[INTJ] What is Your Attachment Style? - Page 4

What is Your Attachment Style?

View Poll Results: What is Your Attachment Style as an INTJ?

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  • Secure

    16 37.21%
  • Preoccupied/Anxious

    7 16.28%
  • Dismissive/Avoidant

    17 39.53%
  • Fearful/Avoidant

    3 6.98%
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This is a discussion on What is Your Attachment Style? within the INTJ Forum - The Scientists forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; According to attachment theory and research, there are two fundamental ways in which people differ from one another in the ...

  1. #31
    INTJ - The Scientists

    According to attachment theory and research, there are two fundamental ways in which people differ from one another in the way they think about relationships. First, some people are more anxious than others. People who are high in attachment-related anxiety tend to worry about whether their partners really love them and often fear rejection. People low on this dimension are much less worried about such matters. Second, some people are more avoidant than others. People who are high in attachment-related avoidance are less comfortable depending on others and opening up to others.

    According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 1.94, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.83, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

    We have plotted your two scores in the two-dimensional space defined by attachment-related anxiety and avoidance. Your approximate position in this space is denoted by the blue dot. (Note: If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate.)

    Graph: Just below the Secure line.

    As you can see in this graph, the two dimensions of anxiety and avoidance can be combined to create interesting combinations of attachment styles. For example people who are low in both attachment-related anxiety and avoidance are generally considered secure because they don't typically worry about whether their partners are going to reject them and they are comfortable being emotionally close to others.Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

    What I found interesting was that I put down as *many* insecurities as I feel and yet I *still* came out normal / secure. It looks like I really DO worry too much...

  2. #32

    Quote Originally Posted by Clyme:17688106

    I'm pleased to hear that it does give you insight. Ah, that's not surprising to hear about her mother. People with BPD usually have childhoods where they're emotionally neglected or taught to somehow devalue themselves - usually through viewing their emotions, identities, and so forth as completely invalid. This generally leads them to have extremely turbulent emotions, a pervasive lack of identity, and chronic feelings of emptiness. My mother was very emotionally abusive and my childhood was rather poor because of that and a lot of other circumstances, so I think those are definite causes to the way that I am (or was).

    I've actually been in that exact position before, and it's certainly burdensome. It can wear you down terribly. It's a very self-sacrificing position to take up. I completely understand where you're coming from with that. I'm glad you have recovered though.

    I'm glad that I've been able to shed some light on it. Honestly, I think what you did was still necessary. She may have been a victim to her disorder and been unable to control a lot of what she did, but it was still immensely detrimental to you. Often-times, it's not something that will readily become better, but it's something that you live with. It's difficult to do, but it takes a lot of things for it to go well, and sometimes it simply can't. I think what you did was the right thing though, because it really was hurting you. I think, from what I hear, that the relationship wouldn't have improved and if you held onto it, you'd both still be seriously damaged. So, I think it's better that you broke things off - you'd probably been severely harmed if you didn't, and she'd probably been just as hurt too, perhaps worse knowing the pain you were in because of it.

    You know, interestingly enough, my first relationships were generally volatile and emotionally intense too. It's weird to start life off with really, really chaotic circumstances. I'm pleased that things are going easier now. Well, do you still have residual pain, or is this pain from other events in your life? I personally try to utilize the experience that pain offers me and explore it, understand it, and grow from it.
    I agree with you, it was the right decision. It would have killed me after long enough, honestly, lolol. You are right about her mother, she would belittle my INFP and downplay her issues or call her crazy; the rest of her family was no better, really.

    I have gotten past the residual pain, I've just had two hurtful romantic situations since then, neither of them really solidified into something long term or committed. So within a years time I've gotten over the past, and then had two situations where I got rather close with a girl but I was most likely too intense and drove them away.

    The problem is that I am still giving the same amount of affection as I used to with my ex. The BPD and general INFPness made her very dependent on my compliments and support, it wouldnt be unusual for one day to have a least fifteen to twenty compliments and a speech on my love or care or attraction to her, along with the usual reassuring and such. So I toned that down by half for these new situations, thinking that was probably a solid amount of kindness. It wasnt, its too much. I just dont know what the regular amount of affection or attention is with these things, and so I usually just go with it and try to be kinder than my partner just to be sure. This is seen as pushy and asking for more, and I end up getting left behind.

    This pain feels meaningless because I dont feel like I am learning anything, it just feels like I am making mistakes. I dont know when I am going to have a stable relationship next, right now it looks like I will have to wait until college. Relationships give me the most drive and fulfillment and so I am generally apathetic and unmotivated lately.

  3. #33
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Chris Merola View Post
    I agree with you, it was the right decision. It would have killed me after long enough, honestly, lolol. You are right about her mother, she would belittle my INFP and downplay her issues or call her crazy; the rest of her family was no better, really.

    I have gotten past the residual pain, I've just had two hurtful romantic situations since then, neither of them really solidified into something long term or committed. So within a years time I've gotten over the past, and then had two situations where I got rather close with a girl but I was most likely too intense and drove them away.

    The problem is that I am still giving the same amount of affection as I used to with my ex. The BPD and general INFPness made her very dependent on my compliments and support, it wouldnt be unusual for one day to have a least fifteen to twenty compliments and a speech on my love or care or attraction to her, along with the usual reassuring and such. So I toned that down by half for these new situations, thinking that was probably a solid amount of kindness. It wasnt, its too much. I just dont know what the regular amount of affection or attention is with these things, and so I usually just go with it and try to be kinder than my partner just to be sure. This is seen as pushy and asking for more, and I end up getting left behind.

    This pain feels meaningless because I dont feel like I am learning anything, it just feels like I am making mistakes. I dont know when I am going to have a stable relationship next, right now it looks like I will have to wait until college. Relationships give me the most drive and fulfillment and so I am generally apathetic and unmotivated lately.
    Hm, so I see. It can be really difficult to separate oneself from people like that. I think that being emotionally intense creates very intense relationships (which has some up-sides) and it also encourages a naturally protective nature within us. Thus, it can be very difficult to detach from that.

    Well, I wouldn't say it's meaningless. Simply because you're not moving anywhere at the moment doesn't mean that the experience of feeling stuck isn't a unique experience to revel in. I'm personally an experience junkie of sorts. I love having all sorts of experiences, even the awful ones. If anything, your experience of being stuck will allow you to connect to others in the future who have gone through that as well. I'd recommend leveraging this experience as a tool for introspection. The more you can utilize to become aware of yourself, the better. Also, I totally understand that. My priority is romance as well. I'm a complete mess without them, and actually, if it weren't for the one I have now, I'd be completely lost. My significant other anchors me and allows me to be healthy. In any case, you could try talking to more people here on PerC. There are some lovely people here. On the side, you could focus on your studies or work on projects that you find interesting. I'm not sure if you have any hobbies, but if you do, you could use this time to really refine your ability with those hobbies.
    Chris Merola thanked this post.

  4. #34

    Quote Originally Posted by Clyme View Post
    Hm, so I see. It can be really difficult to separate oneself from people like that. I think that being emotionally intense creates very intense relationships (which has some up-sides) and it also encourages a naturally protective nature within us. Thus, it can be very difficult to detach from that.

    Well, I wouldn't say it's meaningless. Simply because you're not moving anywhere at the moment doesn't mean that the experience of feeling stuck isn't a unique experience to revel in. I'm personally an experience junkie of sorts. I love having all sorts of experiences, even the awful ones. If anything, your experience of being stuck will allow you to connect to others in the future who have gone through that as well. I'd recommend leveraging this experience as a tool for introspection. The more you can utilize to become aware of yourself, the better. Also, I totally understand that. My priority is romance as well. I'm a complete mess without them, and actually, if it weren't for the one I have now, I'd be completely lost. My significant other anchors me and allows me to be healthy. In any case, you could try talking to more people here on PerC. There are some lovely people here. On the side, you could focus on your studies or work on projects that you find interesting. I'm not sure if you have any hobbies, but if you do, you could use this time to really refine your ability with those hobbies.
    You are right, this is a time to reflect, self heal, and bide my time and gain some self strength. I need to recharge, this feeling of apathy is a new state of being, and I can learn from it, but I still have intentions to triumph over it.

    I identify with you on being experience driven, my inferior Se gets to shine when I try something new, and these kinds of ever evolving chances and opportunities form a beautiful memory and reflection. I learn from them. It is all too easy to miss out on the different emotional flavors that life provides.
    Clyme thanked this post.

  5. #35
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Chris Merola View Post
    You are right, this is a time to reflect, self heal, and bide my time and gain some self strength. I need to recharge, this feeling of apathy is a new state of being, and I can learn from it, but I still have intentions to triumph over it.

    I identify with you on being experience driven, my inferior Se gets to shine when I try something new, and these kinds of ever evolving chances and opportunities form a beautiful memory and reflection. I learn from them. It is all too easy to miss out on the different emotional flavors that life provides.
    That's all so true and a very positive attitude to have. I try to live that way as much as I can.
    Chris Merola thanked this post.

  6. #36
    INTJ


    Low avoidance, low anxiety, secure attachment. I'm a little surprised. I thought I'd be more on the avoidant, or dismissing side.

    According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 3.67, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
    Last edited by Mmmm; 10-24-2018 at 10:44 AM.

  7. #37
    Unknown

    According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.94, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 4.94, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

    Dis
    missing

  8. #38

    According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 3.17, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety).
    Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.50, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

    I expected more avoidance and/or anxiety.

  9. #39
    INTJ

    fgfdhsfj.jpg

    Dismissive-Avoidant


     
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