was unresolved. It's something I've considered, but not from this perspective.
    - This is going to be interesting, then. I don't play games, but I'm pretty guarded about the way I communicate my feelings. Subtle hints have been my go to.
    - Understandable.
    - Ok. That sounds like him.
    - He's traditional in the sense that he comes from a conservative background where the man makes the first move. I know he's not an absolute stickler about this, but I don't know how strongly he holds to this.

    Thank you for your help! I really appreciate it.
    pinkopal100 and jeb thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by maust View Post
    1) Tell him. Walk up to him and take him aside- don't do it in front of a lot of people, it's embarrassing to both of you. Do it some place where he can easily get away afterward to think if he's unsure of the course of action he wants to take. For example- don't corner him before the first bell (if you're still in school), ask to talk to him after school when you know he has his own car. Easy getaway and you don't have to talk to him until the next day if anything goes wrong.

    2) Your friendship was ruined the moment you started liking him. Not to be too blunt about it, but the relationship as it is is just going to hurt you. It will be very hard on you to be friends with him and not want more than that from him, and it's probably already stressing you out and causing you to want to take action (as indicated by this post). Long story short, you will be able to move on if he doesn't reciprocate, and it's better to find out now so that you can move on faster. If he does reciprocate, you have more time to spend with him as a couple, and will be hitting yourself over not moving faster.

    3) They don't.

    4) I don't know exactly what you mean by traditional. I have an INTJ friend who'd I'd describe like that though, and he had a crush on me for awhile. Part of what he liked about me, I think, was that I was straightforward and took charge of things- making the first move falls under this category.
    Actually, I've had two INTJ guy friends who liked me and are pretty traditional, but I was only thinking of one of them when I wrote this.
    1) That sounds ideal.

    2) You're right. It's just hard to face that, especially since he is such a close friend.

    3) Hahaha good to know :)

    4) He's traditional in the sense of being from a conservative background that taught him that men make the first move. I've been concerned that doing it myself would bother him. It's helpful to know that might not be the case.

    Thank you for your help!
    maust thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    If you want to get closer to him tell him how you feel and that you are interested in more than being friends. Honesty is always the best course of action in my book. If he reciprocates he will appreciate your directness as INTJs tend to misunderstand social games or simply not care for them.

    I think it would ruin your friendship more if you didn't tell him, it would eat you from the inside. And besides, if it would turn out that he just wants to be friends, if he's a true friend he won't leave you. The tough part would be getting over it, but that's no problem if you set your will to it.

    Speaking for myself I don't show much attraction in the form of outward feelings at least. I keep my crush on someone to myself most of the time and will be very cautious about the whole thing until you get to know me well, then you'll probably get an avalanche of affection. I have no problem speaking about my feelings to someone I know and love, but it's not natural for me to act on them or show a great deal of emotion.

    One thing I find absolutely disgusting is when I notice that a girl hints to me to make the first move, but doesn't take any action herself. Even if I like her I might get stubborn and ignore her for it. As for me I tend to view girls who take the first step as impressive and strong, so don't worry about that part. ;)
    Last edited by Blue Soul; 03-31-2015 at 03:08 AM.
    pinkopal100 and BelleoftheTARDIS thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Soul View Post
    One thing I find absolutely disgusting is when I notice that a girl hints to me to make the first move, but doesn't take any action herself. Even if I like her I might get stubborn and ignore her for it. As for me I tend to view girls who take the first step as impressive and strong, so don't worry about that part. ;)
    Exactly this.

    Giving in and making the first move seems like it sets a presedent that I will always be the one doing things. I like women who are strong, independant, and go for what they want in life.
    pinkopal100, Blue Soul and BelleoftheTARDIS thanked this post.

  10. #10

    1. Go to him and tell him "I like you".
    2. I doubt that it will ruin your friendship.
    3. If you want to know how INTJs show their attraction, i suggest you read this thread https://personalitycafe.com/sex-relat...ttraction.html I am sure you will find something useful here.
    4. I doubt that a female making a first move would come accros as something bad.
    BelleoftheTARDIS thanked this post.


     
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